Sludge Beginning

Hi Group,

This round I'm submitting a new beginning of Sludge. I pitched Sludge to a New York Agent at a writer's conference and she asked for the manuscript. That was two years ago and I never sent it. I wasn't satisfied with the beginning and then I got sidetracked.

Please let me know if you think I'm starting the story in right place or if it could start somewhere better.

A a reader, do you see an inciting incident that calls Sludge to action? If not, do you have any ideas about what the inciting incident could be? Or if the inciting incident is too weak, how can I improve it or make it a more compelling call to action?

Any other comments are also appreciated.

I'll be emailing the first 20 pages shortly.

Thanks, Alan

The New Schedule

Here it is!

July 16: Alan

August 6: Carolyn

August 27: Riley

September 17: Dave

October 8: Bill

Chasing Bo

Hi, everyone.

Here's the post for Chasing Bo!

Hi Fuvians,

I've just sent you 93 pages of my YA WIP, Mourning Light, but don't run away in horror. I'm not looking for a detailed critique. I’ve added a voice in a kind of unusual way, and I need some feedback on whether that works - and you need a longish chunk to be able to say whether it gets tiresome or not. 

This voice is italicized and has wider margins on both sides; it mostly occurs at the ends of chapters. 

My questions: 

Who do you think the voice is speaking to? Does that person hear her? 

Who do you think the voice is, and when do you figure this out? 

What do you think about the frequency with which the voice appears? At one point she/he says quite a lot. Do you want or expect to hear more from him/her as time goes on? 

At a certain point a third voice comes in. Is this in any way confusing? 

Who do you think the story belongs to? Whose story do you care more about? Does this vary? 

Thanks, guys!!! 

Carolyn

Chasing Bo

I've emailed the new take of my MG fantasy novel Chasing Bo. You've seen this before, but it was a little different. 

If you'd like to go beyond the first 20 pages, I've included the whole chunk of what I have, but feedback on only the first 20 would still be awesome and greatly appreciated!

My main concerns: What's working? What isn't? Any ideas for how things could work even better?

Also, to give you a sense of scope, this draft will probably end up being about 90,000 words (a bit long for an MG). I do think I'm trying to do too much in the first 20 (as per usual). 

I also want to report that back in May I had it in my mind that I'd revise the draft I had over a few weeks. That idea quickly turned into a laugher! So much of revising that draft became cutting and massaging that I changed over to simply re-typing the draft and revising as I went. Re-typing is more fun. I don't think I'll be done with this draft any sooner than the end of September. 

Thanks, and I hope everyone's enjoying the home stretch of summer!

Jerkules Part 2

This is the second installment of Jerkules, my young YA fantasy with an attempt at young romance. All comments are welcome. The protag is 14 or 15

The new part starts on page 32. I included the first 31 pages as reference, if you find that helpful. You don't need to comment on that part.

I'll be emailing it shortly.

Thanks,
Alan

New Schedule!

Here's the new schedule! As always, if you'd like to switch, please let me know.

Bill has sent those pieces for the library project, so we're underway with this round!

Bill--June 26

Alan--July 17

Andy --August 7

Riley--August 28

Dave--Sept. 18

Carolyn --Oct. 9