I've emailed the new take of my MG fantasy novel Chasing Bo. You've seen this before, but it was a little different.
If you'd like to go beyond the first 20 pages, I've included the whole chunk of what I have, but feedback on only the first 20 would still be awesome and greatly appreciated!
My main concerns: What's working? What isn't? Any ideas for how things could work even better?
Also, to give you a sense of scope, this draft will probably end up being about 90,000 words (a bit long for an MG). I do think I'm trying to do too much in the first 20 (as per usual).
I also want to report that back in May I had it in my mind that I'd revise the draft I had over a few weeks. That idea quickly turned into a laugher! So much of revising that draft became cutting and massaging that I changed over to simply re-typing the draft and revising as I went. Re-typing is more fun. I don't think I'll be done with this draft any sooner than the end of September.
Thanks, and I hope everyone's enjoying the home stretch of summer!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteChasing Bo has a density of theme and plot that transports us from 16th century Europe to your special Vast.
My specific comments are in the text itself that I sent via email.
My main comment is to encourage you to keep going in the direction you are going.
I liken the opening line to Harlan Coben's best openers.
Your physical details help the reader feel completely at home in a new world that has rules that are unique yet remind us of our own reality and beliefs. I use GPD many times in my comments. It stands for Great Physical Detail.
The depiction of the family relationships between Goom and his mom and dad show the essential role that love and sharing in the moment play.
I love how the Vast brings in elements of 16th Century Europe with literary references to Shakespeare and Rabelais. The commentary on the politics of the Vast present universal issues to the young reader who on first read may not recognize the reference, but as their education advances, an aha moment will appear.
Next questions: Will Pesh come back? Will Tust become somebody again? Will Treater reach his ultimate goal? Will we find out the real meaning of the orb? And Bo, what will happen to Bo?
An illustrator will have a ball creating images for all these fascinating characters.
Now, my final request. Finish the draft soon and send it back to us. I want to see what happens to my new friends
Andy,
ReplyDeleteRe your last draft, I commented that there had to be some context for the people of this non-industrial (pre-industrial? post-apocalyptic?) society accepting Treater so easily - and here, you've provided one. He prevented a deadly epidemic by creating a vaccine, so they're not likely to kill him. We might need a bit more explanation for why people aren't beating a path to his door, trying to get him to perform other feats.
I echo almost all of Bill's comments - both above and in his line comments. Also, terrific pacing!!! That moment when Bo swallows the orb is magnificent!!!
My one disagreement with Bill - he wonders if Pesh will come back. It read to me at the beginning like you committed to Pesh's being fully, irrevocably dead, in the description of he and Ma kissing. This and other references to his death at the beginning are poignant - but do you want the reader to know at the outset that the quest for the orb will not result in bringing Pa back to life? (When you say he drowned, at the very outset, this is not conclusive. But when you say he will and Ma will never kiss again...)
When I read your first draft, I loved its lush, lyrical voice, but felt it sounded more YA than middle grade. I also felt YA was more appropriate for what seemed like a lone quest. I do miss that voice, but this draft sounds more MG now - e.g. Goom's stubbornness re using hooks in the decoys - and it seems he and the Treater will be questing together, maybe?
I love how you've fleshed out Treater's backstory and personality and given him this angst about the destruction he may have left in his wake. BUT. I am now almost as invested in his story as in Goom's. Goom's story feels intimate, personal, about one boy losing his father and trying to bring him back. Treater's, OTOH, feels HUGE, interstellar, about him fleeing across the universe with this goldfish who holds everything together - fleeing from ????? with the potential of ???? consequences? I am eager to see how you interweave these stories.
Write faster!!!
Also - You talk about Treater worrying about the unintended consequences of his preventing the epidemic, about there maybe being someone left alive who shouldn't be. This feels like the equivalent of putting the gun on the table in the first act, a chicken that will come home to roost. I'm wondering if maybe it's Tust who shouldn't be alive but is, thanks to Treater? and perhaps will stow away on the space boat on their quest to do whatever?
ReplyDeleteHave you finished yet????
ReplyDeleteFirst off, thank you so much for the feedback! My goal for this draft, I realized, was just to make this thing look like a story. Your feedback will help me make it a much better story than what it is!
ReplyDeleteI haven't finished this draft yet. Early in the summer, I began editing the old draft--and cut something like 17,000 words. I realized, though, that it re-writing it without looking at the old draft would be a much better tactic for finishing this draft. So it's at about 44,000 words--and only about halfway. That really could be cut down to 35,000, I bet, but I'm just going to try pushing to the end before I revise. This draft's going to be really, really long, but I'm not trying to worry about that.
Is it me, or is writing a book a reeeeally, reeeeeeeally long process? I've been heartened by David Lubar's recent Facebook posts discussing what he's been doing to revise the book he's currently writing. Basically, he just revises and revises and revises, which makes me feel good about having to put a story through SO MUCH process.
Again, thank you for the feedback!
Andy, “Chasing Bo” made me think of a novella I read several years ago called, “Rumfuddle” by Jack Vance. It has alternate universes with some serious but funny results. It’s quite different from your story but might contain a few gems you can use.
ReplyDeleteIs your story working? Yes. It’s a fine tale. And Carolyn is probably right that the changes you made to the beginning is the right thing for MG. But, also like her, I miss your old beginning. Even though I suggested shortening your previous beginning a bit, it was some of the most powerful writing I’ve ever read. Seriously, Andy, I just kept saying, “wow, this is good,” to myself over and over again. Perhaps you have a place for somewhere else.
I’ll be emailing you the MS with comments. You asked about where some good chapter endings might be so I made some suggestions.
Should Pesh come back? There were some things said up front that suggest he won’t. He won’t be able to kiss his wife again is one. But a quest has begun to go after Pesh. They are going after the orb but for the purpose of getting Pesh back. That gives a promise to the reader of a MG story that the dad will be found. In YA you could do all sorts of cool alternate stuff, but in MG you probably can’t get too far off that mark.
However, Bringing Pesh back after he’s been dead until the end of the book doesn’t sit real well with me either. What if while both the orb and Pesh are under the water after being toppled on by the giant, the orb did something to Pesh to preserve his life before Pesh died? Pesh’s coat and gloves were found. How would they just slip off him just because he drowned? Pesh and the orb had a positive connection. Is Pesh now part of the orb? Was he made part of Bo? Did the orb change Pesh into a Bo look-alike to save him. It could have choses that form for Pesh because of Pesh’s special connection with and respect for Bo. Also, Bo is so special that the orb stopped by for a visit with him. It could kind of be cool if the fish that swallowed the orb and that they are now chasing is actually Pesh. Maybe Pesh’s fish brain is now too simple to do smart stuff like swimming up to them and Lassie-like fish thing let them know who he really is.
Anyway, so many possibilities. What a fun read and there are so many choice instances of suspense, which I noted on the MS.
Thanks for sharing this. It's great!
Alan