This is the second installment of Jerkules, my young YA fantasy with an attempt at young romance. All comments are welcome. The protag is 14 or 15
The new part starts on page 32. I included the first 31 pages as reference, if you find that helpful. You don't need to comment on that part.
I'll be emailing it shortly.
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
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Alan,
ReplyDeleteI dig Jerkules! It’s packed with humor—and fun! Maybe I haven’t been seeking fun books out enough—no, check that, I haven’t been—so it’s good to read something that is very much about giving the reader a fun experience and that delivers on that purpose. Thank you greatly for that!
I think this works well as a YA, especially the romance elements—Shaun idealizing the person he likes, that person choosing someone else, another person (Dorcas) being obviously a better match for him, him being slow to see it, etc. All that’s working well for me, especially in how Shaun seems to be seeing what I as a reader have been suspecting for some time—that there’s more to Dorcas Carpotty than there seems to be at first. I like that she’s a truth-teller, and I like that she can kick some butt but does so only when she has to. Also, her family has played a role in the history of this story world, it seems—the shambler woman and the zombie guy seem to know her family well enough to know what their tendencies are. They also know of Shaun’s family in a similar way.
I do like that there seems to be a history to this story world that Shaun’s going to be discovering, I think. The shambler and the zombie seem to know it, I suspect Dorcas knows of it, and I’m even thinking that Shaun’s parents might know more about it than they’re letting on. I don’t need to know all about this history—which I’m betting will be tangled up with Greek mythology—this early in the story, of course, but it’s something I’m hoping to learn more about as the story progresses.
I like the Nimean Lion hoodie, too, and that it jives so well with the Hercules myth. I even wondered if the hoodie might be rumored to have hairs from the original lion Hercules killed woven into its fabric or something. Something like that might physically connect the hoodie to the deep past and to Hercules himself. Also, that this hoodie jives so well with the myth makes me wonder about how other characters/story elements might jive with the mythology. Are the shambler and the zombie figures from myth, or maybe their descendants?
Only one YA detail seemed to jar me a little, and that was that Shaun seems to be in junior high--he's riding the junior high bus, etc. And I think you'd mentioned in your email that he's 14 or 15, which I think of as being the age of a freshman in high school. If he's riding the high school bus, it would still be filled mostly with kids his age, and those who weren’t his age would be older and more imposing to him. Making Shaun be on the younger, smaller end of the spectrum in relation to those around him may make his transformation to the strong end of the spectrum even more dramatic. If he were a freshman, he’d likely be with upperclassmen during the school day, which would make him even more of a small fry at school, I’d think .(I should say that I’m going off my only my own experience, where junior high was grades 6-8 or 7-8 and high school was 9-12. Maybe the grouping of grades is different in the story?)
Only one YA detail seemed to jar me a little, and that was that Shaun seems to be in junior high--he's riding the junior high bus, etc. And I think you'd mentioned in your email that he's 14 or 15, which I think of as being the age of a freshman in high school. If he's riding the high school bus, it would still be filled mostly with kids his age, and those who weren’t his age would be older and more imposing to him. Making Shaun be on the younger, smaller end of the spectrum in relation to those around him may make his transformation to the strong end of the spectrum even more dramatic. If he were a freshman, he’d likely be with upperclassmen during the school day, which would make him even more of a small fry at school, I’d think .(I should say that I’m going off my only my own experience, where junior high was grades 6-8 or 7-8 and high school was 9-12. Maybe the grouping of grades is different in the story?)
ReplyDeleteI kind of like that the opening part of the story suggests that both girls will like Shaun but he’ll lose them both. Of course the reader wants to know how all that happens. I’m rooting for Shaun and Dorcas to end up happy together, but it does seem they don’t—at least for a while. Will they end up together?
I also like that this seems to be a “protagonist gets they want” story. Often getting what one wants ends up being more complicated than the protag thinks, and the main question driving the drama becomes “Will the protag get what they need?” We know some of the things Shaun wants—to be strong, to be with Wendy, maybe even he now wants a little bit to be with Dorcas. But what does he need? I’m guessing that it has something to do with bravery and then with learning how to use any power he gains.
I’m also eager to see how Hercules enters the story—and why he’s such a jerk!
I also want to say that I can learn a lot from the way you cut scenes and chapters!
Most important, keep going! And if you have any questions about my feedback or about ideas, please ask!
Thank you for sharing Jerkules, Alan!
Best,
Andy
Alan,
ReplyDeleteFirst, this is fabulous! Every scene takes me back to my high school days. Junior high's did not exist in the 50's, I think. Right from grade 8 to freshman. Yeah, I am old. The first sign of a compelling and well written story is how the reader feels that he or she is there, can feel, smell, touch the scene. My fitbit measured my heart rate going up a number of times as I envisioned Shaun struggling with his feelings about girls, other guys and especially parents. The story bridges the fantasy world and magical realism, ending up on the very real side of how a young character sees his world.
Your descriptive passages are like an internal microscope exposing thoughts and feelings that every boy and girl experience with parents and friends, finding themselves in a complicated and sometimes cruel world.
The story took me back to my high school days of wondering if my associations were different than everybody else. In the summer between my junior and senior year in high school, I had the chance to be a counselor at a boys camp for 5-9 year olds. I jumped at it. The camp was my hoodie. I came back a different 17 year old.
My big point is that stories are meant to make a connection with the reader. This story connects on many levels. I have heard writing teachers say "Find out what you do best and do more of it." You use physical description and internal narrative in an elegant manner. Keep it up.
Your use of Shamblers and Mumblers is one of my favorite descriptive tools. "and people in shabby cloths shambling down the street or sitting in doorways mumbling to themselves." I found myself wanting to know who these people were and I could see them, hear them, smell them.
Roddy Doyle, Man Booker winner, has a middle grade chapter book titled "Brilliant," set in Dublin, that uses mumblers as a description of how parents hide things from kids. His book is illustrated and perhaps "Jerkules" should be illustrated also. Yes it should.
I'm seeing this as a 150-170 page book. 14-16 chapters. Can't wait to see how Dorcas and Shaun move ahead.
Or Bill - did you by chance go to Catholic schools? I just looked it up and the Catholic school in my neighborhood is K-8. I remember the one in Bemidji, MN when I was growing up was K-8 as well.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I'm wondering what Shaun is doing in junior high at age 14 or 15, too.
My favorite part is when Shaun has his little Hercules statue beat up the Cyclops. But I have to say that feels like a 12-year-old moment. Of course, I often have 12-year-old moments.
FWIW, I don't know anything about the Hercules myth or the role of the Nemean Lion, except that Hercules was very strong. You say in the story that Hercules wore the lion skin for protection. It feels a little like the Nemean Lion hoodie is Shaun's lion skin, or maybe even endows Shaun with Herculean strength.
I love the part on page 42 when Shaun can all of sudden do six pushups and is surprised by this, and notes that his tee shirt is a little tight. Love how you show that very slow realization that something is changing. It's fun when the reader can see what's happening before the MC can.
I also love when his dad tells him things will be okay. That was just a really nice moment.
I'm intrigued by this whole Scrum/story world in which Shaun has a destiny that he has chosen by choosing the hoodie - a world that the zombie & shambler know about, that Dorcas and maybe the Carpottys seems to know about, and maybe even Shaun's parents. It seems Shaun is just being initiated into this world. Will it intersect with the "real world" of Greg and Wendy? Will the "real world" come to feel irrelevant? I want to see where this goes!