Write Fu

Writing that kicks your ass

Monday, July 17, 2017

Sludge Beginning

Hi Group,

This round I'm submitting a new beginning of Sludge. I pitched Sludge to a New York Agent at a writer's conference and she asked for the manuscript. That was two years ago and I never sent it. I wasn't satisfied with the beginning and then I got sidetracked.

Please let me know if you think I'm starting the story in right place or if it could start somewhere better.

A a reader, do you see an inciting incident that calls Sludge to action? If not, do you have any ideas about what the inciting incident could be? Or if the inciting incident is too weak, how can I improve it or make it a more compelling call to action?

Any other comments are also appreciated.

I'll be emailing the first 20 pages shortly.

Thanks, Alan
Posted by at

2 comments:

  1. UnknownAugust 20, 2017 at 5:32 PM

    OK Alan,

    Great entry for Sludge, Trashcan and 12 year-old Lora. Could be any volley ball game. Good clue on the second page, "As I fell to the grass....The game went on," that it wasn't.

    Suspense builds with "The music stopped and the ball blew up."

    I sense that the Compound is a place that a "Manchurian Candidate" might be under construction.

    Who is Grandpa? Is he a positive influence on Sludge?

    Does Sludge have a nom de plumme, or is Sludge his pen name?

    Those unidentified voices are fascinating. I am already building my own pictures out of the dialog.

    One immediate association is Netflix's "Stranger Things." Skip the agent, go directly to Netflix.

    Who does Dr. Bradshaw represent? Love the snake charmer analogy and the fact that he wears a black cap. Today's Charlottesville?

    "No Bacon for you," is today's "No soup for you," from the Soup Nazi.

    Sludge has a sense of humor that is a necessary balance to the awful, not "Benevolent," place he is in.

    On Page 13, who says?
    "You are a very bad man.
    "See, I told you..........."

    Sludge, what is his real name?

    I love how Sludge talks to the reader. "Did it hurt? Yes it hurt."

    Is Section C-3 real science?

    Is it real Morse Code?

    I love the science and the suspense.

    Going after Lora seems to be his route to solving his dilemma







    "I could have been the next kid to disappear." says, danger, danger!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownAugust 20, 2017 at 5:41 PM

    Alan,

    Firelight Press might be interested in "Sludge."

    See "Erec Rex, The Dragon Eye," by Kaza Kingsley.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)