I've just sent you 93 pages of my YA WIP, Mourning Light, but don't run away in horror. I'm not looking for a detailed critique. I’ve added a voice in a kind of unusual way, and I need some feedback on whether that works - and you need a longish chunk to be able to say whether it gets tiresome or not.
This voice is italicized and has wider margins on both sides; it mostly occurs at the ends of chapters.
My questions:
Who do you think the voice is speaking to? Does that person hear her?
Who do you think the voice is, and when do you figure this out?
What do you think about the frequency with which the voice appears? At one point she/he says quite a lot. Do you want or expect to hear more from him/her as time goes on?
At a certain point a third voice comes in. Is this in any way confusing?
Who do you think the story belongs to? Whose story do you care more about? Does this vary?
Thanks, guys!!!
Carolyn
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteI think of all your fine writing, I enjoyed this the most. You pulled me in early and didn’t let me go. So much is going on. Without being overwhelming, you deliver loads of mystery bit by bit that builds on what we already know, answering some questions but bringing up so many more. I had to keep reading.
Here are my answers to each of your questions:
I think the voice is speaking to Mia. Mia doesn’t seem to hear the voice at the beginning. Later, she mentions that Katie is speaking to her, but I can’t pinpoint when she actually heard a voice for the first time. It was clear to me the first time she saw something from the past on page three.
Because Mia’s mom died as a suicide that seems to be part of a bigger plan, I kept expecting her mom to speak to her so I kept looking for clues that would lead to that. Will that happen? It took me until page 37 to think the voice was the Dokota girl who fell/jumped/was pushed out the window. That was when I see the italicized, “Getbackgetbackgetback” Mia feels panic, but doesn’t seem to hear the voice. I didn’t really clue in that this was the voice of the same person who words had been italicized early because that person was the daughter of a white man. It wasn’t until page 68 when I learn that the girl is half white half Dakota that I put that together. At this point it still doesn’t see that Mia hears the voice but feels emotionally strong messages.
I like the frequency with which the voice appears. I was a bit confused by the first appearance of the voice because I didn’t know who it was or where it came from and there was no reaction from Mia. However, I think I can see why it’s there. Is this story being told from the point of view of the voice? If so, then it makes sense to establish the voice early on, especially if the voice belongs to a main character. If that is the case then the story may not be able to be told from the POV of Mia. I can see why you may also not want to tell it first person from the POV of the voice because that would give away some of the mystery. Besides, that person is a ghost and as a dead person doesn’t have any publishing rights.
Have readers of this genre often been exposed to unidentified voices? If so they should be willing to wait for it to be identified and may not be as confused as I initially was. Even though I was a bit confused by it, I still wanted to read on and find out what the heck was going on.
You asked if we were confused by the third voice. You’re talking about Katie, right? I was a bit confused by that for a moment but you mentioned it was from Katie so no biggie.
Who do I think the story belongs to? I think it’s being told from the point of view of the Dakota girl. But it still seems like Mia’s story. She’s totally the one I care about by p. 93. I see how this could change as we learn more about the Dakota girl. I know you mentioned her name, but I still think of her as the Dakota girl. For some reason Katie’s name is sticking with me, maybe because it was brought up early by the voice.
I don’t find the voice scary or menacing. I think she’s benign or even good rather than malevolent because I think she’s the one who went out the window. However, since the girl left a baby behind, I think she didn’t jump. I don’t think she just fell either, especially after Diego went out the window. Since both Diego and the Dakota girl went out the window, it seems they were pushed. The pusher would be malevolent. Will we hear a voice from this person? Have we already? That would be freaky.
I’m still putting pieces together and don’t expect to understand it all at this point. I’m willing and eager to get more pieces of this puzzle so I can put it together. I really want to see if Mom is involved in any way on the other side.
Such a fun and exciting read. Good work.
Thanks for sharing,
Alan
Alan, your comments mean so much to me. I have been working on this story for 20 years - it has changed shape several times - and so it's extremely gratifying that you like it, when this genre isn't your cup of tea. And you absolutely get what's going on with the voices, at least so far! Whew! So glad someone did! In an actual printed book you can do much more with typefaces - but with manuscripts you send by email, you have to be careful with that, because sometimes typeface tricks get lost.
ReplyDeleteDo you really want to read the rest? I don't expect any more comments, but would welcome any hints about where things AREN'T working. I have another 150 pages revised now, and plan to have the whole thing done (400 p. total) by the end of the week.