I've emailed you the first two chapters of my book, Eddie and Goob. At this point, I have just finished a first draft of the entire book. Six episodic chapters total. Any comments are welcome and greatly appreciated.
Dave
Writing that kicks your ass
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDave,
ReplyDeleteI am in this story from the beginning, checking my "could this really happen?" at the door to my den. Eddie has what every kid wants; his own world; "He had gone to seek his fortune in that one land where he was in charge. The backyard." Michael Chabon writes about leaving his "known world," as a young boy and the thrill of exploration that is often kept from boys in todays world. Eddie's parents give him support and freedom that allows him to discover his own world that you so elegantly describe. "Meteorites off the starboard bow."
You write as an omniscient narrator and move easily between protagonist Eddie, herald Goob and antagonist Alien. Your use of the "universe" as god, or the big giant in the sky that brings rain when he drinks a glass of water, has all kinds of Big Bang, origin of everything, explanations. I hope this is played out further.
The way you connect Goob and Eddie is very cool. "Something his antenna wasn't translating. It was the wish itself," is a reflection of how people connect without knowing why or knowing where it will lead. And I love the line "...sound doesn't travel through space the same as wishes."
Q. How does Eddie breathe in space? I don't really care, but a smart kid might.
Q. Page 9: But they were looking.... refers to whom? the universe? - Eddie & Goob?
Q. Alien is understood by Goob. Great. Is she understood by Eddie? There is a Goob language, a cat language, & english. Great. Will there be more. If there is, be consistant as to who understands who and why.
Q. Does the universe god control the button on Goob's planet? Why does the universe god play with goob?
Q. Why don't mom & dad seem worried about losing Alien?
Great stuff.
Bill
I wondered too how Eddie might breathe in space--perhaps an opportunity for the writer to create a cool device!
ReplyDeleteIt may be plausible for the parents not to notice or not be too concerned about the cat for that night, but perhaps they'd start noticing/becoming concerned the next morning? It may depend on Alien's habits.
This gave me a Calvin and Hobbes feeling. The goofy kid with the huge imagination...parents who don't know what their son is up to...etc.
ReplyDeleteWas Eddie able to breathe in space because he drank some of Goob's drink? If so, would the cat also need to take a sip?
If Goob thinks and talks in his own particular manner, would Alien the cat have his own method of thinking and speaking? I know this is a fantastic tale, but I didn't want the cat to speak like a human being. I don't know--maybe he could have long rrr sounds or something.
I felt bad for Alien the cat, floating about in space, since it wasn't HIS idea to go along for the ride. The cat doesn't seem like a nasty enough character--but the next door neighbor kid, now I could see him being the creep swatting at Eddie and Goob in space.
What is so cool here is you've extablished that virtually anything is possible--I expect the stakes to be raised with each chapter.
Dave,
ReplyDeleteI read your wonderful story when you first posted it. I immediately wanted to say it reminded me of Harold and the Purple Crayon and of The Little Prince but couldn’t say clearly enough why. I finally went back and reread both books. It’s interesting that The Little Prince came to my mind so quickly because it’s written in such a different style than your story. However, it’s not the style the book is written in that’s stuck with me since childhood but the environment in which the story is told. The Little Prince even makes his home on an asteroid that’s the size of a house.
More importantly, Harold and the Prince are both set in fanciful worlds that they can manipulate through the power of their own imaginations. I wonder if it is connecting to readers on that level that is a large part of what has made these two books popular for decades.
Edie too has a powerful imagination that he has used to alter his own world through his wish. A difference with Edie is that his imagination doesn’t seem to have created anything real. All the fantastic stuff seems to come from the universe through Goob. Although, I suspect there is more to it than that. I want to read more to see if there is.
I think Bill, Andy and Chris all made important comments. As Bill suggested, this type of story needs the reader to suspend his disbelief. Perhaps because I was thinking of The Little Prince I didn’t have a hard time with Edie flying around in space on a tiny planet without anything to help him breath. The Little Prince could breathe on his tiny planet unaided and he planned on importing a sheep from Earth. The little planet, which the author often called an asteroid, even had roses and baobab trees growing on it.
I did have a little bit of a tough time when the cat got as big as the moon. My darned adult mind wondered about the gravitational effect such a big object would have on the tides and considered the fact that a moon sized cat would be easily seen from Earth. However, I think that it might be possible to make that all fit if readers were prepared with a few more hints earlier on about what kind of book they were reading. A couple of words or a sentence to hint at the fantastic might be enough.
Like Chris, I felt bad for the cat, after a while. I did think you pegged the typical cat attitude and thought the cat’s personality was hilarious.
Creativity and humor are in high demand and you certainly have both here. Nice.
Alan
Dave! What a great story you've crafted, I remember reading this when it was just a little sketch about an alien named Goob and his chair and a smiley face button. It's come a long way!
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to go through comments as I encountered them in the story, if that's cool with you...
I like starting with the wish, but I feel it needs more. Just saying there's a wish without revealing what it was until the end of the chapter pulled me out. Could the wish wait? Or, if not, I would say give us the set up (zig zaggy star streaks across the sky) and have Eddie say "I wish for a real friend." Alternatively, you could just cut the first couple sentences and start with Eddie. get us invested in him, then let the wish play out without the time jumping.
One of the best things about your story is language. It's fun and playful without being "dumbed down". It reads beautifully.
I love the bit about Zorgo, too, and the ironic fact that the kid who refuses to believe in spacemen is named kirk. I hope we have some more fun with that in a later chapter!
Great introduction of Goob and his dialogue is so unique. it really shines. I love all the characters' dialogue, the cat too, as they each have their own mannerisms and ways of speaking.
On page 6 I was a little shocked to know Goob was as tall as a house. I pictured him maybe Eddie sized, or that of his parents. As soon as he meets Eddie, tell us his size. We are already prone to misunderstanding since he lives on a planet the size of Eddie's backyard. (BTW, is the planet round? flat? Can you stand on the other side of it?)
The next chapter is also fun. I like the episodic nature of these stories. Like you could read one a night.
Eddie's interaction with his parents is well handled, and I like how they react to his "imaginary" friend.
ReplyDeletePersonally, being allergic to them, I think cats make great villains. However, I have to say that my girlfriend Katie (who I also had to share this wonderful story with, I hope that is okay!) did not enjoy it when the cat floated off into space. Even I was caught a little off guard by this, and felt bad for Alien. I think a lot of the other readers did too, which I know was not your intention.
Maybe make it less evil and a bit more comical. I think of the Blueberry scene in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Make her blow up, but not be in control or anything. Maybe She does float away, but Eddie and Goob have to rescue her (it is his cat after all). You don't want your readers feeling bad, you want them falling over in laughter!
This brings me to another question. On page 18 Eddie seems to turn into a villain, taunting her by saying "Like that? Like that you crazy cat?? Want a little more?" before pushing her off to die in space. Not how you want your protagonist to act unless it's the punisher blasting away a crime boss or Ash chopping a zombie to bits with a chainsaw. (hopefully you get at least one of those movie references!) My point is that anti-heroes act like that. 8 year old boys probably shouldn't, even if the cat wanted to paw at the earth.
So, why does he? Both the parents and Eddie seem to hate the cat. They call her insane and she has no good qualities. It's hard for me to picture this. A pet is a member of the family, you may not always like them, but you always love them. Or else, if you don't, you're the kind of person that wouldn't keep it. So I want to know why does nobody like Alien? It has to be more than she thinks she's queen of the earth. All cats are like that and many people love them despite it. Perhaps the solution is as simple as changing the owner. Maybe it's not Eddie's cat, but Kirk's cat. (I still wouldn't have it float off to die alone in space, though!) But it could explain why they don't like her.
You've made a great story of friendship, silliness and fun! I can't wait for their next adventure, this is a great story in the making. Good luck on it!
Dave,
ReplyDeleteAgain, sorry for the late reply. Crazy couple of months. I loved the earlier draft of Goob that I read, and I love this one even more. The story is really developing nicely, mainly because the relationship between Goob and Eddie is growing stronger.
I love the details you use. The red snow pants. Navy captain’s hat. Great! And the intimate moments of Eddie’s play (meteorite shower, etc.) are fabulous. I think the portrayal is spot on. Reminds me of my childhood (especially as an only child). I also like the blended play. Eddie imagines aliens and nautical themes in the same play session, which is perfect because little boys rarely have just one layer of play.
I’m glad you kept the blippedy blop. Another great detail. And a fun sound!
I like “all fives,” although, I don’t think you need the apostrophe.
Love “but the backyard belongs to me.” That sense of a world that belongs only to a child and his imagination. Perfect.
And I love that his parents accept (and even encourage) his imagination. And along with that, I love that the adult world continues, oblivious to (and entirely separate from) the child world. This allows us to wonder whether Goob and Eddie’s adventures are entirely imagined or real (although, I think and hope they’re real, because we’re given parts of the story from Goob’s perspective). And if they are real, then the adventures take place outside of the adult world. Kind of like the toys in Toy Story having a whole world all their own, not witnessed by humans. You’re walking that line between fantasy and imagination well, I think.
I like the Alien chapter, too. The interplay/fighting between Alien and Goob is fun. I like that Goob can understand Alien (and vice versa), too. Only, you make mention that Eddie can’t understand what they’re saying, but I wish you’d note this sooner (i.e. when Goob and Alien are having their first meeting). I wondered throughout that sequence if Eddie could understand them. Also, at later times in the chapter, it seems like Eddie CAN understand Alien. That’s a little confusing.
Also, I know Alien is mentioned in chapter one, but I think she needs to make an appearance at the beginning of chapter 2 as well. Maybe sitting on the windowsill as Eddie goes in for dinner and Goob listens outside? Something to think about. I think it would frame the chapter better (especially since the chapter focuses on her). I mean, the story is still about the relationship between Eddie and Goob, of course, but in this chapter, it’s about Eddie and Goob and this situation with Alien. The ending to this chapter is very good, with Goob outside, sort of protecting the backyard (which belongs to Eddie). Very sweet.
Alien, by the way, has a great personality. Very evil, in a cute sort of way.
And CATastrophic? Haha! Great!
Minor details: “Window seal” should actually be “windowsill” (or “window sill”?), I think.
Hey guys thank you for the great tips! I've been off this blog for a good two and a half weeks now. Just packing and training for Japan. You should see my house. It's like tunneling through stacks of boxes and piles of junk!
ReplyDeleteYour insights and comments are going to be very helpful as I revise. Some things I can take care of quickly. For instance, I thought I had made it clear that it's the sludge that makes Eddie breathe in space. But reading again, I realize I didn't.
Other things will take longer. Like it never really occurred to me how cruel Eddie seemed killing off the cat! In my mind she was such a super villain already. By the way, she's not really dead. She comes back in chapter three. She is the main antagonist in that story, and eventually is returned to something close to normalcy.
Thanks for all the minor notes too. Things I would probably never catch unless someone told me.
Really excited to seeing some of you in a couple days!