I'm emailing the text of this piece. Andy's seen a similar version of it (sorry Andy) but I'm curious to see what a this group up of guys thinks of it. I'm not looking for anything in particular.
Thanks.
Writing that kicks your ass
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Alan, what a deep, Dickensian fantasy world you’ve set up here! I can really feel the misery, and the mystery is everywhere. I think you’re onto something with using Albert’s devastating loneliness to drive the story towards the mystery of where he comes from. And I really started to enter the story at the end of chapter three, with the ring and the message “Albert come home.”
ReplyDeleteThere are parts of this story that are a bit disorienting. There’s a lot of information coming at me, and I’d like you to help me out more with comprehending it so that it doesn’t stop me cold. For instance in the beginning, there’s a dog-like thing. And Albert’s connection to it is like a tick. And then he’s clutching his chest and talking about life sucking powers. Is he talking about Bentley Manor? The dog? Is he just being dramatic? But instead of me getting more clarity, I read in the next moment that his white lock of hair is twitching, and now he’s talking to it. And then on the next page, a white seagull with pink eyes appears. And then I’m picturing Mrs. Grimsley falling all the way into a dirty clothes hamper. All this stuff is happening and I don’t really know what these things are supposed to be telling me.
So I guess what I’m saying is I think you should slow down. Spread out more the rate of new information I’m getting. I think you should slowly build the story’s mystery and try to make things simpler. Like for instance (and I’m not saying you should do this. I’m just trying to explain more what I mean by “simpler”), what would happen if you started the book with the scene of Albert hiding in the closet? And instead of him getting the note from Mrs. Grimsely, she finds him and actually tells him the stuff on the note. And all the other things about his white lock of hair and his connection to the wolves and Lunk and everything else could be revealed layer by layer as he launches into the adventure you set up with his punishment? I know this is pretty opinion-heavy advice, so I really hope it is at least a tiny bit useful! If not, please take it with a grain of salt. What does that even mean, by the way?
And then I know this is picky, but as a former news correspondent, I also wanted to give you a note about your news stories. You have them written kind of like a cross between a feature and an actual news story. But it seems like you want them to be more headline-type hard news articles. With that in mind, I think they should have less speculation and be focused more on the hard, newsworthy facts. And I think you should put the who, what, when, where of the news in the first sentence. I know it’s a small thing, but I think this will ground the book more in this rich, gritty world you’ve imagined.
I can tell you’ve worked hard on this. I love the fact that Albert himself is your story’s main mystery. His identity quest is such a great story thread. I think the way you sequentially reveal his layers will be the key to keeping me hooked. Great work Alan!
I've had the benefit (honor!) of reading "Albert No-Name and the Valley of Doom" all the way through, so I may say just a few things now, then wait to read what others' comments are, and then maybe make some more comments.
ReplyDeleteAlan, I love the humor, the ease with which you describe magical events such as the words appearing on the ring, and how you constantly deepen the mysteries (the ways Mrs. Grimsley and the Old Wolf react to things Albert says hint at such a mysterious past, and you've got some killer chapter endings!).
I also feel that you have created a story with distinctive style, and you do a wonderful of blending humor, emotion, and excitement. I'm rooting for Albert all the way. He's an underdog with a sense of humor, and he's tough enough that a few cops can't drag him way without getting bit up! He's also got a clear desire--to find his family and thus become a somebody. There are great stakes in his quest.
I'd like to piggyback on Dave's comment about making things simpler. Sometimes I see in my own work that I'm using too many plot mechanics to move the characters around and establish story flow. Perhaps simplify sequences of events. For example, in the first chapter, Albert has many significant encounters--the doglike thing, the seagull, Mrs. Grimsley, a girl we later learn is Susie, and Lunk. Perhaps one of these significant encounters could happen later? This may have something to do with simplifying plot design or the chain of events. I do know that the story ahead is rich and all the characters you've introduced so far have significance later. Maybe introduce them on a need-to-know basis?
And maybe my comment for chapter 2 is about similar simplification. I hesitate to make this suggestion because I love it when an author weaves in other texts such as articles, emails, and "bad boy notices" (loved that!). But I now wonder if the two news articles could be crunched down into a paragraph or two of paraphrase and bits of direct quotation--by doing so, you may be able to convey what the articles do, but more quickly. That would also allow you to keep the details that mean the most. Does this make sense? I think that the quicker you convey, what the articles contain, the quicker you can get back to Mrs. Grimsley's actions and developing the plot through the usual narrative voice. The Bad Boy Notice may be one to keep in its entirety!
Wonderful job, Alan!
Alan,
ReplyDeleteI apologize for being so late. I have never been involved in the design and construction of a hospital and it takes a bit of time and energy.
In the meantime, it was worth the wait. Mary K. & I both read Albert. We have been teaching creative writing in the 3-5 grades in Jamestown and we agree that the boys, and girls, would love this story.
Great line: "Even the weeds were dead," sets a somber yet weird tone.
The "dog thing' perhaps is a herald in the classic sense.
Mrs. Grimsley is akin to Dahl's Trunchbull in "Matilda."
Your physical descriptions are excellent: "The woman gasped, sucking Fungus’s hard, crusty, sweat-stained sock into her mouth. She gagged on the toe of the sock. The crustiest part of all." yuck.
POV shifts nicely to Grimsley in the 2nd chapter. Is this intentional and you mean to alternate or swing between characters?
Book to read: "The Girl Who Could Fly," Virginia Forester. You'll see why if you take a look.
Grimsley makes a great protagonist - Will she ever come around, like some adults do?
Albert reminds me of Tramp, but with more magic.
"Speakeasy Paper," comes from a fertile imagination with great associative ability.
Alan, is this what I remember from your creative thesis? I would love to see where Albert goes and with whom.
This is an exciting story. Finish it soon.
little, minute stuff: on page 6, bite instead of bit; page 8 & 10, clothes not cloths; & wolf or wolfe?
Bill
Hey Alan, finally got around to giving your story a read through! Rather than split it up into two parts, I'm just going to post all my comments in "as read" order.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love the setting! It captures the despairing mood that Albert must feel. However, the beginning feels a bit rushed through. I think the story really begins on the bottom of that page with "Ancient Bentley Manor Children's Home..." I've had problems myself with giving away too much in the first chapter. Sometimes it helps to save a few surprises for down the road. I like the idea of introducing the wolf, but you could easily fit that in a slightly later chapter without losing anything.
Also, watch your details. He's on the third floor window and it's raining and I'm assuming it's night... it might not be, but if it isn't you need to say so, because I assumed it was. You have him see the wolf so clearly, down to a sneer revealing yellowed teeth. It's great! I just don't know if given how far away and what the weather is like, could he believably see it. Just something to think about. :)
I love the character of Mrs. Grimsley! She is simply so evil. If you've ever seen Invader Zim, she makes me think of Ms. Bitters (quite an evil teacher!) so you've done your job well.
On page 3 I am a little confused as to how she gets trapped in the laundry hamper. It is a good scene, funny and mysterious, but I just need a bit more detail. Does the hair do it? Is it an accident? I'm thinking she's just surprised to see the hair and stumbles back, but it needs a bit more staging. And maybe a reaction from Albert like "Oh no, she saw the hair!" Better worded, of course.
I think it's really funny of you to give her a pet bath toy named squeakers. Really breaks the stereotype without making her less nasty. everyone needs a friend.
Names are great throughout the story! I would like to hear the home referred to on the first page like it is on page 8, "Bentley Manor Minimum-Security Children's Center". It's a prison for Albert and the sooner we know this the better. I would consider shortening the articles she reads. They give us a great deal of back story, but do we need them? Do we need to hear all of them now? Is Mrs. Grimsley the best character to reveal this information (as opposed to maybe Susie digging it up... she does seem the snoopy type). I do, however, love the reference to the unsent paper and how that comes back as the punishment later!
As wild as ALbert can be, I'm surprised he doesn't fight back in chapter 3 against the bullies. I mean, he was living with wolves and bites his foster parrents. It just seems unlikely to me that they could take him in a fight. I'd sooner believe they teased him and played pranks. Maybe you could have Albert wish that he could use some of his strength when he wasn't dreaming to explain why he doesn't fight back.
Your characters are so strong, great work throughout this piece! I want a bit more of Albert, though. He's the main character, but I'm not 100% sure who he is. Grimsley, I know. Susie, I know. Lunk I know. I'm happy to come along with you on the journey to find out who he is, but make sure he is as unique as these other characters! As good as the chapter with Grimsley is, I'd almost rather have another chapter on Albert at that early point to get to know him more.
Excellent end for Chapter 3, btw! Names are definitely your strong suit. I love the "speakeasy" paper and all the characters and places. Great work! And that last chapter is very exciting, Albert is ready for his great adventure and a sense of danger has fully surrounded him by now. Just what the reader needs.
Great story, it was a really fun read!
Alan—
ReplyDeleteFirst off, my apologies for the delay. I won’t get into it, but life has taken a few difficult turns during the past two months. Things are leveling out now, though. I really like Albert and am grateful that you shared it with us. Sorry if any of this is redundant, but these are the things that came to mind while I was reading:
First, I love the whimsy. From Bad Boy Notices, to “there’s nothing that anybody who’s a nobody wants more than to be a somebody,” to green Jell-O and mashed potatoes, you have some great turns of phrase and excellent characterization.
I love that Mrs. Grimsley storms further into the room. “Doom, doom, doom.” And it’s great how she plots while squeezing that poor toy frog. Good imagery, keying us into her state of mind. I also like the idea of a “satisfying squeak.” And “Mmmmm, bitter.” That’s great!
The only thing I’m stuck on with her is that you say she feels bad that Albert’s real parents haven’t showed up, yet she’s hell bent on punishing him for not helping our out of a hamper. I’m not sure if she’d be so vindictive AND compassionate. Probably need to temper one characteristic or the other. Also why dig through his past to pick out a punishment? Seems a little excessive (especially for what seems like a minor offense). Maybe he could do something worse (or, at least, worse in her mind).
There’s a few places to clear some things up, too. At the beginning, I’m not totally clear on what happens. The like sucking powers thing—is he just being dramatic, or does this have something to do with the enemy Old Wolfe refers to (and the dog-like creature outside the school)?
The last couple paragraphs of chapter four are a bit confusing, too. Is it only Old Wolfe speaking? If so, why all of the paragraph breaks? It seems like your speaker is switching back and forth, but I don’t think that’s the case.
Also , the scene with Old Wolfe is interesting. I like the idea of him appearing in the mirror, and I like the speakeasy parchment. However, all of it happens so fast. And I found myself wishing that weird things would just continue to happen to Albert during the first couple chapters (like you already have, with his lock of hair acting up, seeing the dog-like creature, etc.). Then when he turns 13, have something really big and strange happen (perhaps his enemy can attack?). Then maybe have Old Wolfe show up, rescue him, and tell him that he’s just turned 13. That’s just one idea. But I do feel that as it is right now, Old Wolfe is telling us way too much information, way too fast.
I feel the same way about the newspaper article. Dave has more newspaper writing experience than I do so I can’t comment on the form as well as he has, and I actually really like the tone that you’ve struck in the paper—also very whimsical. But I think you’re giving us a bit too much a bit too fast. Maybe find ways to parcel out this information instead of pouring all of it on us at once.
Finally, this story is a lot of fun. I’d love to see more some time. Albert is a likeable character (even his name is great!). And I agree with Dave and Bill, who seemed to indicate that the story has both Dickensian and Dahlian (?) influences.
Thanks for sharing and WRITE ON!