Hey everyone,
I've attached the opening chapters of Rattled, a YA novel I'm working on. These are the first 20 pages of what might end being around 300 (just so you have an idea of what this opening chunk is in comparison to what the whole story arc might end up being).
My concerns:
1) Is my protagonist sympathetic?
2) Does the story draw you on? Does it move with good velocity?
3) What's working well and what isn't?
4) Where do you imagine the story going from here?
Thanks, guys! Happy Fathers Day to all of you fathers!
Andy
Hey Andy, I just read Rattled. You definitely have themes running through your writing--the importance of sports for the main character, main character/father issues, and nature.
ReplyDeleteWhat works for me is your storytelling method. I like how it starts in the present, and then from time to time you haul the reader into the past to fill in the blanks via showing--you could have simply told the reader that the MC left Bob & his mother's house, but instead you brought us back in time and let it unfold naturally. Well done. I also like, as I have in your past works, the balance of dialog and narration. Good details throughout--you scatter setting details throughout rather than take two paragraphs and giving us a block of detail.
Your MC is sympathetic. He's not whiny. He has issues with both parents--it seems they've both let him down. The MC gets good grades and has a plan for his future--it's not like he's a burnout who gives his parents reason to dick hinm around.
The pacing of the story is good. No issues here. I like how whatever secret mom wants the MC to keep from his father isn't revealed. Makes you want to continue reading to figure out what happened.
What isn't working well? Not much. My only moment of doubt was when the MC wondered if his dad would come to his basketball game--since the father was always MIA, I didn't think the kid would even want his dad there. Sort of a too little too late type deal.
Where I see the story gong from here--I eventually see the father and son getting closer, although not "Little House on the Prairie" closer. The son might not know that his father HAS gone to some of his games--keeping out of sight for some weird reason. I don't see MC and Bob/mom getting much closer--there needs to be some running friction through the end or you run the risk of writing an afterschool special story. I would hope MC finds a friend (or enemy) on the team--he needs to hang out with his peers because I don't feel a YA can really work without peer interaction.
ReplyDelete(I would ask you to think about how this story differs--or is similar to your "Critters" manuscript just to be sure you are writing a unique story.)
Well done (as always)!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBrian is a trusted narrator. Anybody that knows that much about snakes and describes scenes and people so well has to be trusted. After two chapters, I really want to know the promise and secret. His apparent aloofness to his own pain will, I am sure, come out. I find him almost too much in control, and that's not bad. I see a big let down coming. I am trying to think as a smart teenager, that's who you are writing for, and they want to see ahead, guess at what is going to happen, and then say, aha, knew it, or, wow, never saw that coming. So, Brian is sympathetic.
ReplyDeleteThe "knock knock" scene on pg's 2-3 grabs the need for a father to connect to his son and failing. It is easy when a son is 0-12. Then dad's need to be very attentive and listen to know what a son is really about.
The story moves along at 79 mph. 80 would be too fast. The foundation is there for a heart wrenching, or glorious, the world is at peace, ending.
Is it a bildungsroman?(German pronunciation: [ˈbɪldʊŋs.ʁoˌmaːn]; German: "formation novel") a genre of the novel which focuses on the psychological and moral growth of the protagonist from youth to adulthood.[1] Change is thus extremely important.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bildungsroman
Andy knows so much about snakes and divorced parents, would he tell us a little of his own background. Sometimes stories have to be written and come early in a writer's career. This sounds like one, or Andy has already published 10 books and has lied about his age.
Andy, well done.
Happy 4th.
Bill
July 4, 2010 7:00 AM
2) Does the story draw you on? Yes. Does it move with good velocity? Yes.
ReplyDeleteGreat introductory paragraph. You get the readers attention quick and then go into back story. Then you weave right back into the present. That weaving back and forth gave me some important info but also made the present happenings more tense.
1)Is your protagonist sympathetic? Yes,
You do a great job of making your character’s exterior world relate to his interior world as in, “And I have to wonder: If the Genius can see the wonder in a rattler, why did he never see any wonder in me?” That sentence is also a great hook for YA boys who so often feel that their fathers aren’t all they wish they would be.
What I find particularly appealing about Brian is that even though his dad isn’t involved in Brian’s passions, Brain is involved in his dad’s. I also like that Brian is responsible.
3) What's working well and what isn't?
It’s appealing that the reason Brian left his mom’s is because of a secret. You’ve given us some clues about what that secret might be but left us wonting to find out more. I also find it appealing that Brian is keeping that secret from his dad because he doesn’t want to hurt him. This sort of device worked well in Hatchet and could serve you well throughout the book if you decided to hold out on telling what the secret is as long as you continue to drop hints along the way.
For that important first sentence you might consider adding a period after “porch” and beginning the next sentence with “it flicked”. That could make your fine begging pop even more and reduce the amount of info in that first sentence.
I’m a little confused about Brian’s relationship with the city of Winona and with Coach Lane. On page one Brian has just driven into Winona from out of town where he lived with his mom. On page one he also says that today will be his first summer league game with the Winona High varsity. On page 20 he says it’s his new team and that Coach Lane emailed Brian back saying he’s excited to meet him. That all made sense to me but later on page twenty Brian says that spotting Coach Lane isn’t hard after all the web-scouring he did on Winona High men’s varsity. I thought I understood that Brian is in a new town and is about to begin playing with a new team and for a new coach he’d never met. I’m also not sure why they’re at Winona State campus.
You’ve done a great job with this story and I think it’s particularly sweet that Brian doesn’t call his mom’s new husband Bob. He is The Bob. It’s more of what the man is rather than who he is. Brian has made the guy’s name into kind of an insult. That’s good character development of both Bob and Brian. At that point it makes me think that Bob did something worse to Brian than just marry his mom. By the time Brain says, “Blow me, shithead” the reader already knows there’s no respect there. Soon you drop enough hints to make us pretty sure that The Bob has something to do with the secret that would hurt his dad.
Loved the reaching stick. I have a genius, inventor bachelor uncle who lived in a trailer house in the mountains for years until his brothers and sister feared for his health enough to move him out. Brian’s dad is so like him.
4) Where do you imagine the story going from here?
I see Brian’s dad understanding Brian better and coming to his games. I see Brian forgiving his mom for what she did and having a better relationship with her.
Perhaps Brian’s mom leaves early one day and The Bob wakes up to find a rattle snake in his bed. OK, maybe a devenomed one, just for kicks.
2) Does the story draw you on? Yes. Does it move with good velocity? Yes.
ReplyDeleteGreat introductory paragraph. You get the readers attention quick and then go into back story. Then you weave right back into the present. That weaving back and forth gave me some important info but also made the present happenings more tense.
For that important first sentence you might consider adding a period after “porch” and beginning a new sentence with “it flicked”. That could make your fine begging pop even more and reduce the amount of info in that first sentence.
1)Is your protagonist sympathetic? Yes,
You do a great job of making your character’s exterior world relate to his interior world as in, “And I have to wonder: If the Genius can see the wonder in a rattler, why did he never see any wonder in me?” That sentence is also a great hook for YA boys who so often feel that their fathers aren’t all they wish they would be.
What I find particularly appealing about Brian is that even though his dad isn’t involved in Brian’s passions, Brain is involved in his dad’s. I also like that Brian is responsible.
3) What's working well and what isn't?
It’s appealing that the reason Brian left his mom’s is because of a secret. You’ve given us some clues about what that secret might be but left us wonting to find out more. I also find it appealing that Brian is keeping that secret from his dad because he doesn’t want to hurt him. This sort of device worked well in Hatchet and could serve you well throughout the book if you decided to hold out on telling what the secret is as long as you continue to drop hints along the way.
I’m a little confused about Brian’s relationship with the city of Winona and with Coach Lane. On page one Brian has just driven into Winona from out of town where he lived with his mom. On page one he also says that today will be his first summer league game with the Winona High varsity. On page 20 he says it’s his new team and that Coach Lane emailed Brian back saying he’s excited to meet him. That all made sense to me but later on page twenty Brian says that spotting Coach Lane isn’t hard after all the web-scouring he did on Winona High men’s varsity. I thought I understood that Brian is in a new town and is about to begin playing with a new team and for a new coach he’d never met. I’m also not sure why they’re at Winona State campus.
You’ve done a great job with this story and I think it’s particularly sweet that Brian doesn’t call his mom’s new husband Bob. He is The Bob. It’s more of what the man is rather than who he is. Brian has made the guy’s name into kind of an insult. That’s good character development of both Bob and Brian. At that point it makes me think that Bob did something worse to Brian than just marry his mom. By the time Brain says, “Blow me, shithead” the reader already knows there’s no respect there. Soon you drop enough hints to make us pretty sure that The Bob has something to do with the secret that would hurt his dad.
Loved the reaching stick. I have a genius, inventor bachelor uncle who lived in a trailer house in the mountains for years until his brothers and sister feared for his health enough to move him out. Brian’s dad is so like him.
4) Where do you imagine the story going from here?
I see Brian’s dad understanding Brian better and coming to his games. I see Brian forgiving his mom for what she did and having a better relationship with her. Perhaps Brian’s mom leaves early one day and The Bob wakes up to find a rattle snake in his bed. OK, a devenomed on, just for kicks.
Does the story draw you on? Yes. Does it move with good velocity? Yes.
ReplyDeleteGreat introductory paragraph. You get the readers attention quick and then go into back story. Then you weave right back into the present. That weaving back and forth gave me some important info but also made the present happenings more tense.
For that important first sentence you might consider adding a period after “porch” and beginning a new sentence with “it flicked”. That could make your fine begging pop even more and reduce the amount of info in that first sentence.
Is your protagonist sympathetic? Yes,
You do a great job of making your character’s exterior world relate to his interior world as in, “And I have to wonder: If the Genius can see the wonder in a rattler, why did he never see any wonder in me?” That sentence is also a great hook for YA boys who so often feel that their fathers aren’t all they wish they would be.
What I find particularly appealing about Brian is that even though his dad isn’t involved in Brian’s passions, Brain is involved in his dad’s. I also like that Brian is responsible.
What's working well and what isn't?
It’s appealing that the reason Brian left his mom’s is because of a secret. You’ve given us some clues about what that secret might be but left us wonting to find out more. I also find it appealing that Brian is keeping that secret from his dad because he doesn’t want to hurt him. This sort of device worked well in Hatchet and could serve you well throughout the book if you decided to hold out on telling what the secret is as long as you continue to drop hints along the way.
I’m a little confused about Brian’s relationship with the city of Winona and with Coach Lane. On page one Brian has just driven into Winona from out of town where he lived with his mom. On page one he also says that today will be his first summer league game with the Winona High varsity. On page 20 he says it’s his new team and that Coach Lane emailed Brian back saying he’s excited to meet him. That all made sense to me but later on page twenty Brian says that spotting Coach Lane isn’t hard after all the web-scouring he did on Winona High men’s varsity. I thought I understood that Brian is in a new town and is about to begin playing with a new team and for a new coach he’d never met. I’m also not sure why they’re at Winona State campus.
You’ve done a great job with this story and I think it’s particularly sweet that Brian doesn’t call his mom’s new husband Bob. He is The Bob. It’s more of what the man is rather than who he is. Brian has made the guy’s name into kind of an insult. That’s good character development of both Bob and Brian. At that point it makes me think that Bob did something worse to Brian than just marry his mom. By the time Brain says, “Blow me, shithead” the reader already knows there’s no respect there. Soon you drop enough hints to make us pretty sure that The Bob has something to do with the secret that would hurt his dad.
Loved the reaching stick. I have a genius, inventor bachelor uncle who lived in a trailer house in the mountains for years until his brothers and sister feared for his health enough to move him out. Brian’s dad is so like him.
Where do you imagine the story going from here?
I see Brian’s dad understanding Brian better and coming to his games. I see Brian forgiving his mom for what she did and having a better relationship with her. Perhaps Brian’s mom leaves early one day and The Bob wakes up to find a rattle snake in his bed. OK, a devenomed on, just for kicks.
Does the story draw you on? Yes. Does it move with good velocity? Yes.
ReplyDeleteGreat introductory paragraph. You get the readers attention quick and then go into back story. Then you weave right back into the present. That weaving back and forth gave me some important info but also made the present happenings more tense.
For that important first sentence you might consider adding a period after “porch” and beginning a new sentence with “it flicked”. That could make your fine begging pop even more and reduce the amount of info in that first sentence.
Is your protagonist sympathetic? Yes,
You do a great job of making your character’s exterior world relate to his interior world as in, “And I have to wonder: If the Genius can see the wonder in a rattler, why did he never see any wonder in me?” That sentence is also a great hook for YA boys who so often feel that their fathers aren’t all they wish they would be.
What I find particularly appealing about Brian is that even though his dad isn’t involved in Brian’s passions, Brain is involved in his dad’s. I also like that Brian is responsible.
What's working well and what isn't?
It’s appealing that the reason Brian left his mom’s is because of a secret. You’ve given us some clues about what that secret might be but left us wonting to find out more. I also find it appealing that Brian is keeping that secret from his dad because he doesn’t want to hurt him. This sort of device worked well in Hatchet and could serve you well throughout the book if you decided to hold out on telling what the secret is as long as you continue to drop hints along the way.
I’m a little confused about Brian’s relationship with the city of Winona and with Coach Lane. On page one Brian has just driven into Winona from out of town where he lived with his mom. On page one he also says that today will be his first summer league game with the Winona High varsity. On page 20 he says it’s his new team and that Coach Lane emailed Brian back saying he’s excited to meet him. That all made sense to me but later on page twenty Brian says that spotting Coach Lane isn’t hard after all the web-scouring he did on Winona High men’s varsity. I thought I understood that Brian is in a new town and is about to begin playing with a new team and for a new coach he’d never met. I’m also not sure why they’re at Winona State campus.
You’ve done a great job with this story and I think it’s particularly sweet that Brian doesn’t call his mom’s new husband Bob. He is The Bob. It’s more of what the man is rather than who he is. Brian has made the guy’s name into kind of an insult. That’s good character development of both Bob and Brian. At that point it makes me think that Bob did something worse to Brian than just marry his mom. By the time Brain says, “Blow me, shithead” the reader already knows there’s no respect there. Soon you drop enough hints to make us pretty sure that The Bob has something to do with the secret that would hurt his dad.
Loved the reaching stick. I have a genius, inventor bachelor uncle who lived in a trailer house in the mountains for years until his brothers and sister feared for his health enough to move him out. Brian’s dad is so like him.
Where do you imagine the story going from here?
I see Brian’s dad understanding Brian better and coming to his games. I see Brian forgiving his mom for what she did and having a better relationship with her. Perhaps Brian’s mom leaves early one day and The Bob wakes up to find a rattle snake in his bed. OK, a devenomed on, just for kicks.
Just read one of my posts, guys. I had some technical difficulties.
ReplyDeleteAlan
Thanks, guys--great feedback!
ReplyDeleteI've been adding to RATTLED steadily and hope to have a full draft by the end of the summer.
Bill, I've had a lot of experience with snakes. My dad (about 5% of the basis for the dad character in this story) is a biology prof and is a rattlesnake responder in Winona. My parents are happily married, happily, so I hope I'm imagining well what my character might be going through.
Alan, I don't know what it is about geniuses and trailers--maybe the seclusion?
I don't know about where you guys live, but it's sweltering here in Wisconsin!
PART I
ReplyDeleteFirst off--sorry for the late response.
Second--this is a great opening, Andy. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed it, and hope to read more. Out of curiosity, have you read Rob Thomas’s Rats Saw God? If not, do. It’s excellent, and the relationships in it sort of remind me of Rattled.
I’ll proceed by answering the questions you posed.
1) Yes, Brian is sympathetic. Mostly. Just two things sort of bothered me. First, the nickname Genius. It seems a little over-the-top and harsh throughout chapter one. By calling his dad Genius, he’s just underscoring the fact that he’s NOT a genius, right? I don’t see any reason for him to be so mean to his dad (until the end of the chapter, when his dad turns out to be kind of an a-hole). I’m wondering, if you’re not too attached to “Genius,” can you find a different nickname? Something that’s ironic and jabs a bit at Dad, but in a subtler way. Brian seems too clever to settle on a name like “Genius.” Maybe something to do with snakes? Rats Saw God has a good example. M.C. Steve York calls his dad the “astronaut” in that book. And his dad was (literally) a famous astronaut. But when Steve uses the name, it’s an insult (1. by not calling his father “dad,” and 2. by diminishing his accomplishments by boiling them down into a simple word). Does that make sense? Probably not. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It's (as I said), subtle, but Thomas does a great job of handling it.
The only other time Brian lost me was during the very last sentence that you sent us, when he says “I’m too good.” I don’t necessarily mind a character saying something like this (i.e., the M.C. can be arrogant but still sympathetic), but I felt like it was inconsistent with his voice/tone to that point. Maybe just leave it as “I never need a dad to gain me a coach’s favor.” This underscores the fact that 1) he doesn’t think he needs his dad, and 2) he’s good at basketball. It’s still a bit arrogant, but (again) subtler.
2. The story absolutely draws me in. Especially chapters two and three. They’re tight, and they clip along nicely. And you effortlessly "show" what we need, when we need it.
PART II
ReplyDelete3. Lots and lots and lots of stuff is working. The voice is strong. I love his language and phraseology (balling stuff; fifteen over the limit; Camp chair. That’s right. Reaching stick. That’s right.) And I like the use of the scientific name of the snake (at strategic points for interjection and humor).
Chapter two--I cannot stress this enough--takes my breath away. Seriously. What a perfectly paced chapter. Wonderful. And the secret!? Love how you make us want to know (and then not tell us). And I trust you (and Brian) to tell us when the time is right.
The only thing that pulls me out of the world you’ve created is that Brian just picked up and moved in the middle of the school year and is (the very next day) settled in his new school and team. I know he sent an email to the coach and all, but I don’t buy it. Easy fix, though. Maybe this should be at the semester break, or some such, then the logistics of the move could be explained in a line or two. And would a coach really let him play on varsity without a tryout? Maybe, if Brian has a reputation on the court that precedes him? If so, it just needs to be articulated. And if you've answered these questions in later chapters, ignore what I'm saying here. I'm just letting you know that I expect to know this information at some point (even if it's just a line or two that tells me).
4. Where do I see the story going? Well, I see there being a couple of story lines. You have the father-son deal. Then the mother-son secret (I suspect infidelity?). That secret seems like a really big deal, and I think it will play out in a big way. Then there’s the basketball plot. I see these three lines intersecting (or colliding) in some interesting way in the climax. And the voice, characters, and setup to the story make me want to follow you to that intersection. Great, great opening, Andy. Thanks!
Riley