November Submission...

...has been sent. If you haven't received it, let me know. Also, I forgot to include two things at the beginning of the manuscript. First, this is set in either November 1997 or 1998--I haven't decided which just yet. But that might answer a question or two about Simon's actions. Second, I've been toying with using this epigraph.

[W]hen you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

                                                                               --Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 1886

Any and all other comments are appreciated. Flow. Characterization. Too much detail? Not enough? Mood. Atmosphere. Do you want to keep reading? Thanks thanks thanks!

Detective Extraordinaire

I have sent a new revision of Tramp's second book via email. I have included all the suggestions the team has made and changed the direction a bit. Upon advice from an K-5 teacher extraordinaire, my wife, I  have eliminated reference to shell shock, PTSD etc.


I have added a new character from a previous novel, Corvus the crow, who is helping Moriarity.


Please comment on whether Tramp is still reaching out to the 2nd-5th grade group.


Big vote coming up the 4th of November on whether we will be building a new library. Much on my mind.


In the meantime, writing keeps me challenged and smiling.

Comments for Carolyn

Carolyn,

This is story is just plain cool—the characters are cool (Jack’s way of helping Fiona wash her hair isn’t just a sort of aid to her soul, it’s also just a cool and attentive action to take to help someone out), the concept is cool (a sort of murder mystery that involves ghosts), and the language (both description and dialogue) are cool.

I enjoy how Jack and Fiona banter—they know each other well, they’re intelligent, the accident/murder/ghosts give them a unique point of contact. I like that Fiona reveals that her family is “big on oaths” and that she and her brothers made a blood oath that whoever died first had to come back and haunt the others—and more than that, she’s waiting for them to come and they haven’t yet, and this is shattering for her. Awesome storytelling. There is so much power in this scene—especially in this beat on page 30—that I feel you might be able to make even more of it. After Fiona reveals this info about her frustration that her brothers haven’t returned to her as ghosts, she sobs with her head buried in Jack’s neck. This physical contact seems a little sudden—I almost want to have a greater sense of these two people coming closer, closer, closer together as Fiona builds up to the reveal—to see them coming together with some small actions (Fiona placing a hand on Jack’s or even holding his, or something). And maybe Jack even asks questions that a) show his curiosity and emotional involvement; b) function as the force pushing Fiona to reveal; c) make Fiona a little resistant or hesitant or trepidatious to reveal this family info about being big on ghosts and the info about the blood oath with her brothers. When she mentions the blood oath, I can imagine hearing Jack ask, “Blood oath?” Breaking up that block of dialogue with Jack asking questions and perhaps prodding a little might increase the tension and dramatic power by making the intimacy achieved by Fiona’s reveal even deeper. Does this make sense?

This may relate to your question about the emotional tone of the chapter feeling appropriate. I think the appropriate emotions are present, and now you can modulate them—turn them up or down depending on what benefits the story. Another bit of emotion I picked up on that I really like is Jack’s frustration that he can’t lift as much weight as he used to. The summer after my sophomore year, I trained a lot for basketball—I was playing great, jumping high, running fast. And then I broke my ankle and was in a cast a few weeks (3 or 6? Can’t remember.) When the cast came off, my calf muscles had atrophied, and I was crushed about how the injury had taken away so much of what I’d worked for. Jack’s an athlete, so maybe this frustration with his body could be made more of? Also, it’s compelling that his body’s physical strength has been reduced, resulting perhaps in added challenge to his character.

I haven’t seen Out of Africa (gasp if my ignorance deserves a gasp!) but the reference works for me. Jack says he’s getting the idea for what he’s doing at that moment from the movie Out of Africa, and Fiona says, “Seriously? You’re going to wash my hair?”

I like the idea of Jack querying Fiona about her comment about her family being all about ghosts. He might not reveal to her what he’s experiencing—at least not yet—but he may be seeking some kind of knowledge, some kind of verification that the ghosts he’s experiencing aren’t figments of his guilt or concussion.

I kind of like the Shakespearean stuff. I don’t think it’s too brainiac, and Jack writing a thesis on the ghosts in Hamlet and Macbeth may give him a chance to deal with the reality of ghosts with his intellect. Maybe he discovers that something Shakespeare did with ghosts is eerily close to what Jack himself is experiencing. Or maybe Shakespeare’s ghosts aren’t like what Jack’s experiencing and Jack feels a compulsion in his thesis to take a “that’s not how it is” stance that his teacher might find odd. Or maybe Jack even obsesses over this thesis. There are some fun possibilities to play with here.

Oh, and as far as pathologists—Andrea, Riley’s wife, might be a pathologist, actually. Riley, is Andrea a pathologist?

As I said above, you’re working with cool stuff here, Carolyn—go, go, go!

Have you read Stephen King’s ON WRITING? I was reading through it recently, and King said something wonderful about writing a story being like excavating a fossil—both are processes of discovery. I share that in case it’s enriching or helpful. Somehow I really liked it.

So, excavate, excavate, excavate!

New Schedule

Hello, my fellow WriteFuvians!

Below is the new schedule. Please let me know if you'd like to move up or back etc.

Welcome back, Riley!

Oct. 5th:     Alan

Oct. 26th:    Bill

Nov. 16th:   Riley

Dec. 7th:     Dave

Jan. 11th:    Carolyn

Feb. 1st:      Andy

Re-imagining HOODIE

Hi everyone,

Attached is a section from my YA novel HOODIE. I rewrote HOODIE--which was my creative thesis--and my agent submitted it. An editor has expressed interest but wants to see the story be bigger, perhaps with the character of Mr. Vanders becoming the true antagonist.

So, I'm going to rewrite HOODIE by making this the plot: Nate (the main character) forms a plan with his ex-best friend, Eric Vanders, to murder Mr. Vanders, Eric's abusive father. Nate's prime motivation will be revenge for his friend, but he also wants revenge for Mr. Vanders ruining his chances at going to college (Nate, as you'll see, has a passion for making comics, and he's found a school that will let him do that in his major).

This new "take" will result in a much darker story than the story you'll glimpse in the section I've attached. This dark "re-imagining" of the story will be major and tough, but I'm going to swing for the fence. 

Here are the 2 things I'd like the help of your brilliance with:

1) How will darkening the story in the way I've described alter elements of the story--particularly characters and their relationships. How, for example, might Nate's relationship with Craig, his current best friend, change? I imagine Nate will get secretive, but what else might happen? I guess I'm open to whatever possibilities you brainstorm.

2) Please give me a homework assignment. Seriously. Something you really think that would help me write this story. 

Thank you very much, brilliant writers of WriteFu!

I am sending the first 4 chapters of "The Stranger," the second mystery in the T.K. & Associates series. This is actually a re-writing of what I originally submitted in April, 2012. I went back to the comments from Riley, Andy and Alan, then rewrote after reviewing in depth what they had to say.

Their comments + Mary K's comments gave me exactly what I was looking for.

Please review and let me know what you think of these chapters as a stand alone chapter book.  Do they work for kids that haven't read Tramp 1?

Will send the manuscript in a separate email.

Thanks to all for being the best writer's group on this earth.

Sludge June

Here's another installment of Sludge. There are some name changes. Mr. Rogers is now Dr. Bradshaw, Glade is Sludge, Glade's friend Rob is not Hammer and Sludge's nemesis on the fistball field is now Lora instead of Dora.

Any and all comments are appreciated. What works and how can it be made more engaging to middle-grade readers.

Thanks