I have sent a new revision of Tramp's second book via email. I have included all the suggestions the team has made and changed the direction a bit. Upon advice from an K-5 teacher extraordinaire, my wife, I have eliminated reference to shell shock, PTSD etc.
I have added a new character from a previous novel, Corvus the crow, who is helping Moriarity.
Please comment on whether Tramp is still reaching out to the 2nd-5th grade group.
Big vote coming up the 4th of November on whether we will be building a new library. Much on my mind.
In the meantime, writing keeps me challenged and smiling.
Writing that kicks your ass
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Thanks for sharing this, Bill!
ReplyDeleteI like the prologue with its mythic air. I like the cast of characters. And I like that chapter one begins with the animals doing something and that pertinent background info is provided around that action. I want something to be happening right away in this type of story, and I’m happy that’s the case here.
I also like that we get at the heart of this story right away in the first chapter—that we start teasing out what this installment of Tramp’s saga will be about: the search for his family. It’s important, I think, in a book series, to understand early and concretely what a particular episode is about. From here, it will be a matter of seeing how the search for Tramp’s family ties into the dog-napping. I have my suspicions :).
You really do a good job of getting it all out on the page (and leaving questions for yourself to answer in the margins). Keep doing that until you get the whole story out! When it comes time to revise, you can smooth out the exposition. There are places now where explanations and background information are layered pretty thick—I’ve noted some in comments on the manuscript I’ll send you—and that’s totally fine. But in the final story, details should be woven subtly into the novel so we never feel like characters are just dumping information for our benefit. But again—that’s for later. Not for this draft!
Finally, this definitely still connects with that 2-5 grade age group. In fact, when reading Tramp, I'm often pleasantly reminded of Ginger Pye--a classic for that same group. They're different, of course, but they have a similar vibe. Have you read The Year of Billy Miller yet? No pets or mystery or fantasy elements in that one, but I think it's an excellent example of a great contemporary book for this age group (and it has a wonderful voice).
Awesome work, Bill! I’m excited to read more of this new adventure of Tramp’s!
Riley
P.S. How did the library vote turn out!?
It's fun watching you work on Tramp's second caper, Bill!
ReplyDeleteI echo Riley's comment about the story picking up immediately. I love how it starts with the animal characters spreading out through the neighborhood, spreading the word about T.K. & Associates.
I also echo Riley's comments about how this story would really connect the 2nd- to 5th-graders. One of many reasons why it would connect with this group is how well it portrays neighborhood. Kids of this age, I think, have a very keen sense of neighborhood (at least I think I did). This neighborhood is made vivid through its cast of characters (not just pets, but also the officer and even Moriarity) and its features (street names, the park) and the goings-ons, which Tramp, a detective through and through, is very observant of (on page 14, as he sits on the front steps and observes, we get the sense that he's always alert, always filing away what he sees--he counts the kinds of vehicles that pass, etc.). (By the way, I'm reading Vince Vawter's PAPERBOY right now, and it also has a strong sense of neighborhood.) I think that the sense of neighborhood and the cast of animal characters are why I gobble this story up now just as I would have as a kid.
Last time I read this piece, I remember feeling that I could tell you were still feeling out what to do with Moriarity. Reading this draft, I get the sense that you're handling Moriarity with more sureness and intention. And though you don't reveal to the reader yet with 100% certainty whether Moriarity is "good" or "bad," I do have the sense that you the author are going to time that revelation well and perhaps use the uncertainty as an excitement-generator. Tramp does seem pretty certain that Moriarity is good and I find myself trusting Tramp's judgment, but Colin does seem uncertain, too, so I can't be absolutely sure, and I like that. My take right now is that Moriarity is misunderstood, perhaps ignored, but Tramp is observant and sees the pain and goodness in Moriarity.
Was Corvus in the previous draft? I can't remember. I do like him in this draft. Giving Moriarity this animal friend seems apt for a man who's potentially alienated from other people for some very heart-wrenching reasons, and the animal friend then also serves as a character Moriarity has interacted with and who knows Moriarity. Also, is Corvus the crow the same character from a novel you worked on during Hamline? And I like how he seems to be a helper character here.
I like how Colin is a little hesitant to agree to letting Moriarity and Corvus join T.K. & Associates. Both Tramp and Colin are intelligent and good-hearted, so having a little conflict between them as the story moves forward may serve as a little something to add the excitement of the case and perhaps sustain some tension when Tramp and Colin are the only ones on the stage.
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteRight now I have just a few questions about minor "spot developments."
On page 5, I might like some deft, vivid descriptions about how the animals handle the cards. Maybe Pauly picks them out of his neck bag with his beak? Maybe lip drops each card and nudges it beneath the door with his nose?
On page 7, during the description of the dream, could there be more vivid details showing how the humans "discovered that the dogs were related"? Maybe the humans take some specific actions or speak some dialogue that leads them to making the discovery?
On page 10, I was thinking that the line "'She's gone, I couldn't stop them,' she cried" could perhaps be cut. Harriet has just at down in the middle of Parkway and is gasping for breath--those two actions and the movie playing in my mind have enough emotional power that I don't think she needs to speak. I know she couldn't step them. Maybe she just says, "Phoebe!"? I love that Tramp helps Harriet, by the way. Maybe even make more of his helpfulness by having him take some helpful action after the line "She was really crying now," on page 12. Harriet has quite a bit of dialogue on this page, and some little action of comfort on Tramp's behalf would be a nice touch, I think, and might keep the protagonist "in the leading role." I also wondered if Harriet might check Tramp's tags, just to see who he is.
Oh, and have I already asked if you've read any of The Buddy Files by Dori Hillestad Butler? The main character is a doggy detective. I don't think the stories as layered as Tramp's but they may be interesting to read to get ideas for writing about canine sleuths!
Thank you for sharing, Bill!
P.S. I'd also like to know how the library vote turned out!
Bill,
ReplyDeleteI can tell you put a lot of thought into that first paragraph and it paid off. It says so much and in far fewer words than last time. It’s also much clearer.
Paragraph two continues to draw me in with no wasted words.
One of the greatest strengths of this piece is how it speaks to motivation. The following paragraph describes wonderfully why Tramp is so keen to solve mysteries. It isn’t just because he enjoys it and is good at. It’s personal:
“Tramp knew these dreams wouldn’t come true. They were just wishes. His real job was digging up the truth. But maybe, just maybe, solving other animals’ problems would help him find his family and save other animals from feeling that awful pain. Maybe that was why he worked so hard at solving mysteries.”
I also love that Detective Johnson’s motivation to solve crimes parallels Tramps. It’s something personal they share that strengthens the bond between them.
You’ve done a great job addressing the comments made by the group last go around. I agree with Riley that this piece could use a little general tightening but I don’t have much to add to Riley’s and Andy’s comments. Specific areas I think could be tightened include the way each animal delivers the cards, and where the woman is talking to Tramp right after her dog was stolen.
At the bottom of page 15 and top of page 16 Tramp has a short conversation with Moriarity but then at the bottom of page 16 Tramps is surprised that Moriarity can understand him when Corvus tells Tramp to ask Moriarity his question.
I like how you keep us guessing with Moriarity. His name suggests a person of nefarious nature but he seems kind and understands Tramp. Humans don’t quite trust him but he could just be misunderstood. Tramp trusts him and he’s an excellent judge of character. Then there’s the crow. What an excellent companion for Moriarity. By many civilizations the crow has been considered an omen for both good and ill. That helps to keep us guessing. Moriarty is such an interesting character surrounded by uncertainty. Could he be Tramp’s most intriguing ally? Or will he be Tramps most worthy adversary? Can he be both?
I enjoyed reading.
Alan
Once had a creative writing instructor say that inspiration is 90% sitting down with a pen. The other 10% must be working with the Write Fu team.
ReplyDeleteBill, you've now included upfront reminders about who Rodney and Mrs. Oliver are. This helps ground me in the story as we launch into what appears to be another suspense-filled animal-napping caper.
ReplyDeleteI do still wonder why secrecy and stealth is so important for the distribution of the TK and Associates cards. I mean, I have my ideas about that, but I guess I'd still like to have someone briefly tell us why.
I continue to enjoy the psychic link that Tramp has with those who understand him. For me, this is one of the great things that make this such a great 2nd or 3rd grader series. Of course that’s why we were able to speak with our toys and pets at that age – we had that special insider connection, that secret bond. Every kid understands this and yearns for this.
There’s a new girl in town! Phoebe is new to the neighborhood and apparently the same breed as Tramp. And Tramp is on a mission to save her. Is love in the air?
This is a story about loss – Moriarity is grieving, and Phoebe is gone, meanwhile Tramp is separated from his family. Yet they are creating their own family.
The themes of this story, loss and family, come through so powerfully. Moriarity is grieving a mysterious separation from a love, Tramp longs to find his family, the plot itself is about a loved one being forcefully taken away. And how does Tramp and the team cope with all this loss of family that is beyond their control? By creating their own family. By finding strength in their togetherness and using that to fight against the forces of that would seek to fracture and separate.
You are a seeker of truth, Bill, just like Tramp. Keep up the great work.
Bill, this Tramp installment is so poignant - so many threads of loss, for Tramp, for Officer Johnson, for Moriarty. With many mystery series the main character has a backstory that is resolved in the third book - it's kind of a convention of the genre, to do that in the third book. I have no idea why they wait until the third book. I think it's very powerful to do this in the second book as you appear to be doing here.
ReplyDeleteI've told you that my niece LOVED the first Tramp book. She does love animals in general, but I wonder if one reason is that she herself is adopted and so the story of a young animal torn from his birth family, having to find his way with a new family, resonates very deeply with her. (She's from China, was given up at birth; did some acting out as she approached her 4th birthday and saw an adoption therapist for a while. Went into full nuclear meltdown a day or so after her 4th birthday - "almost to the hour the 4th anniversary of when she would have been left at the orphanage," my sister said. My sister just hung onto her through the whole thing, and then it was done, and she was fine.) If so, I bet she'll love this story even more than the first.
I echo all the complimentary comments made earlier. I assume Phoebe is Tramp's sister, not a love interest? Because in the character listing you include Tramp's first human family...
So many lovely examples of Tramp's dog's-eye view: the smell of Harriet's blanket, "License plate 250458 was going 40 mph in a 30 mph zone," "a cough came from #4, could be a cold..."
I'm sending you (FINALLY!) a line-edited version, but just want to point out a couple of things:
On page 8, the paragraph "Tramp knew these dreams wouldn't come true. He would never find his family..." This paragraph is a little murky, about whether he truly dreams of finding his lost family or doesn't. Earlier you said looking for his family was his calling in life. So is it or isn't it? Need some clarity in the ambiguity. Maybe his head tells him he'll never find them but his heart just can't give up the dream?
On page 6, "The Associates were under the care of the local vet's mother..." I assume you mean all the Associates with the exception of Tramp? So, Buster, Pauly, Calico, Flip, Suzette and the Angel-Mouse Chorus? And does "under the care of" mean "living with?" (Under the care of a doctor wouldn't mean living with the doctor.)
On page 15, Moriarty is dressed exactly the same way as the man in Tramp's dream. Is this significant?
On page 16, Moriarty understands Tramp's speech right away. I wonder if it's worth calling attention to how quickly this happened. It doesn't always happen so fast, does it?
On page 17, Corvus and Tramp are talking about Moriarty for awhile while Moriarty is sitting or standing right there - and eventually Moriarty chimes in, indicating he's been listening all along. It seems a little awkward - maybe M could comment just once earlier, to make it clear he's part of the conversation the whole time?
I have the same question others have raised about the Associates' need to distribute the cards while humans are still asleep. I assume this is because their clients are to be animals, not humans, and they assume that if humans see dogs and cats and birds dropping cards through their mail slots and on their doormats, the humans will just throw them away. But it does need to be explained.
I just now Googled "Moriarity" and find it can be spelled that way, or without the second "i". I've always thought it only had the one "i". apologize for misspelling it throughout these comments. In the future I will spell it the way you prefer.