...has been sent. If you haven't received it, let me know. Also, I forgot to include two things at the beginning of the manuscript. First, this is set in either November 1997 or 1998--I haven't decided which just yet. But that might answer a question or two about Simon's actions. Second, I've been toying with using this epigraph.
[W]hen you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
--Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 1886
Any and all other comments are appreciated. Flow. Characterization. Too much detail? Not enough? Mood. Atmosphere. Do you want to keep reading? Thanks thanks thanks!
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, November 16, 2014
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Riley,
ReplyDeleteI am walking around the dining room reading this out loud. I wonder if this is what a director does as he decides whether to use a best selling YA novel as his next movie. I would cast Christopher Walken as the bony character. Haven't decided about the protagonist.
First chapter, first thought:
"Gotta find out" as I read the exquisite descriptions.
"The damp cold is setting in, frosting morning grass and sometimes flurrying light, cold rain."
"...and the wish disperses in the vapor of the last breath I let out before I put my hand to the frigid knob and yank open the door."
"Furiosity" sets a new tone, never before seen, or read. "
I am filled with questions and want 2-9 to magically appear.
I am nervous entering the RV. The dead animal stink, the neatly arranged candles, the Swiss Army Knife, "But this almost looks black. Or brown, Or..."Red." Suddenly, a cadaver appears, Christopher Walken" and I want out of this story. OK, I want to see the movie. The physical details and movement between the two characters is as clear as a scene can be photographed.
In this case, the pen is the camera. Well done!!
Love the quote, "[W]hen you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
Riley,
ReplyDeleteAs Bill says, "In this case, the pen is the camera." Not only do I simply love the vivid sensory details, I also enjoy how you move the reader through them, up to the Winnebago, into the Winnebago, to the protag's knife (such a well-planted detail), and on to the confrontation. You also do a wonderful job of moving us through along with the flow of the protag's experience--as in the moments Bill describes above, when the protag realizes the red-ness of the stains beneath him. And how chilling/spellbinding are the moments when Simon (I'm thinking that's still the protag's name!) flips the mattress over and when he feels the chill from the now-open door and looks back to see this man tinged with the monstrous standing in the doorway? Such fun reading!
Mood and atmosphere are wonderful--chilling (figuratively and literally--physical setting is so well described), creepy, suspenseful, seclusion, alone-ness, trapped-ness.
In fact, you're writing about this story world and these characters so vividly, with such authority, that my best advice is to just keep going, man. Keep playing with scene cuts and time--and keep kicking out the scenes, too.
My one question for exploration does have to do with scene cuts: Could this piece you've given us this time around function as a Chapter One? Ending the first chapter with the protag dealing with an unconscious man/perhaps monster is a pretty awesome place to make the first cut! But that's just a minor question for later exploration and play. As a reader, what I'm most is MORE!!! In my opinion, any reader who reads what you've given us and doesn't insist on MORE! has some serious issues.
Also, Riley, a pure and simple "thank you" for giving me something magical to read. I tell you, I'm so exhausted from teaching at this point in this semester that I usually can read for barely a few minutes before my mind wanders. But reading your storytelling has been pure pleasure--and it's the best motivation there is for me to keep plowing through grading to get to winter break! Again, thank you!
Oh, and I also have to say that I love the style and voice. I love the sentence on page ten that begins "Takes me four moves to get the Civic turned around..." Cutting out the "it" helps convey the all-alarms tension of this moment, and it feels the way a teen would talk/think. The voice is consistently awesome throughout.
I'm curious - how does the date November 1997 or 1998 illuminate Simon's actions?
ReplyDeleteOkay. In sum, WOW, JUST WOW. So much foreboding and mystery and chill. Here are some of the lines I just loved for their pure gorgeousness:
He'd clickety-clack on his typewriter...
A musky fortress of dense red pines...
I disregard the well-being of my Civic's suspension and bump down the two-and-a-half-mile double divot road to this little clearing in the woods. What's brilliant there is that it's not a two-mile road. The extra "and-a-half-mile" bumps us a long and makes us pity the Civic's suspension all the more.
The seemingly forever green Central P-A (yes, exactly how we say it out here in the Mid-Atlantic) is finally losing its battle to brown....The damp cold is setting in, frosting morning grass and sometimes flurrying light, cold rain.
I realize a fit of the aforementioned flurry-rain has commenced, speckling my windshield and pooling light from my headlamps into an eerie glow around the camper.
I could go on but I'll just end with "ka-wump, ka-wump." Bravo!
So - questions, comments.
1. The clackety clack of the typewriter - his father used a manual typewriter. You're implying a certain place in time, or was it an old typewriter he used out in the woods because no need for electricity?
2. I feel that you've told me that Simon cares for Ingrid romantically, but Mark and Ingrid are a couple. You haven't said this explicitly yet I feel certain of it. I wonder if this is an important element of the story or simply the usual tragedy of young misdirected love.
3. Bottom of page one - sentence "I'll sit on the stump where Dad used to sit..." -- it's unclear who used the desk to edit scripts or story board, Dad or Simon.
4. The Mystery of What Happened Last Night with Mom????
5. The Mystery of the Winnebago? He has been in the Winnebago before he finds it in the woods, because in Chapter 10 he comments that it has been cleaned up. When was he in it? Who is stalking him? Is the Creepy Guy the driver of the Winnebago? Whose blood is it? Where is the person who lost all that blood?
6. The Swiss Army knife - "my sudden luck" - implies that Simon's losing the knife was really BAD luck. Why is this? Why would it be so bad for him to lose the knife? DID HE KILL SOMEONE WITH IT????
7. p. 8 - "He lowers his hand and his face squishes into concerned uncertainty." You writing is so gorgeous and precise and I don't think "concerned uncertainty" is the phrase you want. I don't know what the right phrase is but I don't think that's it and I think that's an important one to get right. The whole camper scene is, BTW, spectacularly creepy.
8. WHY DOESN'T SIMON WANT TO CALL THE POLICE???????
To paraphrase Oliver Twist, "Can I have some more, please?" PLEASE?
Thanks for the feedback! Your questions and comments are exactly the sort I hope a reader will think and wonder about as she reads. And I also now know what elements and phrasing I should clarify! I would address some of your questions directly, but for many of them, they're precisely the type I want to remain unanswered for now (i.e. you're not supposed to know yet!). I will address the late nineties setting, though. For one, this was an era when most teens did NOT have cell phones. Had SImon had a phone with him, he might have called the police before he had a chance to think about it. But as it is, he has time to analyze and over analyze (as is his nature) the situation, and makes the call NOT to call (for better or for worse). And internet access was not as readily available (or fast)--that will come into play later. Plus VHS was on its way out (Simon has a film making hobby and works at a video store). That's all I'll give you until next time. But thank you, thank you, thank you for reading and for your observations!
ReplyDeleteRi
Riley,
ReplyDeleteBravo.
I council you against making much change to these chapters. Since I don’t have any good advice to give you about how to make it better I will just tell you how I experienced the story.
Yes, the chapters are engaging. I didn’t find myself laughing, but YES these chapters are tense and scary. Chapter 10 kept me on the edge of my seat. I echo Andy’s comments about how you got that effect through your fine use of sensory details to create some pretty chilling mood and atmosphere.
The information you give is deftly woven in without giving too much away. It gives me enough but leaves me wanting more. This chapter 1 flows well into this chapter 10. They seem to belong together to me.
Two delicious questions that are still burning in me are, first: What is up with this hairless guy? It’s not just the blood. He is just so unusual. He’s so nonthreatening, yet terribly freaking threatening. The second question is what you set us up so well to question. What in the heck led up to the Winnebago being there? I want to know and I’ll keep reading to find out.
By the way, I have an old 1984 Winnebago. It guzzles gas and the wind whistling through its windows makes it sounds like a hurricane when I drive it on the freeway. It has become more of a guest room than anything else. I’ve always thought of it as a friendly old hunk of junk. But the next time I go in it I’ll take my Swiss army knife, and a buddy.
Riley, as usual I am late to the party. I just can't seem to stay on top of non-work stuff these days. Your writing has always motivated me to get my butt back in the chair, and this piece is no exception. You have always been the master of immersive details and suspense building settings. I think this opening works so well as a tone setter and especially for all the background and characterization it gives Simon. It is instantly poignant that he keeps going to this forsaken place that he feels ownership of because of his dad. And it's an instant, delicious mystery that he shouldn't be going to this place - because we don't know why. What happened here? What happened to his dad?
ReplyDeleteYou have such cinematic clarity, as others have said, that it feels like we're watching the movie as well as reading the book. Which is deliberate and in keeping with Simon's character. His POV is kind of like that he IS in a movie.
My suggestion is small but could be useful to heighten the impact of the chapter ten scene. The tone of it is clearly a horror movie/slasher scene. I love how horrific it is with the discovery of blood and when he flips over the mattress. Then the sudden cold and we see Thomas (I'm assuming it's Thomas) in the doorway. Simon seems to be able to name the feelings on Thomas' face. What if he couldn't tell what expression Thomas was making? What if we were completely in the dark about Thomas' feelings/intentions? The cold eyes remain just that, and like a horror show the tension keeps building to an unbearable point. No uncertainty from Thomas. Just him approaching and rasping, and then suddenly, "Help, please." Simon and us together are surprised, slightly disoriented and thrown powerfully into a terrifying, life-changing story/quest at that moment.
By the way, also, I love Alan's detail about his winebago - "the wind whistling through its windows makes it sounds like a hurricane." Maybe you could use that somewhere!
Thank you for this Riley. It was such a true pleasure to go back to Simon's world. I'm looking forward to returning again!