I did a substantial rewrite of the first 20 pages of Sludge. I tried to incorporate the suggestions of author Dave Farland. I shortened the time before the fistball game. The biggest criticism I got was that I tortured Sludge too much. I took out the grizzly-dogs, maybe to bring in later. I also toned down the electrocution scene. I was told that it was too violent for middle-grade. I also changed Sludge's age to 14 from 12 to get away with the milder violence I still have. I still want to hit the MG audience but I also hope this will be a crossover with young YA. I've been told that publishers don't like the term upper middle-grade. I'll be emailing the 20 pages soon. Please tell me what your inner middle grade tells you. This might be a tough questions since you've already read it and might be sick of it, but does it keep your interest? Does it seem too violent for 10-12-year-olds? Will kids from the 13-16 year old crowd go for it? All other comments are very welcome.
Thanks a million,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Alan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the new opening to Sludge! I've read the opening a few times now, and so far I like this version the best! It feels like the most "forward flowing" version, maybe because we do get to the fistball game quicker, and the humor and the emotional lines are still there. I like that new detail of the SOS showing on the monitor--as if a part of Sludge himself is trying to warn him, to communicate with him. That's awesome. Also, if the rest of the story is similar to what I remember, with a sort of lost part of Sludge's self getting in touch with Sludge, I wonder if a sort of "inner magic vs. science-run amok" conflict is starting to happen here. Very cool.
I do like "aging the story up" a little to 14. That works for me. The 14-year-old protagonist firmly puts this is in the YA category, and I'm thinking that a 12-to-14-year-old me would have gobbled this up (a younger me would have, too--probably even 10-year-old Andy). The violence level would have been okay for me at that age, too. There are two things in this story that lessen the impact of the violence for the young reader--1) the humor, and 2) the sense that Sludge has somehow been physically enhanced so that he can endure far more pain than a normal human could. How you handle these 2 ingredients may help you make the violence palatable for your specific intended audience. Perhaps establishing Sludge's superhuman-ness more quickly will make the violence that follows more palatable? And maybe a little more funny, too, though there would still be a sense that the torture could go awry? Maybe it's funny till it almost does go awry? I think you can play with these elements the way you can turn the nobs on a car stereo to play with the volume, bass, treble. In any event, I think you've got the right ingredients here (to shift back to the cooking metaphor!), and playing with them may help you find that chord you want to strike (to return to the music metaphor!).
Also, I think that "aging the story up" may allow for a different, slightly more mature dynamic between Sludge and Lora--not much, of course, but just a little.
One thing I thought could perhaps be played with is the feeling that Sludge's memory is spotty when he wakes up here in the opening. Some things he can't recall at all while others he can. Some of these things seem like memories or knowledge that have been programmed out of him--like who he is, where he's from, what's beyond the walls of this facility. Other things seem to be memories/knowledge that he lost, perhaps temporarily, from the injury he's recently had on the fistball court. These include what fistball is. Perhaps play with how memories return to him? Perhaps increase that odd feeling one gets when a memory returns? In the commented-on version I emailed you, I point out a few places where I wondered if maybe Sludge's feeling of remembering could be played with.
I have to say, it's been fun--and enlightening--to watch you develop this story, Alan! You keep trying different things, and the story keeps morphing into something even more better made. Very cool. Watching you take this story through process helps me learn how to take my story through process--and gives me faith that taking a story through process will continue to help the story improve. This is such an awesome thing.
Oh, and Andy of any age digs grizzly dogs! Maybe they come into the story later--and that's okay--but please keep them!!! (Of course, don't if it doesn't serve the story, I guess. But still! I'll miss them, man!)
Finally chiming in here... please don't get rid of the grizzly dogs. Personally, I preferred them to the ninjas, if you have to choose.
ReplyDeleteThat age question - hanging right there between middle grade and YA - that's so hard. I went back and forth and back and forth on that with my first (and still unagented, unsold) novel. Finally decided on 13, 8th grade, middle grade/middle school, "tween" and screw you if you don't like it.
Sludge feels a little older than 12 to me. I also agree with Alan about the greater potential for slight flirtation with Lora if he's older. FYI, at a conference I asked an editor what her max age for an MG protag was and she said "13." I asked if light romance was okay, e.g. handholding, and she said yes, even a kiss was okay. FWIW.
I just love Sludge's voice/attitude in general, but here are some specific things I loved this time around:
1. Bacon
2. The flat line sending morse code messages - LOVE LOVE LOVE
3. "You're using the power of bacon for evil."
4. The different colors of sludge
5. The surreal perfection of the fist ball stadium.
6. "The six thousand seats in the stands looked back at me like hungry mouths waiting to chomp the backsides of thousands of fans."
7. Dr. Bradshaw waving a big foam "number one" hand
8. Trashcan
9. Evil Queen of the Dark Abyss
My only quibble with these chapters is the flatline. I feel like Sludge ought to sense that he's lost something with a quarter of his brain going flat, but he doesn't seem to, and he sounds just the same after as he did before. Losing brain function - losing parts of himself - should be what raises the stakes for him.
We're two chapters in and we still don't know what Sludge yearns for. We know what he doesn't like but we don't know what he yearns for. The flatline signals "Free us" to him, and he tells us why he won't try to escape. IMHO the yearning to escape, the knowledge of the ticking clock, the understanding that he loses something vital with each flatline, need to come sooner.