I will post the next pages of Tramp on the 24th. I was distracted by the new Sherlock on PPS tonight and you all know he is Tramp's favorite detective.
In this version of Tramp you have tightened things up and still kept the best of the story making those things pop all the more. You’ve also made some things that I understood before even more clear. You’re doing well developing character and story to keep me interested. You continued to keep me interested with an excellent hook at the end of chapter one, “The answer came the next morning.” Planting questions like that is a huge part of what keeps readers reading.
You asked if you’re giving anything away too soon. I still think Mrs. Patterson gives too much info. to Tramp when they meet in the street after Phoebe’s kidnapping. Maybe you could build up more to Tramp believing it’s his sister. He could begin by getting some info. then wondering, then as he considers the clues more begin to hope and put more pieces together until he believes it’s his sister. This is such a hot spot I think you could hit it harder and make a bigger deal about his discovery of this kidnapee being his sister because it’s huge. Finding family has been his greatest desire for many moons. It has shaped his life and made him the detective it is. That’s all there but I think you could hit it a bit harder.
You’re doing a lot right with this story and I can see why kids like to read it. Tramp is a winner. Keep it up.
You're spinning another fun, compelling canine history!
I don't know why, but I feel like listing! First list: Compelling storylines.
One is Phoebe's storyline. Towards the end of this piece, we're with Phoebe. She's the one that Tramp is chasing, and I like that she's on the move because that makes her a) proactive; and b) harder for Tramp to find. I also wonder, might Mr. Apollo also try to find her after she has escaped? If Tramp were vying with Mr. Apollo to find Phoebe, then the tension might skyrocket--there'd be a ticking clock (Tramp has to find Phoebe before Mr. Apollo does). And a good ticking clock always generates excitement! I want to know where Phoebe goes after this, and I want to know what clues she'll leave behind (wittingly or otherwise) that Tramp will find later to track her.
I'm also compelled by the storyline of Officer Johnson making an effort to create an animal unit for the police department. Perhaps this possibility could be introduced as a "stakes raiser." In other words, if Tramp can find Phoebe, he may not only reunite himself with his sister, but he could also achieve the notoriety he'd need for Officer Johnson to make him and maybe some of the associates members of the force.
Also, it seems that the animals rescued from the last case might be given away to homes once that court case is wrapped up? I was wondering, would that strain--or even put an end to--TK and Associates? I've noticed that a trope in PI stories seems to be that the PI is struggling to stay in business. Maybe that's the case here, but the trope here comes in a new form since we've got a new kind of PI in Tramp?
I'm also really, really compelled by Corvus and the crows. Is it me, or do I sense some possible tension between the crows and the Associates, and perhaps between crows and humans? Corvus seems pretty clearly to be an ally to Tramp, but I wonder about the other crows. I do wonder what their motivation for helping the investigation is. Are they helping because they're helping their fellow animals? I don't know if this would be a possibility, but it may be fun to play with something else that sometimes happens in PI stories--the PI having to work with people he/she doesn't trust, is sometimes opposed to, or has a different value system than. Sometimes the PI has to depend on ex-cons, or cops they don't like, or even rival PIs.
I think Tramp is his most impressive when he's using his detective skills to solve problems. I really like the passage when he explains how he deduced from certain clues exactly how Phoebe escaped. Tramp was very Holmes-ian in that passage. Perhaps some questions to help continue developing the story would be "How does Tramp use his detective skills to solve this particular problem?" and "What clues can I plant for Tramp to find?"
Mr. Apollo seems to be the primary antagonist here. I wonder if it may help to explore his motivation, or maybe his "story." It may be interesting to make a timeline of what Mr. Apollo's doing the entire story, even when he's not appearing in the story. What's he doing, and what clues might he be leaving around? Does he ever figure out that Tramp's on his case?
Oh, to return to my list of compelling storylines, I can't forget to mention the most compelling of all--Tramp trying to find his sister! I agree with Alan--this storyline is huge. It has high stakes. It matters. It makes this a case that is far more important than the ordinary case. The more the case challenges Tramp's detecting skills, the greater his triumph when he finally finds her! (He better find her, Bill!)
Bill, thank you for sharing, and keep up the good work! I think it's really cool that you're working on a series here--that you've got a main character so good that you can spin another tale with him. Keep it up!
I love the addition of Grey, and her distinctive traits as a downtown cat, and Tramp's knowledge of these traits. Why would he know this? I agree with Andy's comment about Corvus and the crows - it would be really interesting if their bird's eye view on the world gives them a somewhat different set of values or priorities. Fun to watch Tramp figure this out in this or future mysteries.
I also agree with Andy's comment about setting up the ticking clock - so we have Tramp seeking Phoebe, and Apollo seeking Phoebe, and now Phoebe's with the Lemon Grass Lady who MIGHT take her to MACC the way she did the first time or MIGHT do something completely different. You could show her considering her options. Now that's tension!
Some details - on page 71 - Phoebe was taken to MACC, and she reacts negatively to the act of being taken, but she doesn't tell us anything about her experience of being at MACC.
And on p. 64, Tramp asks Grey about the last time she saw Phoebe - this question is never answered, and I can't believe Tramp would let it go.
On p. 67, the octahedron structure in the Obermeyers' back yard - "the girls in the neighborhood used one cube as a play kitchen, the boys timed themselves crawling to the top and back down to the yard." REALLY, BILL??? And do the girls wear twin sets and pearls and high heels while they vacuum, too? C'mon, this isn't the 1950s. Let the girls climb too.
Still p. 67 - Aspen asks what his humans think, and Kristen answers. This implies that Kristen is an Obermeyer. Is she? The Obermeyers are Aspen's humans, and they should answer the question
p. 68 - Phoebe's tracking to Lake of the Isles by the smell of geese and carp. I know she would hit Isles first coming from downtown. But Calhoun and Harriet have geese, too - so if she wound up in a different part of south Minneapolis that could create an interesting problem for her.
Can't wait to see what Lemon Grass Lady does with Phoebe!!!
Bill,
ReplyDeleteIn this version of Tramp you have tightened things up and still kept the best of the story making those things pop all the more. You’ve also made some things that I understood before even more clear. You’re doing well developing character and story to keep me interested. You continued to keep me interested with an excellent hook at the end of chapter one, “The answer came the next morning.” Planting questions like that is a huge part of what keeps readers reading.
You asked if you’re giving anything away too soon. I still think Mrs. Patterson gives too much info. to Tramp when they meet in the street after Phoebe’s kidnapping. Maybe you could build up more to Tramp believing it’s his sister. He could begin by getting some info. then wondering, then as he considers the clues more begin to hope and put more pieces together until he believes it’s his sister. This is such a hot spot I think you could hit it harder and make a bigger deal about his discovery of this kidnapee being his sister because it’s huge. Finding family has been his greatest desire for many moons. It has shaped his life and made him the detective it is. That’s all there but I think you could hit it a bit harder.
You’re doing a lot right with this story and I can see why kids like to read it. Tramp is a winner. Keep it up.
Alan
Bill,
ReplyDeleteYou're spinning another fun, compelling canine history!
I don't know why, but I feel like listing! First list: Compelling storylines.
One is Phoebe's storyline. Towards the end of this piece, we're with Phoebe. She's the one that Tramp is chasing, and I like that she's on the move because that makes her a) proactive; and b) harder for Tramp to find. I also wonder, might Mr. Apollo also try to find her after she has escaped? If Tramp were vying with Mr. Apollo to find Phoebe, then the tension might skyrocket--there'd be a ticking clock (Tramp has to find Phoebe before Mr. Apollo does). And a good ticking clock always generates excitement! I want to know where Phoebe goes after this, and I want to know what clues she'll leave behind (wittingly or otherwise) that Tramp will find later to track her.
I'm also compelled by the storyline of Officer Johnson making an effort to create an animal unit for the police department. Perhaps this possibility could be introduced as a "stakes raiser." In other words, if Tramp can find Phoebe, he may not only reunite himself with his sister, but he could also achieve the notoriety he'd need for Officer Johnson to make him and maybe some of the associates members of the force.
Also, it seems that the animals rescued from the last case might be given away to homes once that court case is wrapped up? I was wondering, would that strain--or even put an end to--TK and Associates? I've noticed that a trope in PI stories seems to be that the PI is struggling to stay in business. Maybe that's the case here, but the trope here comes in a new form since we've got a new kind of PI in Tramp?
I'm also really, really compelled by Corvus and the crows. Is it me, or do I sense some possible tension between the crows and the Associates, and perhaps between crows and humans? Corvus seems pretty clearly to be an ally to Tramp, but I wonder about the other crows. I do wonder what their motivation for helping the investigation is. Are they helping because they're helping their fellow animals? I don't know if this would be a possibility, but it may be fun to play with something else that sometimes happens in PI stories--the PI having to work with people he/she doesn't trust, is sometimes opposed to, or has a different value system than. Sometimes the PI has to depend on ex-cons, or cops they don't like, or even rival PIs.
I think Tramp is his most impressive when he's using his detective skills to solve problems. I really like the passage when he explains how he deduced from certain clues exactly how Phoebe escaped. Tramp was very Holmes-ian in that passage. Perhaps some questions to help continue developing the story would be "How does Tramp use his detective skills to solve this particular problem?" and "What clues can I plant for Tramp to find?"
Mr. Apollo seems to be the primary antagonist here. I wonder if it may help to explore his motivation, or maybe his "story." It may be interesting to make a timeline of what Mr. Apollo's doing the entire story, even when he's not appearing in the story. What's he doing, and what clues might he be leaving around? Does he ever figure out that Tramp's on his case?
Oh, to return to my list of compelling storylines, I can't forget to mention the most compelling of all--Tramp trying to find his sister! I agree with Alan--this storyline is huge. It has high stakes. It matters. It makes this a case that is far more important than the ordinary case. The more the case challenges Tramp's detecting skills, the greater his triumph when he finally finds her! (He better find her, Bill!)
Bill, thank you for sharing, and keep up the good work! I think it's really cool that you're working on a series here--that you've got a main character so good that you can spin another tale with him. Keep it up!
I just saw my error in the first line. It should be "canine mystery," of course. :0)
DeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting on the last five chapters.
I love the addition of Grey, and her distinctive traits as a downtown cat, and Tramp's knowledge of these traits. Why would he know this? I agree with Andy's comment about Corvus and the crows - it would be really interesting if their bird's eye view on the world gives them a somewhat different set of values or priorities. Fun to watch Tramp figure this out in this or future mysteries.
I also agree with Andy's comment about setting up the ticking clock - so we have Tramp seeking Phoebe, and Apollo seeking Phoebe, and now Phoebe's with the Lemon Grass Lady who MIGHT take her to MACC the way she did the first time or MIGHT do something completely different. You could show her considering her options. Now that's tension!
Some details - on page 71 - Phoebe was taken to MACC, and she reacts negatively to the act of being taken, but she doesn't tell us anything about her experience of being at MACC.
And on p. 64, Tramp asks Grey about the last time she saw Phoebe - this question is never answered, and I can't believe Tramp would let it go.
On p. 67, the octahedron structure in the Obermeyers' back yard - "the girls in the neighborhood used one cube as a play kitchen, the boys timed themselves crawling to the top and back down to the yard." REALLY, BILL??? And do the girls wear twin sets and pearls and high heels while they vacuum, too? C'mon, this isn't the 1950s. Let the girls climb too.
Still p. 67 - Aspen asks what his humans think, and Kristen answers. This implies that Kristen is an Obermeyer. Is she? The Obermeyers are Aspen's humans, and they should answer the question
p. 68 - Phoebe's tracking to Lake of the Isles by the smell of geese and carp. I know she would hit Isles first coming from downtown. But Calhoun and Harriet have geese, too - so if she wound up in a different part of south Minneapolis that could create an interesting problem for her.
Can't wait to see what Lemon Grass Lady does with Phoebe!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete