Great opening, Andy. I usually get impatient with much exposition up front, but your descriptive language pulled me in and kept me engaged. The detail is rich and makes the world fuller without bogging things down. It adds to the story rather than taking over from the story.
You show such good balance between describing and giving me a feel that the story is being set up. In fact, at first, I wondered why you felt it was bloated. If Dad didn’t come into the story as a live person I think it would be great as is. Even so, maybe bloated is too strong a word. Perhaps just move a bit of it to after Dad dies to help us feel that sense of loss again, assuming we will see Dad’s end. You’ve baited the hood for me to want to see how that plays out so if you don’t show me I’ll feel cheated, even if it seeing it makes my cry.
This is such a great concept. Good job borrowing stuff relevant to fantasy from your sci-fi piece. There are hard core fantasy fans who will eat this up.
What do I know? In the first chapter I know I’m hooked by a pro. and I can feel myself being reeled in. I know Dad’s gone. I know Goom and Dad have a special relationship. I know Goom and Goom’s mom miss him. I know Dad was respected and loved by the community and that Dad had an engaging, fun, daring personality and that he ate up life in big mouthfuls. I know he loved his son and wanted to share what was most important to him with his son. Dad loved his wife. I know Dad has respect for the great fish Bo even though he can’t resist the temptation to catch him. I know there are alternate universes that are similar but different than where Goom lives. It is nigh impossible, and dangerous to use the stream to travel in time. Traveling to alternate universes is less dangerous. I know Treater has some kind of ramshackle traveling device that can make these travels.
I think I know that there is a temptation for Goom to want to use these streams to go back and see his dad before he died, or to visit an alternate Dad even though Tranter says that would be a mistake. I think I know that getting Bo will become a quest for Goom. A way to stay connected with his dad. I think I know Dad’s death has something to do with Bo.
I want to know more about Treater and how he got the ship and learned to use it. As the story progresses I want to see more relationship building between Dad and Goom; more moments of precious time spent together. Then I want to know how Dad died. I want to see it happen. I want to see it led up to, the anticipation building, but not too much until it’s getting close. I want to see Goom’s response to his dad’s death. Then I want to see some healing. I definitely don’t want to see an alternate universe dad brought back to replace the real dad. There is no replacing real Dad. I don’t think I want to see real Dad brought back from the past. I think I would like to see Goom make a daring attempt to go back and see Dad and maybe with the intent to bring him back to save him, or to warn him so he can avoid his own death. But I think Dad still needs to die. Sorry. Death is part of life, it’s a big part of what makes life so precious. Maybe Dad himself teaches Goom this concept when Goom goes to “save” his dad.
Andy, your writing is so gush, gush, compliment, compliment. Thank you for sharing. I can see your soul in this one. Alan
I am very tempted to copy and paste Alan's commentary. When I read Alan's words, I knew more about Goom and his family than my reading the piece twice gave me. However, I will not cut and paste. I will just rephrase what Alan has written since he has said all that needs to be said. Your descriptive talent is as visible as a carp rolling on the shore of Lake of the Isles in Minneapolis being chased by Tramp. I guess that means I used Tramp to build a story just like you use Goom and his dad and mom to create a world none of us have been to but recognize.
There is so much humanity in this fantasy world I believe you live in between the real world and the one you would like to see. WAs the kids all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?" What weird lake did you live near growing up? Were you out fishing and hunting for strange animals living under the water every waking moment? Your philosophical nature comes out on page 3 with "Life's a river, she says, flowing ever one way -........?
Who are these fascinating characters patterned after, especially The Treater? Where did the "Time-River? come from?
Your back-story flows in and out like that Time River and I begin counting on going back and forth between yesterday and tomorrow. Your jargon, "Wouldn't wager a dead minnow on it," comes from Huck Finn. Maybe, or that's the way some kid talked in a class your were teaching. Have you ever built a decoy? Ever wished the moon would come down and let you touch it? I think I know the Moonswallower. He is waiting to gobble up all the bad things in the world or save the good things. So,,,
OK, I almost copied Alan, but resisted the temptation. I can't wait to read what others say.
CORRECTION "Was the kids all the time, 'Where do your ideas come from?'" Should be, "My question is the same as the kids ask all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?"
Okay, this is really irritating. I just wrote a really long post and it wouldn't publish. SO now I have to write it again. Grrr.
I know everything that Alan knows, plus...
...this world looks a lot like the third rock from the sun... ...appears to have one sentient species, humanoid in nature... ...Treater also seems to be humanoid, although he came from Somewhere Else...
Goom's world seems to be either pre-industrial/technological (agrarian) or long, long post-technological. There's no evidence of electricity or electronics or telecommunication or central heating or motors of any kind. The only exception to this is Treater's space ship and his metal robots.
I'm leaning toward long, long post-technological. If Goom's world were pre-industrial, I would think they would regard Treater as a god or burn him at the stake as a demon or wizard. Instead, they easily accept his account of Time Rivers and other universes and his metal robots and his flying ship. This implies that the concepts of technology and space travel are not unknown. I say long, long post-technological because the world is so lush and healthy - if there was some apocalyptic event that put an end to technology, the planet has long since recovered from it, indeed erased all traces of it.
Publishing this in pieces because I don't want to lose the whole damn thing again. Anyway, Andy, I'm liking post-technological but we need some clues. Not a lot - maybe a wind turbine graveyard or some such left from The Time Before. Seemed like such a good idea, but all those poor dead birds, and then the winds began to blow so hard for so long and the electricity spiked so hard that lightning went up, not down, and the whole system sizzled and exploded... Treater could have seen these things in his time travels.
The language, the language, the language, oh my god, Andy. The most beautiful freaking description I have ever read in my life. Goom's voice is fabulous, do not change his voice, do NOT change his voice. Do you mind if I say, your dad would be bowled over by this? Do NOT change this voice.
BUT. I'm not sure this is MG. Why do you think MG? The voice feels older, and it also feels like there's going to be a very serious quest that's for an older boy, too, a 15-17 year old. A quest that starts out being about his father but grows to be about something much bigger - altho is there really anything bigger than proving yourself to a parent you love and look up to, especially when he isn't there to tell you you've succeeded? But those Time Rivers... the possibilities give me the shivers.
Oh! I want to know... WHEN are we? WHERE did Treater come from, and WHY does he stay "here" - why does he prefer it to wherever/whenever he came from?
WHAT does Goom yearn for? (He yearns for his father not to be dead, but is that a fair objective at the beginning of a novel?) Will he go on some kind of quest, and if so , what will he go in search of?
Great opening, Andy. I usually get impatient with much exposition up front, but your descriptive language pulled me in and kept me engaged. The detail is rich and makes the world fuller without bogging things down. It adds to the story rather than taking over from the story.
ReplyDeleteYou show such good balance between describing and giving me a feel that the story is being set up. In fact, at first, I wondered why you felt it was bloated. If Dad didn’t come into the story as a live person I think it would be great as is. Even so, maybe bloated is too strong a word. Perhaps just move a bit of it to after Dad dies to help us feel that sense of loss again, assuming we will see Dad’s end. You’ve baited the hood for me to want to see how that plays out so if you don’t show me I’ll feel cheated, even if it seeing it makes my cry.
This is such a great concept. Good job borrowing stuff relevant to fantasy from your sci-fi piece. There are hard core fantasy fans who will eat this up.
What do I know? In the first chapter I know I’m hooked by a pro. and I can feel myself being reeled in. I know Dad’s gone. I know Goom and Dad have a special relationship. I know Goom and Goom’s mom miss him. I know Dad was respected and loved by the community and that Dad had an engaging, fun, daring personality and that he ate up life in big mouthfuls. I know he loved his son and wanted to share what was most important to him with his son. Dad loved his wife. I know Dad has respect for the great fish Bo even though he can’t resist the temptation to catch him. I know there are alternate universes that are similar but different than where Goom lives. It is nigh impossible, and dangerous to use the stream to travel in time. Traveling to alternate universes is less dangerous. I know Treater has some kind of ramshackle traveling device that can make these travels.
I think I know that there is a temptation for Goom to want to use these streams to go back and see his dad before he died, or to visit an alternate Dad even though Tranter says that would be a mistake. I think I know that getting Bo will become a quest for Goom. A way to stay connected with his dad. I think I know Dad’s death has something to do with Bo.
I want to know more about Treater and how he got the ship and learned to use it. As the story progresses I want to see more relationship building between Dad and Goom; more moments of precious time spent together. Then I want to know how Dad died. I want to see it happen. I want to see it led up to, the anticipation building, but not too much until it’s getting close. I want to see Goom’s response to his dad’s death. Then I want to see some healing. I definitely don’t want to see an alternate universe dad brought back to replace the real dad. There is no replacing real Dad. I don’t think I want to see real Dad brought back from the past. I think I would like to see Goom make a daring attempt to go back and see Dad and maybe with the intent to bring him back to save him, or to warn him so he can avoid his own death. But I think Dad still needs to die. Sorry. Death is part of life, it’s a big part of what makes life so precious. Maybe Dad himself teaches Goom this concept when Goom goes to “save” his dad.
Andy, your writing is so gush, gush, compliment, compliment. Thank you for sharing. I can see your soul in this one.
Alan
I am very tempted to copy and paste Alan's commentary. When I read Alan's words, I knew more about Goom and his family than my reading the piece twice gave me. However, I will not cut and paste. I will just rephrase what Alan has written since he has said all that needs to be said. Your descriptive talent is as visible as a carp rolling on the shore of Lake of the Isles in Minneapolis being chased by Tramp. I guess that means I used Tramp to build a story just like you use Goom and his dad and mom to create a world none of us have been to but recognize.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much humanity in this fantasy world I believe you live in between the real world and the one you would like to see. WAs the kids all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?" What weird lake did you live near growing up? Were you out fishing and hunting for strange animals living under the water every waking moment? Your philosophical nature comes out on page 3 with "Life's a river, she says, flowing ever one way -........?
Who are these fascinating characters patterned after, especially The Treater? Where did the "Time-River? come from?
Your back-story flows in and out like that Time River and I begin counting on going back and forth between yesterday and tomorrow. Your jargon, "Wouldn't wager a dead minnow on it," comes from Huck Finn. Maybe, or that's the way some kid talked in a class your were teaching. Have you ever built a decoy? Ever wished the moon would come down and let you touch it? I think I know the Moonswallower. He is waiting to gobble up all the bad things in the world or save the good things. So,,,
OK, I almost copied Alan, but resisted the temptation. I can't wait to read what others say.
Finish this book!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CORRECTION "Was the kids all the time, 'Where do your ideas come from?'" Should be, "My question is the same as the kids ask all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?"
ReplyDeleteIs this working
ReplyDeleteOkay, this is really irritating. I just wrote a really long post and it wouldn't publish. SO now I have to write it again. Grrr.
ReplyDeleteI know everything that Alan knows, plus...
...this world looks a lot like the third rock from the sun...
...appears to have one sentient species, humanoid in nature...
...Treater also seems to be humanoid, although he came from Somewhere Else...
Goom's world seems to be either pre-industrial/technological (agrarian) or long, long post-technological. There's no evidence of electricity or electronics or telecommunication or central heating or motors of any kind. The only exception to this is Treater's space ship and his metal robots.
I'm leaning toward long, long post-technological. If Goom's world were pre-industrial, I would think they would regard Treater as a god or burn him at the stake as a demon or wizard. Instead, they easily accept his account of Time Rivers and other universes and his metal robots and his flying ship. This implies that the concepts of technology and space travel are not unknown. I say long, long post-technological because the world is so lush and healthy - if there was some apocalyptic event that put an end to technology, the planet has long since recovered from it, indeed erased all traces of it.
Publishing this in pieces because I don't want to lose the whole damn thing again. Anyway, Andy, I'm liking post-technological but we need some clues. Not a lot - maybe a wind turbine graveyard or some such left from The Time Before. Seemed like such a good idea, but all those poor dead birds, and then the winds began to blow so hard for so long and the electricity spiked so hard that lightning went up, not down, and the whole system sizzled and exploded... Treater could have seen these things in his time travels.
ReplyDeleteThe language, the language, the language, oh my god, Andy. The most beautiful freaking description I have ever read in my life. Goom's voice is fabulous, do not change his voice, do NOT change his voice. Do you mind if I say, your dad would be bowled over by this? Do NOT change this voice.
BUT. I'm not sure this is MG. Why do you think MG? The voice feels older, and it also feels like there's going to be a very serious quest that's for an older boy, too, a 15-17 year old. A quest that starts out being about his father but grows to be about something much bigger - altho is there really anything bigger than proving yourself to a parent you love and look up to, especially when he isn't there to tell you you've succeeded? But those Time Rivers... the possibilities give me the shivers.
I want MORE, MORE, MORE.
Oh! I want to know... WHEN are we? WHERE did Treater come from, and WHY does he stay "here" - why does he prefer it to wherever/whenever he came from?
ReplyDeleteWHAT does Goom yearn for? (He yearns for his father not to be dead, but is that a fair objective at the beginning of a novel?) Will he go on some kind of quest, and if so , what will he go in search of?
Will there be any girls in this novel?