Hey, all!
I've emailed you "Tiny Winged Things,"
a short story that started as a fun flash-fiction exercise*. The narrator is female--something I haven't done much.
I think what would help me out might be your imaginings in response to those three "go to" workshop questions: What do you know? What do you think you know? What do you want to know?
*That flash-fiction exercise is a fun one to do on your own--or to have a group you're teaching/leading do.
Here's the exercise: Write a 26-sentence story in which the first sentence starts with the letter "a," the second sentence starts with "b," and so on. You're allowed two sentence fragments.
I actually went in reverse--starting with "z"--and then totally shattered the other rules, so my story's a lot more than 26 lines. But it was fun!
Thank you all for reading, and happy holidays to all of you and your families! Thank you for another great year of WriteFu!!!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteyour writing has this amazing way of pulling me along like I’m under a spell. I’m always totally immersed and floating along, enjoying the ride. I know I’m going somewhere important but the ride is so enjoyable that, although I’m anxious to get to that destination, I’m also a little sad to get to the end. One way you do this is through your fantastic use of metaphor, such as at the end where you write, “Wingless, I hurtled off into the dark.”
Kudos for going with a female narrator. That is something I haven’t had the guts to tackle. I think you did a good job. Actually, I think you did a fantastic job. However, since I’m not female I can’t be sure. I do know it worked for me. The theme is certainly tried and true. The complicated relationship between the two main characters speaks loudly to me of my younger days, days I’m so grateful are behind me.
As for the three “what questions”:
What do I know? I know Ash is romantically interested in Mike. Mike is very interested in insects. Ash and Mike are both in college. They smoke pot together. Mike smooches on girls with whom he isn’t interested in having a meaningful relationship.
What do I think I know? Mike is an insect protégé. Mike prefers insects with wings to insects without wings. Ash is more into Mike than Mike is into Ash. Mike has emotional issues, which cause him to avoid a meaningful relationship by burying himself in alcohol and drugs as well as in meaningless relationships and sometimes even in his love of insects. Mike has some romantic interest in Ash but doesn’t want to mess up what he shares with her as a fellow insect-lover. I think Mike has his head up his bum.
What do I want to know? A bit more about what attracts Ash to Mike. How interested is Mike in Ash. Will Ash come back to Mike? Will Mike go after Ash? What is it that makes Mike so crazy about flying insects? Why wouldn’t Mike open his door even though he knew Ash could hear him in his room? Why was Mike sobbing? Does that behavior have anything to do with Mike’s inability to have a romantic relationship that matters?
Alan
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI want to know Mike and Ash's background. What brings them to being the people they are growing into? Mike could use a therapist to ask him questions about his early years. Why does he hide emotion behind smoke and insects. Can't help but think of Gregor in Kafka's Metamorphosis. Yes, Kafka turned him into an insect without wings, to keep him in his parents home, but he turned for probably the same reasons that Mike hides his true emotions.
Ash is an intelligent and articulate narrator. Perhaps she walks away because she understands what is in front of her and knows that Mike is not worth taking to a therapist. This could be a longer novella that explores all the events that led these two to being the young adults they exist as today.
The questions that Alan asks are the same for me. In the end, it is the words that make your writing so much fun to read. I feel the emotion, the rising, the falling, the hiding, the fear, that exists on these pages.
Is Benilde patterned after the Catholic High School, Benilde, in Minneapolis?
My favorite words are in the last paragraph on page 10. "He stood in the center of the quad....."
I have sent an annotated manuscript to all.
Happy New Year,
Bill
For some reason, I picture this unfolding on the St. Mary's campus in Winona--perhaps that's just because I know of your Winona connection, and because it's apparently a Catholic school (and, you know, the mention of Prairie Island Park :)).
ReplyDeleteFor the three "W's," Alan and Bill have already articulated pretty well what played in my head as I read. Particulars are noted below.
What I mostly want to talk about is the pot. It makes things interesting. Like the bugs, it's something Mike and Ash have in common, even bond over. But it also keeps Mike in a haze, which is likely deliberate on his part, to bury some darkness from his past. Plus it gives him an excuse to be goofy, aloof---sleepy, even--not entirely accountable for his words or actions (at least in his mind--we're always accountable for our words and actions, after all). The pot provides him an emotional buffer--even with Ash.
Did I miss it? Do we know if they both smoked pot before they met each other? Or did one start the other on the habit? Did they start together? As noted by others, I'd like to know more about their genesis!
And more about the religious overtones (Catholic school, "Satan," etc.).
And more Latin names for bugs.
On that note, I like the LANGUAGE of the story--the drug lingo/slang, Ash's descriptions (like the hole freezing over where the car went through the lake, because it was so cold) and her phrasing ("blue blear"). Even Mike's nickname for Ash ("Ashes) is perfect, considering their shared interest.
Okay. That's probably enough random thought-spewing. On a final note, though, I love the sad yet oddly hopeful (or maybe courageous?) ending. That's not quite it. Maybe the best description is TOUGH. It's a TOUGH ending--but I mean that in the best possible way. Thanks, Andy. Write on!
ReplyDeleteAs always, your writing is filled with wonderful, evocative sentences: "so bombed out of his mind there wasn't much Mike there"..."as if they were two mayflies clutching one another as dying they fell to the stream whose waters would rush off with their exquisite, delicate corpses, lacy wings and all"..."'Pray for me,' I rasped to the mantic.'"..."her tank top showing cleavage so deep even my head beams couldn't plunge far enough into it to cast out all its shadow"... I could go on and on. Love the reference to the car full of students going into the river: College is FRAUGHT. It just is.
What do I know? Bugs are far more erotic than I've ever given them credit for. Mike is an emotional train wreck, except for the fact that he loves bugs. Ash is first attracted to Mike because they both love bugs. Mike has some serious emotional baggage about something. Mike's only way of relating romantically to women is to go to parties, get drunk, and hook up with one glitter-encrusted bimbo after another, while for three years he hangs out during the day exploring the bug world with Ash. Mike apparently is physically appealing enough to attract aforementioned bimbos.
What do I think I know? That for some reason, Ash is attracted to Wounded Puppies and/or Men Who Need Fixing, and/or she believes she only deserves a Man Who Needs Fixing, and/or she believes she must redeem herself by Fixing a Man Who Needs Fixing. That there is some Big Thing in Ash's past that causes this. That there is some Big Thing in Mike's past that stunts him romantically.
What do I not know? Anything at all about how attractive Ash is to guys. Anything at all about what else might make Mike appealing to Ash, other than his interest in bugs. Ex the bugs, he seems pretty creepy. I'm going to be brutally honest here, Andy, whenever I start thinking about this story I start to get angry, because Ash is way too dumb for such a smart girl, way too stupid about a guy who doesn't appear to deserve it for THREE years. I think that's my biggest problem, the timeframe. Because I was that girl, very much so, believing I needed to redeem myself by Fixing a Man Who Needed Fixing because I grew up with parents who desperately needed fixing. The thing is, if you're a smart version of that girl, you figure out within a few months that a guy a) isn't fixable or b) just isn't worth your time and you move on to another one. You don't stick with One Unfixable Guy for THREE years. You try new, differently Unfixable Guys. So she's not believable to me because she's too smart to be enthralled by such a train wreck for so long. She'd move on to an airplane wreck, and then the Titanic, before eventually figuring out that, "Hey! I don't need to be trying to fix wrecks! I deserve better than that!" (Which I did, thank you very much for asking.) Unless maybe she's hideously unattractive or weighs 350 pounds and so has no choices herself, in which case maybe she would moon after Mike for three years, but that's something we don't know.
What we also don't know: What was Mike's "aha - I really need to quit this glittery nonsense and tell Ash how I feel about her" moment? And we don't QUITE know what Ash's "Sorry, too little too late - you're still a train wreck and I deserve better than that" moment was. Recognizing the significance of the glitter over Mike's lip was brilliant and ALMOST it, but I feel like I need something more. Maybe the realization that he made her come to him, rather than hauling his sorry ass to where she was to tell her how he felt? I feel like the phrase "too limp to grasp anything" is key but could maybe use additional illustration?
The Blog cut me off because I had too many words - I got discombobulated as I tried to delete as little as I could to get The Post posted with most of its meaning intact. I guess "What do I want to know" and "What do I not know" are really the same thing. I need to see some hint that Mike has some other redeeming qualities besides Love of Bugs. Maybe Ash gets a snarky communique of some kind from one of her (I assume) train wreck parents and he responds sympathetically?
ReplyDeleteA couple of things I left out of What I Think I Know: the story isn't taking place in a vacuum; there are other people around Mike and Ash. Ash must have at least a couple of gal pals, and maybe guy pals too, who are telling her that Mike is not worth her time. This campus, wherever it is, may not abound with Smart Girls like Ash -- Glittery Bimbos maybe the norm -- but there have to be at least a few. And I don't think I'm just projecting my own past onto Ash's psyche when I say she's too smart to be dumb enough to be in thrall to him for three years. "So bombed out of his mind there wasn't much Mike there" is not a phrase that indicates Ash finds Mike's behavior charming. Her references to the "glittery bitches" and Tanya in no way suggest that she envies them or wants to be like them - she seems to like who she is just fine, she's not insecure. Ergo, too smart to be that dumb, IMHO.
Here's something I want to know: WHEN is this story set, and is that supposed to be important? Ash's car is a Pinto - I just Googled Pintos, and they were last made in 1980. Ash and Mike look up the insects in "musty books," rather than online, yet communicate via texting. So I'm confused about when the story is happening.
I do really like the structure of the story, and I don't think there's a huge amount of revision needed to make it really, really good, for all I've said about the weakness in the portrayal of Ash. Shortening up the timeframe would lessen her apparent stupidity considerably. Think of it this way - at that age, a year seems like an eternity. A year is plenty long enough for this to go on.
The others have given you some great concrete suggestions and questions for fleshing out certain aspects of this world. I don't have much to add in that regard. Mainly, I just think this story is hot! I loved every line of it, especially that gorgeous last sentence which I don't think I will ever forget. I think you should submit this to some short-story journals and really hope you do.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll try not to repeat what other have said. The bug-centric setting is something that really sets this story apart and helps give it it's unique tone. I am fascinated by his fascination, and I want to know more about what these bugs mean to him. What Satan meant to him. Here is a caterpillar that Mike seems to identify with - a reflection of him. And when Satan makes his cocoon and presumably becomes a moth, Mike seeks to fly away and escape too. He's running, though both we and Ash aren't exactly sure from what. There is an emptiness in Mike, his baked, glazed-over persona only underlines what the ending with him standing in the center of the quad seems to reveal. That he has given up to the darkness.