Just letting you know I finished BLOOD AND LOOT last night and will add my feedback tomorrow morning!
Perhaps BLOOD AND LOOT could have a sequel in which Jimmy and Jill cross paths with Stormalong? Here's the Wikipedia link to this folklore character: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Bulltop_Stormalong
Blood and Loot epitomizes why I love being a part of Write Fu—and I think it so well captures the essence of Dave’s storytelling, too! This is a fun adventure story with a boy protagonist who doesn’t want adventure but does end up finding his inner scallywag so that he can battle of Stink Eye Bob and the pirates! WHEN IS JIMMY’S NEXT ADVENTURE?!?!?
I really enjoy how Jimmy is a reluctant hero of sorts—he gripes and he groans and he’s very apprehensive—and still does what has to be done. He steals the key from Stink Eye Bob’s quarters so he can set Lady the mermaid free, etc. Awesome!
Settings are described so vividly and so deftly. Case n point: Stink Eye Bob’s quarters, with so many things in gold. And I love how there are some chilling details that are somehow—and this is a testament to Dave’s storytelling skills—entirely in keeping with the story’s spirit and humor. I’m thinking of skeletons and bone knives, etc. Such piratical joy!
Speaking of piratical joy, I think this story’s charm comes from its anarchic (really a word?) spirit—it’s piratical joy. It’s in Jill setting out for treasure (after Jill has stolen the map from Stink Eye Bob—ha!) and dragging Jimmy along, it’s in Stink Eye Bob being revealed as a woman, it’s in the playfulness of language and humor (“I suppose I’ve learned to tighten my drawers in a shipwreck.”), and it’s in the wonderful, action-instigating boldness of all these characters (I think of Jill yelling, “Stink Eye Bob, ya bilge-sucking barnacle!”). Such fun!
I have just a few “story chiropractic” suggestions—a few minor adjustments—possiiblities for adjustments, really. On page 1, I wondered if the first line might be Jill’s “Row, trumpet butt, row!” Then, when Jimmy says his first line, “Remind me again why we’re running away from home,” we already know what he’s reacting against—the adventuresome, the go-toward-the-craziness and all that Jill represents.
On page 13, there may an opportunity for drama and humor and action and suspense. It’s stated that Jimmy realizes no one has been sailing the ship. But what if his realization were dramatized—if it were externalized and played out through action? Jimmy might just yell, “Who’s steering the ship?” And maybe the pirates react in a hilarious way—maybe they go from confusion to fear to anger to rage at whoever left the wheel. Maybe they even throw that pirate overboard. And then action of the ship heading towards the rocks as Jimmy’s trying to escape the pirates could be played out for a few more beats—of course, this would end with the ship crashing—because this story is of the piratical kind that invites the chaos!!! Maybe the action would play out differently, but I just saw this opportunity.
My last suggestion is to give Jimmy a last action to accompany him saying the last line (there’s no dialog tag with that last line of dialog, so I’m assuming it’s Jimmy’s line). As a reader, I wanted one last image of Jimmy doing something as he says his last line. What could that image be?
Dave, thank you so much! April’s been my personal Stink Eye Bob (I’ve been sick, I cracked a tooth, etc.), and I needed a joyful reading experience!!!
Thank you for this wonderful, close reading Andy! I particularly love the suggestion about showing instead of telling on page 13. And good call on the last tag. Jill is the one who said that, not Jimmy! One of those things where it's clear to me because I'm so close, but not necessarily clear to the reader.
Dave, what a fantastic tale. I couldn’t be more in agreement with Andy’s praise. Let me heap on a bit of my own. First of all, you’re a master of chapter endings. Each one is so hard hitting and has the wow factor. They might be very climactic, very revealing or might bring up more questions. But in some way or other they always leave the reader wanting more.
I also applaud you for the improvement you’ve made with this version. I loved the last version, but I remember being a bit confused about some things. I don’t remember what about, but I didn’t feel that way with this version. It flows well and is easy to follow.
Great character development. I love Jill’s audacity. You do a great job setting Trumpet Butt up for personal growth, and you nail him as an every-kid kind of guy who beats the odds and makes good. I also love Stink Eye. Her ruthless whining her fantastic lines make her a wonderful villain. You use the mermaid as a wonderful device to engage boys by appealing to their emotional needs. This is especially true when you have Lady tell Jimmy that she believes in him and in his ability to do something that looks undoable. Having a damsel in distress, who is also an adult figure is way empowering.
On page 7 and 8 you’ve done a good job describing what it’s like to be in the mermaid’s embrace. I wouldn’t mind a bit more of what it’s like to have a conversation while being dragged through salty ocean water by the ship. I don’t imagine it being a fun trip or one that would make conversation easy for a land creature.
Yes, I like Jimmy’s continual appeal to the story gods when he’s in the deepest trouble. This seems to disappear latter in the story. Is that intentional? Is it a sort of growing out of a need for them? If so maybe a stronger hint at that would be good. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind seeing a couple more appeals to the story gods, maybe in the last third or so of the story. One place you might consider is at the top of page 18 where Jimmy is praying for fresh air on the other side. Perhaps this could be an appeal to the story gods. That might also be an opportunity for a very short, showing him make the appeal, over telling that he is praying.
You have great lines throughout like, “Scurvy sea urchins,” she screamed as she circled Jill. “Ye've stolen me map, insulted me relations and tossed me first mate to the sea. What kind of heartless wee scallywags be ye?!” Such rich language. And Ruthless Stink Eye thinks she’s being picked on. Ha!
I made a few minor editing suggestions on the MS. I’ll email that to you.
The mermaid being a threat was a fantastic twist.
You let us know that Jimmy is good at holding his breath and that he knows he’s good at it. Then you make it so that ability is exactly what he needs to triumph. It’s cool that this is a real skill that a boy his age could actually have, and that he really could be better at it than big strong hairy or stink-eyeish pirates. It is refreshing that you gave him something real that is beyond luck and in addition to his other strengths of bravery and love for his sister.
In the old version I remember being chilled when it was revealed that the mermaid was really after Jimmy as her companion and that he would be trapped in the cave with the loot until he died. I didn’t get that same chill this time, but maybe that’s good. In this version Jimmy doesn’t get that dolphin he’s always wanted, but he does get a mermaid. That’s cooler, especially if she can be trusted not to lock him up in a cave.
Awesome, Alan. I was thinking I should lean on the metafiction "story gods" dimension a little harder as well. I'll try something out in that place you suggested. And good suggestion about the scene where they're in the water. And congratulations to you, by the way! :)
Dave, there are so many things I love about this story:
*wonderful active, novel use of language throughout.
*the "meta" quality, appealing to the story gods and what kind of story we're in
*turning every convention on its head - mermaid is both danger and deliverance, Stink Eye Bob is female, the sister is wilder than the brother
*surprises everywhere. LOVED the solid gold duck figurines, the Juggling Squid, the smell of rum and body odor
I didn't see the earlier version - apparently in that one Jimmy got his dolphin? I have to say that detail bothered me here. Jimmy says over and over that what he really wants to be in is a story with with seashells and rainbows and maybe a dolphin - he says it four times, almost like a chorus. It sure feels like he's earned them. But near the end of the story Jimmy says, "When will this nightmare end?"
I guess what I'm struggling with is Jane Resh Thomas's "What is your character dying for want of?" Prime Directive. It feels like Jimmy is the main character. Is he dying for want of a story about seashells, rainbows and dolphins - or the understanding that he's courageous and resourceful enough to be in the kind of pirate adventure story his sister likes?
That's terrific, Carolyn, thanks. What is Jimmy dying for want of is an excellent question, and one that maybe I should address directly. One thing about Jimmy's journey which I wanted to emphasize and which I think I need to work on more is the idea that what we think we want and what we really want aren't always the same things.
My Apologies for being unforgivably late. I have had 8 readings in the last 4 weeks in three cities. Tramp is having a great time. However, I am exhausted, but strangely invigorated. The most productive have been elementary schools followed by libraries then book stores. That is my early observation. Not sure how statistically accurate it is, but my gut says develop the sites that buy more books. Best is when the school librarian loves the book and forms a book club around your book. Got a call today from a rural school with about 40 K-12 students. I will read to a group of 20 2-5 graders next week. I add a writing session to the end of the school readings. Teachers and parents love that.
I hear Dave and Carolyn yelling, "my turn, my turn, read mine next." Maybe I'll use that in the next Tramp book. No promises, but Sunday at the latest. I'm taking a nap next.
Glad to hear that reading the book has been going well, Bill! And thank you for sharing what you're learning from your experiences. I can imagine how people would love a writing session added to the readings!
Bill, you have the BEST of reasons to be behind on Write Fu. We all want to have this reason!!! I am ordering Tramp a) to refresh my memory so I can post review comments to Amazon and Goodreads and b) to send to my 8-year-old niece, who loves dogs and loves to read. She's finishing second grade, so I wasn't sure if it was over her head, but they had DREADED TESTING recently and she tested at early 4th grade reading level, so there. Definitely Tramp-ready.
What a fresh unique voice! Stevenson's Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island would love to read this and see how his genre has progressed after 150 years. We all know how the story will end. Or do we? There is a built in mystery that can lead to a series of episodes on the Disney channel with Johnny Depp playing some role. Not sure which.
Great opening line. "Remind me again why we're running away from home," rivals "Where's Papa going with that ax."
I sense that this could be a story being written by Jill. She is in control. She sets the pace. She is a character that pulls the strings by writing her version and letting it explode in front of us. "Pirate Yarn," "Story Gods!" "Make it stop!," Jimmy pleaded. "Call it 'The End!"
And where does the Jack and Jill reference come from? Or is there none and just my imagination? They went up a hill. Jimmy and Jill go to sea.
How can Stink Eye Bob be a girl? Gloria Steinem would be proud. After a few readings I got over the fact Bob was a girl.
My wife and I discussed the herald for a half hour. What item or character gives us the knowledge that something is going to happen. We just have to wait and see it unfold. We came down to Treasure Tom - or his fortune - or the MAP. We agreed it was the map. Right or wrong?
Jimmy is a reticent hero, scared but brave and willing help. Even if it is a conniving mermaid. My suggestion here is to somewhere in the story there might be a trustworthy girl friend for Jimmy as Lady only looks out for herself. Which brings me to my point. The characters are jumping of the page with "I know that person" written all over them.
Page 12 has a great scene that reminded me of Buster Keaton, Charly Chase, Chaplin. "He stumbled, falling backwards against the ship's port gunwale. The one-eyed huck........." It all goes to show that this story deserves a film.
On page 20 Jimmy shows how smart he is. "His eyes widened with an idea. "Aye Lady. I'm your hero............... He is a good dete4ctive as well as a decent sailor.
Great read aloud for kids. Each chapter ends with them yelling..."One more chapter, please Mr. Revere, one more chapter!!!"
Last comment: then on to watch Selfridge. FABULOUS.
Just letting you know I finished BLOOD AND LOOT last night and will add my feedback tomorrow morning!
ReplyDeletePerhaps BLOOD AND LOOT could have a sequel in which Jimmy and Jill cross paths with Stormalong? Here's the Wikipedia link to this folklore character: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Bulltop_Stormalong
Blood and Loot epitomizes why I love being a part of Write Fu—and I think it so well captures the essence of Dave’s storytelling, too! This is a fun adventure story with a boy protagonist who doesn’t want adventure but does end up finding his inner scallywag so that he can battle of Stink Eye Bob and the pirates! WHEN IS JIMMY’S NEXT ADVENTURE?!?!?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy how Jimmy is a reluctant hero of sorts—he gripes and he groans and he’s very apprehensive—and still does what has to be done. He steals the key from Stink Eye Bob’s quarters so he can set Lady the mermaid free, etc. Awesome!
Settings are described so vividly and so deftly. Case n point: Stink Eye Bob’s quarters, with so many things in gold. And I love how there are some chilling details that are somehow—and this is a testament to Dave’s storytelling skills—entirely in keeping with the story’s spirit and humor. I’m thinking of skeletons and bone knives, etc. Such piratical joy!
Speaking of piratical joy, I think this story’s charm comes from its anarchic (really a word?) spirit—it’s piratical joy. It’s in Jill setting out for treasure (after Jill has stolen the map from Stink Eye Bob—ha!) and dragging Jimmy along, it’s in Stink Eye Bob being revealed as a woman, it’s in the playfulness of language and humor (“I suppose I’ve learned to tighten my drawers in a shipwreck.”), and it’s in the wonderful, action-instigating boldness of all these characters (I think of Jill yelling, “Stink Eye Bob, ya bilge-sucking barnacle!”). Such fun!
I have just a few “story chiropractic” suggestions—a few minor adjustments—possiiblities for adjustments, really. On page 1, I wondered if the first line might be Jill’s “Row, trumpet butt, row!” Then, when Jimmy says his first line, “Remind me again why we’re running away from home,” we already know what he’s reacting against—the adventuresome, the go-toward-the-craziness and all that Jill represents.
On page 13, there may an opportunity for drama and humor and action and suspense. It’s stated that Jimmy realizes no one has been sailing the ship. But what if his realization were dramatized—if it were externalized and played out through action? Jimmy might just yell, “Who’s steering the ship?” And maybe the pirates react in a hilarious way—maybe they go from confusion to fear to anger to rage at whoever left the wheel. Maybe they even throw that pirate overboard. And then action of the ship heading towards the rocks as Jimmy’s trying to escape the pirates could be played out for a few more beats—of course, this would end with the ship crashing—because this story is of the piratical kind that invites the chaos!!! Maybe the action would play out differently, but I just saw this opportunity.
My last suggestion is to give Jimmy a last action to accompany him saying the last line (there’s no dialog tag with that last line of dialog, so I’m assuming it’s Jimmy’s line). As a reader, I wanted one last image of Jimmy doing something as he says his last line. What could that image be?
Dave, thank you so much! April’s been my personal Stink Eye Bob (I’ve been sick, I cracked a tooth, etc.), and I needed a joyful reading experience!!!
Thank you for this wonderful, close reading Andy! I particularly love the suggestion about showing instead of telling on page 13. And good call on the last tag. Jill is the one who said that, not Jimmy! One of those things where it's clear to me because I'm so close, but not necessarily clear to the reader.
ReplyDeleteDave, what a fantastic tale. I couldn’t be more in agreement with Andy’s praise. Let me heap on a bit of my own. First of all, you’re a master of chapter endings. Each one is so hard hitting and has the wow factor. They might be very climactic, very revealing or might bring up more questions. But in some way or other they always leave the reader wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI also applaud you for the improvement you’ve made with this version. I loved the last version, but I remember being a bit confused about some things. I don’t remember what about, but I didn’t feel that way with this version. It flows well and is easy to follow.
Great character development. I love Jill’s audacity. You do a great job setting Trumpet Butt up for personal growth, and you nail him as an every-kid kind of guy who beats the odds and makes good. I also love Stink Eye. Her ruthless whining her fantastic lines make her a wonderful villain. You use the mermaid as a wonderful device to engage boys by appealing to their emotional needs. This is especially true when you have Lady tell Jimmy that she believes in him and in his ability to do something that looks undoable. Having a damsel in distress, who is also an adult figure is way empowering.
On page 7 and 8 you’ve done a good job describing what it’s like to be in the mermaid’s embrace. I wouldn’t mind a bit more of what it’s like to have a conversation while being dragged through salty ocean water by the ship. I don’t imagine it being a fun trip or one that would make conversation easy for a land creature.
Yes, I like Jimmy’s continual appeal to the story gods when he’s in the deepest trouble. This seems to disappear latter in the story. Is that intentional? Is it a sort of growing out of a need for them? If so maybe a stronger hint at that would be good. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind seeing a couple more appeals to the story gods, maybe in the last third or so of the story. One place you might consider is at the top of page 18 where Jimmy is praying for fresh air on the other side. Perhaps this could be an appeal to the story gods. That might also be an opportunity for a very short, showing him make the appeal, over telling that he is praying.
You have great lines throughout like, “Scurvy sea urchins,” she screamed as she circled Jill. “Ye've stolen me map, insulted me relations and tossed me first mate to the sea. What kind of heartless wee scallywags be ye?!” Such rich language. And Ruthless Stink Eye thinks she’s being picked on. Ha!
I made a few minor editing suggestions on the MS. I’ll email that to you.
The mermaid being a threat was a fantastic twist.
You let us know that Jimmy is good at holding his breath and that he knows he’s good at it. Then you make it so that ability is exactly what he needs to triumph. It’s cool that this is a real skill that a boy his age could actually have, and that he really could be better at it than big strong hairy or stink-eyeish pirates. It is refreshing that you gave him something real that is beyond luck and in addition to his other strengths of bravery and love for his sister.
In the old version I remember being chilled when it was revealed that the mermaid was really after Jimmy as her companion and that he would be trapped in the cave with the loot until he died. I didn’t get that same chill this time, but maybe that’s good. In this version Jimmy doesn’t get that dolphin he’s always wanted, but he does get a mermaid. That’s cooler, especially if she can be trusted not to lock him up in a cave.
Tis a grand saucy yarn ye’v given us, me buko!
Awesome, Alan. I was thinking I should lean on the metafiction "story gods" dimension a little harder as well. I'll try something out in that place you suggested. And good suggestion about the scene where they're in the water. And congratulations to you, by the way! :)
ReplyDeleteDave, there are so many things I love about this story:
ReplyDelete*wonderful active, novel use of language throughout.
*the "meta" quality, appealing to the story gods and what kind of story we're in
*turning every convention on its head - mermaid is both danger and deliverance, Stink Eye Bob is female, the sister is wilder than the brother
*surprises everywhere. LOVED the solid gold duck figurines, the Juggling Squid, the smell of rum and body odor
I didn't see the earlier version - apparently in that one Jimmy got his dolphin? I have to say that detail bothered me here. Jimmy says over and over that what he really wants to be in is a story with with seashells and rainbows and maybe a dolphin - he says it four times, almost like a chorus. It sure feels like he's earned them. But near the end of the story Jimmy says, "When will this nightmare end?"
I guess what I'm struggling with is Jane Resh Thomas's "What is your character dying for want of?" Prime Directive. It feels like Jimmy is the main character. Is he dying for want of a story about seashells, rainbows and dolphins - or the understanding that he's courageous and resourceful enough to be in the kind of pirate adventure story his sister likes?
I mean to add - I also think Blood and Loot is beautifully paced. It moves along so quickly.
ReplyDeleteAlso, why are we congratulating Alan? Did I miss something
ReplyDeleteThat's terrific, Carolyn, thanks. What is Jimmy dying for want of is an excellent question, and one that maybe I should address directly. One thing about Jimmy's journey which I wanted to emphasize and which I think I need to work on more is the idea that what we think we want and what we really want aren't always the same things.
ReplyDeleteI thought maybe that was it - I want to see Jimmy take more pleasure and satisfaction in his courage and and resourcefulness.
DeleteMy Apologies for being unforgivably late. I have had 8 readings in the last 4 weeks in three cities. Tramp is having a great time. However, I am exhausted, but strangely invigorated. The most productive have been elementary schools followed by libraries then book stores. That is my early observation. Not sure how statistically accurate it is, but my gut says develop the sites that buy more books. Best is when the school librarian loves the book and forms a book club around your book. Got a call today from a rural school with about 40 K-12 students. I will read to a group of 20 2-5 graders next week. I add a writing session to the end of the school readings. Teachers and parents love that.
ReplyDeleteI hear Dave and Carolyn yelling, "my turn, my turn, read mine next." Maybe I'll use that in the next Tramp book. No promises, but Sunday at the latest. I'm taking a nap next.
Glad to hear that reading the book has been going well, Bill! And thank you for sharing what you're learning from your experiences. I can imagine how people would love a writing session added to the readings!
ReplyDeleteMary K. & I do the writing lesson together. It is a real highlight for all involved.
ReplyDeleteBill, you have the BEST of reasons to be behind on Write Fu. We all want to have this reason!!! I am ordering Tramp a) to refresh my memory so I can post review comments to Amazon and Goodreads and b) to send to my 8-year-old niece, who loves dogs and loves to read. She's finishing second grade, so I wasn't sure if it was over her head, but they had DREADED TESTING recently and she tested at early 4th grade reading level, so there. Definitely Tramp-ready.
ReplyDeleteBlood and Loot
ReplyDeleteWhat a fresh unique voice! Stevenson's Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island would love to read this and see how his genre has progressed after 150 years. We all know how the story will end. Or do we? There is a built in mystery that can lead to a series of episodes on the Disney channel with Johnny Depp playing some role. Not sure which.
Great opening line. "Remind me again why we're running away from home," rivals "Where's Papa going with that ax."
I sense that this could be a story being written by Jill. She is in control. She sets the pace. She is a character that pulls the strings by writing her version and letting it explode in front of us. "Pirate Yarn," "Story Gods!" "Make it stop!," Jimmy pleaded. "Call it 'The End!"
And where does the Jack and Jill reference come from? Or is there none and just my imagination? They went up a hill. Jimmy and Jill go to sea.
How can Stink Eye Bob be a girl? Gloria Steinem would be proud. After a few readings I got over the fact Bob was a girl.
My wife and I discussed the herald for a half hour. What item or character gives us the knowledge that something is going to happen. We just have to wait and see it unfold. We came down to Treasure Tom - or his fortune - or the MAP. We agreed it was the map. Right or wrong?
Jimmy is a reticent hero, scared but brave and willing help. Even if it is a conniving mermaid. My suggestion here is to somewhere in the story there might be a trustworthy girl friend for Jimmy as Lady only looks out for herself. Which brings me to my point. The characters are jumping of the page with "I know that person" written all over them.
Page 12 has a great scene that reminded me of Buster Keaton, Charly Chase, Chaplin. "He stumbled, falling backwards against the ship's port gunwale. The one-eyed huck........." It all goes to show that this story deserves a film.
On page 20 Jimmy shows how smart he is. "His eyes widened with an idea. "Aye Lady. I'm your hero............... He is a good dete4ctive as well as a decent sailor.
Great read aloud for kids. Each chapter ends with them yelling..."One more chapter, please Mr. Revere, one more chapter!!!"
Last comment: then on to watch Selfridge. FABULOUS.