Hi all,
Just emailed you my short story"Jody, Jody, Silver" for some feedback. What works for you? What doesn't? Could the ending do more? Could the title do more?
Thanks!!!
Just emailed you my short story"Jody, Jody, Silver" for some feedback. What works for you? What doesn't? Could the ending do more? Could the title do more?
Thanks!!!
Man Andy, has it been three weeks already? This year is flying away from me! Jody, Jody, Silver was a pleasure to read, as I expected. I admire your ability to characterize so effectively. Single details our narrator notices like Silver's smile that convey an entire history.
ReplyDeleteSilver is such a great guy, and the narrator must hate him for it. Hates him because there's nothing to hate about him. He's just a better person. "Fucking Silver" is right!
When our narrator tells Jody to leave him, Jody refers to something he told her when they started this affair. But he doesn't care anymore about whatever line he crossed, as evidenced by the detached way he observed himself telling her to leave him. This is the butterfly transformation for him. He's been in a chrysalis this whole time, keeping their love secret, but now he's ready to leave. To let their love blossom like a butterfly. That's how I see it, anyway.
But now they're going to Greece for a month and his fantasy/dream is never going to happen. This is underscored by the fact that Jody's going to miss the butterflies emerging from their chrysalises. He's going to have all these butterflies alone. Instead of her being surrounded by these creatures that represent his love, it's going to be a storm.
Characterizing his love for her with the butterflies really worked for me. I really entered the story at the part where he noticed how lovingly she drew the caterpillar. That's where his love for her started, in my mind. And that's why he bought her the eggs and the milkweed plants.
This is a painful and effecting story. Really makes you feel for him. Really makes the "good guy," Silver, seem like the villain with all his stepping like he's on the moon.
Could the ending do more? I don't know, I think if my above analysis is in the ballpark, then I guess the devastation of him being alone with all the emerging butterflies he got for her could be underscored a bit harder. A bit less subtly. Would be curious to see what the others think about that, though.
Could the title do more? It doesn't really do much for me, personally. Not that it's a bad title. Again, I just think it might be a little too subtle for anyone to resonate with. Not like I have any good ideas though. Maybe something about butterflies?
Awesome work, Andy. As usual, I learned from you!
Dammit, I have just written and lost this lengthy critique twice. The blog trolls do not like me today. First time I forgot to click Publish before signing out and the second time I clicked Preview and it sent me to a new log in screen, never to see my post again. GRUMPY.
ReplyDeleteAndy, I LOVE this story. The characters are so real and 3D, and it's so poignant. Why is Jody with Silver and not with XXX? (I do wish he had a name.) Because Silver bounces and XXX trudges, Silver is all energy and momentum and sudden trips to Greece and XXX is the stillness that notices the details in an illustration and sees the fascination they represent. Silver is straightforward, generous, eager and XXX is complicated, darker, edgier. Silver fails to see the danger in sharing his life with his childhood best friend.
And Jody can have all of Silver and a little bit of XXX. She, too, fails to see that he might be dangerous, that he might do more than trudge. Hard to resist someone who sees that deep down you dream of butterflies. Hard to resist someone who sees that there IS a deep down, that not everything is about bouncing across the surface.
XXX's fantasy image of Jody among the storm of butterflies - omygod, omygod. all those feathery wings.
One thing that pulled me out of the story a bit - when XXX says he'll take the butterflies, screen in his porch. I don't know my monarch gestation. I don't think it's crystal clear whether they will be all still in chrysalis when Jody and Silver leave, or partially hatched, or all hatched, and I found myself wondering how you would transport thousands of butterflies from one place to another. I don't want to be wondering that. It's distracting. So - make their trip start before the chrysalises start to hatch, or have XXX say he'll take care of the butterflies at Jody and Silver's house.
The bit where XXX and the caddy find Silver's ball in the woods and throw it onto the fairway - I don't play golf so I don't quite get the joke. I get that there IS a joke, and I get that for the caddy it's all innocent fun, and that for Silver it's a bit darker and meaner. Do I need to get more than that? If so I need more clues.
Like that Silver gets the wrong bar wrong. Tells me that while Silver is generous, he doesn't pay attention. Which can get really irritating. Or... (see further)
I wondered why XXX didn't ask Jody about Greece/July/the care of the butterflies - was he afraid of what she'd say?
I also wonder - if Jody and Silver have been doing so much talking about the chrysalises, can he really be so oblivious about their timing and needs? Or is this whole Greece thing a huge, passive-aggressive way to say "Choose - him with his butterflies or me!" Maybe Silver isn't as ebulliently clueless as he makes out. Maybe a Snickers ISN"T just a Snickers.
Here's where the ending, with a jilted XXX and all those butterflies (or chrysalises) takes me: the butterflies are both the embodiment of XXX's love for Jody and of her art - the half-finished book she's writing/illustrating. She needs them to finish it. But he needs to let them go in order to free himself from this fantasy relationship. To free himself he will have to hurt her deeply - whether he takes any satisfaction in revenge or not. One of life's terrible choices.
Is that where you want it to take me? If so, I think you're there.
One word quibble - one page four, "as if walking three miles hasn't exerted his legs at all" - i'd use "taxed" in place of "exerted."
I thought of something else... seemed like Silver was really, really blathering on and on about Jody this and Jody that and "Jody and I" the other thing... I wondered, does he always talk about her so obsessively? Almost seemed like he was verbally marking territory... but for that to work in the story XXX would have to notice it, that he was talking about her more than usual. There would have to be some other hint that Silver knows XXX gave her the chrysalises.
ReplyDeleteObviously I'm reading a lot between the lines. You're deep into Alice Munro territory here. No small praise.
I am actually thinking of Camus as I read this story, L'Etranger to be precise. First, a very French attitude by the unnamed protagonist & Jody who are having an affair without the cuckolded Silver having a clue. All seem satisfied with the arrangement, for awhile. Seems absurd that a man as seemingly successful as Silver wouldn't notice his wife's artistic nature and that his business prowess, whatever that is, wouldn't be enough to satisfy her. Silver is self-absorbed to the extreme. The protagonist is also self-absorbed and prone to loving the state of being in love without taking responsibility for that love as indicated by his promise never to "cross the line." Then he decides he is ready to take responsibility for his love and says, "Leave him." Jody's "Good bye" leaves the protagonist and the reader in limbo. Silver is free to roam the world still totally self-absorbed proving he is better than the rest of us. Jody retreats into her art, we assume. The protagonist leaves the story to maybe figure out why he lost or why he got involved in the first place. In either case, I see him as Meuersault, the protagonist in L'Etranger who doesn't cry at his mother's funeral, has an affair and kills the Arab, thus proving the absurdity of the human condition.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I love the butterflies, Jody's art, the protagonist's narrative and his possible action. I find Silver a totally unlikable character.
I love the story because it made me think of character, motivation, conflict and lack of resolution.
I would like a hint of Silver's job and the protagonist's relationship with him.
Well done Andy. I know I am in the hands of a very good writer when I see your words cross my screen.
Bill
Wow--what comments! Thank you all for your imaginative feedback! My own imagination, once exhausted on this story, has awakened!!!
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing, Andy. As Dave said there is great imagery here. The storm of butterflies as an embrace is beautiful. The thing that really impresses me about this piece is that it pulls me in and makes me see what the narrator is experiencing, and yet most of what’s happening is in the narrator’s head.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that’s why so far we seem to be experiencing the story quite differently. I can see how Bill views Silver as being self-absorbed and Carolyn as seen Silver as a marker of his territory. But to me, Silver seems to still be smitten with his wife and is doting on her. Silver is full of life but he does want to share that life with his wife. He doesn’t get keeping the butterflies penned up but he does enjoy spending time with his wife and sharing her work with her. He loves being with her so much and is so happy that she’s a part of his life that it consumes him and his love of her spills out onto those around him. I see it as being kind of like when some people can’t stop talking about their kids. Don’t tell my wife I said that.
I like a story that can be viewed in different way and this story does that on many levels. There is so much that lets the reader think and speculate and play Freud about. Does Jody remind the narrator of his mother? But more than that, there’s the imagery of a screened-in porch that will keep the butterflies from flying away. This may be enjoyable to humans but to the butterflies it’s a trap. This Jody character does not seem to like being trapped. The narrator wants to trap her, in a sense, and charismatic Silver did, for a time. Now she seems to want more freedom prompting her to dally with the narrator.
I see Silver as a great guy who thinks he has a great wife and a great friend who he wants to share his good fortune with. In return, the narrator wants what Silver has: his charisma, his stamina, his talents, his zest for life, his wife. I find myself rooting for Silver, but sad for him because he has already lost part of his wife without realizing he has been betrayed. He has also lost a true friend and is chumming around with an imposter of a friend. I want to knee the narrator in the groin. And Jody, Jody, Jody. Grow up and give Silver the person he deserves.
That’s how I experienced this story, but it could certainly be viewed in various interesting ways. I don’t have any comments on how to improve it. I am fascinated by how it has affected four readers differently. This, indeed, is a story for an older audience with enough life behind them to appreciate the juiciness of it.
If you want a title that draws people in from the beginning then you might want to go with something else. Maybe something butterflyish or something that hints more strongly at some point or realization. But this is a grownup piece and if you want to make grownups think then you’ve got something here. From the narrator’s point of view, the title might make perfect sense. There is the fact that Silver keeps going on and on about Jody, Jody, Jody who the narrator wants. Then there is the realization that Jody will end up with Silver in the end. In that sense, the title very descriptive and I totally love it. However, this understanding of the title can only come at the end, if I’m right about what it means.
The first time I read this I didn’t realize that the narrator’s name had not been mentioned. After reading Carolyn’s comments I read the story again to see if it bothered me. Here’s another way the story impacts people differently. I liked that he didn’t have a name. I don’t completely know why. Perhaps it’s because with no name being mentioned it makes it easier for me to see the narrator as anyone. In fact, I would almost suggest eliminating the only physical description you give of the narrator when you reference his cheek fat. Without that description this guy could be anyone who is tempted to cross the line. It could be any of us. It could be any friend who may be plotting betrayal.
Well done.
Alan
Alan,
ReplyDeleteYou should write reviews for the New Yorker.
Bill
Just noticed the intro image. Nice touch.
ReplyDeleteAlan, awesome feedback! Thank you much! I feel right now as if I'm getting feedback from 4 Hamline advisers!!! The level of discussion here at WriteFu is high!
ReplyDelete