Carolyn , you have written a story that has many origins. Your alma mater as you mention, and one I just made up, I think.
M. Night Shyamalan's 1999 movie, The Sixth Sense, with Hayley Joel Osment as a boy that sees the dead and Bruce Willis as his therapist.
Anyway, I love the story no matter where it came from.
I made a few notes in the manuscript that I sent via email.
When I write I am 11 not 17 and have no idea what a ya reader wants and can't help with that bit. I do believe Jack and Ronan are linked inexplicably.
I really like ghost stories that have good endings. So, Carolyn, what's next?
Writing that kicks your ass
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteThose first few pages are made up of some beautiful writing. I felt like I was there with Jack on the grass and when a lovely lady hits the scene, a guy reader’s interest definitely peaks real quick. Way to put that up front and let us know what/who is most important to this guy. Speaking of guys, you do a good job of sounding like one. Probably 99% of the time I can quickly tell when a male character was written by a woman. I don’t think that’s a bad thing if your audience is female. If it is male it can throw them out of the story. I wasn’t thrown out of this story. I even bought into to the smell of lilacs. Although I might say flowers instead of lilacs. Usually it’s good to be specific, but many teen guys don’t know what a feaking lilac is much less what it smells like. But to be fair, I did. So maybe it’s fine. On page 11 it’s not typical for a guy to say other guys are amazing to look at even if he includes them with a girl. If you adjust that you’ve got your guy voice dialed in.
Those first two pages are so beautifully written I hate to mess with them. I do have to admit that I was confused by some things. For me, it was mostly sense of place issues. After I read it through a few times I realized those sense of place tags are there and they are beautifully subtle. It looks like Bill clued into them, but I hate to admit it took me a few reads. I’ll email you your ms with some comments about what sense of place tags might have helped me personally.
I like Jake. He’s a great guy and I definitely relate to him and to his situation. You have some great hot spots that help him likable. One is that Jack is totally nuts about Fiona. You nailed that one good. You have some other great hot spots that I think you could hit harder that would make Jake even more likable.
One is that Fiona belongs to someone else. I’m not saying do a Twilight or Hunger Games love triangle thing. But maybe we could see Jack show some feeling about how he digs her but she’s out of reach. That she becomes possibly in reach quickly is awesome. Yet you keep up the tension. There is still Jack’s killing of her brothers and her ex-boyfriend. That could still be between them, even if it’s Fiona’s own guilt that’s the issue. But I think you could hit Jack’s guilt harder too. That’s got to be huge. We’d feel more for him initially. Hitting his guilt harder would also make his relief greater when he discovers that the people he killed do in some sense still exist.
You might also get more millage by beefing up Jack’s multiple emotional reaction when he realizes and accepts that he really is hearing his dead friends speak. Besides relief, there could be gratitude, confusion and certainly surprise. Maybe surprise could come first. Talking to dead people doesn’t happen every day. Actually, I don’t know if it happens every day or not, but I don’t hear about it.
Your bare bones set-up is rock solid. You have mystery, romance, humor, tension, and a ghost with a fake Scottish brogue. I love these characters. All of them. Doug is my favorite but he doesn’t overshadow Jack. This is his story and Doug exists for him. That’s clear. You’re going to have a great story with that kind of foundation to build on.
Nice job,
Alan
ReplyDeleteCarolyn,
Wonderful opening to the story! The car accident is kind of like a wrecking ball swinging into the seemingly stable structures of Jack’s life as well as the lives of his friends and, by extension, pretty much everyone in this story world—I’m thinking now of all those people at the funeral! “Who swung the wrecking ball?” is what I’m dying to know! And the ghosts (or lingering essences) of the dead are already casting suspicion on someone—“Why would they be angry at Andy?” Indeed!
And I like that Jack has strong motivation here, and you’ve set up quite the situation to test the quality of the stuff he’s made of. He was driving, so he’ll be driven by guilt as well as a desire for justice, perhaps (I jive with what Alan says about J's guilt). Maybe even revenge? As this section ends, his soul’s not just on trial, but so might his sanity (he may still wonder if the meds are causing things, though that Ronan senses the ghosts, too, seems to validate what Jack hears) and his body (he’s in a wheelchair). He does have an ally—who’s a younger boy. Fiona seems like an ally, but I wonder, does she sense the ghosts (hear or see them?)? And what’s going to happen if/when Jack tells her that he’s hearing Brian, Alex, and Doug?
I am interested in seeing more of the “baseline” situation—how things are for Jack and his friends before their lives are thrashed by the accident. It seems things would start at such a high point—the friends would be filled with the hope of Nationals, and Jack would be filled with desire for Fiona. And then the pendulum would swing so dramatically with the car accident and shatter everything.
A book I read recently that began before the “life-imploding incident” was Carrie Mesrobian’s Sex & Violence. Have you read it? It was nice to see how the character was before he is assaulted—you can see vulnerabilities in his character and instabilities in the “baseline situation” of the story world, and those things offer up enough suspense and fear and mystery that they give the opening chapters an added oomph. I imagine that this story, because it’s a “whodunit?” as well as a “whydunit?” that there would be some odd, interesting things happening in events leading up to the car accident. I’m not sure where you are in drafting this story, but in case you haven’t finished a first draft yet, it may be worth finishing this draft so that you have a whole bunch of material when you go back to work on the beginning again. In other words, I think this beginning is holding this end of the story up nicely and can do so till you've the rest of the story written/revised.
Another possibility might be to have a somewhat reflective narrator who’s still a teen, who’s still not that far removed from the story events but does have at least enough perspective to ask some compelling questions. I can’t think of such a teen narrator offhand, but the MC of Because of Winn-Dixie (Opal?) is just a little removed from the story events.
It bears mentioning that the style throughout is AWESOME! The first thing I hope for when I start reading a story is engaging uses of language, and your writing always has lots of engaging language!
Thank you for sharing!
And if you have any questions, please ask!
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteThis is late and I'm sorry for being behind schedule. I'm trying to catch up with a number of things this weekend, your terrific piece foremost among them! Your story gripped me from the start with it's clear emotional stakes, humor and mystery. I think you've got something special and wouldn't change it too much, myself. I loved it, in fact!
I could understand the first two pages fine except for a small thing. Because of where it's at, I thought "and now we get to watch the ladies do it, too" meant he was watching Fiona smoke weed (and also does smoking the U mean beating the other team or getting high by the U?). So, "nothing lovelier than Fiona hammering the disc" sounds like an obscure, cool drug reference rather than an Ultimate term.
The first couple of pages are very believable. I totally relate to that thing where someone tells you what to do ("turn into it!") and you don't know what the heck they mean because you're panicked and it's not clear. Total gritty reality right there.
Jack is likable for sure because of his crush on Fiona. But also because of the way he becomes the disc, hears his dead friends and is just generally detached from his own life. I think every teenage guy totally relates to that feeling of isolation and experiencing your own life like a bewildered tourist. Plus, I like him because he's got mystery. He's from Florida, a fish out of water and somehow fell in with this trio of super cool kids. Oh and Doug, sorry Doug! (love that part).
So yes, I think these first 20 pages would totally engage a teenage male reader. It moves fast and, crucially, has humor too. Wondering what they're wearing underneath the kilts at a funeral. Awesome. Dark humor gets underrated sometimes in the name of being sensitive. But people need to realize that that's the kind of stuff that helps people survive and heal too!
So, to answer your last question, no I don't think you're "being too ghoulish to spin a ghostly mystery out of this."
I see I deleted my last bit about Andy. I love that you establish this mystery with Andy's motivations right up front. Here's where my mind went with him. He's after their money. He's going to try to get in with Fiona somehow. And was he somehow involved the night before with all the partying? It mentions he lives in a single in another dorm, so he's definitely positioned as the guy outside trying to get in. So I'm wondering if there's something even more sinister. Why was Jack driving, indeed? Does Jack really remember everything?
ReplyDeleteAlso wanted to say that the physicality of the ghosts being established with the little boy is much appreciated. Concreteness and clear rules help me know it's a story that's going somewhere. The boy's a Macleod, too. Interesting. Is Andy from an old, rival clan of this good family?
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteSince I read the first three chapters (and not just the third), I'll comment on all three. Hope that's okay! This is an excellent opening to the novel. You've established the players, the back story, and the conflict all within the first few chapters. And each chapter builds so well upon the one that comes before it. There's some good plot-thickening going on here! And that bit where Ronan sees the ghosts at the funeral and asks Jack about it--I actually got a little chill! So you're delivering on the ghost story aspect of this thing! You've established rules for this world, and in so doing, you've made this haunting both accessible and believable. What's more, the ghosts aren't the scariest part--Andy is (Andy in the story--not our Andy; although he's a little scary, too :)).
I think you've nailed the voice (or voices), both of Jack and his haunters (Alex and Brian). And I love this world you've built with this sort of aristocratic family and their strong ties to the state, the community, and the college, as well as all of the lore (both real and invented). And your attention to detail is great. Sounds like you've done (and are continuing to do) a lot of research. As I noted in my email to you, Andrea is (coincidentally) a pathologist so I'll get back to you on that nicotine question :).
Early in my reading, I put in a comment about increasing tension (specifically the tension between Jack and Fi--and Fi's family) over the death of her brothers. You've established it well (if subtly)--especially in the way the MacLeods go to such great lengths to make Jack feel like he ISN'T responsible for the crash. That's excellent! Continue to mine your premise's possibilities for all such sources of conflict! Fi and her family can say (and continue to say) that they harbor no ill feelings towards Jack--and maybe they don't/won't (at least not consciously), but there's likely something under the surface. A classmate of mine died in a car crash when we were juniors in high school. She was riding with two kids from another town. No alcohol--just fast driving. The boys survived the crash and were pallbearers at the funeral (partly, I suspect, for the same reason the MacLeods got the limo for Jack). Often in such cases there may be no public blame (Jack certainly shouldn't be blamed), but in private, hurt and fatigue might give way to darker thoughts and feelings about the situation, and otherwise kind and loving people may seek a target (and Jack seems like a good one). And what if such feelings distract characters from the actions and motivations of the Andyagonist (see what I did there)?
You've developed a rich premise and filled it with interesting characters, and I can't wait to see what comes next!
Thanks, Carolyn!
Riley