Well group,
This is another installment of Sludge. The first four pages are a revised beginning. It could start in at least three different places. Tell me what you think about where you think is the best place.
The rest is a continuation of what you've already read. Glade, who is now called Sludge by his friends, has escaped from the compound. He is at the hospital where a nice family took him. He has negotiated for some clothes and money with the doctor. Now he is waiting in a hospital room for the doctor to get 20 more dollars.
Carolyn, I'll also send you the first 84 pages to read if you feel so inclined.
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
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Alan,
ReplyDeleteSludge is so FUN to read!
I can't say enough about your style, Alan--your humor, your inventiveness with language, your timing with both humorous lines and lines that pack emotional punch. Just awesome. I could read your stuff all day!
One of the most impressive aspects of this story is how elegantly conceived the fantasy/science fiction elements are. A great example of this is how when Sludge "thinks asphalt" or anything else he'd like to blend in with, he does so. The reader understands the mechanism easily, and the mechanism is easy to portray in action, through description. I think that the sludge's effect has a similarly elegant way of working on Sludge--he has to drink the stuff, it seems, to maintain his superhuman athleticism, and Sludge conveys this by saying how well he feels his "other self."
The plot and pacing are spectacular.
And how about Sludge apologizing to the cops and telling them he respects them and then kicking them in the stomach? HILARIOUS! And he does a similar thing when he takes the car from Mrs. Paterson--he doesn't kick her in the stomach, of course, but he says he respects her, apologizes, and takes her car. So much irony! So much hilarity! I want to see these scenes play out on the big screen!!!
The opening, in which Sludge addresses a "you" who seems to be in a similar predicament as Sludge was in, is very intriguing, Will this be a series of books, perhaps told from the perspectives of different characters? I do like that the narrator has a voice that is young--he's not too far removed from the events of the story--but also authoritative and reflective. I haven't written much in the past tense, but you're using the past tense to your advantage. Your narrator knows what happened and is able to comment in cool ways on story events and to foreshadow in ways that a first-person present narrator can't.
Also, having read your "neighborhood ninja project," I've noticed how well you do certain things in both stories (describe action, sustain humor while playing an emotional melody, describe ninja-like actions and fight scenes, etc.). Has working on both of these projects sort of encouraged one project to inspire the other in cool ways? Could you perhaps tell the group about the experience of working on these two different stories, and if there's been some interplay? I'm wondering about the benefits of having multiple ongoing projects--I'm thinking there are many benefits, from what I've experienced the past five months or so with working on multiple things--and I'd like to hear about your process. Also, my fellow Write-Fuvians, please feel free to speak to what works for you as far working on multiple projects, etc.
In sum, Alan, AMAZING!!! I'm gobbling this story up, and I want only FIVE MORE BOOKS LIKE THIS!!!
Thank you for sharing!!!
I just want to correct an embarrassing gaffe in my feedback above--above, I keep calling Glade "Sludge." Sorry about that!
ReplyDeleteAlan,
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a long comment and accidently erased it. So here is what I remember.
Starts like a classic film noir. Expect Bogart/Sam Spade to say "I want to report a murder. Mine."
Keep the opening 4 pages. No changes can be made. Or else. Maybe it is a prologue.
You must have had a very interesting childhood. You mix terror and humor so well.
I am reminded of Mengele and camps. Experimentation and super races.
Schizophrenic Glade, with each side totally ok with the other. Whoever wins is key to the denouement.
I buy all the fantasy, tell myself I am a wall or a floor. I can do that, and get through the day. Wish I had read this book when I was ten.
Smart phones are black holes but we can't live without them. Somehow you make them to be good guys. Another skill to emulate.
Half the fun of reading your work is to see how we react to it. All we can say is finish the book. Get a publisher, set up book store and library readings. Sell the move rights, tour the world.
And, don't forget us.
Just to piggy back on Bill's comment about being reminded of Mengele, camps, experimentation, and super races: I was reminded of those things, too, and I admire Glade's toughness--I know he's going to stand up to all this!
ReplyDeleteSLUDGE also reminds me of some other books--HOLES, because of both the humor and the situation of kids being imprisoned and exploited by adults; and ENDER'S GAME, because of adults training kids through games to become, basically, super weapons. I must say that SLUDGE outdoes HOLES on the humor meter and outdoes ENDER'S GAME by light years in the excitement department (ENDER'S had interminable games of kids floating s-l-o-w-l-y in the absence of gravity, while SLUDGE has freakin' FISTBALL!!!!!).
Alan. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteI agree whole-heartedly with what's been written. This is a fun, fast-paced, action-packed story that I could definitely see becoming a series. The first page is FANTASTIC. You establish--right away--an assured, consistent, funny, and generally awesome voice. I love it.
I also like the way you've messed with out perceptions of Dora and Mr. Rogers, turning familiar childhood references into something dark and frightening.
Love how Glade manipulates his pursuers with the onions and his medical gown. Makes him even more intriguing!
And I love, love, love the conceit that Glade might actually be telling this whole story to someone like him, another product of the corporation. It’s like advice—or a how-to (or how NOT-to). You’ve pulled this thread through nicely. I think it punches up the tension and even adds humor.
Big-picture wise, I’ve got nothing to tell you except KEEP WRITING. This is wonderful. The story is unfolding splendidly. It’s well-paced, funny, and has a healthy blend of humor and pathos.
The only suggestion I have to offer is pretty nitpicky. There are one or two spots where I felt a little bombarded by information, like when someone from the Mathews Corporation calls the hospital, and we get all of this very important information from one side of the phone conversation. It felt a little too convenient, and my suspension of disbelief struggled.
And I have one question (which you don’t actually have to answer here—just make sure it’s answered in the story): Exactly how much authority does the Mathews Corporation yield (i.e. does the corporation have influence over hospitals, the police, courts, etc.)? Because I had trouble believing that a doctor would 1) divulge so much information about a MINOR patient to a corporation (or anyone other than a parent or guardian), 2) agree to hold the patient there until the Corporation could send someone to get him, and 3) that he wouldn’t question police who so willingly do the bidding of a major corporation. HOWEVER, ALL of these things could be due to the fact that the Mathews Corporation DOES have the much power, which of course makes it that much more terrifying! Only, I don’t know if we’ve been given enough evidence to support this. Perhaps you did earlier in the story, and I’ve forgotten. But if you haven’t, it could be something as small as characters openly commenting how weird it is that a Corporation is sending police over to pick up a patient and have others look frightened and avoid responding. There's also the possibility that he was legally adopted by the Corporation (a la _The Truman Show_), in which case, it is within its rights to retrieve him!
Again, I can’t stress enough how fun and great this is, Alan.
Keep up the amazing work!
Thanks for sharing!
Riley
Alan, I loved the new beginning. I'm thinking I'm a new recruit of some kind getting initiated by a legend. I'm saying, “Hell yes, I'm willing to the pay the price!” even though I'm not sure yet what he's talking about yet! So thrilling with the waking up without memories in the medical room right away. So intriguing with the immediate mention of fistball and the wanting to find someone to punch in the face. And so funny with Sludge's voice coming through stronger than ever. I love that kid!
ReplyDeleteI love the short sentences and paragraphs throughout this piece. Everything flows so well and moves so quickly. It almost never feels like it's slowing down, even when we're reading a wait and see scene.
Did I mention how funny this was? The split personality stuff had me grinning from ear to ear. Wanting to give himself a punch in the face. I loved the think like you're a part of the environment stuff. So thrilling to imagine and it may not even be entirely figurative! This all kind of reminded me of pseudo-philosophical kung-fu mixed with a Fight Club-style identity crisis.
Sludge is so tough from all he's gone through and all his conditioning. The taser tickles! This kid is such a badass. I love all his asides to me throughout the narration. “Remember kids, stay in school...” or “Guess who it was?” I love the way his mind works, kind of going with the flow, like reading the thing about the Native American guide and deciding that's what he needs in his current situation. Or apologizing to the cops before he beats them up. Man, he's just kind of crazy, and super high speed. He's unique among kid-lit heroes. I root for him so much!
I guess I'm not saying anything too useful for you. The others have made more helpful comments. All I can really do is offer my reaction to the piece you've given us. It's awesome. I love it. Keep going, Alan!
Whoops, sorry, I was calling Glade Sludge, too!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bill. DO NOT CHANGE THE BEGINNING. IT IS PERFECT. Resistance is futile. Become one with FU.
ReplyDeleteYou're writing speculative fiction, and introducing all the sci-fi elements very smoothly. Totally easy to follow, even though I haven't seen the first 87 pages. PLEASE SEND. (Did you by chance send them to cgriffith@comcast.net, rather than cgriffith58@comcast.net? There is a real person at that first address. She's told me before she thinks she's getting some of my
messages.) Unique and creative - having two selves, "think like asphalt." <3, <3, <3. (you know that's Internetese for heart, right?) Love how you signal that something really out there is going on when "Mr. Rogers" calls Glade by a number - 3759. Implies there are thousands out there like him.
The phrase "the man who was now a pile of damp earth" gives me chills. I want to know what happened to him. Then again, maybe I don't.
Love how in the middle of all this he doesn't want to leave behind the "coolest jacket in the world," - very tween-age.
Love Glade's reaction to Mrs. Paterson's fear - "that hurt me a lot more than any Taser ever could." Makes us like Glade.
Love the conversational voice, e.g. "I'll tell you what though..." And the hilarity in the midst of terrified flight. And the pacing and suspense. Masterfully done.
Re Riley's question about Matthews' influence - with his picture on the cover of all those magazines, I had no trouble believing his corporation has its spidery tentacles snaked deep into the corridors of power (mixing a few metaphors there, but you get my meaning.) The one-sided phone conversation was a tad contrived. I think it would work if you shortened it - you don't need every detail to get the point across.
A few questions:
1. "And as for my mom; I didn't even know who she was." But in the first graph he describes what sounds like his own "normal" world, including his mom. Sounds there like he does know who she is. So I'm not sure what he means when he says he doesn't. (You could just leave out the sentence.)
2. Mr. Rogers - while this reference works really well for your current set of FU readers, I wonder if it will play with current and future tweens? I thought about substituting Santa Claus. It isn't as perfect but it also isn't as era-specific.
3. Beginning Chapter 19 - Glade refers to the yellow notebook. I keep thinking that we're going to see what he's asked and answered in it, but we don't in this chapter. Kinda like putting the gun on the table and then never using it.
4. Interchange with Dr. Furbish - "I told you it went up to a hundred in cash plus the clothes You shouldn't have argued with me." What is "it"? And there's menace in that second sentence - a threat that doesn't materialize.
5. Mrs. Paterson's phone - I wondered if they could track him thru it. I wondered if he would wonder that.
6. Blood types - maybe we're just supposed to suspend disbelief here, but the way I understand it, the only blood type that can be given to anybody is O negative. (universal donor) The only type of person who can RECEIVE any blood from anybody is someone with AB+ blood (universal recipient). Or maybe they've changed the rules since I learned this?
7. WHO IS THE LITTLE WHITE NINJA????
PLEASE SEND THE ENTIRE YELLOW NOTEBOOK To the real me - cgriffith58@comcast.net - not my shadow self. Inquiring minds want to know.