For those of you familiar with
Simon's story, this scene is (chronologically) first. It's a lead-in to
the kitchen scene with Mom, in which they discuss the mysterious RV by
the park. But this chapter will actually be one of the last in the
novel (if used at all). Darn disjointed sequence of events.
Carolyn,
you might be a little lost, but that's okay. I'm curious how this works
standing alone, anyway (without any knowledge of these characters,
their histories, or what's to come for them).
I did this as a free-write, trying to delve deeper into Simon's history and psyche. Any and all feedback is appreciated.
Write on!
Ri
Riley,
ReplyDeleteAmazing writing, as per usual!
The dialogue is typically amazing. How on page one the lines in the Simon-Mark phone conversation crescendo in terms of sentence brevity—awesome. You can even see this in the shape of that dialogue on the page. Both characters rib each other even as they’re using quick lines to discuss some objective that they’re both working on. Very cool. Also, because they’re speaking as people generally do, in incomplete sentences and not saying much more than they need to, the result is that information is withheld. Great dialogue, it turns out, is a tension generator!
The description, the details, the actions—they’re all deftly written and they all do work. Simon hole-punching his notes and even getting every single speck off of his blazer, for example, signal that one of his character traits is that he pays the utmost attention to detail. These actions deftly reveal character.
Once in the kitchen with Mom, Simon says he goes on autopilot, but I almost want to see him go on autopilot. Everything’s been so cinematic up to this point that I almost want the camera to keep rolling, even if some of this narrative is mingled in with the action. Maybe some of this narrative could be conveyed through dialogue from Mom? Maybe not. Anyway, Mom might speak to him and then what he says and his actions might show he’s going into “predictably Simon” mode. BTW, “Predictably Simon” would be an amazing title or band name! Sorry--this is sort of a long paragraph devoted to just one little beat of an amazing scene!
You mentioned in the email that this scene comes before the scene in which Simon and Mom discuss the Winnebago, though this scene might be one of the last. Maybe a possibility: Could this scene be placed early on, maybe Chapter Two or so, and then be let to play right into Simon and Mom's discussion of the Winnebago? I can’t remember if she does or not, but in the discussion Mom might draw some comparison or contrast between Simon and his father—that might demonstrate how she feels/felt about his father and may even have some kind of “stressor effect” on Simon since he’s just come upon something very unexpected of his father’s. There may be some emotional/dramatic synergy in Simon finding his father’s journal and his mother making a comment comparing or contrasting him and his father. Also, then you'd have one running scene with Benjy, Mark, Dad (in absentia), Mom, and Thomas (not yet revealed, but THERE!).
One more possibility. Maybe because I’ve been dabbling in short fiction lately, I might be seeing potential short-short stories in peculiar places. I wonder if this chapter could be molded into a short-short, particularly if the scene keeps going to include discussion about the Winnebago. The conversation with Mark may be cut since it sets up something larger coming later (and it does this so well!!!), and the Winnebago and Simon’s father’s journal would be left to mystery, but that could be cool! Just a possibility!
At this point, I address Carolyn: I am so jealous that you haven’t read this story yet, because you have so much awesome reading in your future!!!
But my jealousy is squashed by the knowledge I’ll get to read more of this story, its revisions and developments!!!
Write on, Riley!!!!!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteI echo most of what Andy said. I also particularly enjoy how you continue to develop your characters in this piece. I always love strong father son connections. What’s nice about this piece is that even though dad has been dead and gone for some years that relationship is in a sense continuing to develop for Simon. I love how excited he is to have some of his dad’s stuff. Then he finds the journal. Cool. You add great suspense when you have him read a line out of the journal that has such an impact on him, but you don’t let us know what that line is right away. But you also don’t wait too long to reveal it so that the anticipation is still fresh.
I’m kind of amazed at the mystery you’ve managed to achieve with the entire piece. It’s quite a trick since you’ve written the story in reverse sequence. I want to know what’s up with this journal and why we didn’t know about it in the future. Or did we? I don’t remember it. Does the journal contain some forbidden knowledge, or some knowledge Simon just doesn’t want to deal with; something more than that one line? Where is the journal in the future? Is it buried in Simon's back yard? Did his mom confiscate it in a fit of anxious momness? Is his dad something more than most dads? Is there a tie between his dad and the guy in the Winnebago? If so then I'll be like, whoa, back up the trolley. That means Simon knew about it during the entire story I've already read. I can feel all my previous perceptions crashing into each other and trying to sort themselves out. Why does it suddenly sound good to eat cereal for dinner and lasagna for breakfast?
We’re almost to the end which is really almost the beginning and I’m having all these new questions. This could set up for quite a climax. Or is it xamilc
Good work,
Alan
Riley,
ReplyDeleteI love Simon and the hints of story you've given us here and am anxious to read the rest. I also sent some comments -- including the many, many parts I loved -- via Bill's google doc - let me know if you got those. I echo Alan and Andy's comments - love how you weave in all the details showing that Simon craves neatness, order, control. The key ring on the belt loop: is he a full-out geek? I assume he goes to private school or why would he be wearing a navy wool blazer?
"This could be the first big thing I've found in years" - gives me the idea that he's on a quest for nuggets, about Dad? The fact that Mom doesn't go in the office -- "Ever." -- that one-word sentence adds emphasis, makes me think Mom staying out of the office is a Big Deal.
"swirled in a cloud of dust set aglow by slices of early sun cutting through the blinds." Gorgeous image, but not the kind of observation I think he'd make at that particular moment. (one of the pitfalls of first person.) Bet you could use it somewhere else, tho.
There is so much emphasis placed on details that they all seem vitally important. I got hung up on "lick-back stamps." Found myself thinking about why we're told they're "lick-back," that this indicates how old they are, then found myself wondering about the face value of the stamps and whether Simon would notice that and think about how much a first class stamp costs "now." So what I"m saying is, the phrase "lick-back stamps" kind of took me off on a different track. Maybe delete "lick-back"?
I did wonder why -- if Dad's father died young and Dad was preoccupied with mortality -- he smoked like a chimney. I would have expected him to be a health nut.
Simon is a likable, engaging character, with a lot of affection for his mother and brother. He seems to be trying to reconstruct his long-dead father, one puzzle piece at a time. This is appealing and intriguing - and implies that for some reason he can't just ask Mom about him. Lots of tension and suspense there. Also lots of tension and suspense about Mark, Mindy and the mysterious disc - love the irony in the phrase "too much information," since for the reader there is tantalizingly little. And then there's the Winnebago... When can I read more????
Carolyn
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteOnce you read more, that Winnebago will forever alter your response to seeing a Winnebago! They'll be magical, mysterious, creepy things!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJust a note to say that Simon is great. Want to read more.
ReplyDeleteRiley, the opening with him getting his morning start with the phone to his ear gives a sense of specialness and urgency to the day. “Rip Van Weenie” and "Punkle" suggests a lighter, happier Simon than I've come to know.
ReplyDeleteSimon’s sarcastic voice is still there, as is so much off his heart and character with the Dad-capsule collection. (“And it’s all mine.”)
The sequence of events flow so well because they’re the result of Simon’s personality. Of course he couldn't let the stuck drawer go, even though he was in a hurry. What do you think about adding Simon’s reaction to him and the drawer getting spit across the room? He sits up and shakes it off but I guess considering the urgency of the scene I was expecting a “shit” or a frantic scramble or something.
As always, I love your sentence (short and long) flow, your verbs, and the immersing, first-person voice that takes us through time.
Cool how he starts adding to the journal – love the idea of someone else reading this and seeing this part where he picks it up. I laughed at how you wrote the scene where he kisses Mom on the cheek. It’s such a sweet and naturally odd thing to do when he’s a little on edge because feels his world about to change forever.
There’s a part at the end that is a little disconnected for me. He sees the Winnebago and he says he’s grateful for the distraction. Is he grateful for a distraction from thinking about the line in Dad’s journal? It’s not clear to me here for some reason.
Along with that, after he sees the Winnebago, he goes on autopilot and his mother is tired enough to follow along unquestioningly. I don’t really understand what he does when he goes on autopilot. What is she following along with? And why does he go on autopilot? Just a little clarification is needed for this reader, is all.
The last three paragraphs, and the journal entry from dad gave me chills as well. Not only does it resonate with me and my Dad, but I think the emotional power of a child both discovering and recognizing such a core vulnerability in their father is something that speaks to most anyone. Simon longs to find connection with his father who’s gone, and now that he's suddenly connected on such a profound and unsettling level, it's like it pushes his entire existence to an alternate dimension. There's a new understanding of the world and his place in it.
That you have this towards the end of the book is so powerful, and truly, truly demands a second reading. I can’t think of a much more emotionally satisfying and unforgettable thing you could do, and I sincerely hope you find a way to keep this in the final version of the novel!
Inspiring work, my friend. And powerful.
Thanks for the amazing feedback, folks!
ReplyDelete