I've sent along the opening of Killing Conrad Gohl. What cool occultish magical possiblities do you see envision for the story? And are there any movies and books you'd suggest I read for information and inspiration?
Okay--HERE is the question I've been mulling about this story: What awful occultish plans could Conrad Gohl have and what awful things could Conrad Gohl have done in order for McClurg (my narrator) and Chris to feel that they MUST kill Conrad? I do have an idea that Conrad used McClurg and Chris in his quest to turn himself into a demon. But why would Conrad want to become a demon? What were/are his motives?
AWESOME 1P voice in KCG. "Hawk of Loss Prevention" "M'ed his eyebrows," "discarded discs of nearly worthless copper or tiny proofs of altruism," "the remarkability was only starting," I could go on and on. Waldemart! Pure joy.
The language is startling and inventive. Puckering Chris, woo-boo! His physiognomy gives an absurd edge to the horror of the story. A sackful of lighter wands to incinerate a monster - like I said, inventive.
You do a great job of building suspense. A key element of this is the way you bounce back and forth between the horrific and the utterly mundane - e.g. your opening line, juxtaposing the killing with a shift at Kwik Trip, and McClurg's memories of THAT NIGHT vs. the Twins game live box score. Even the bit on p. 14 where he's telling Ruby about PC having been his best friend and she's feeding the carp - there's something really creepy about those "carp sucking the white bits off the surface," a lovely creepiness in the middle of this otherwise romantic bit. I think maybe on a subliminal the juxtaposition of mundane and creepy layers on the idea that even in the sweetest scene, there's something horrific lurking just outside the frame.
Ruby Voss: The specificity of what McClurg loves about her is masterful. I will say that in these 20 page she seems too good to be true. Possibly this is a function of his stage of besottedness. I am intrigued to see if she manifests flaws and how that all plays out.
Chris & McClurg: the exquisite pain of adolescent social darwinism. Been on both sides of the bloodshed myself. In these 20 pages it isn't entirely clear why McClurg abandoned Chris. That's okay. Just pointing it out. I can think of reasons that have nothing to do with THAT NIGHT - but you seem to imply it's because of THAT NIGHT. It's an engaging storyline, in any case.
Conrad/Puckering Chris/McCLurg and THAT NIGHT: what I understand is that Conrad somehow turned himself into something demonic. Possibly people were killed in the process. Some part of that started at the convent. Something worse happened at Boller Lake. SO the process took more than one night? There's not just Demon Conrad but also some evil "them" (p. 9.) All of whom are imprisoned - and presumably mightily pissed about that - behind the iron door set in the dolomite in the bluff.
What I don't get: The classic Passover question - what makes THIS night different from all other nights? Why must THAT NIGHT be set right on THIS NIGHT and only this night? The only thing we know for sure is that a full moon is required. Why did Puckering Chris wait three years? Why can't it be next month?
A quibble with your otherwise brilliant first line: "The night I KNEW we had to kill Conrad Gohl, I took a shift at Kwik Trip. " As I read this, it sounds like McCLurg knew they had to kill Conrad before he took the shift. Which he didn't. SO how about, "The night we had to kill Conrad Gohl, I took a shift at Kwik Trip."
A quibble with your otherwise brilliant second line: "...he had the sack." Makes it sound like McClurg knows all about this sack. Like it's a very special sack. The rest of your description doesn't bear this out.
Why would Conrad want to be demonic?
A) power B) money C) girls
For them to want to kill Conrad Gohl, he must have manifested his evil somehow. Dismembered and eaten someone's pet cat? His own pet cat? Shown how vastly transformed he is. What he is capable of. Maybe what he wants and what else he would do to get it?
Hmm. At some point will McClurg have to choose between saving Ruby and saving Chris?
All the Andrew Cochran flourishes I love are on display here. The vivid, unforgettable characterizations both of people and places, the awesome names, the insane ideas, the texture-giving parallel threads, the engrossing mystery, the emotional heart beat. From the wonderful promise of the title to the funny and unsettling imagining of Puckering Chris, I loved this thing all the way through.
And it was funny! Humor works so well in horror stories, and it works well here. Being simultaneously aghast and amused is thrilling. I laughed aloud at "His lips centered themselves beneath his nose."
What did they do to Conrad Gohl? I began to wonder on page five. Did they perform some kind of sorcery that turned him into a monster? It seems to me that he was a bully that the two buddies decided to try out one of their occult experiments on out of revenge. It went much farther than they dreamed, and they had to lock the monster away. We'll learn more about the book or spell as the story progresses, including why all the ingredients must be gathered on one night, this night.
You've set up my expectations and yearning splendidly. I yearn for the reconciliation of McClurg and Chris. I'm afraid for the safety of Ruby. I anticipate the revelation of Conrad Gohl.
Then there are other mysteries - why does he worry that he's going to see a bloody face in the rear view mirror? Has he been seeing bloody faces in the intervening three years? Whose bloody face? What's with Conrad's Bloody Mary taunting? Did they do some sort of Bloody Mary spell that trapped him in some kind of limbo dimension?
The Twins game is an interesting parallel which I wonder how it will come into play. Is there some kind of alignment here that's important for the magic to work?
Then, there's the all important question of why must Conrad Gohl die now? Which brings me to the question you asked. Your question sheds some light on the story - that Conrad wanted to turn himself into a demon. Why would would he do this? He may be a bully, but this? Maybe an answer to your question is he didn't actually ever intend to take it this far - it was Chris and McClurg that did it to get back at him. Now, with his demonic powers, his bullyish, malevolent potential has been fully realized and is ready to break out on the world.
They've got to stop him ow because whatever inter dimensional barrier is holding him back is weakening against his ever growing strength!
So that's where my mind went with the story and your questions! As far as book and movie recommendations, I haven't read much horror, but, as you know, I do love 80s horror movies! Here are a few of my favorites that are both super fun and have elements you might borrow: Fright Night, Night of the Demons, Night of the Creeps, Pumpkinhead (more scary than the others), House and Trick'R Treat (not 80s, but awesome).
What I like best is how cultured Ruby and McClurg appear. Very Shakespearian. “Burning the right things unmakes our binds of servitude to him as it empowers the sack to unmake him.” " “Good people they be,” she said. “And, more important, fun. So what say you, Aces McClurg? Dost we party our little hearts out and be back in our respective beds before sunup, snoozing like pooches?” Could be Hamlet yelling at a skull. Or MacBeth "a charm of powerful trouble." So, I don't want a fantasy, I want real awful people to commit awful things without turning into a Sci Fy Friday night movie.
How can Chris's bag be burning? Is it some new technology? How can Conrad live behind a steel door for 3 years? I am totally intrigued with the language and the relationships and the very clever foreshadowing. I want Conrad Gohl to be the unjust recipient of whatever Chris and McClurg did to him. I want Ruby to fix it all by being cultured and smart and in complete control. I want it to be a Harold Pinter play at the Guthrie. Most of all, I want to see the next chapters based on the fantastic feed-back from the Write-Fu Crew that preceeded this epistle.
Sorry I’m late with this. I might have mentioned that my elderly parents live with me. My dad had a stroke recently. It took a while for the docs to figure out what it was and they wouldn’t admit him into the hospital until they found something that they could treat. As a result I was taking care of his more personal needs, meaning being with him most of the time, helping him get in and out of his chair, taking him to the bathroom etc. Anyway, my mind has been elsewhere.
Onward.
Way to start right out with the action, Andy! I also loved, “So baggy it had to be empty. It wasn’t empty.” What a great line used the way you used it. I was so intrigued by it. I’ve got to know more. But you don’t give us more of that right off. Masterfully, you give us backstory instead and develop the characters, knowing we’re hooked by the anticipation of finding out what’s in that bag. Fantastic technique. By page 5 I really want to know what’s going on between these two estranged freinds. Who says guys don’t care about relationships?
Andy, before the end of chapter one I’m hooked on this story.
Throughout you continue to masterfully your reveal backstory. It’s truly one of your great strengths, the way you weave it in and use it tantalize rather than just as a way to give important info.
And your use of past tense is really working here. It helps you pack in the emotion that comes from McClurg’s regret of encouraging his girlfriend to go to that party. And it gives you a great device to foreshadow.
And wow, what a great hook at the end.
This story reminds me of the show, Super Natural. It’s about two brothers who deal with supernatural stuff. They’re a team and there’s friction between them in the early shows I saw, and they have to save good people from the baddies. I only watched it a couple of times, but there are similar elements. I think I’d have watched it more over the years but it freaks my wife out too much. Buffy the Vampire Slayer also comes to mind. I tried to think of something that really scared the heck out of me when I was a kid but the only thing that comes to mind is public speaking. That’s probably not very transferable to this story.
Great tone—darkly funny and foreboding. Love your choice of details. The windshield wipers are my favorite. You could even bring this out a little more. You ever see Blood Simple? I haven’t seen it in probably 10 years, but I remember liking it. And I remember in the opening scene that the only sound in an otherwise silent car is the thwacking of the windshield wipers (and the splashing rain).
You’ve also established a great sense of place. The names. The scenic details. The rain. Everything’s working together really well. And most importantly, the characters move around in it well.
And the characters are well drawn, as are the relationships. There’s good chemistry between McClurg and Ruby. Fun and witty and a little ooey-gooey. Great high school stuff. Also love the easy bro-chemistry between Chris and McClurg, even though it’s been interrupted by three years of assholyness. They haven’t exactly picked up where they left off, but they understand each other well—even if they don’t like each other all that much anymore.
Side note: love the name McClurg.
Love the mystery. You’re slowly giving us pieces of a puzzle through flashback snippets and dire deadpans (“But I had to kill someone” or “something we might not die doing”). I think you’re giving us just enough to go on, just enough to keep us turning those pages (just enough mystery, that is—because there’s plenty of great dialogue and personal drama to keep us turning the pages, too!). Also, I like how this is realistically-set but has some fantastical elements (the ghost stories, magical fire, hints about spells and supernatural beings). Well done. Makes the fantastic accessible.
I’ve marked just a few spots in the manuscript where you can maybe let the reader do a little more work--like when Chris unloads on McClurg for the three-year-ditch. A little passive-aggression can go a long way (and be more hurtful) than a soapbox moment, especially given these characters' relationship and demeanors..
But I’m really, really enjoying this, Andy. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
Ri
P.S. Thanks for making Kwik Trip a forever uncomfortable place to go!
I wish I could respond to each bit of great feedback--but there's too much of it!
Please know that you've got my brain crackling again with this story, and I think I know what I'm writing towards now--I have visions of what to write towards.
Oh, Conrad Gohl is going to be SO bad... [I'm not smiling dementedly as I type this or anything].
Okay--HERE is the question I've been mulling about this story: What awful occultish plans could Conrad Gohl have and what awful things could Conrad Gohl have done in order for McClurg (my narrator) and Chris to feel that they MUST kill Conrad? I do have an idea that Conrad used McClurg and Chris in his quest to turn himself into a demon. But why would Conrad want to become a demon? What were/are his motives?
ReplyDeleteAndy,
ReplyDeleteAWESOME 1P voice in KCG. "Hawk of Loss Prevention" "M'ed his eyebrows," "discarded discs of nearly worthless copper or tiny proofs of altruism," "the remarkability was only starting," I could go on and on. Waldemart! Pure joy.
The language is startling and inventive. Puckering Chris, woo-boo! His physiognomy gives an absurd edge to the horror of the story. A sackful of lighter wands to incinerate a monster - like I said, inventive.
You do a great job of building suspense. A key element of this is the way you bounce back and forth between the horrific and the utterly mundane - e.g. your opening line, juxtaposing the killing with a shift at Kwik Trip, and McClurg's memories of THAT NIGHT vs. the Twins game live box score. Even the bit on p. 14 where he's telling Ruby about PC having been his best friend and she's feeding the carp - there's something really creepy about those "carp sucking the white bits off the surface," a lovely creepiness in the middle of this otherwise romantic bit. I think maybe on a subliminal the juxtaposition of mundane and creepy layers on the idea that even in the sweetest scene, there's something horrific lurking just outside the frame.
Ruby Voss: The specificity of what McClurg loves about her is masterful. I will say that in these 20 page she seems too good to be true. Possibly this is a function of his stage of besottedness. I am intrigued to see if she manifests flaws and how that all plays out.
Chris & McClurg: the exquisite pain of adolescent social darwinism. Been on both sides of the bloodshed myself. In these 20 pages it isn't entirely clear why McClurg abandoned Chris. That's okay. Just pointing it out. I can think of reasons that have nothing to do with THAT NIGHT - but you seem to imply it's because of THAT NIGHT. It's an engaging storyline, in any case.
Conrad/Puckering Chris/McCLurg and THAT NIGHT: what I understand is that Conrad somehow turned himself into something demonic. Possibly people were killed in the process. Some part of that started at the convent. Something worse happened at Boller Lake. SO the process took more than one night?
There's not just Demon Conrad but also some evil "them" (p. 9.) All of whom are imprisoned - and presumably mightily pissed about that - behind the iron door set in the dolomite in the bluff.
What I don't get: The classic Passover question - what makes THIS night different from all other nights? Why must THAT NIGHT be set right on THIS NIGHT and only this night? The only thing we know for sure is that a full moon is required. Why did Puckering Chris wait three years? Why can't it be next month?
A quibble with your otherwise brilliant first line: "The night I KNEW we had to kill Conrad Gohl, I took a shift at Kwik Trip. " As I read this, it sounds like McCLurg knew they had to kill Conrad before he took the shift. Which he didn't. SO how about, "The night we had to kill Conrad Gohl, I took a shift at Kwik Trip."
A quibble with your otherwise brilliant second line: "...he had the sack." Makes it sound like McClurg knows all about this sack. Like it's a very special sack. The rest of your description doesn't bear this out.
Why would Conrad want to be demonic?
A) power
B) money
C) girls
For them to want to kill Conrad Gohl, he must have manifested his evil somehow. Dismembered and eaten someone's pet cat? His own pet cat? Shown how vastly transformed he is. What he is capable of. Maybe what he wants and what else he would do to get it?
Hmm. At some point will McClurg have to choose between saving Ruby and saving Chris?
Can't wait to read more!
All the Andrew Cochran flourishes I love are on display here. The vivid, unforgettable characterizations both of people and places, the awesome names, the insane ideas, the texture-giving parallel threads, the engrossing mystery, the emotional heart beat. From the wonderful promise of the title to the funny and unsettling imagining of Puckering Chris, I loved this thing all the way through.
ReplyDeleteAnd it was funny! Humor works so well in horror stories, and it works well here. Being simultaneously aghast and amused is thrilling. I laughed aloud at "His lips centered themselves beneath his nose."
What did they do to Conrad Gohl? I began to wonder on page five. Did they perform some kind of sorcery that turned him into a monster? It seems to me that he was a bully that the two buddies decided to try out one of their occult experiments on out of revenge. It went much farther than they dreamed, and they had to lock the monster away. We'll learn more about the book or spell as the story progresses, including why all the ingredients must be gathered on one night, this night.
You've set up my expectations and yearning splendidly. I yearn for the reconciliation of McClurg and Chris. I'm afraid for the safety of Ruby. I anticipate the revelation of Conrad Gohl.
Then there are other mysteries - why does he worry that he's going to see a bloody face in the rear view mirror? Has he been seeing bloody faces in the intervening three years? Whose bloody face? What's with Conrad's Bloody Mary taunting? Did they do some sort of Bloody Mary spell that trapped him in some kind of limbo dimension?
The Twins game is an interesting parallel which I wonder how it will come into play. Is there some kind of alignment here that's important for the magic to work?
Then, there's the all important question of why must Conrad Gohl die now? Which brings me to the question you asked. Your question sheds some light on the story - that Conrad wanted to turn himself into a demon. Why would would he do this? He may be a bully, but this? Maybe an answer to your question is he didn't actually ever intend to take it this far - it was Chris and McClurg that did it to get back at him. Now, with his demonic powers, his bullyish, malevolent potential has been fully realized and is ready to break out on the world.
They've got to stop him ow because whatever inter dimensional barrier is holding him back is weakening against his ever growing strength!
So that's where my mind went with the story and your questions! As far as book and movie recommendations, I haven't read much horror, but, as you know, I do love 80s horror movies! Here are a few of my favorites that are both super fun and have elements you might borrow: Fright Night, Night of the Demons, Night of the Creeps, Pumpkinhead (more scary than the others), House and Trick'R Treat (not 80s, but awesome).
Coming soon!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like best is how cultured Ruby and McClurg appear. Very Shakespearian. “Burning the right things unmakes our binds of servitude to him as it empowers the sack to unmake him.” " “Good people they be,” she said. “And, more important, fun. So what say you, Aces McClurg? Dost we party our little hearts out and be back in our respective beds before sunup, snoozing like pooches?”
ReplyDeleteCould be Hamlet yelling at a skull. Or MacBeth "a charm of powerful trouble." So, I don't want a fantasy, I want real awful people to commit awful things without turning into a Sci Fy Friday night movie.
How can Chris's bag be burning? Is it some new technology? How can Conrad live behind a steel door for 3 years? I am totally intrigued with the language and the relationships and the very clever foreshadowing. I want Conrad Gohl to be the unjust recipient of whatever Chris and McClurg did to him. I want Ruby to fix it all by being cultured and smart and in complete control. I want it to be a Harold Pinter play at the Guthrie. Most of all, I want to see the next chapters based on the fantastic feed-back from the Write-Fu Crew that preceeded this epistle.
Sorry I’m late with this. I might have mentioned that my elderly parents live with me. My dad had a stroke recently. It took a while for the docs to figure out what it was and they wouldn’t admit him into the hospital until they found something that they could treat. As a result I was taking care of his more personal needs, meaning being with him most of the time, helping him get in and out of his chair, taking him to the bathroom etc. Anyway, my mind has been elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteOnward.
Way to start right out with the action, Andy!
I also loved, “So baggy it had to be empty. It wasn’t empty.” What a great line used the way you used it. I was so intrigued by it. I’ve got to know more. But you don’t give us more of that right off. Masterfully, you give us backstory instead and develop the characters, knowing we’re hooked by the anticipation of finding out what’s in that bag. Fantastic technique. By page 5 I really want to know what’s going on between these two estranged freinds. Who says guys don’t care about relationships?
Andy, before the end of chapter one I’m hooked on this story.
Throughout you continue to masterfully your reveal backstory. It’s truly one of your great strengths, the way you weave it in and use it tantalize rather than just as a way to give important info.
And your use of past tense is really working here. It helps you pack in the emotion that comes from McClurg’s regret of encouraging his girlfriend to go to that party. And it gives you a great device to foreshadow.
And wow, what a great hook at the end.
This story reminds me of the show, Super Natural. It’s about two brothers who deal with supernatural stuff. They’re a team and there’s friction between them in the early shows I saw, and they have to save good people from the baddies. I only watched it a couple of times, but there are similar elements. I think I’d have watched it more over the years but it freaks my wife out too much. Buffy the Vampire Slayer also comes to mind. I tried to think of something that really scared the heck out of me when I was a kid but the only thing that comes to mind is public speaking. That’s probably not very transferable to this story.
Andy-
ReplyDeleteGreat tone—darkly funny and foreboding. Love your choice of details. The windshield wipers are my favorite. You could even bring this out a little more. You ever see Blood Simple? I haven’t seen it in probably 10 years, but I remember liking it. And I remember in the opening scene that the only sound in an otherwise silent car is the thwacking of the windshield wipers (and the splashing rain).
You’ve also established a great sense of place. The names. The scenic details. The rain. Everything’s working together really well. And most importantly, the characters move around in it well.
And the characters are well drawn, as are the relationships. There’s good chemistry between McClurg and Ruby. Fun and witty and a little ooey-gooey. Great high school stuff. Also love the easy bro-chemistry between Chris and McClurg, even though it’s been interrupted by three years of assholyness. They haven’t exactly picked up where they left off, but they understand each other well—even if they don’t like each other all that much anymore.
Side note: love the name McClurg.
Love the mystery. You’re slowly giving us pieces of a puzzle through flashback snippets and dire deadpans (“But I had to kill someone” or “something we might not die doing”). I think you’re giving us just enough to go on, just enough to keep us turning those pages (just enough mystery, that is—because there’s plenty of great dialogue and personal drama to keep us turning the pages, too!). Also, I like how this is realistically-set but has some fantastical elements (the ghost stories, magical fire, hints about spells and supernatural beings). Well done. Makes the fantastic accessible.
I’ve marked just a few spots in the manuscript where you can maybe let the reader do a little more work--like when Chris unloads on McClurg for the three-year-ditch. A little passive-aggression can go a long way (and be more hurtful) than a soapbox moment, especially given these characters' relationship and demeanors..
But I’m really, really enjoying this, Andy. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
Ri
P.S. Thanks for making Kwik Trip a forever uncomfortable place to go!
Wonderful comments, everyone! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could respond to each bit of great feedback--but there's too much of it!
Please know that you've got my brain crackling again with this story, and I think I know what I'm writing towards now--I have visions of what to write towards.
Oh, Conrad Gohl is going to be SO bad... [I'm not smiling dementedly as I type this or anything].
Thank you all!!!