You’re doing an especially wonderful job of evoking time and place and milieu, and you do this through the details you choose. Details like All-Bran and Lucky Strike and that fact that Thomas smokes indoors, even while shaving; the engraving on the watch, the carbon paper that leaves blue smudges on Liam’s hands, and the detail of Thomas putting on a suit coat before leaving for work.
Bill, you evoke this time and place so well, so vividly, that as I’m reading I feel I’ve time-traveled. One of reading’s basic pleasures is having a world conjured around us, and a good fiction writer is like a magician. Only the fiction writer can lead us into the past, into the future, into worlds that exist nowhere else but in the writer’s imagination. And you, Bill, are doing a wonderful job of conjuring this world. I have a hunch that you really enjoy being in this world, and that you’re fascinated with exploring it and rendering it on the page. I urge you to keep at it, because inhabiting this world as a reader is an adventure—a peculiar, absorbing adventure since the world you render is so realistic.
You also do a masterful job of conveying the intensity of guilt that a child might feel for disobeying. Children feel things intensely, guilt with special intensity. What dread I remember feeling when I knew that my parents were going to find out about something bad I did (not that I did many bad things, I assure you!)! I feel compelled to quote the passage in which Liam realizes that he’s broken the watch and can’t fix it: “The airy sense of discovery and accomplishment dissolved. Sweat erupted on his upper lip and temples. His hands appeared to be paws as he opened the dresser and shoved the broken watch under as many handkerchiefs as he could pile on and still close the drawer” (page 6). What writing! I especially love the word choice of “erupted”—sweating is a minute action, unless you’re panicking, and then the sweat does erupt! And the second-last line of the chapter: “He wanted to scour the sin off his soul” (7). Boom! Emotional power and writing technique synergize here for tremendous effect.
Having read this far into the story, questions are urging me to read on, read on. What happened to Michael Stone? Why does Thomas Stone forget about playing catch when Michael Stone’s friend call—in other words, why is Michael Stone’s friend calling so important? Liam has an intense guilt over breaking the watch’s hinge, and I wonder how that affects his relationship with his father. And I wonder about the arc of Liam’s relationship with his father—what’s going to happen? How will they end up?
I’ve heard Jane Resh Thomas say something to this effect about conflict: Push it as far you can, farther than you feel you should dare, as far as you possibly can—and then MAYBE you’ve pushed it far enough. Your story has such powerful emotional undercurrents—I can feel that the emotions here are huge. As you write, drive the conflict. Have the characters act out. Have them MAKE SCENES.
Also intense is Liam’s desire to mature—on page 1 he’s asking to hold the watch. He wants to be capable, he wants to be mature, he wants to prove himself, and I imagine that he’s growing up at a time when there are high expectations for children maturing.
This is a special story, Bill. It will turn out to be unlike anything else, and I know it’s in good hands. It’s your story, Bill! Keep going, keep going, keep going!!!
Thank you for your comments! I hadn't thought of this story as more than a horrible experience for a curious boy.
Maybe there is more.
The message I have to share is that curiosity can't be taught, it has to be nurtured. It also is a necessity in today's rapidly changing e-world. Kids in school, elementary through under-grad, are preparing for jobs that don't exist.
My comments on the Ghoul will come shortly.
It is very interesting to me that some of the best writing we share is in these comments.
What a gem this story is. Like Andy, I feel I’ve time-traveled. It feels old-fashioned, in a good way, like it’s set in the 60’s, like if it were a movie, it’d be in black and white. I can see the cigarette smoke curling and filling the bathroom, the cigarette itself smoldering in the glass tray. If almost feels like the opening to a Bradbury or Padgett story--or maybe an episode of The Twiglight Zone. Remarkably, remarkably well done!
I also agree with Andy that Liam’s actions and reactions ring true—from the curiosity he feels and his eagerness to hold the object to his eventual panic when things go wrong.
You’ve communicated so much about this world and about these characters with just a few carefully-selected details. Awesome, awesome work. I also love how you let us figure out on our own what the “object” is through your description before you actually, explicitly, name it.
Oh, and you’ve got some breathtaking one-liners, like when you capture Liam’s heartbreak and panic so perfectly in the moment: “The airy sense of discovery and accomplishment dissolved.” Or when you communicate his guilt with, “He wanted the light to scour the sin off his soul.” Or, “Liam expected Father Conlin to put the watch on the altar for the whole church to see.”
A few questions:
What happened to Thursday? Or, what happened ON Thursday? What if he spends Wednesday desperately wanting to look in the drawer, but restrains himself, but finally gives into the temptation on Thursday? Would the objects allure/cache increase even more?
Are there more people in the opening scene than just Mary Margaret , Thomas Stone, and Liam? There’s a reference to “everyone” around the table, but no one else is mentioned specifically. Also, this line, “Best day ever, except for meeting Mary Marget,” could maybe be a little clearer. After reading the story twice (and this particular line several times), I now realize that Thomas is saying the day he received the watch (or won the championship) was the best day of his life, other than the day that he met his wife. But the first few times I read it, I thought he was saying today was the best day ever (EXCEPT for the unfortunate fact that he met Mary Margaret today). This is easily fixed.
Wasn't Liam's birthday on Friday? Perhaps it's just part of the story that everyone seems to forget (including Liam himself, who is too guilt-stricken to be bothered with remembering his own birthday). So, it's fine to forget the birthday, but I think at some point, someone should realize it was forgotten. Maybe Mary Margaret?
I’m not sure who Michael Stone is. Did I miss something?
I must stress: the above questions are minor details that can easily be tweaked for clarification. The story itself is sound and beautiful. It has such astrong sense of time and place, and such a strong voice, and such high stakes. I am hooked, and I want to know more. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! And I agree with Andy: keep ramping up that tension, push the conflict to its apex. Let the characters do what they'll do!
Thank you for sharing, Bill. This story made my morning!
Michael is dad. These questions urge me to keep going. I am not sure where, but it has to do with taking chances and trusting yourself. Liam has no clue how skilled, smart, or talented he is. He is afraid of tomorrow. If only he can stay in the moment.
I have to keep going just to find out what happens to this kid, his dad, mom, a few friends.
Thank you for your focus and attention. You see with the ears of a writer.
I might need to read the excerpt again. I thought that Thomas was dad (not Michael)? Or are Michael and Thomas the same person?
Something else I forgot to mention in earlier comments, though, is that I love the character names. Strong. Traditional. Evocative of time and place. This story feels so authentic. Can't wait to see how Liam develops.
Novel. I want to take Liam to a level that allows him to see taking a chance on his own ability or curiosity as a good thing. Right now he has no faith in his own being. Hard to explain. More of a very abstract idea that I need to push into reality.
What I love about this story is that it’s about something small that is actually very, very big. It’s just a watch. It’s not about saving the world, or even saving a single person or even a cat. It’s not about saving anything tangible at all since that small amount of damage to the watch is actually pretty insignificant. It’s just a watch, but it’s not just a watch. The damage to the it is small, but the boy’s terror and conflict is very big and so real world. This kind of thing could happen to just about any kid, and at some point something similar probably does happen to most kids. In other words they're going to relate.
I want to know how this kid, who could have been any of us, is going to cope with his father’s anger, disappointment in his son and loss of a beloved object? How is Liam going to deal with what may also be his father’s loss of trust in him? What will he do if this is one of those incidents that cause such hurt that they can’t be fixed; even if the watch can be? What makes this situation more poignant still is that this boy loves and admires his father so much. This doesn’t appear to be some deadbeat or usually abusive dad. This father and son seem to love each other and enjoy spending time together. Liam could be afraid that because of his actions he is losing the thing he cherishes the most; his relationship with his dad.
As with most drafts, there may be some opportunities for tightening. Besides Rilie’s comments, what do you think of eliminating the last sentence in Chapter 3? You did such a good job letting us know how Liam feels up to that point that I already clearly understood he didn’t want to tell his mom or dad what he’d done. And the sentence before is so powerful, “He wanted the light to scour the sin off his soul.” What a great way to end the chapter.
As I read I kind of wondered how this story would read in third person but more from Liam’s point of view. Somehow you managed to make it very emotionally impactful as it is, but since it is an emotionally charged piece you may be able make it even more emotionally powerful through Liam’s eyes. Just something to think about.
I love that in Liam you gave us a protagonist who is so full of integrity and so incredibly brave. He knew what that watch meant to his dad and that his dad would be way upset. But he fessed up anyway.
I agree with Andy and Rilie that you have great details that help make the story more alive. And bravo on the last scene. Where Liam tells his dad he broke the watch is intense. I felt like his dad was so upset he could do anything and, in that moment, commit any act of violence. I was relieved that he only went upstairs, but even that was, as you wrote, “as sharp and painful as a belt across his backside.” And I’ll tell you what, I wanted to read on.
Thank you for your insight. I am actually taking all that has been said, revising, and working on the next chapter today. Wouldn't happen without the team.
Have any of you thought about adding to the group? Writers you have met at the regroupings in St. Paul?
On page 9,Riley asked me who Michael Stone is. Please excuse the typo. That line should say "The phone rang, it was Ralph Whelan, a friend of Thomas Stone." Not Michael Stone. Liam's father is Thomas. Michael now disappears.
All of us boys can remember and identify with "the object." Dad's watch immediately harkens us to powerful, endowed objects from our childhood or ones that we remember our parents had. I think the idea of an object being so meaningful to someone is very easy for a child to understand. Children breath life into their stuffed animals and easily believe in magic, so they get the importance of a special "thing." What you've done here, telling an emotionally-true story of a father-son relationship, articulating complex, deep feelings of love, fear and yearning for attention and affirmation, is memorably successful because of the palpable significance of the object.
Of course Liam wants to explore the mystery of this thing that seems to hold his dad's happiness. I can see why Thursday has been skipped. A day of absolute dread and mysery, going by in an eternal blur. I like that he decides to tell his dad about it. It's too much dread to bear. I wonder if he can decide to tell him earlier and if you can draw out the tension of the impending meeting of doom a bit longer?
His dad's reaction is more painful to me than if he had lashed out in physical violence. The utter feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-hatred Liam must feel in that moment. Like it was a mistake he was even born. No words can describe how horrible that feeling is - especially when it comes from your father. That's why you've described it with an image, an object, a broken watch. And a quiet reaction, more painful than a belt across his backside.
Will Liam run away? Will Thomas Stone take him aside the next day and forgive him? Will their relationship grow as they fix the broken watch together? Will another character enter the story with a different problem which puts the current transgression into proper perspective?
Whatever happens, I'm eager to read on, andd privileged to have enjoyed these first pages!
Bill,
ReplyDeleteYou’re doing an especially wonderful job of evoking time and place and milieu, and you do this through the details you choose. Details like All-Bran and Lucky Strike and that fact that Thomas smokes indoors, even while shaving; the engraving on the watch, the carbon paper that leaves blue smudges on Liam’s hands, and the detail of Thomas putting on a suit coat before leaving for work.
Bill, you evoke this time and place so well, so vividly, that as I’m reading I feel I’ve time-traveled. One of reading’s basic pleasures is having a world conjured around us, and a good fiction writer is like a magician. Only the fiction writer can lead us into the past, into the future, into worlds that exist nowhere else but in the writer’s imagination. And you, Bill, are doing a wonderful job of conjuring this world. I have a hunch that you really enjoy being in this world, and that you’re fascinated with exploring it and rendering it on the page. I urge you to keep at it, because inhabiting this world as a reader is an adventure—a peculiar, absorbing adventure since the world you render is so realistic.
You also do a masterful job of conveying the intensity of guilt that a child might feel for disobeying. Children feel things intensely, guilt with special intensity. What dread I remember feeling when I knew that my parents were going to find out about something bad I did (not that I did many bad things, I assure you!)! I feel compelled to quote the passage in which Liam realizes that he’s broken the watch and can’t fix it: “The airy sense of discovery and accomplishment dissolved. Sweat erupted on his upper lip and temples. His hands appeared to be paws as he opened the dresser and shoved the broken watch under as many handkerchiefs as he could pile on and still close the drawer” (page 6). What writing! I especially love the word choice of “erupted”—sweating is a minute action, unless you’re panicking, and then the sweat does erupt! And the second-last line of the chapter: “He wanted to scour the sin off his soul” (7). Boom! Emotional power and writing technique synergize here for tremendous effect.
Having read this far into the story, questions are urging me to read on, read on. What happened to Michael Stone? Why does Thomas Stone forget about playing catch when Michael Stone’s friend call—in other words, why is Michael Stone’s friend calling so important? Liam has an intense guilt over breaking the watch’s hinge, and I wonder how that affects his relationship with his father. And I wonder about the arc of Liam’s relationship with his father—what’s going to happen? How will they end up?
I’ve heard Jane Resh Thomas say something to this effect about conflict: Push it as far you can, farther than you feel you should dare, as far as you possibly can—and then MAYBE you’ve pushed it far enough. Your story has such powerful emotional undercurrents—I can feel that the emotions here are huge. As you write, drive the conflict. Have the characters act out. Have them MAKE SCENES.
Also intense is Liam’s desire to mature—on page 1 he’s asking to hold the watch. He wants to be capable, he wants to be mature, he wants to prove himself, and I imagine that he’s growing up at a time when there are high expectations for children maturing.
This is a special story, Bill. It will turn out to be unlike anything else, and I know it’s in good hands. It’s your story, Bill! Keep going, keep going, keep going!!!
--Andy
Thank you for your comments! I hadn't thought of this story as more than a horrible experience for a curious boy.
DeleteMaybe there is more.
The message I have to share is that curiosity can't be taught, it has to be nurtured. It also is a necessity in today's rapidly changing e-world. Kids in school, elementary through under-grad, are preparing for jobs that don't exist.
My comments on the Ghoul will come shortly.
It is very interesting to me that some of the best writing we share is in these comments.
Bill
Bill-
ReplyDeleteWhat a gem this story is. Like Andy, I feel I’ve time-traveled. It feels old-fashioned, in a good way, like it’s set in the 60’s, like if it were a movie, it’d be in black and white. I can see the cigarette smoke curling and filling the bathroom, the cigarette itself smoldering in the glass tray. If almost feels like the opening to a Bradbury or Padgett story--or maybe an episode of The Twiglight Zone. Remarkably, remarkably well done!
I also agree with Andy that Liam’s actions and reactions ring true—from the curiosity he feels and his eagerness to hold the object to his eventual panic when things go wrong.
You’ve communicated so much about this world and about these characters with just a few carefully-selected details. Awesome, awesome work. I also love how you let us figure out on our own what the “object” is through your description before you actually, explicitly, name it.
Oh, and you’ve got some breathtaking one-liners, like when you capture Liam’s heartbreak and panic so perfectly in the moment: “The airy sense of discovery and accomplishment dissolved.” Or when you communicate his guilt with, “He wanted the light to scour the sin off his soul.” Or, “Liam expected Father Conlin to put the watch on the altar for the whole church to see.”
A few questions:
What happened to Thursday? Or, what happened ON Thursday? What if he spends Wednesday desperately wanting to look in the drawer, but restrains himself, but finally gives into the temptation on Thursday? Would the objects allure/cache increase even more?
Are there more people in the opening scene than just Mary Margaret , Thomas Stone, and Liam? There’s a reference to “everyone” around the table, but no one else is mentioned specifically. Also, this line, “Best day ever, except for meeting Mary Marget,” could maybe be a little clearer. After reading the story twice (and this particular line several times), I now realize that Thomas is saying the day he received the watch (or won the championship) was the best day of his life, other than the day that he met his wife. But the first few times I read it, I thought he was saying today was the best day ever (EXCEPT for the unfortunate fact that he met Mary Margaret today). This is easily fixed.
Wasn't Liam's birthday on Friday? Perhaps it's just part of the story that everyone seems to forget (including Liam himself, who is too guilt-stricken to be bothered with remembering his own birthday). So, it's fine to forget the birthday, but I think at some point, someone should realize it was forgotten. Maybe Mary Margaret?
I’m not sure who Michael Stone is. Did I miss something?
I must stress: the above questions are minor details that can easily be tweaked for clarification. The story itself is sound and beautiful. It has such astrong sense of time and place, and such a strong voice, and such high stakes. I am hooked, and I want to know more. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! And I agree with Andy: keep ramping up that tension, push the conflict to its apex. Let the characters do what they'll do!
Thank you for sharing, Bill. This story made my morning!
Riley
Riley,
DeleteMichael is dad. These questions urge me to keep going. I am not sure where, but it has to do with taking chances and trusting yourself. Liam has no clue how skilled, smart, or talented he is. He is afraid of tomorrow. If only he can stay in the moment.
I have to keep going just to find out what happens to this kid, his dad, mom, a few friends.
Thank you for your focus and attention. You see with the ears of a writer.
Bill
Thanks Bill,
DeleteI might need to read the excerpt again. I thought that Thomas was dad (not Michael)? Or are Michael and Thomas the same person?
Something else I forgot to mention in earlier comments, though, is that I love the character names. Strong. Traditional. Evocative of time and place. This story feels so authentic. Can't wait to see how Liam develops.
Riley
Bill, one question: What do you envision this piece as? A short story or a novel? (I wonder if that might change how I read it and respond to it.)
ReplyDeleteAndy,
ReplyDeleteNovel. I want to take Liam to a level that allows him to see taking a chance on his own ability or curiosity as a good thing. Right now he has no faith in his own being. Hard to explain. More of a very abstract idea that I need to push into reality.
Bill
ReplyDeleteBill,
I made these comments as though Thomas is dad.
What I love about this story is that it’s about something small that is actually very, very big. It’s just a watch. It’s not about saving the world, or even saving a single person or even a cat. It’s not about saving anything tangible at all since that small amount of damage to the watch is actually pretty insignificant. It’s just a watch, but it’s not just a watch. The damage to the it is small, but the boy’s terror and conflict is very big and so real world. This kind of thing could happen to just about any kid, and at some point something similar probably does happen to most kids. In other words they're going to relate.
I want to know how this kid, who could have been any of us, is going to cope with his father’s anger, disappointment in his son and loss of a beloved object? How is Liam going to deal with what may also be his father’s loss of trust in him? What will he do if this is one of those incidents that cause such hurt that they can’t be fixed; even if the watch can be? What makes this situation more poignant still is that this boy loves and admires his father so much. This doesn’t appear to be some deadbeat or usually abusive dad. This father and son seem to love each other and enjoy spending time together. Liam could be afraid that because of his actions he is losing the thing he cherishes the most; his relationship with his dad.
As with most drafts, there may be some opportunities for tightening. Besides Rilie’s comments, what do you think of eliminating the last sentence in Chapter 3? You did such a good job letting us know how Liam feels up to that point that I already clearly understood he didn’t want to tell his mom or dad what he’d done. And the sentence before is so powerful, “He wanted the light to scour the sin off his soul.” What a great way to end the chapter.
As I read I kind of wondered how this story would read in third person but more from Liam’s point of view. Somehow you managed to make it very emotionally impactful as it is, but since it is an emotionally charged piece you may be able make it even more emotionally powerful through Liam’s eyes. Just something to think about.
I love that in Liam you gave us a protagonist who is so full of integrity and so incredibly brave. He knew what that watch meant to his dad and that his dad would be way upset. But he fessed up anyway.
I agree with Andy and Rilie that you have great details that help make the story more alive. And bravo on the last scene. Where Liam tells his dad he broke the watch is intense. I felt like his dad was so upset he could do anything and, in that moment, commit any act of violence. I was relieved that he only went upstairs, but even that was, as you wrote, “as sharp and painful as a belt across his backside.” And I’ll tell you what, I wanted to read on.
Alan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insight. I am actually taking all that has been said, revising, and working on the next chapter today. Wouldn't happen without the team.
Have any of you thought about adding to the group? Writers you have met at the regroupings in St. Paul?
Bill
On page 9,Riley asked me who Michael Stone is. Please excuse the typo. That line should say "The phone rang, it was Ralph Whelan, a friend of Thomas Stone." Not Michael Stone. Liam's father is Thomas. Michael now disappears.
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteAll of us boys can remember and identify with "the object." Dad's watch immediately harkens us to powerful, endowed objects from our childhood or ones that we remember our parents had. I think the idea of an object being so meaningful to someone is very easy for a child to understand. Children breath life into their stuffed animals and easily believe in magic, so they get the importance of a special "thing." What you've done here, telling an emotionally-true story of a father-son relationship, articulating complex, deep feelings of love, fear and yearning for attention and affirmation, is memorably successful because of the palpable significance of the object.
Of course Liam wants to explore the mystery of this thing that seems to hold his dad's happiness. I can see why Thursday has been skipped. A day of absolute dread and mysery, going by in an eternal blur. I like that he decides to tell his dad about it. It's too much dread to bear. I wonder if he can decide to tell him earlier and if you can draw out the tension of the impending meeting of doom a bit longer?
His dad's reaction is more painful to me than if he had lashed out in physical violence. The utter feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-hatred Liam must feel in that moment. Like it was a mistake he was even born. No words can describe how horrible that feeling is - especially when it comes from your father. That's why you've described it with an image, an object, a broken watch. And a quiet reaction, more painful than a belt across his backside.
Will Liam run away? Will Thomas Stone take him aside the next day and forgive him? Will their relationship grow as they fix the broken watch together? Will another character enter the story with a different problem which puts the current transgression into proper perspective?
Whatever happens, I'm eager to read on, andd privileged to have enjoyed these first pages!
Dave
Amazing writing and analysis from all. Thank you!
ReplyDelete