I could use help finding opportunities to give it more punch, make it more clear, and to
trim it without sacrificing anything important. Any comments are always
appreciated.
All I can do for you is point out the obvious. Your characters voices are unique, weird, today and magnetic. After reading the Ninja Training Manual I think you need a video to accompany it on the shelf and for direction to the director of the movie. It should go direct to the screen, maybe Netflix will pick it up and do 13 episodes. I am not kidding. They need kid content and this is perfect. If I knew somebody there, I'd offer to be your agent. Now that I am on this thread, let me say that the images conjured up by your masterful dialog are as visible as anything I have read in literary fiction where the narrative is filled with smashing thunder, soft and gooey streets during the summer, water rushing into the cab of the engine that just swerved off the track...
Dan Jones has a high opinion of himself that all boys wish they had, but of course he has a special talent given to him by his missing father. Ahh, the missing father. Love it. Universal fear for boy kids.
You treat the reader with respect, not giving things away, letting them figure out the next step, but always surprising them with a president, a principle that recruits secret agents at the age of 11. And, there is emotion shown by eyes and subtle words; "Be my hero."
Is the story set in Mountain View, Ca.? Right next to Foothill College? Great place for a high tech mystery with a super hero.
Your non-dialog narrative is worthy of comment. "I managed to swim to the surface of the living flood and get a breath of air." This is filled with emotion while not telling us.
How long has dad been gone is one question that may need to be answered. But, that is your call.
Dan's mom working on-line fits the Mountain View, Los Altos, San Jose, neighborhood. Makes the story contemporary.
Check the quotes when the two guys say "May we please have our guns back".....
I actually cheered when I got to "I am Ninja Master." I knew Dan was in good hands.
I can't wait to see how he uses his smart phone.
I am sorry Alan that I can't help you make this better. I hope Andy, Riley and Dave can stop laughing long enough to find some suggestions for what to cut, what to add, rearrange etc.
Now, I am next, and haven't started. But I promise not to be too late. I think I am inspired.
Spys!? And Ninjas!? And disappearing principals!? This is fabulous. You’re off to a great start with yet another exciting, intensely humorous middle grade novel. The voice is very strong and very funny, and the characters are fresh and interesting. I especially love the principal and the banter she shares with Dan. She’s a principal we’d all love having—witty, in the know, intelligent, fair, and extremely old.
And Amy Walker is awesome. Love everything about her, like how she slugs Dan for looking at Samantha, or how she walks home with him and Hunter, even though she lives across town, or how she’s a much “younger woman” because she’s like 14 months Dan’s junior. And I love how Dan’s interactions with her (and his explanation of her to the reader) are so simultaneously deadpan/hilarious and tender/sweet. He obviously cares about her, but she also annoys him!
There are a couple spots that are a little heavy with exposition or a little light on development, but that’s A-OK for an early draft like this. Especially since you’ve already done the most important things: develop a unique, thoughtful, and funny protagonist and thrust him into an unexpected (and not altogether desired) “hero-dom.” Now keep going, keep going, keep going! Just let the rest of the story flow from Dan’s amazing voice. Be true to it. Don’t worry about explaining too much. Just follow where it leads.
I’ll send along an annotated manuscript shortly. Mostly it just highlights some of my favorite parts of the draft, but it also addresses your desire to provide the story with more punch and clarity (mostly just by cutting a little exposition here and there). Keep up the awesome work, Alan! The story is so fun!
Just echoing the things have Bill and Riley have said!
As Riley mentioned, Dan Jones is a wonderful protagonist, with lots of interesting personality traits. As Bill says, Dan Jones has a high opinion of himself--I think he thinks he's capable, and in this he's confident. But he's not overconfident or conceited--he acknowledges the mistakes he makes as the story moves along and he even jokes about them. I think his sense of humor empowers him to push on when things get tough.
Also, as Riley points out, you can trust Dan Jones's voice! What a voice! His voice emerges from his fascinating, likable, admirable personality, so he's going to keep saying interesting things and telling interesting story.
Your ability to create such voice comes through in other characters, too. As Bill says, the dialogue is masterful.
Reading NEIGHBORHOOD NINJA has inspired me, too, Bill! All we're trying to do here is tell good stories, and I'm invigorated by reading what you guys come up with! As Riley said, this story, Alan, is FUN!
Alan,
ReplyDeleteAll I can do for you is point out the obvious. Your characters voices are unique, weird, today and magnetic. After reading the Ninja Training Manual I think you need a video to accompany it on the shelf and for direction to the director of the movie. It should go direct to the screen, maybe Netflix will pick it up and do 13 episodes. I am not kidding. They need kid content and this is perfect. If I knew somebody there, I'd offer to be your agent. Now that I am on this thread, let me say that the images conjured up by your masterful dialog are as visible as anything I have read in literary fiction where the narrative is filled with smashing thunder, soft and gooey streets during the summer, water rushing into the cab of the engine that just swerved off the track...
Dan Jones has a high opinion of himself that all boys wish they had, but of course he has a special talent given to him by his missing father. Ahh, the missing father. Love it. Universal fear for boy kids.
You treat the reader with respect, not giving things away, letting them figure out the next step, but always surprising them with a president, a principle that recruits secret agents at the age of 11. And, there is emotion shown by eyes and subtle words; "Be my hero."
Is the story set in Mountain View, Ca.? Right next to Foothill College? Great place for a high tech mystery with a super hero.
Your non-dialog narrative is worthy of comment. "I managed to swim to the surface of the living flood and get a breath of air." This is filled with emotion while not telling us.
How long has dad been gone is one question that may need to be answered. But, that is your call.
Dan's mom working on-line fits the Mountain View, Los Altos, San Jose, neighborhood. Makes the story contemporary.
Check the quotes when the two guys say "May we please have our guns back".....
I actually cheered when I got to "I am Ninja Master." I knew Dan was in good hands.
I can't wait to see how he uses his smart phone.
I am sorry Alan that I can't help you make this better. I hope Andy, Riley and Dave can stop laughing long enough to find some suggestions for what to cut, what to add, rearrange etc.
Now, I am next, and haven't started. But I promise not to be too late. I think I am inspired.
Alan,
ReplyDeleteSpys!? And Ninjas!? And disappearing principals!? This is fabulous. You’re off to a great start with yet another exciting, intensely humorous middle grade novel. The voice is very strong and very funny, and the characters are fresh and interesting. I especially love the principal and the banter she shares with Dan. She’s a principal we’d all love having—witty, in the know, intelligent, fair, and extremely old.
And Amy Walker is awesome. Love everything about her, like how she slugs Dan for looking at Samantha, or how she walks home with him and Hunter, even though she lives across town, or how she’s a much “younger woman” because she’s like 14 months Dan’s junior. And I love how Dan’s interactions with her (and his explanation of her to the reader) are so simultaneously deadpan/hilarious and tender/sweet. He obviously cares about her, but she also annoys him!
There are a couple spots that are a little heavy with exposition or a little light on development, but that’s A-OK for an early draft like this. Especially since you’ve already done the most important things: develop a unique, thoughtful, and funny protagonist and thrust him into an unexpected (and not altogether desired) “hero-dom.” Now keep going, keep going, keep going! Just let the rest of the story flow from Dan’s amazing voice. Be true to it. Don’t worry about explaining too much. Just follow where it leads.
I’ll send along an annotated manuscript shortly. Mostly it just highlights some of my favorite parts of the draft, but it also addresses your desire to provide the story with more punch and clarity (mostly just by cutting a little exposition here and there). Keep up the awesome work, Alan! The story is so fun!
Thanks for sharing!
Write on!
Ri
Alan,
ReplyDeleteJust echoing the things have Bill and Riley have said!
As Riley mentioned, Dan Jones is a wonderful protagonist, with lots of interesting personality traits. As Bill says, Dan Jones has a high opinion of himself--I think he thinks he's capable, and in this he's confident. But he's not overconfident or conceited--he acknowledges the mistakes he makes as the story moves along and he even jokes about them. I think his sense of humor empowers him to push on when things get tough.
Also, as Riley points out, you can trust Dan Jones's voice! What a voice! His voice emerges from his fascinating, likable, admirable personality, so he's going to keep saying interesting things and telling interesting story.
Your ability to create such voice comes through in other characters, too. As Bill says, the dialogue is masterful.
Reading NEIGHBORHOOD NINJA has inspired me, too, Bill! All we're trying to do here is tell good stories, and I'm invigorated by reading what you guys come up with! As Riley said, this story, Alan, is FUN!
Thank you for sharing!