Hello, fellows!
I've emailed you some of The Ghoul, this section from a new draft. Dayne Carmichael (his name in former drafts was Nick Bannon Somethingorother) has, in the first few chapters, come to a dead end in his search for his mother's killer.
In this chapter, the search is very much back on...
Please let me know what's working, what isn't, what possibilities are here, what's confusing/could be clearer, and what your Spidey-storytelling sense is telling you about how this story's going!
Thank you, guys!!!
Andy
I've emailed you some of The Ghoul, this section from a new draft. Dayne Carmichael (his name in former drafts was Nick Bannon Somethingorother) has, in the first few chapters, come to a dead end in his search for his mother's killer.
In this chapter, the search is very much back on...
Please let me know what's working, what isn't, what possibilities are here, what's confusing/could be clearer, and what your Spidey-storytelling sense is telling you about how this story's going!
Thank you, guys!!!
Andy
Andy, 7.28.13
ReplyDeleteZombisylum is back, the day after the first Zombi Walk in Jamestown to raise money for the Humane Society. I find this very interesting.
Dayne Carmichael is looking for his mom. Google must have gotten ahold of an old draft. They are trying to create what you have forecasted for “thermal-imaging” mode and “tallied reports” in your lenses. Patent infringement?
I applaud you for living in the future.
I can’t get out of the past.
But I see language that creates fear,
“I can’t bear that moment when I’m massaging shampoo into my hair and I have to shut my eyes,” “so I leave the light on.” Lines that could be used in 1955 or 2155.
The settings change, the emotions don’t. The story changes, the themes don’t. Instead of phones ringing or vibrating, gecko-bots swarm around.
I like the present tense action, “I whip-snap to my feet.” Others might jump, but not with the same dexterity and speed. Seems that everything in Dayne’s world is accelerated. That alone is scary.
And the intonation of government spying, no privacy, “scattering gecko bots and those programmed to always remain in their positions scan the yard,,,,,,,” The grand-son of Jim Caviezel, Person of Interest, could appear soon to help Dayne in his quest. Is the theme of the novel, “Search for dead mother?” I am intrigued by the idea that there are only a few themes worthy of our writing and am always asking myself what is the theme and is it carried through the plot lines.
Andy, you are calling on today’s paradigm’s with tomorrows reality. That keeps it within the reach of the good reader. I had a teacher, Allison McGhee, who said we always write for good readers.” It helps us push forward.
I see more references to today’s politics and pop culture. CSI; “The list of pollens and spores and pollutants and tiny airborne organisms explodes far to the right in my vision.”
Mom is an essential part of the theme and plot lines. I watch for her to come back, no matter how many times you or Dayne declare her dead.
The voice makes me think of Anthony Hopkins, most recently in RED2. “I want to share her with you…..of all those she knew, of all those she knew—I alone know.” Scary.
I also sense elements of Farenheit 451 – “Pull my helmet on and grab my handheld from the bed……” Is Dayne out to revenge, save, kill, change the world, or just see his mom again?
On page 15, I write, (in present tense) “I’m guessing here, she is alive.” By the middle of page 18, I know she is alive. “Red hair stirs in soft currents circulating the grow bath. The skin suit (oh my) floats in the purplish liquid…..”
Only in this group.
Brilliant. Keep her alive.
Bill
Andy,
DeleteYou’ve done a fantastic job with this version of Ghoul. I totally buy in that the world you’ve built could be our own future reality. The technology you’ve invented is cool, not just because of what it can do but also because it seems like such a natural result of continued improvements on today’s cool gadget technology. Then on a different level, string theory makes multiple universes a real possibility. And I really like the multidimensional universe you’ve created. The added depth it adds to the story, makes it seem that much more futuristic. It also leaves character development wide open.
And speaking of characters; my, what a mysterious and intriguing antagonist you have. This is a character I want to know more about.
I don’t have any great advice to give that would make this begging much better. It’s great as it is. I can only offer a few things that I personally wouldn’t mind seeing adjusted a bit to suit my own taste. I’m sure there are others who would totally disagree with me so don’t take these few suggestions too seriously. If you find them useful, then great, but believe me, your story is fantastic as is.
I have to admit that I miss the rampaging Ulm from the previous version. I loved the tension that scene brought to the story early on. I also kind of miss the humor of the DNA mask not working quite right, but again, perhaps leaving it out is for the best. Without Dayne’s guy buddy that humor isn’t quite the same. And I do think you made the right decision to replace his friend with a girl. Maybe it could be Dayne’s own fault the mask malfunctions. Or maybe you want to leave the malfunctioning mask out altogether if it doesn’t fit with the atmosphere of the rest of the story.
This version of the begging is probably setting up for later happenings that are different than what you envisioned in your earlier version. And maybe you can’t have it all, but I liked the atmosphere you created in the old version while Dayne was looking for Ulm. I could really feel the tension caused by Dayne doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. I also miss the intensity that was generated by his dad’s aura of being defeated by the loss of his wife.
This is a fine piece of work, Andy. If somebody doesn’t publish it then we should to all move to New York and start our own publishing company.
Alan
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI've read up to chapter seven, and enjoyed every minute of it. Here are my long-overdue comments for chapters 4-6.
As chapter five begins, the pace and mood is the same as it's been for the first four chapters. Atmospheric, introspective, meloncholic, filled with wondrous tech and rooted in a heart-gripping who-done-it mystery.
Then, everything shifts when the gecko bots wake him up. A disturbing intrusion, one of mom's moth-bots, untraceable with a soul-freezing message from the killer.
It's not just a murder mystery anymore. This twist adds a structure (moth bots revealed on by one) and a deadline. More importantly, we know from what the killer reveals that Dayne is going to forever and completely transformed at the end of this trip. Dayne has entered the “Threshold Crossing” stage of his hero's journey, and the pace ramps from normal to fast.
This is so memorably and compellingly underscored by the fact that Mom's bot password is “your little bot boy.” The killer knows this, and knows that by making him keep saying it, he's breaking Dayne down a little more to rock bottom.
The fact that the killer knows him so well and is crying makes me think that it's someone close to him. A nice misdirection if it isn't true.
As noted when we all read the opening, the details of the world (I still don't know how you've thought all this and built it. I imagine you have a companion book like the Simarillion that you're writing as you write this one which has a history of the development of all the technology, inter-species and parrellel universe governments, and so on) really make this so believable and fascinating. They're like the bones on the skelleton of the story. And the pitting of Dayne's detective skills and wits against the killer's ability to remain untraceable. Will Dayne ever be able to break out of the game he's being forced to play? That's a question that keeps me on the edge of my seat.
“Prickles like tarantulas creeping all over me” is such a perfect description of what a bone-chilling, earth-shattering revelation this message must have been. His mom's killer knows everything about him.
What is Dayne feeling after this critical scene? I wonder because we've known what he's feeling every minute up until now. Is he numb? Because of the mind-exploding revelation of it all and the ticking clock just makes him go on autopilot? Or is he suddenly focused, like a lazor, shoving his feelings to the back as his adrenaline heightens his senses and decision making skills?
Groornog is great with the body mass and wrinkles. I love that his croaks translate into things like “What the hell do you want?” Reminds me that this is still kind of a 1930's detective noir story with goons that get jumpy when you question them.
Page 41. Mom was working out here? What was she involved with? Did she somehow know her death was coming? Did she plan it? Is she even dead? These are all the questions I started wondering when I realized that mom was up to something that her family didn't know about. Nice one, explaining why Dayne is able to get access to the security system.
The skin disguises, so morbid, horrific (the howling mouths) and fascinating. This seems to be the key detail we learn from this first moth bot location. Why was mom wearing disguises? The mystery deepens!
I liked that Sayers called and wanted to meet him. I really wanted some action to happen here. A new twist. A new ramping up of the tension. Our hero crossed the threshold, and now he's going to be tested. He's going to find out who he really is, where his allegiances truly are, and, I hope, Indigo or another friend is going to help him!
That's all for now. On to chapter seven!
Thanks, Dave--your comments touched off a brainstorm for re-imagining the next draft! Just jotted lots of notes and pinned them to the wall!!!
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