Hey Write Fuers,
Here is my submission. Eddie and Goob is finally at the stage of sending out to agents. I ask you to look at it one more time and especially see it from an agent's point of view, if you can! I'm attaching the first and the last chapter. The first chapter you know very well by now. The last chapter is brand new. I wrote it in the last three weeks. But the whole thing has seen pretty significant revision since you saw it. Lots of new language and expressions and Eddie's father is now a significant part of the story. It might be a bit difficult for you to go straight from the first to the last chapter like this. Just remember that in chapter four (the chapter before the last chapter) Goob gets unseen by the neighbor boy, resulting in a black hole. He still feels a little of the trauma of that, despite being rescued.
I fully intend to send this out to agents for real after this, so please spare me no critique!
Thanks so much!
Dave
Here is my submission. Eddie and Goob is finally at the stage of sending out to agents. I ask you to look at it one more time and especially see it from an agent's point of view, if you can! I'm attaching the first and the last chapter. The first chapter you know very well by now. The last chapter is brand new. I wrote it in the last three weeks. But the whole thing has seen pretty significant revision since you saw it. Lots of new language and expressions and Eddie's father is now a significant part of the story. It might be a bit difficult for you to go straight from the first to the last chapter like this. Just remember that in chapter four (the chapter before the last chapter) Goob gets unseen by the neighbor boy, resulting in a black hole. He still feels a little of the trauma of that, despite being rescued.
I fully intend to send this out to agents for real after this, so please spare me no critique!
Thanks so much!
Dave
Dave,
ReplyDeleteThird to fifth grade boys, and some girls, think and talk like this. Let's start with your artistic alliteration "black bandana....bush of blonde hair." And the poetic "Eddie the Bright, the shiniest pirate to ever sail the solar seas.." OK, not all kids talk like this, but they wish they did.
All the characters have distinct voices, Gabe is a smart ass, Goob is learning a new language and on.
The pace is fast, not too fast, just the right speed. The physical detail rockets the reader into space & back again, and I didn't have to leave Jamestown.
The missing father adds a magic element to the sci-fi. It is a human magic that pulls an unexpected emotional reaction from all ages. "That's what Dad called me. He always said I had stars inside me. No one else sees me shining, though. They just see a weird little kid." My co-reader, Mary K., teacher, mother, loves this story and how it hooks quickly into a ten year olds imagination. Got me right away.
Every sentence carries a weight that illustrates a special talent; no word wasted.
A question, I don't know what *hic* stands for.
There were a few transitions that were very quick. Chap 5, The North Star, Eddie is home with Mom is one.
I love dad being an extraterrestrial, I think, maybe spiritual.
I can't say enough about the physical descriptions. Page 10 "The two smaller stars began to jiggle........Long tentacles trailed behind them like jellyfish." Is Superb.
The only suggestion I have is to check transitions and how each segment flows and moves the story along. Sometimes a fast pace skips the phrase that explains. But if I have to choose between explaining and trusting the reader, I choose trust the reader.
Great work Dave. Have you and Alan discussed bottling or licensing Sludge?
Bill
ReplyDeleteDave,
I tried to do as you asked and read your piece as I imagine an agent would.
We know Eddie’s name right away and you also immediately establish a sense of place. We also quickly know a lot about Eddie’s personality. He likes to play outside and he has a big imagination. Then, boom, Eddie’s nemesis comes on the scene. You do that all on the first page. That’s a great way to hook young readers.
You use a good technique to keep them hooked by giving action right at the top of page two. Then Eddie makes a wish, but we aren’t told what it is. The hook just went in deeper. You use words with such economy. And it all flows naturally.
Then we get a point of view shift. And an intriguing new character is introduced. The alien has grasshopper legs, interesting. He picks up on the wish, fantastic. My daughter would like this book. Earlier I could envision the snowmen all lined up and now I can see those grasshopper legs and the space craft as a shooting star. There are great opportunities for some fantastic illustrations.
This idea that Goob’s space craft is a shooting star that can be whished upon it great. I wouldn’t mind a bit more about what happened to the space craft when Goob jumped off and where he left it. For me, my wondering distracted me a bit from the story. The description of how they got back on the spacecraft was great. The interaction between Eddie and Goob already makes me feel like these two are meant to be pals.
The spacecraft as a planet is another great visual and a wonderful opportunity for an illustration.
You’ve included some great lines throughout.
You left us hanging about what Eddie’s wish was, which helped keeps keep interest up. How we find out what Eddie’s wish comes in a very satisfying way. And then there are the adventures. Gotta have adventures. If I were an agent, so far I see no reason to let Mr. Recycle eat this. Sorry Mr. Recycle.
I always love happy endings. And they sell well too. All the plot lines come together very close together. That creates an emotionally satisfying ending. Then it’s over. Boom.
Dave, this story will impact young readers because of its emotional appeal. It certainly doesn’t lack for action, but it excels at addressing what Dr. Gray calls males’ primary emotional needs. Dr. Gray is the guy who wrote, Women are from Mars; Men are from Venus. Gray lists six primary needs: trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. You hit all six of them very powerfully. You also address them very naturally while also including action. Action is an effective way to address males’ need to achieve, which Gray describes as males’ main motivator. I did my masters thesis on how to encourage boys to read by appealing to their primary emotional needs. However, I’ve discovered it’s more difficult than I thought it would be to weave in all these primary emotional needs into a story while keeping things sounding natural. You’ve done it with Eddie and Goob.
Have you considered going with an agent who is experienced in submitting to religious imprints? This story has a spiritual feel to it even though it doesn’t address any particular religion. You might also consider submitting directly. I don’t think religious imprints are so particular about agent only submissions.
I hope an agent and/or a publisher recognize what you’ve done here.
Great work,
Alan
P.S.
ReplyDeleteWay to go Sludge Brother!
Dave,
ReplyDeleteI echo what Bill says about language. From dialogue to descriptions, your words are playful and poignant. And they work, as they say, “on so many levels.” One of my favorites is on the very first page (heck, it's on the first third of the first page). It's the bit about the pebbly grins of the snowmen, which works as both a literal description of snowmen teeth and a figurative description of the smiles of pirate crew members (who probably don’t have the best oral hygiene).
And Alan’s right about giving us what we need up front—names, setting, conflict, etc. And you pull us along with steady action and fun language. I think Alan is also right on in his assessment of how you’re addressing the emotional needs of boys in your writing (whether deliberately or not). This story delivers the goods. Plain and simple.
My ONLY suggestion is to write MORE. There are two or three spots (see the annotated manuscript that I will send you shortly) that could use a little more development. Not changes. Just development. And not even much of it. We’re talking two or three added sentence in a few spots to strengthen transitions, clarify action, and increase emotional resonance. This is especially true for the closing scene. I love it. LOVE IT. But I need more. It's just a little too abrupt, and I think I’m not quite feeling the full weight of it as I should.
But seriously, Dave. This is awesome, dude. Can’t wait to see this in print. (Alan is also right about there being HUGE potential for some great illustrations!)
Riley
Side Notes:
ReplyDelete1. I could be wrong, but the *hic* is because Grog has been indulging in a little too much pirate juice (a.k. rum, or whatever the space pirate equivalent is), right?
2. Whenever I read about either of your or Alan's Sludges, I think of two things. 1) An old SNL sketch(we’re talking Bill Murray days old) advertising “Swill,” which if I remember correctly, is bottle water originating from Lake Michigan. Mmmm. And 2) My wife and her sisters used to “sludge” each other, which means to tug on that little flab of skin at your elbow (when your arm is fully extended).
Dave,
ReplyDeleteI love this story, and I enjoy reading every new chapter!
First, let me echo some of the things the others have said. Bill nails it when he says that Eddie's missing father adds emotional depth to the sci-fi. Searching for one's lost father (or what one seeks from a father) is like going on an adventure across the universe. That you appeal so well emotionally in your storytelling makes your stories, as Alan says, so satisfying on a deep level. Also, as Alan points out, the shifts in POV work--and he points out how effective those first shifts in POV are. I believe everyone nailed it when they spoke of both the economy of the story's language as well as the language's vividness. And it's this vivid, imaginative description that gives the story world its seeming reality--you describe things so well, from the aliens to sounds to sludge, that I envision them easily and so believe easily. Wonderful!
I love the episodic feel to this story. As I remember it, Eddie and Good go on a series of adventures (is that story structure still the same?). And the episodic feel then gives the story a grand feel, a grand scope--I mean, in this last adventure, Eddie ventures across the universe! There may even be the possibility for dropping some hints early on, to do some setup and foreshadowing. One possibility, just to illustrate, might be to include some little detail in the opening that renders Eddie's father's absence--Eddie will strike out later on an adventure to find his father, and perhaps his father's absence contributes to Eddie's pain of not being seen and his intense desire to be seen.
There are times when I do want a little more--when I want the story pushed a little harder. That may be what Riley's describing when he says the closing scene is emotionally resonant but perhaps "just a little too abrupt." Phyllis used an awesome saying for this--she said sometimes a writer has to "lean harder on a scene." Maybe even Eddie's goodbye scene with his father--though that is a beautifully written and poignant scene as is!
I, too, interpreted the *hic* to be Grog hiccuping from having drunk too much grog. I might punctuate it a little differently, though--maybe put it between dashes and italicize it. The dashes would separate it from the dialogue and the italics (as I'd hope the reader would interpret them) would signal that the word isn't a word of dialogue but a sound the character makes.
One minor comma thing. Once in a while, a comma is missing in a sentence that contains an address. When a sentence addresses a person and the person is named or called something, then the name or what they're called is set off with commas. The address may be placed at various places within the sentence. Some examples: "Dave, your imagination is as boundless as the universe!" "Hey, story guy, tell me another butt-kicking story!" "I am your father, Luke!" "I, Luke, am your father!" Again, a minor issue but one easily fixed!
Also, I just wanted to mention how you nail this kind of story perfectly. Am I correct in calling this story a chapter book? Maybe it's because you render that age so well--and the ability of a child to soar off into flights of fancy and sort of conjure imaginary worlds and galaxies around himself or herself. I could read Eddie and Goob all day!
Great work, Dave!
Thank you so much everyone for reading this. Your comments were both encouraging and instructive. I've just completed a revision based on all that you've said. And Riley thank you for annotating the manuscript too!
ReplyDeleteThe hic was something I thought might be a fun dialogue tick for Grog. I thought I'd leave it unexplained in case someone had a different interpretation other than he's been drinking too much. It is a challenge to punctuate. I'll try what you suggested Andy.
Big thanks to all you guys. Okay, it's finally time to see if we can find someone who wants this!