Hi all,
I went back and forth about what to submit this round. I'm trying to
charge right on through Dark is the Night right now. I really want to
get a full draft done. And I think if I submit from that, I'd
immediately want to go back and revise in line with all of your awesome
suggestions and comments. But I'm trying not to "look back" until I get
this draft done.
So instead, I've submitted another revision of Rest. For some of you,
it will be the third draft you've read of this story. You might be
getting tired of it by now. So if you'd rather not read it again and
comment, I understand. But there are some fairly significant changes
since the last draft (especially the ending). So if you do read it,
that's what I'd like you to focus on. Let me know how you feel it all
comes together (or if it DOESN'T come together :)). I'd really like to
have success in submitting this somewhere. To previous attempts have
come up short.
Thanks, fellas!
Write on!
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, May 14, 2012
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For me, "Rest" is a finely orchestrated metaphor for the loss of a friend
ReplyDeleteand the ambivalent emotions that often follow.
The flattened rabbit is a herald and harbinger of what Sean and Jack are
going through with their friendship and Meagan's death. The best part is
when I as a reader see their struggle with the rabbit and say "Aha, now I
get the importance of Megan's death." It's like the rabbit is reality and
Megan was a fantasy for both of them. This needs subtle references to her
to keep the mystery fresh. The boys emotions were kept in check with her,
but exploded on the highway.
I love the way you give us their physical battle and understanding of each
other and only touch on their relation with Megan and their feelings
towards her. You let the reader have their "Aha" moment.
It's almost the less we know about her, the better. She meant something to
the boys and she's dead. Enough about her. The rabbit is her. OK, that's
too much.
Good work,
Bill
I'll have comments soon.
ReplyDeleteKeep charging on with Dark is the Night!
Wonderful revision to "Rest"!
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is excellent and the story's spareness lends the details great weight--there's something so fitting about the spare descriptions for this story set at night.
Bill nails the symbolic resonance of the killed rabbit. And the rabbit is one of those unique and surprising symbols--a rabbit in this story symbolizes what no other rabbit before has symbolized. In his book _Story_, Robert McKee has a good name for these kinds of symbols--"internal symbols," I think, since their symbolic meaning is generated entirely by things within the text and so is not a pre-existing symbol.
I really like Bill's statement about the rabbit being reality and Meagan being a fantasy for these two. I wonder if one way to explore the story's possibility might be to try having Sean and Jack argue a little harder about who/what Meagan was. I wonder, for example, if Sean might make some argument about her not being loyal somehow--perhaps resonating with what Jack did to him.
I also wonder about Sean's last attempt to get Jack to come back to him. Was it some small action? Small but decisive? Was it in front of Jack's new friends? I guess I'm looking for the rupture--the crack.
I also wonder about where Meagan was, who she was with, and what she was doing when the accident occurred. This may be one of those underwater bits of the iceberg, but it may inform what's above the surface. One of many possibilities: What if Meagan had been seeing Jack, but she was with another guy at the time of the accident?
I really enjoy this story, and marvel at the writing, the dialogue so expertly loaded with subtext, the staging (how you move these characters around the rabbit, then have them move the rabbit, and the rabbit's figurative weight is increased by how long it takes the characters to get it off the ground), the genuine emotion. What I love most about this story is how well it portrays some important aspects of being a young adult that I think it's easy for us to forget--particularly how closely friendship, social acceptance, and contentment are tied together for teens.
Riley, wonderful writing, and particularly keen insight into teen experience and human nature--such insight is what gives the best fiction its power!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteThe earlier addition of more of the history these two share adds more emotional impact to what follows. I care more about the conflict between them and I see that conflict better for the huge rift it is.
The bottom of page five is where is where I'm really hooked. The funeral is mentioned and then Jack says, “You know, just because you don’t care about something doesn’t mean no one else does.” I know the funeral and his inaction are connected; at least in Jack’s eyes. I want to know how.
The next moment of great emotional resonance for me was at the bottom of page six;
Then he says it, “I know you didn’t like her.”
I’m totally absorbed by the beginning of p. 14, with the incident in class, and then I’m pulled in even tighter by the end of p. 14 where the mending of their relationship really hits home.
Have you considered a chapter break near the beginning of page 15, just after, “I start the engine and turn us towards home”? At that point we’d just had a satisfying emotional ride and experienced the beggining of a resolution. With a chapter break this could be a sort of resting place from where we can then start anew with the next scenes.
A new chapter at that point may also be appropriate because it’s sort of a new chapter in their relationship. The Beatles thing is here, and then it’s said, “In any case, it underscores how little I obviously know about this guy.” They knew each other before, they've gotten to know each other better, but there is so much more to know; stuff they are now going to get to know. They seem to have begun a new journey where thier freindship with be stronger than it has ever been.
Great and powerful ending. The sprinkling of pebbles is great imagery and gives a feeling of finality and closure with a promise of better things to come.
Questions that came to my mind were: How long is this story? What have these scenes set up? Where is the story going from here?
Sometimes guys get a bad rap for not caring about emotional content. I hope this story gets published and enjoys tremendous success so I can share a little in your glory as it is seen by those who consider guys emotional voids. Boys and men are certainly no such thing. We may often feel differently than women, express it differently than women, and we may even recognize it less than women do. But it is certainly no less there. Your story does a wonderfu job of showing how youg men can feel, what they can feel, and the way they often recognize that they care and how much.
Alan
Riley, I want to shake your hand then salute you for the powerful
ReplyDeleteemotional content of this story. I wholeheartedly second Alan's
remarks about your story showing how young men can feel. Guys feel
emotions just as strongly as girls, and as you well know from your
research, there is a lack of this kind of fiction which gives young
men precedent, encouragement and vocabulary to deal with their deep
feelings.
I'd also like to commend how marvelously you move characters through
space and your staging, as Andy noted. I truly admire this talent of
yours. The way you get characters from point a to point b, the way
their bodies move in a scene, or the way they are positioned in
relation to each other. There is so much movement in this story, and
you really handle it with confidence. You really show it to us how
you want us to see it. I almost felt like you storyboarded this
thing, because there are a lot of cinematic touches like the dull
flashlight making Jack like a vague shadow that Sean felt more than
saw or them sitting side by side in the ditch all torn and bloody with
Sean throwing pebbles absentmindedly one by one.
I think your prose is spare, which really helps this story punch me in
the face. If there's another revision of this, then I challenge you
to see if there are any places you can tighten even more, relying even more on your
implications. For example, I think “I look at my wrist like I’m wearing a
watch. I’m not.” gives more of a kick if you cut “I'm not.” It's a
lovely story, Riley, and I look forward to seeing it in print.
Thanks for the (once again) amazing feedback, fellas! A "Rest" revision is on the horizon. For right now, I'm trying to complete a draft of Dark is the Night by July 1. Wish me well!
ReplyDelete