I've emailed you the second installment of The Ghoul, my science fiction/detective novel.
As usual, please give me any feedback about what's working, what's not, and how the story could work better.
Thanks!
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, April 22, 2012
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Andy!
ReplyDeleteThe mystery is unfolding beautifully. I’m totally absorbed in this story. Here’s why:
I love the details—all of the elements of Nicky’s world, from smart glass to Moth Messages. They’re very futuristic, yet practical and somehow quaint (i.e. the fit with both the sci fi AND PI aspects of the story).
You are amazing at drawing intimate moments. I love the banter between father and son about his dad maybe taking the job with the department. And what a lovely moment with Lenora Mayes!
And it’s not just moments in the present your skilled at crafting. Your flashbacks are very smooth and effective. You deliver the emotional goods then get right back to the story. And you employ varied techniques in offering up this back story. Sometimes it’s a straight up flashback (like the great little diddy at the circus) and sometimes you use a bit of the world (like the holos he watches of his mom—love the Piniolo detail, too, by the way!). Even the way he’s reminded of things (like the Moth Messages bringing back memories of his ex-girlfriend and their ill-timed breakup) is well-executed. All very organic and believable.
Finally, your villain is intriguingly contradictory—admitting to killing Nicky’s mother and threatening to kill his father, barking orders at him, but also confessing is love of both him and his mother. I’m hooked.
Oh, and this passage is just amazing (such a haunting description):
Whoever’s holding the camera—whatever fucking monster is holding the camera—leans closer so Mom’s face fills the frame. Her nostrils still, drawing no breath. Her mouth parted in a way the living never part their mouths, just barely, the tips of her teeth showing between the breathless gap between her bruise-purple lips.
The only thing I’d suggest taking a look at going forward is filtering. Sometimes Nicky tells us what he’s saying or doing instead of just saying or doing it. Like, “Long after we’ve put out the lights and told the smartglass in the windows and sliding doors to tint...” Couldn’t he do this verbally? A simple, “Tint” should do the trick. Or when he says, “I tell the tablet to bring up the last five minutes of Security Cam Four’s holo footage,” or “I tell the sliding door to open.” I’ve marked a few other places in the manuscript I’m sending you where this happens, places where exposition can be replaced by dialogue or action. Keeps everything in this already fresh and fast story fresher and faster.
But don’t fret over it too much. Just something to think about as you get this draft done! Can’t wait to read more!
Thanks so much for sharing, Andy!
Write on!
Ri
Andy,
ReplyDeletePart I - Comments on the Ghoul.
I am always amazed at your ability to create new words. You must have driven your
english teachers mad. Even better, is your ability to create a world that could exist
that has never been seen. And, the human emotion in this new world hasn't changed.
Universal themes and fears drive the story. Language takes on a new meaning in The
Ghoul and the story of parental loss, coming of age and love are clear throughout,
even with all those new words; i.e. pheethis: Maybe a dictionary as an epilog.
I love the new communication system that is actually old: send a bot-moth with a
video. Like carrier pigeon on steroids and electronic gadgets. Movie pitch comes to
mind. Get an agent with Lucas or Cameron as a friend and send a proposal. Everybody
is looking for new video apps for IPads - send a special message, market a product,
give a clue to a murder mystery.
The physical detail, Lenora Mayes purse with dust in the creases shows us that you
take your time creating each scene. Is this just natural for you? I tend to race.
Why is everybody approaching cadaver stage? Is there not enough food around, or is
it just fear that makes people skinny?
Do you envision Indigo and Nicky as a couple later on, helping each other? He is
sure a lonely guy now.
Anyway, great work. Inspiring for all of us.
Great work and thanks for everybody's support.
Bill
Bill, you should be the WriteFu pitchman!
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys, for your feedback--attentive and perceptive as always.
Riley, I hope that passage you quoted to be a resonant one--one that echoes through the book.
And Bill, Indigo and Nicky might get back together at some point, but a new romantic interest for Nicky will step on stage soon!
Plot away!
Andy you are one talented guy.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is so well crafted. I almost don’t know what to say. I agree with all that Bill any Riley said. I would also add that I enjoyed your showing of Nicky’s Sherlock Holm’s like skills of observation. I wouldn’t mind seeing a little more of a hint of that in chapter one.
Other ways you amazed me:
Great balancing of everything, including, backstory, suspense, character development, relationship development, intrigue, emotional weight, creative futuristic science and society.
Nothing is overdone. The villain is excellent and I love that we get to sort of meet him or her. The personal connection there is sweet.
Have you read Feed by M.T. Anderson? It’s a great novel about the near future. Anderson takes the social interactive technology we have today as well as other discoveries and projects them fantastically into what they could be the near future.
Thanks for sharing.
Alan
Andy, I am in agreement with the amazement of my write-fu colleagues
ReplyDeleteon this piece. You are so endlessly and excitingly inventive, not
just with the technology and world details (the roach-bot building
paragraph was a particular pleasure for me, and the rundown moth-bot
was so evocative), but also with the sublime methods you employ to
create poignancy and true emotion – like with the Pinolio story and
Nicky zooming in to notice his mother's line of sight is not on the
words but on the robot hanging onto the starship.
Here are some small questions (not critiques) I had as a reader which may or may not be
useful to you as the writer. One thing I said to myself is
Dad's gotta at least suspect that his son's spying on him, right? I
mean, he's a detective, he knows his son's a detective. Out of job
necessity, he's an expert on the latest technology and security cams
in his house and all that. So, I wondered, there's going to be a
confrontation about the spying soon, right?
Something else I wondered with the breath-stopping way the last
scene was written – at first I think the digitally altered voice is
somehow his mother, right, because it says “I ache to be with you as
badly as I know you ache to be with me,” and then there's the reveal
of her dead face and the voice says “because you love your mother so
much,” and now I think Nicky's just been mind-screwed. But then the
voice is weeping and when I think about it, it seems sincere in its
own twisted way, so I don't think it was pretending to be his mother
at first. So my question reading it is which is it? Is this murderer
being sincere or is it playing a morbid game, or is it a little bit of
both? “...as badly as I know you ache to be with me.” WTF?!! Good
stuff, whichever it is!
Another question I've been having as a reader has to do with the tone of this
story. My personal opinion is that this is pretty relentless in its sadness so
far. I mean, when I look at it, one poignant scene of mourning,
remembering, tears and sadness follows another. It's coming from
almost all the characters too. Of course in the midst of that, there
is a compelling mystery, an immersive world, and a strong,
resourceful protagonist with an interesting support group, so there is
plenty of reason for me to read on. But I have found myself wondering
when there's going to be a break or a gradual shift or something.
Maybe you're just telling me to ball up. This aint no Pixie Hollow,
Dave Revere!
Masterful work, as usual, Andy. You are a wizard.
Thanks, Alan and Dave!
ReplyDeleteAlan, I have read Feed, and I'm starving for any other stories/books that might help me imagine my future world more richly. Any suggestions, guys? And Alan, I read Lizard Music by Daniel Pinkwater last week and I thought of you. It had some of the ingredients I like in your stories--fun, flights of fancy, humor, emotional undercurrents.
Dave, thank you for the excellent questions. I'm going the WTF?!!-twisted route with the killer. Actually, I'm writing the last few chapters now (trying to fulfill my New Year's resolution of finishing things!), and it's fun and hard to figure out how everything comes into resolution. Also, that's an excellent question about Nicky's father suspecting Nicky spying on him. Dad would have to suspect him, and maybe he'd bust Nicky on it to close out the scene--that's also an opportunity for a brushstroke of humor, a little relief from the sadness. Hmmm...
Thanks again!
So I already know your a V.Mars fan, but have you seen the film Brick (or have I asked you about this already)? Alan's right on with the Feed connection, and that awesome book is way more in line with your project, but Brick is a great contemporary, YA noir film. Give it a look if you haven't seen it already. And again, I apologize if I've already mentioned it to you. When I'm excited about something, I blab it to everyone! But I'm particularly excited about it for you, because I think it could be relevant.
ReplyDeleteOh, and of course there's Buffy. But you've seen Buffy, right?