Tramp the Detective is being sent tonight. I have changed Polly's name to Pauly and added a new character, "The Stranger." All comments will be appreciated. Only one week late.
Excellent! There's something special about the writing itself in this piece. It's lean. It does loads of work per inch. I think the quality I'm trying to describe relates to the notion of "double-duty details"--a detail or an image or a description or a bit of dialogue can do more than one thing, can in fact do several things at once, and your writing in this piece is almost always doing several things at once.
For example, at the beginning of Chapter Three, when Tramp tells Colin they have their first customer, Colin responds by asking what the case is, and then rattles of a list of possible cases. Colin's little bit of dialogue does several things: it reveals that Colin is witty and has a sense of humor; it reveals that Colin and Tramp have an amiable, playful relationship; it describes the sorts of cases this detective agency might be taking on; the question Colin poses also advances plot and the conversation (Tramp will respond to the question); and the playfulness and creativity of the dialogue is simply fun to read.
So much of your writing here is as rich as this bit of dialogue. I trust the author of this story--I know that he knows a lot about his characters and his story's world.
In a sense, the plot you've created is also doing multiple things at once. Early on, Tramp establishes that he seems to have poured himself into detection and the search for truth and given up on the dream of searching for his family. He'd rather solve crimes etc. than spend his energy wishing. However, when he meets Harriet, who is set up to be his first client, she tells him he looks so much like Phoebe. We wonder, as Tramp does, could Phoebe be of Tramp's family (mother or sister?)? Suddenly, Tramp's noble purpose of searching for truth and his unfulfilled dream of finding his family are one and the same. Perhaps the stakes of solving this case are that, if Tramp solves this case, he might find a family member and discover more about his own past? Or perhaps this marriage of Tramp's calling (detection) and his dream (finding his family) works out in some other way? What is brilliant about this is that the meaning of this case suddenly has much greater meaning/dramatic power because it has a potential personal element to it. My guiding question here (and I imagine this is something you've been thinking about) is "How will these two narrative threads--the professional and the personal--weave with one another and resonate with one another?"
There are some minor things that could benefit from some tinkering, such as the scene in which Tramp meets Harriet. If the dog had just been taken, Harriet might be very distressed. Perhaps the sequence of events here could be something like Tramp sees van squealing away and gives chase since it looks suspicious, Tramp encounters Harriet running after van, van gets away, Tramp follows Harriet as she tries to make a call or something, Tramp nuzzles her hand and Harriet confides in this kind dog who looks so much like Phoebe, etc.
All in all, Bill, wonderful work, and I'm excited to read more! Keep it up!
I am always amazed at the time spent and the insight provided by you and the rest of the Write Fuer's. It is great motivation. The initial reaction is to go back and rewrite every thing I ever wrote. But that is not going to happen. I will go forward knowing I have been given turns in the road never expected. Bill
I forgot to mention in my first post how much I enjoyed Tramp's voice. It's imbued with something of the voices of the hardboiled detectives, but it also has something that is very much of dogs and children (and maybe us childlike adults?)--a hopefulness. Tramp's hopefulness seems at first to be buried (he has deferred that dream of finding his family), but it's there nonetheless in the purpose with which he approaches investigation.
On the topic of voice in detective fiction, I recently read one of Raymond Chandler's books (Farewell, My Lovely). Although Chandler's attitudes about some things are, well, antiquated, he's an excellent stylist. Have you read much of his work?
And have you encountered _How to Write Killer Fiction_ by Carolyn Wheat? I'm finding it pretty helpful.
My comments echo Andy’s. He said them so well that I don’t have much to add. I will say that I too am struck by the effectiveness of Tramp’s voice. You developed that voice in the first book and you’ve continued to refine it here. That voice is both what I would expect as, “detective-like” and personal. In this book you’ve emphasized the personal feel more. This goes right along with the two threads that Andy mentioned.
I also agree with Andy that the scene where Tramp meets Harriet could benefit from a little tinkering. This scene has emotional punch. I think it could be even punchier if a sentence or two of the less emotional info. from Harriet's ialogue were moved to the end of the scene.
Although it’s quite different, for some reason this beginning made me think of the Wonder Pets. My daughter adores them.
I enjoyed this piece, Bill. It’s fun to see how you continue to develop Tramp’s character and how he relates to the other characters. His longing for his canine family make his character richer. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I’m rooting for him.
Thanks for this! I love that Tramp and his pals are beginning another case/adventure! It’s a charming opening. The business-card pass out is a clever way to begin the story. And I’m excited to be following these characters again!
As always, I love how quickly your stories are paced. The short, eventful chapters move things right along. And it takes no time at all to get into the mystery. I love that!
How far along are you? Are these the only chapters you’ve written so far? Keep going! Get this story down while there’s all this energy behind it.
Some things I thought about while reading:
1. If Tramp is indeed going to be a series (and a fun series it would be!), you might consider diversifying the mysteries. Two consecutive animal-napping stories might not interest a large group of readers. Now, you might have something entirely different in mind, and the dog-napping is just part of a much large mystery. If that’s the case, ignore this comment!
2. You “sum up” more than you probably need to: revisiting the last case, explaining who everyone is and what everyone does, etc. I’d say just focus on the story and reveal necessary details (or reminders) as you go. Even for readers who haven’t read the first book, what we need to know can be revealed as the story unfolds through character interaction. And we can learn what we need to know about the last case through cleverly placed explanations or cues. Your style is so crisp and quick-paced. No need to bog it down with explanations.
3. On a similar note, while I love (as I noted above) how quickly we get into the mystery, I think maybe we’re (at times) given too much information, too quickly and too conveniently. Especially in the scene with Harriet Patterson. Here's a great opportunity. Seeing as how her dog was just stolen, she's probably be really worked up, scared, angry, pacing around, thinking out loud about what to do next. Right? This is a great chance for her to blurt out some random things (like how Tramp looks like Phoebe—that’s a great detail!). But I doubt she'd offer organized and detailed information to some dog she doesn't know from Adam. (Would she even talk directly to some dog she's just seen for the first time at all?) Maybe instead, just give us pieces. Clues. Don't make it too easy for us. This is a mystery. Make us WORK for it!
4. I LOVE Tramp's interaction with the stranger. I want more! Are there ways to expand this scene?
Thanks again, Bill, for sharing this. Your ability to commit your stories to the page is admirable. I know you’ve completed at least two novels (are there more?). And I have no doubt you will crank out this one in no time as well. I’ve never been able to finish anything (other than a short story) in my life! You’ve motivated me!
Finally got to this Bill, sorry for getting behind. It's great to be back with Tramp and the gang. I got a thrill reading the passage about them passing out the business cards where you give us a nice little reintroduction to each of the characters. Very cleverly and charmingly done - showing their various methods of delivery! I think you can really use this to underscore their character notes.
I love the gumpshoe opening with the flowery "dark and stormy night" prose to set the tone. And in general, just all the details Tramp notices are great - very Sherlock Holmes feeling. They also set the tone of the story, telling me to pay attention.
And Tramp's asides are great ("ah suzette") adding extra character and the sense of a narrator lost in his recollections. I feel a lot of confidence with your writing, like you are nicely familiar with the rules of your world. Speaking of that, the prospect of there being this large world out there of animal judicial systems is really exciting! I'd love to see Tramp hit the big city!
The prologue made me smile. "I solve the mystery every time." That's great! What's the purpose of the prologue here? Just curious. Since this is a series, I see this as a kind of continuity thing, where we get this character declaration of sorts that let us know this is another of a certain character's stories. You know, kind of like when Clive Cussler says "A Dirk Pitt adventure."
One thing about chapter one, even though I liked it, I kind of wanted to get dropped immediately into the hook of this new story rather than have a recap. Just a preference though. I wonder how it would change the book to start off something more actiony like the scene in chapter two? Definitely just keep writing forward, because in terms of confidence, style and momentum, there is a terrific promise here of the mystery/adventure to come, and I'm really looking forward to reading your next submission!
Tramp the Detective is being sent tonight. I have changed Polly's name to Pauly and added a new character, "The Stranger." All comments will be appreciated. Only one week late.
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteExcellent! There's something special about the writing itself in this piece. It's lean. It does loads of work per inch. I think the quality I'm trying to describe relates to the notion of "double-duty details"--a detail or an image or a description or a bit of dialogue can do more than one thing, can in fact do several things at once, and your writing in this piece is almost always doing several things at once.
For example, at the beginning of Chapter Three, when Tramp tells Colin they have their first customer, Colin responds by asking what the case is, and then rattles of a list of possible cases. Colin's little bit of dialogue does several things: it reveals that Colin is witty and has a sense of humor; it reveals that Colin and Tramp have an amiable, playful relationship; it describes the sorts of cases this detective agency might be taking on; the question Colin poses also advances plot and the conversation (Tramp will respond to the question); and the playfulness and creativity of the dialogue is simply fun to read.
So much of your writing here is as rich as this bit of dialogue. I trust the author of this story--I know that he knows a lot about his characters and his story's world.
In a sense, the plot you've created is also doing multiple things at once. Early on, Tramp establishes that he seems to have poured himself into detection and the search for truth and given up on the dream of searching for his family. He'd rather solve crimes etc. than spend his energy wishing. However, when he meets Harriet, who is set up to be his first client, she tells him he looks so much like Phoebe. We wonder, as Tramp does, could Phoebe be of Tramp's family (mother or sister?)? Suddenly, Tramp's noble purpose of searching for truth and his unfulfilled dream of finding his family are one and the same. Perhaps the stakes of solving this case are that, if Tramp solves this case, he might find a family member and discover more about his own past? Or perhaps this marriage of Tramp's calling (detection) and his dream (finding his family) works out in some other way? What is brilliant about this is that the meaning of this case suddenly has much greater meaning/dramatic power because it has a potential personal element to it. My guiding question here (and I imagine this is something you've been thinking about) is "How will these two narrative threads--the professional and the personal--weave with one another and resonate with one another?"
There are some minor things that could benefit from some tinkering, such as the scene in which Tramp meets Harriet. If the dog had just been taken, Harriet might be very distressed. Perhaps the sequence of events here could be something like Tramp sees van squealing away and gives chase since it looks suspicious, Tramp encounters Harriet running after van, van gets away, Tramp follows Harriet as she tries to make a call or something, Tramp nuzzles her hand and Harriet confides in this kind dog who looks so much like Phoebe, etc.
All in all, Bill, wonderful work, and I'm excited to read more! Keep it up!
Andy,
DeleteI am always amazed at the time spent and the insight provided by you and the rest of the Write Fuer's. It is great motivation. The initial reaction is to go back and rewrite every thing I ever wrote. But that is not going to happen. I will go forward knowing I have been given turns in the road never expected.
Bill
Yes, keep going forward!
ReplyDeleteI forgot to mention in my first post how much I enjoyed Tramp's voice. It's imbued with something of the voices of the hardboiled detectives, but it also has something that is very much of dogs and children (and maybe us childlike adults?)--a hopefulness. Tramp's hopefulness seems at first to be buried (he has deferred that dream of finding his family), but it's there nonetheless in the purpose with which he approaches investigation.
On the topic of voice in detective fiction, I recently read one of Raymond Chandler's books (Farewell, My Lovely). Although Chandler's attitudes about some things are, well, antiquated, he's an excellent stylist. Have you read much of his work?
And have you encountered _How to Write Killer Fiction_ by Carolyn Wheat? I'm finding it pretty helpful.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteMy comments echo Andy’s. He said them so well that I don’t have much to add. I will say that I too am struck by the effectiveness of Tramp’s voice. You developed that voice in the first book and you’ve continued to refine it here. That voice is both what I would expect as, “detective-like” and personal. In this book you’ve emphasized the personal feel more. This goes right along with the two threads that Andy mentioned.
I also agree with Andy that the scene where Tramp meets Harriet could benefit from a little tinkering. This scene has emotional punch. I think it could be even punchier if a sentence or two of the less emotional info. from Harriet's ialogue were moved to the end of the scene.
Although it’s quite different, for some reason this beginning made me think of the Wonder Pets. My daughter adores them.
I enjoyed this piece, Bill. It’s fun to see how you continue to develop Tramp’s character and how he relates to the other characters. His longing for his canine family make his character richer. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I’m rooting for him.
Alan
Bill,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this! I love that Tramp and his pals are beginning another case/adventure! It’s a charming opening. The business-card pass out is a clever way to begin the story. And I’m excited to be following these characters again!
As always, I love how quickly your stories are paced. The short, eventful chapters move things right along. And it takes no time at all to get into the mystery. I love that!
How far along are you? Are these the only chapters you’ve written so far? Keep going! Get this story down while there’s all this energy behind it.
Some things I thought about while reading:
1. If Tramp is indeed going to be a series (and a fun series it would be!), you might consider diversifying the mysteries. Two consecutive animal-napping stories might not interest a large group of readers. Now, you might have something entirely different in mind, and the dog-napping is just part of a much large mystery. If that’s the case, ignore this comment!
2. You “sum up” more than you probably need to: revisiting the last case, explaining who everyone is and what everyone does, etc. I’d say just focus on the story and reveal necessary details (or reminders) as you go. Even for readers who haven’t read the first book, what we need to know can be revealed as the story unfolds through character interaction. And we can learn what we need to know about the last case through cleverly placed explanations or cues. Your style is so crisp and quick-paced. No need to bog it down with explanations.
3. On a similar note, while I love (as I noted above) how quickly we get into the mystery, I think maybe we’re (at times) given too much information, too quickly and too conveniently. Especially in the scene with Harriet Patterson. Here's a great opportunity. Seeing as how her dog was just stolen, she's probably be really worked up, scared, angry, pacing around, thinking out loud about what to do next. Right? This is a great chance for her to blurt out some random things (like how Tramp looks like Phoebe—that’s a great detail!). But I doubt she'd offer organized and detailed information to some dog she doesn't know from Adam. (Would she even talk directly to some dog she's just seen for the first time at all?) Maybe instead, just give us pieces. Clues. Don't make it too easy for us. This is a mystery. Make us WORK for it!
4. I LOVE Tramp's interaction with the stranger. I want more! Are there ways to expand this scene?
Thanks again, Bill, for sharing this. Your ability to commit your stories to the page is admirable. I know you’ve completed at least two novels (are there more?). And I have no doubt you will crank out this one in no time as well. I’ve never been able to finish anything (other than a short story) in my life! You’ve motivated me!
Write on! Can't wait to read more!
Finally got to this Bill, sorry for getting behind. It's great to be back with Tramp and the gang. I got a thrill reading the passage about them passing out the business cards where you give us a nice little reintroduction to each of the characters. Very cleverly and charmingly done - showing their various methods of delivery! I think you can really use this to underscore their character notes.
ReplyDeleteI love the gumpshoe opening with the flowery "dark and stormy night" prose to set the tone. And in general, just all the details Tramp notices are great - very Sherlock Holmes feeling. They also set the tone of the story, telling me to pay attention.
And Tramp's asides are great ("ah suzette") adding extra character and the sense of a narrator lost in his recollections. I feel a lot of confidence with your writing, like you are nicely familiar with the rules of your world. Speaking of that, the prospect of there being this large world out there of animal judicial systems is really exciting! I'd love to see Tramp hit the big city!
The prologue made me smile. "I solve the mystery every time." That's great! What's the purpose of the prologue here? Just curious. Since this is a series, I see this as a kind of continuity thing, where we get this character declaration of sorts that let us know this is another of a certain character's stories. You know, kind of like when Clive Cussler says "A Dirk Pitt adventure."
One thing about chapter one, even though I liked it, I kind of wanted to get dropped immediately into the hook of this new story rather than have a recap. Just a preference though. I wonder how it would change the book to start off something more actiony like the scene in chapter two? Definitely just keep writing forward, because in terms of confidence, style and momentum, there is a terrific promise here of the mystery/adventure to come, and I'm really looking forward to reading your next submission!