Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Hero of Dewlily - Chapter One
I'm sending you one chapter (seven pages) of a new story, and would love your reaction. However, seeing as how I've failed to post this even remotely on time, no one should feel compelled to provide feedback now. Just in the event that you have time to spare before Bill's next posting. If anything, it will be good reference for whatever I post the next time after that!
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Your imagination is unbridled. I love the densely narrated character descriptions. Grade A. Brilliant story concept. Reminds me a bit of "The Ink Drinker" by Sanvoisin.
ReplyDeleteEvery 3-4 grade boy will start reading more because of this book. Keep at it. It is inspiring for all of us to see how the work just gets better and better.
I love that you’ve begun a hero’s journey tale, Dave. It suits you!
ReplyDeleteThere’s so much to gush about here. Where to begin?
You’ve set the stage extremely well. You’ve illustrated two worlds, populated them with unique and interesting characters, and struck a perfect tone that’s a delicate mix of humor and gravitas. Chapter one has such a lovely arch. An introduction to both worlds, backstory, establishment of key relationships, and (perhaps?) a subtle hint at theme, all (literally) folding back on themselves in the chapter’s final word.
I’m going to keep reading because I know the story is going to be full of adventure and laughter. But I also know that it’s going to be rooted in Leif’s central conflict—probably something to do with being twelve, which is right on the cusp of childhood and adolescence, when the imagination is still in full bloom but expectations (and pressure to conform) from your peers loom large.
Some other great things:
I love Leif’s parents. So kind and encouraging. Have you seen Easy A? Totally different type of story (obviously), but the way you demonstrate Leif’s parent’s love for him reminds me of the way Olive’s parents interact with her in the film.
You make both worlds/stories interesting on their own (an important element, especially before the worlds inevitably collide). You don’t want readers to be more interested in one storyline than the other.
The dialogue is excellent. Very illustrative of both the worlds the characters inhabit and their individual personalities. The dads (the King and Leif’s father) have some of the best lines (both humorous and poignant).
My only minor qualm—and it really is minor, especially at this stage of the game—is that your verb tense is a little confusing (enough so that it distracted).
You start in present tense, then go to past perfect, then back to present, then you go back to past (for the rest of the excerpt).
You’re totally in charge of how this story is told, but it does need to be consistent. For a middle grade novel (especially one with a fantasy element), past tense is often used and works well (and you could use past perfect to relate past events like the name-eating dragon story or Leif’s day at school, if you want). But present tense could work just as well (and you could then simply use past tense to relate past events). Whatever works for you is great, but decide on a scheme and stick to it.
Final note: LOVE the Neverending Story vibe, blurring the line between the “real world” and “fantasy.” Not sure if you were going for that, but I feel it. Makes me nostalgic for my own childstoryhood.
Keep doing what you’re doing, Dave. It's always a pleasure, and I can’t wait to read more!
Dave,
ReplyDeleteI like the whole name thing and how a name can be more than just a label. In this story, each person’s name seems to be tied to who they are. I like that you make your characters very aware of their position in the kingdom: princes, king, queen, commoner, position in the family, etc, but still lack something very vital besides just what people should call them. It appears that something is internal. Knowing who they are has power.
Without that power people can’t achieve their potential. For most of us it’s a spiral of knowing a bit about ourselves and realizing something of our potential, while reaching for that growing, and in the process discovering more of our potential. These characters not knowing who they are stops their day as it stops their progress toward achieving their potential. Anyway, that’s how your story speaks to me.
This dragon is refreshingly different from most of the evil worms who threaten communities by eating their fair maidens or cattle or the general citizenry. Here he gains his nutrients by stealing names and then by watching those whose names were stolen wither.
“I defy you, foul unnamer!” I love it. Will Leif be the pure namer or the untainted restorer of names?
I like Leif and I want to see how his growth parallels that of princess's; if that’s the way you’re going.
Leif’s love of bedtime stories and his language both in his class and at home makes him seems younger than most 11-year-olds. Is that intentional? His classmates certainly give him a hard time for it. If they knew he still liked bed time stories I suspect they would crucify him. But that’s who he is and he gains from it.
I like that you were bold enough to plant a clue to the princess’s name on the first page. To complete the stanza, which the princess sings, her name must rhyme with Aarbelle.
Chalk this next comment up to my working with struggling readers. One minor thing to consider is that many eleven year oldish readers might have a difficult time knowing how to pronounce the second “e” in Aarbelle. They may wonder if it is long, short or silent. I don’t think that’s a big deal, but because the princess’s name is so pivotal to your story, and might be compared phonologically to Aarbelle, you might want to make both her name and the name of the kingdom easy to sound out. Just a thought. I’m sure most young readers would be fine as is.
You’ve pulled me into your story, Dave. You have intriguing characters, a compelling plot and a thoughtful theme, as well as some great lines and creative twists. I want to read more.
Alan
Dave,
ReplyDeleteAn enjoyable story, and think Riley's observation about its mixture of humor and gravitas expresses precisely what I like so much about this story. There's something about stories that can blend whimsy and fantasy and emotion. The harder you test the willing-hero-ness of Leif and the princess, the more powerful this story will be!
I also love that the parents in the story are good, attentive parents. Their loving encouragement presents a compelling challenge for Leif and the princess--Leif and the princess have been raised to be heroes, to imagine and think big, and so now that they're maturing and venturing beyond the family sphere, they'll have to become the heroes they're needed to be.
You tell a story with amazing economy. Only seven pages into the story, you've already conveyed a vivid sense of the villain--the dragon steals names. As Alan said, this dragon is a fresh take on the dragon villain. His method for destroying the kingdom is stealing the names of its people and letting them wither, a unique brand of bad that in its way is particularly insidious--violence ends things rather quickly whereas this draws out the suffering.
I also love that stories of wonder provide the basis for Leif and his father's relationship. Leif's belief in their value is challenged--and the stakes are high as it seems believing in the stories entails believing that he can be a hero. I'm reminded a little of the movie BIG FISH, though in that movie the son has become an adult and has long lost his faith in his father's fantastic stories.
Wonderful and wondrous work, as usual!
Thank you guys for reading my pages with such thoughtfullness, both as hypothetical young readers and as the story craftsmen that you are. Your comments were right on and helpful!
ReplyDeleteThank you guys for reading my pages with such thoughtfullness, both as hypothetical young readers and as the story craftsmen that you are. Your comments were right on and helpful!
ReplyDelete