I've sent y'all the first chapter-and-a-half of what I've been working on the past few months--a YA sci-fi detective novel currently titled The Ghoul.
Conjuring this imagined futuristic world has been a challenge and a blast--please look for any opportunities for me to dream the world and the characters more richly.
So glad to have such keen readers reading my work!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI love this. How far along are you? Write, write, write, write!
It’s like Feed meets Zombieland meets Bladerunner meets Veronica Mars. I could go on…
I love the voice. I love the dialogue. Love the slang and the lingo. I’m easily (through the context) able to understand what the characters are saying. The craft here is superb. And I love how you seamlessly weave Olm’s dialogue in (first explaining how they’re translating it, then dropping the explanation and letting us read it as though we’re actually hearing Olm speak the words).
And you manage to establish the world, the mythology/lore, the stakes, and the mission, all within the first few pages. Excellent!
And I agree with the choice of present tense. It fits this story well.
And I love your characterizations. For example, Dad’s mannerisms in the car, letting his hands slide into his lap from the wheel, and his words, firm but tender—he’s clearly haunted by what’s happened, and he’s having a difficult time telling his son to NOT do precisely what he himself is doing.
AND (I could go on all night with these AND’S), in addition to the wholly original and interesting slang/lingo you use, there are some rather intriguing (and poetic) turns of phrase. I especially like “accelerate to a creep,” and “a silence settles over us so heavy I don’t know how we don’t drop out of the sky.”
Bottom line: I’m in. I’m hooked. I have fallen into this world. I care about the characters. I care about the case.
All I will say now is keep writing! Go go go!
And I can’t remember if you said you’ve seen it yet or not, but if not, you and Daisy should sit down and watch the entire Veronica Mars series. Very teen noir-y. At the very least, check out a film called Brick with Joseph Gordon Levitt—another modern teen noir. Neither have the sci-fi angle, but they’re still relevant to your work.
Thanks for sharing! Write on!
Riley
Thanks, Riley! We love Veronica Mars--in part I'm writing this because I need another smart teen sleuth in my life!
ReplyDeleteI checked out Brick on IMDB--looks cool!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteYour writing is humbling.
I echo everything that Riley said. I will also add that your attention to detail helps this story come alive. For example, with there being so many intergalactic species, it was great how you had Olm avoid trampling “beings “instead of people.
I also admire how you seamlessly weave in back story without distracting from the present.
As always, you show your strength of developing the relationships between your characters. As the story progresses I’m sure you’ll show more of how Hoodie and his mom spent time together and stayed close so that Hoodie’s loss and desire to find his mom’s killer become increasingly more poignant.
Here’s a small thing to think about. If Mdu lacks sight and can only see in light and dark then Olm might not think of Hoodie as being too old based upon the mask. Maybe there is something that could take the place of the mask like an old person smell the boys carry to fool subterranean species or an old person voice that Hoodie has created by putting some hidden voice altering gadget on his throat, like in the Mission Impossible movies. Something they can easily get rid of so Hoodie can still take it off or put is aside to prove he isn’t an old guy. Or maybe Olm touches Hoodie’s face to see what he “looks like”. Then he takes the mask off and that giant hand touches him again. That would be freaky for Hoodie. Whatever the case, Hoodie could still take his mask off before his dad gets there.
Here’s a smaller thing to think about: Olm’s zombieness is well developed by his sounds and behavior. After the great intro that described so well the zombies’ pathetic mind altered state, I think I expected that to reflect a little bit more in Olm’s speech and comprehension. He seems fairly intelligent. Just something to think about. I’m stretching to try and find something constructive to give. I do understand that Olm’s speech is being translated by a machine so it isn’t really his voice.
If you do decide to dumb down Olm’s speech and comprehension a bit more, it might also help make his reference to Lizzie seem even less reliable. That could add tension if Hoodie chooses to pursue Olm’s Lizzie lead, despite everyone telling him the ghoul isn’t real.
Also like Riley, I could go on about what a fine job you’ve done with this piece. So let me just say WOW, two thumbs up, way to go, excellent work!
Alan
Bill's comments:
ReplyDeleteJust imagine if your vision of the next millenium, or amillion years in the future, in Wisconsin, go Pack (next year) could come true today.
The pad with translator, hologram, gps, etc. would generate enough income for all of us to quit our day jobs and write, write.
I have no idea what inside of you is able to create a new species and language. But I fully understand wherethe emotion you create between a son, a mother murdered and a father in agony comes from.The eyes filling with snow stopped me cold. This combination of surprise and convincing is brilliant.
I also commend you on the bit of backstory about the origination of this world. I want to read more of this so I know what to expect for my great - great - great- great, oh hell, whoever lives in the future.
I caught what I think are two typos, but they could just be part of a new language. I will let you decide what to do with them.
By far, the fewest comments I have ever made. Not sure if it's the fact that I don't speak the language, or I had no way to improve it, except for those typos.
The odd creature Olm, is as interesting to me as Tramp. Maybe they could meet. Of course one of them will have to become a time traveller. If I wrote it, Olm would come back and scare the ---- out of Tramp and they would become best friends. If you wrote it Tramp would be ferried across some wierd river, fall overboard and wake up sitting nest to Olm, and they would become best friends.
Enough - keep at it.
Bill
"Eyes glow in an open window above and something hisses."
ReplyDelete"A trio of blottoed blue humanoids staggering with their arms around one another, sees us,"
"A scarlet pincher reaches up out of dumpster and pulls the lid down with a whoomp."
Man, Andy, I love this place, and I would love to know your process of imagining like this. This kind of world-making, with vivid details evoking mental images both familiar and alien at the same time, gets my heart pumping with excitement while I read.
Your world is so fully fleshed. We've got security gecko-bots and and biohazard incinerators and eavesdropping apps and hoverbarges and skipping stations linking parallels and a million other things. But, as always with your work, what makes it all breath is the characters you set loose in this world. Like Toad and Hoodie's little playful exchange which then underlines Toad's backstory. Or the power of Olm putting his hand to his forehead, remembering being tenderly touched. Or Dad collapsing into himself as usual when he realizes he doesn't have to be the tough guy.
There were a couple times where Hoodie was footnoting things a little for the reader (like when he explains he doesn't smoke) which made me wonder who I (the person he's narrating too) was. Is that something that will come into play more later?
This sentence, although I might recommend breaking it into two or three pieces, intrigued me immensely. "As in the ghoul of the stories the parents of Harmony have told their children since the polyverse was formed when Maria Sandoval shot the Unifying Particle through the thousand parallel universes and thus cohered them." A parallel universe unifying particle! So original and awesome! It makes me think of the Higgs Boson "God Particle." And is this ghoul truly just a scary fairy tale made up by the parents, or is it a real entity? Why was it named Lizzie?
More please! This is truly beautiful, Andy, and touching.