Hi fellas,
Sorry this is late, short, and rough. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to submit anything this week. It’s been a crazy couple of months. Anders has been sick like five times in the past seven weeks—not to mention he’s stepped firmly into the “terrible twos.” Plus there was all of the holiday chaos. Oh yeah, and we’re moving to a new apartment Wednesday. Yes, this Wednesday. In three days, Wednesday!
So I haven’t written much of anything in two months. But enough with the excuses.
I value Write Fu. And I feel accountable to you guys. So I drafted a chapter of Dark is the Night last night. Take it easy on me. More is crammed into these pages than I’d prefer, but I wrote it as an exercise in fleshing out these characters and their relationship. And I might be starting to scratch at the story's theme.
I’m open to any and all comments. If you need any reminders about story elements, just let me know. But I’m pretty certain this story will be non-linear in its telling. So if you’re a little lost in the “plot,” that’s probably okay. I’m more concerned about clarity of character and emotion right now. Does the story feel authentic? Fresh? Do you want to follow Simon down the “road” he’s traveling?
Thanks, guys! Write on!
Ri
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, January 30, 2012
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Riley,
ReplyDeleteGreat job. Except for a few typos, I wouldn’t have guessed you hurried through this. I’m impressed you were able to crank this out with all that’s been going on in your life. Moving takes a lot of time and energy; almost as much as a two-year-old.
Out of all the fine installments of this story I think I enjoyed this the most. One big reason is all the little things you’ve strewn along the path to make us guess and sometimes tease us. I’ve been waiting for this moment. I wanted to see this more coherent revelatory conversation between these two. You were right to just leave this moment between them.
It’s also a great bit because, although you’ve answered some questions, you’ve left others to be answered and made me curious about still more. It has become more clear that Thomas is the type of being I’ve thought he is for some time. However I’m not sure I know how he got to be this way. Simon calls it a disease. That would be curious enough, but I wonder if there’s more. I’m anxious to find out. Because I feel this way I have to say, in answer to your questions, that, yes, it does feel fresh and authentic. And, yes, I do want to travel down this road with Simon. Although, I wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable being in the RV with him as long as Thomas is there. Maybe I’ll just stay on the roof and peek in through the window.
Your characters’ dialogue is compelling and clear, which in turn makes your characters and their emotions clear. I have no doubt that Thomas is a tortured soul, if he has one. Simon is a good guy who wants to help without knowing how to give Thomas what he really needs or wants. However, I think Simon is on track to finding a way to at least relieve his new friend’s suffering. Simon also seems to be learning more about life along the way.
This story is definitely working. I like how you’ve shown that Thomas’s health is improving and that he doesn’t have a great tolerance for animal blood. It keeps him alive but it’s probably human blood that would agree with him better. Then at the end of the piece Simon isn’t interested in accepting Thomas’s offer to tarry for a game that doesn’t seem to have enough pieces to actually play. Questions arise as to whether or not staying would be entirely safe. I bet you’re going to punch this harder as time goes on. As a reader, I wouldn’t mind if you punched it bit harder here and make our guesses feel a bit more tinged with danger. Then hit it still harder later. In between could be reasons to alleviate that feeling of dread in embryo before its full gustation.
I didn’t plan on writing that much.
Thanks for sharing your talent.
Alan
Just letting y'all know I'll have my feedback up Friday (sorry, Riley!)!
ReplyDeleteRiley,
ReplyDeleteYou mention that you're concerned with clarity of character--they're as clear as clear can be.
I love this setting, this place in the woods Simon has kept secret from everyone, a place he'd love to share with Ingrid. He has brought Thomas here to help him, and Simon is helping Thomas despite fearing him (Simon seems to refuse Thomas's request to play Scrabble out of fear--if that's the case, I wouldn't mind the danger punched up a little, too--just a little!).
I echo Alan in that I enjoy the revelation of what Thomas is and how he is nourishing himself. I seem to remember that in one of your previous submissions, Simon pulled off a discreet "blood deal" with a peer whose parents own a butcher shop--in this submission, is Simon now supplying Thomas with animal blood?
It strikes me that at the heart of this scene is the contrast between how both characters feel towards life--perhaps their own lives in particular. I love how Simon both sees wondrous possibility in immortality and is then able to discern how Thomas would be offended by it. And I love how Thomas counters with his own points about the dreadfulness of immortality. And what's cool is that I get the sense that both characters could learn from one another. Thomas talks of the fear one can have of missing one's moment, of not being able to start over, and I wonder if Simon has perhaps withdrawn from life (is it he who withdraws from Mark and Ingrid once they begin their kind of flirtation?). And I wonder if Thomas could embrace the life he has ahead of him with the enthusiasm Simon has when discussing immortality's possibilities. I like the argument they have in this scene--it may be one that carries through the rest of the story for them. And I like also that they apologize. Perhaps this scene is one of those Gladwellian "thin slices" of the arc of their relationship? Possibly (though not necessarily)!
The story has emotional authenticity. Thomas coughing up some of the blood because he can't keep it down, his frailty when he looks at Simon with his blood-smeared face--the sympathetic appeal is so strong because the causality of what's going on is clear (vampires, immortal, may very well grow frail, especially if they're not feeding on human blood and getting the nutrients they need). Also emotionally authentic are Simon's and Thomas's attitudes towards immortality (Thomas's because you've done such a wonderful job of imagining what it would be like to have lived the life that he has). Excellent.
And I think it's this emotional authenticity--along with Simon's amazing voice and this enchanting quality created from how you render setting and atmosphere--that makes _Dark is the Night_ such compelling reading. Truly. It is fresh and strange and compelling and funny and emotionally powerful--everything I wish every book I open will be (alas!). Wonderful writing! Bravo, and keep going!
Riley, sorry I waited until March since by now you probably have a fresh draft of this! I'm glad you received such thoughtful comments as those above.
ReplyDeleteAs has been touched on before, this is such a captivating setting and tone and voice in which to discover characters who are so compelling with dimensions both common and not. This time, I loved
finding out that Simon has his secret spot, and felt even more
compelled by him with his desire to keep Thomas a
secret. Secrets are really a part of this guy.
I wondered why the fact that everything about Thomas will stay the
same forever is attractive to Simon. Is there something about himself
he wants to never change and hold on to forever?
I'm really interested to truly read an authentic feeling unnaturally
old character like Thomas. I mean something beyond the
thousand-yard-stare of movie vampires to convince me of their
world-weariness. So it's intriguing to me that Thomas says “it's a
world for the young” like a tired, old man instead of like a seductive
symbol of eternal youth, and it's in keeping with your gritty vision
of vampires as somewhat pathetic beings.
In that whole scene between them, I did wonder why someone who is
tired and weary and who must have come to terms with his life long
long ago would still have the energy or motivation to explain himself
this much to this kid. It was an important, maybe even central scene,
I guess I just imagined Thomas would have a lot less to say.
I don't know if I'm saying to change anything, I'm just mentioning the
question that came into my head about it. I love your writing, Riley.
I can't wait to see the cover for this book!
Thanks, guys, as always, for the amazing feedback. It's invaluable moving forward. I'm grateful for Write Fu!
ReplyDeleteRiley,
ReplyDeleteSomehow I missed this.
Please resent to this email. bkennedy@csicable.net
Thanks,
Bill
Riley,
ReplyDeleteYou sent me a piece of "Rest." Still need the current "Dark Is The Night."
No problem, loved reading what could be a great short story.
Riley,
ReplyDeleteI like this as an introduction to Dark Is The Night.
You set the tone for the town very nicely in the beginning and take us quickly to Thomas. I like the clean entry into Simon’s head and how he sees the world. Uncomplicated, yet infinitely complicated. These opening lines, are they opening? make me want to know the back story and ask the big question. Why is Simon helping this weird guy?
You have a philosophical approach dealing with huge themes of life and death and set them in a depressed world. My hope is that you take this to a conclusion that teaches us all something about the joy of life and the tragedy of wasting even a minute.
I love your voice. It is old and young at the same time. Who is your audience? YA I assume.
Keep at this and thanks for your contributions to the group.
Bill