This story marches right along. It makes sense and each piece adds to the next.
It’s very appropriate that the final coming together takes place in a police station and then in the crooks own lair.
As all the ahas on page 2 came along, I was right there saying, “aha” in my own mind.
There is a very satisfying parallel of how Tramp’s world works coming together right along with the tying up of the mystery.
On page five is a nice echo of Colin repeating Tramps observation. I pulled Colin’s pant leg, “Do we really need a search warrant? What about probable cause?” I’d seen that on a tv show. “What about probable cause?” Colin asked.
I wouldn’t mind a few more instances of Colin echoing Tramp.
Loved it, on page 12, when Tramp gets the credit from the skeptic, Johnson, who is then given a hard time for talking to a dog by somebody else.
A small thing would be on page 2 to have Tramp refer to adult humans rather than to just adults.
I like Tramp’s voice. It’s concise and no nonsense; just what you would expect from a, “just the facts, mam,” kind of pro. gumshoe like Tramp.
That distinctive voice presents an oppotunity via contrast. By changing up Tramp’s voice during some of the other character’s dialogue, there might be an opportunity to flesh out the other characters more and to more fully establish mood, while giving the story even more punch,. An example might be at the beginning of this piece. Dialogue that’s unique to Johnson might give us a better idea about how he feels about the visit and help us more fully know his personality. He says, “Who are Tramp and Suzette?”, which is very clear, but you might experiment a bit. Is Johnson the kind of guy who would say,” Who in tarnation are Tramp and Suzetter” or "Who in the Sam Hill are…?" Or would he say something else unique to him that would develop who is, how he feels and add punch to the situation by conveying emotion?
The card that was deposited in the Kenwood mail drop is a great way to set up for a sequel.
The question I’m hanging with is, what will Tramp be up to next? Will he have the same friends and accomplices? What kind of cases will he take? What kind of bad guys will he face? Will one be a bad guy pet? Could there be a sort of canine Moriarti to his Sherlock Holmes? Will he and Suzette settle down some day and have puppies?
Bill, it’s time for an urban detective dog series, and Tramp pulls it off. I can see him in my mind’s eye wearing a fedora. That hat might be little dusty and probably kind of scruffy, but just like our hero Tramp, it gets the job done. I just hope it stays out of the carp.
You've done a fine job of plotting this novel--especially with the incremental revelations as Tramp discovers what's been happening to the missing pets.
And I echo Alan's point that Tramp has a great detective voice. It emerges from one of his most compelling character traits--his sharpness. He notices things, draws conclusions, identifies problems, and comes up with creative ways to solve them (such as creating a situation in which Officer Johnson will have probable cause to search Rodney's place).
Tramp and Colin have such an awesome relationship--they trust each other, understand each other, and work together as an effective detective duo. I adore the image of everyone standing there together at the end, waiting for Tramp, but I wonder if Colin might come to Tramp so the two of them can have a moment together at the end. I guess I'm looking for that last resonant image--I think it was Mary Logue who called it "the gift you give the reader at the end of the story"--and a last interaction between Tramp and Colin may provide it.
To piggy-back on Alan's suggestion for developing Officer Johnson's voice, I think developing his character a bit--making it more colorful, I think, rather than giving him heavy backstory or something--may help you enhance his actions (and how the other characters react to him).
An example is when Tramp licks Officer Johnson's scar and the scar disappears. I'm not sure this sort-of magical event fits within the rules of the story (though there have been some magical elements previously), but I get what mechanism is needed here--something to convince Officer Johnson that he can speak. Is there something about Officer Johnson, something that he needs or has been looking for, that could provide Tramp an opportunity to snow him? This may also be an opportunity to have Tramp get clever and creative (as he does so often!).
A fine story, Bill! It's been an honor--and a pleasure--witnessing it evolve!
Great work, Bill! I bet it feels good to have a complete draft of Tramp’s adventure in your hands (or at your fingertips)! Congrats!
It’s always a joy to revisit this story. And I’m glad I got to read the conclusion!
Alan put it best when he said, "There is a very satisfying parallel of how Tramp’s world works coming together right along with the tying up of the mystery." I completely agree! Plus you really seem to have a rhythm for the dog-human interactions now. I love it!
And you have some great phrasing and fun sequences in the pages you’ve sent us: I love when officer Johnson is scratching his chin, trying to figure out what he’s just been told, Emmet and Mom waiting for and expecting a realization to dawn on him (which doesn’t), and ultimately Tramp taking charge and telling Colin to be the one to explain it all.
Also love your lines at the opening to chapter 46: “Even detectives get scared.” “Rodney’s face was red, his polyester suit was blue.”
And the mice singing “Knew you’d come” to “Three Blind Mice”? Very cute!
My only suggestions for you as you work on revision are:
1. While I like the ending (and the birth of the detective agency—and the potential for a series!), it felt like it came too quickly. I wanted more of a peak of action during the raid on Rodney’s place. It was all over so fast (and with almost no fight from Rodney!). And are there more loose ends that you can tie up in the epilogue?
2. Setting. I don't even know exactly how to phrase this last thought, because I love the area of Minneapolis in which you've set your story. And I think it's appropriate for an "urban dog detective mystery." But--and maybe it's just me--I kept picturing a blue-collar, small town setting as I read the novel (not a wealthy neighborhood in Minneapolis). Your description of the neighborhood is great (right down to the lake and joggers and people catching buses downtown to shop), but I can't help but feel there's something small-towny and nostalgic about your story (which I love) that seems dissonant with this part of Minneapolis. I am NOT suggesting that you change anything about the setting (especially if you're going for the urban detective motif), but I thought I should let you know about the small-town image I had in my mind while reading this story (if it's of any use to you whatsoever).
Again, great work! Congrats! And thanks for sharing!
Bill, after a long absence from write-fu, I have finally read your piece. Internet has been sporadic during the course of my travels this past month, and I just haven't given myself any brain-space for writing lately. It seems you are charging forward though, especially with the recent completion of your manuscript. Huge congratulations!
I'm delighted to read the conclusion to Tramp's thrilling mystery adventure that is ultimately about the bonds we make and share with each other.
You have received wonderful feedback from the others, so I'll just pose a few different quibbly notes I had.
-I wondered why Officer Johnson scratches behind Tramp's ear when he doesn't trust him.
-The bit at the end of chapter 44. Tramp asks who would believe Officer Johnson if he said he was told by a dog detective about the animal-napping ring. At this point in the story, Officer Johnson can't understand him, so why would Tramp be musing over him telling people that a dog told him about the animal-napping ring?
-The paragraph where he licks the scar and it dissapears. What do you think about deleting the sentence “the scar disappeared.”?
-In this same section, When Officer Johnson makes the transition to trusting and communicating with Tramp, could it be a longer, more poignant moment? What are the other's reaction to his breakthrough? What is Officer Johnson's reaction to Tramp's voice? What is Tramp's feeling about finally being recognized as the mastermind detective?
-I echo Riley's comment about the climax coming and going too quickly. Does everything have to go exactly according to plan? Does Officer Johnson have to say and do exactly what Tramp told him to? Does Rodney have one final trick up his sleeve?
Well done Bill. Here's to a bright future for Tramp, with many more mysterious to come!
Actually sent the text email. :)
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteHere’s my bullet list of thoughts.
This story marches right along. It makes sense and each piece adds to the next.
It’s very appropriate that the final coming together takes place in a police station and then in the crooks own lair.
As all the ahas on page 2 came along, I was right there saying, “aha” in my own mind.
There is a very satisfying parallel of how Tramp’s world works coming together right along with the tying up of the mystery.
On page five is a nice echo of Colin repeating Tramps observation.
I pulled Colin’s pant leg, “Do we
really need a search warrant? What
about probable cause?” I’d seen that on
a tv show.
“What about probable cause?” Colin
asked.
I wouldn’t mind a few more instances of Colin echoing Tramp.
Loved it, on page 12, when Tramp gets the credit from the skeptic, Johnson, who is then given a hard time for talking to a dog by somebody else.
A small thing would be on page 2 to have Tramp refer to adult humans rather than to just adults.
I like Tramp’s voice. It’s concise and no nonsense; just what you would expect from a, “just the facts, mam,” kind of pro. gumshoe like Tramp.
That distinctive voice presents an oppotunity via contrast. By changing up Tramp’s voice during some of the other character’s dialogue, there might be an opportunity to flesh out the other characters more and to more fully establish mood, while giving the story even more punch,. An example might be at the beginning of this piece. Dialogue that’s unique to Johnson might give us a better idea about how he feels about the visit and help us more fully know his personality. He says, “Who are Tramp and Suzette?”, which is very clear, but you might experiment a bit. Is Johnson the kind of guy who would say,” Who in tarnation are Tramp and Suzetter” or "Who in the Sam Hill are…?" Or would he say something else unique to him that would develop who is, how he feels and add punch to the situation by conveying emotion?
The card that was deposited in the Kenwood mail drop is a great way to set up for a sequel.
The question I’m hanging with is, what will Tramp be up to next? Will he have the same friends and accomplices? What kind of cases will he take? What kind of bad guys will he face? Will one be a bad guy pet? Could there be a sort of canine Moriarti to his Sherlock Holmes? Will he and Suzette settle down some day and have puppies?
Bill, it’s time for an urban detective dog series, and Tramp pulls it off. I can see him in my mind’s eye wearing a fedora. That hat might be little dusty and probably kind of scruffy, but just like our hero Tramp, it gets the job done. I just hope it stays out of the carp.
Nice work,
Alan
Bill,
ReplyDeleteYou've done a fine job of plotting this novel--especially with the incremental revelations as Tramp discovers what's been happening to the missing pets.
And I echo Alan's point that Tramp has a great detective voice. It emerges from one of his most compelling character traits--his sharpness. He notices things, draws conclusions, identifies problems, and comes up with creative ways to solve them (such as creating a situation in which Officer Johnson will have probable cause to search Rodney's place).
Tramp and Colin have such an awesome relationship--they trust each other, understand each other, and work together as an effective detective duo. I adore the image of everyone standing there together at the end, waiting for Tramp, but I wonder if Colin might come to Tramp so the two of them can have a moment together at the end. I guess I'm looking for that last resonant image--I think it was Mary Logue who called it "the gift you give the reader at the end of the story"--and a last interaction between Tramp and Colin may provide it.
To piggy-back on Alan's suggestion for developing Officer Johnson's voice, I think developing his character a bit--making it more colorful, I think, rather than giving him heavy backstory or something--may help you enhance his actions (and how the other characters react to him).
An example is when Tramp licks Officer Johnson's scar and the scar disappears. I'm not sure this sort-of magical event fits within the rules of the story (though there have been some magical elements previously), but I get what mechanism is needed here--something to convince Officer Johnson that he can speak. Is there something about Officer Johnson, something that he needs or has been looking for, that could provide Tramp an opportunity to snow him? This may also be an opportunity to have Tramp get clever and creative (as he does so often!).
A fine story, Bill! It's been an honor--and a pleasure--witnessing it evolve!
Andy
Great work, Bill! I bet it feels good to have a complete draft of Tramp’s adventure in your hands (or at your fingertips)! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteIt’s always a joy to revisit this story. And I’m glad I got to read the conclusion!
Alan put it best when he said, "There is a very satisfying parallel of how Tramp’s world works coming together right along with the tying up of the mystery." I completely agree! Plus you really seem to have a rhythm for the dog-human interactions now. I love it!
And you have some great phrasing and fun sequences in the pages you’ve sent us: I love when officer Johnson is scratching his chin, trying to figure out what he’s just been told, Emmet and Mom waiting for and expecting a realization to dawn on him (which doesn’t), and ultimately Tramp taking charge and telling Colin to be the one to explain it all.
Also love your lines at the opening to chapter 46: “Even detectives get scared.” “Rodney’s face was red, his polyester suit was blue.”
And the mice singing “Knew you’d come” to “Three Blind Mice”? Very cute!
My only suggestions for you as you work on revision are:
1. While I like the ending (and the birth of the detective agency—and the potential for a series!), it felt like it came too quickly. I wanted more of a peak of action during the raid on Rodney’s place. It was all over so fast (and with almost no fight from Rodney!). And are there more loose ends that you can tie up in the epilogue?
2. Setting. I don't even know exactly how to phrase this last thought, because I love the area of Minneapolis in which you've set your story. And I think it's appropriate for an "urban dog detective mystery." But--and maybe it's just me--I kept picturing a blue-collar, small town setting as I read the novel (not a wealthy neighborhood in Minneapolis). Your description of the neighborhood is great (right down to the lake and joggers and people catching buses downtown to shop), but I can't help but feel there's something small-towny and nostalgic about your story (which I love) that seems dissonant with this part of Minneapolis. I am NOT suggesting that you change anything about the setting (especially if you're going for the urban detective motif), but I thought I should let you know about the small-town image I had in my mind while reading this story (if it's of any use to you whatsoever).
Again, great work! Congrats! And thanks for sharing!
Riley
Bill, after a long absence from write-fu, I have finally read your piece. Internet has been sporadic during the course of my travels this past month, and I just haven't given myself any brain-space for writing lately. It seems you are charging forward though, especially with the recent completion of your manuscript. Huge congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI'm delighted to read the conclusion to Tramp's thrilling mystery adventure that is ultimately about the bonds we make and share with each other.
You have received wonderful feedback from the others, so I'll just pose a few different quibbly notes I had.
-I wondered why Officer Johnson scratches behind Tramp's ear when he doesn't trust him.
-The bit at the end of chapter 44. Tramp asks who would believe Officer Johnson if he said he was told by a dog detective about the animal-napping ring. At this point in the story, Officer Johnson can't understand him, so why would Tramp be musing over him telling people that a dog told him about the animal-napping ring?
-The paragraph where he licks the scar and it dissapears. What do you think about deleting the sentence “the scar disappeared.”?
-In this same section, When Officer Johnson makes the transition to trusting and communicating with Tramp, could it be a longer, more poignant moment? What are the other's reaction to his breakthrough? What is Officer Johnson's reaction to Tramp's voice? What is Tramp's feeling about finally being recognized as the mastermind detective?
-I echo Riley's comment about the climax coming and going too quickly. Does everything have to go exactly according to plan? Does Officer Johnson have to say and do exactly what Tramp told him to? Does Rodney have one final trick up his sleeve?
Well done Bill. Here's to a bright future for Tramp, with many more mysterious to come!
Dave,
DeleteBack on the blog. Thank you very much for the suggestions. I will work with all ot them.
Bill
Thanks to all my partners!!!
ReplyDelete