I have two shorter pieces. One is a new piece that's 12 pages long. I wrote the first three pages of it for a Hamline residency, which Andy has read. I'm finally getting around to doing some more work on it. The other piece is the first five pages from Albert No-name. It's a different scene and it's in first person.
On the war story I'd like to know where you think this story is going or where you think would be a cool way for it to go. Also, is there potential for a 200 page book.
On Albert I'm mostly interested in knowing how you feel about the first person approach.
As always, any other comments you have are very much apprieciated.
I'll email them to you,
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
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OK Alan. Where does the war story come from? I am not going to say I couldn't stop reading. I am not going to say I got the chills. I'm not going to say I felt I was back at Leonard Wood in basic training in 1967.
ReplyDeleteI almost went to Nam, but National Guard units weren't called up for that war. The 2nd Lts in the OCS class I almost jointed at Quantico all died in Nam with the exception of my friend, a lawyer who stayed in Washington as a member of the JAG corps.
This story is worth telling. It deserves to have you write a novel with a theme you choose: coming of age, anti-war, friendship; your call, but show us the things you have outlined so brilliantly.
I will read Albert tomorrow.
1st person for Albert is perfect. Every kid will understand him and see something in themselves that they wish they could fix. His alter-ego is fun to imagine and the way you set up and pace the action lends itself to the "I knew it" comment from the reader. Having the foster parents in the room adds to the reality of Albert's pain. Well written Alan. I want to see the finihed product in both your submissions. If the other guys are reading this, I can't wait to read their comments.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bill.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE Albert's voice. Absolutely the right decision to try this story in first person. Even if you decide to go back to third, you'll have learned so much more about Albert by having him tell his own story. But I wouldn’t suggest going back to third, because Albert’s voice is great, and I think this is really working. Obviously, the final decision is up to you, but I think what you've got here is great, and I'd keep going with it.
Some of my favorite Albert lines:
“Someday I’ll find my other name and the family that goes with it.”
“It came riding on the back of a four-legged ugly.”
“Even the weeds were dead.”
“Never need help opening a jar of pickles.”
“Great, she wrote the book on harsh punishments.”
"The skull had a friendlier grin."
I also love how you’re weaving in key details (constant drizzle, lock of white hair, and tidbits about his past like living in a sewer. Well executed!
One minor detail: WEDNESDAY (not Tuesday) the 11th is two days before Friday the 13th.
Other than that, keep trucking! I'd love to see more of this told by Albert! I think your finger will fly on that keyboard once you get going in the voice!
Wow. Talk about a tonal shift. You are a remarkable writer to be working on both a fun adventure like Albert and sobering drama like this piece on war. They share some commonalities, though. Compelling protagonists. Gripping stories. And great lines!
ReplyDeleteMy favorites from this story:
"I don’t know if he brought them onions or not. I just know they waited until he and his congregation entered the small church before they blew it up."
"Life wasn’t like a beautiful melody, and my onion was rotten all the way through."
And I like how the narrator keeps coming back to the “beautiful melody" bit, and tying it in with whatever other metaphor about life that someone has just used. This tells us a lot about the protagonist.
As Bill said, this story could go many places, both in plot and theme (and as you know, the two are intimately tied). My challenge to you is to not think about either right now. Just keep putting on the page these gripping scenes. You can worry about making sense of it later.
And two suggestions (that you can, of course, take, leave, or modify as you choose):
What if the story begins, “It was 1951 when they began dropping bombs on the test site in the Nevada desert" or at some point right around there? THAT is where you really swept me into the tale. I often write and write and write when I begin a story. Then I go back and toss out the first few paragraphs (sometimes even a page or more). I realize that the stuff I wrote first was important because I needed to write it (needed to know it) to begin my story, but once I know it, it starts revealing itself as the story unfolds, and I don't need to put it down in such a comprehensive way in the beginning. Bottomline: Get to the goods. And fast. You don't need to tell us as much right away about how we got there. The events of the story (and the voice) are gripping enough. Keep it concrete. Keep it rooted in action and voice. The plot and theme will emerge, I promise you.
#2: Try easing up on how much he thinks about dying. Obviously it's important to him (and the story), but what if he mentions it very early, but then doesn't say anything about it for most of the rest of the chapter. Give the bit of information to the reader, then let him or her mull it over while they read the ACTION on the page. It will already be on our minds as we read about him saving the lives of his fellow soldiers. You don't need to remind us. Then, at the conclusion of the chapter, you can let us know he hasn't changed his mind; he still wants to die.
This is pretty amazing stuff, Alan. I honestly can't wait to read more. I realized I was actually holding my breath during a few sequences. Wonderful, wonderful job.
Write on!
Alan, is there anything you can’t do? Changing to first person perspective has unlocked a flow to the story where details and background information feels very naturally integrated. Albert is a great voice to be in, especially with the details about his wild wolf background given so early. I love his almost “woof woofing” and learning how he needed to chew on a few skulls for extra calcium! I’m going to stop short of saying that first person better, because I’m a sucker for a close third person too - I think it gives this story more of a cool Grimm’s fairy tale quality. I'd say I like both choices about equally, so I think whether you decide to keep first person or go back to a close third, I’ll be happy either way!
ReplyDeleteAs for War, it’s a protagonist I care about and truly a story worth telling. I’m not sure if you’ve found his voice completely yet - the others may disagree with me. It does seems like you clearly know the character and what you want to say. I think it’s a compelling hook that you start us off with a character who wants to die. And you put him in a hell on Earth setting where death is everywhere. And your premise is that it is in this place that he will find his life again. Wow! Powerful stuff.
But I don’t feel like I’m investing in his wanting to die so much. He tells us a lot of things - like the tragedy with his mother and his brother’s desertion. He tells us that he doesn’t have the courage to live and we see that he’s known as the crazy freak. But for some reason I’m not completely buying it. I think Riley was right about focusing more on the action.
Perhaps introduce your character with some subtle hint at the beginning as to the reason he wants to die. Then present his actions and peculiar behavior as a mystery we want to solve. Like the onion analogy in your story, gradually and slowly peel your way to the issue at the core of his desire for death. I think the parallel mystery of how he finds life in that place of death will be more powerful as it corresponds to this. That’s one idea, anyway. Whatever you decide, I’m completely confident you’ll get it.
And I’m curious to know why you chose to write this story, if you feel like sharing? It definitely resonated with me - remembering my self-destructive thoughts during those early Marine Corps days.
Alan,
ReplyDeleteBoth excellent pieces!
I echo everyone else's praise on Albert No-name. Albert's voice is appealing for how it reveals his character--his humor, his jadedness, and the vulnerability and hope and strength that are so vibrant just beneath the surface irony.
I think that writing in a new POV is an excellent tactic because it's allowing you to re-imagine the story anew. A first-person narrator is going to notice things and present things in ways the disembodied intelligence of a third-person narrator wouldn't, so every time you write a scene in a new POV, you must re-imagine it--and it comes out both more vivid and tighter. I notice in this opening the economy with which you're telling the story. Excellent, and keep it up!
"War"--what emotional punch! The story has heart--the main character has this quest to die, sort of the quest story inverted, and he has a dark sense of humor and an awareness of life's ironies that make me care about him and not want to lose him. And yet his intentions are in conflict with what I as a reader want for him. Excellent. Also, you write combat so well--you capture your main character's "freakish" shooting skills with absolute believability. Stellar writing!
I do feel that I want the narrator to vacillate a bit more--for him to be tugged back and forth between his desire to die and a competing desire (to live?). Perhaps imagine some scenes in which those characters who'd draw him towards embracing life again take action to encourage the narrator's transformation. The Chaplin, for instance--what might he do that almost convinces the narrator to give up his quest to die? And what about the narrator's fellow snipers? And what actions might the narrator take that demonstrate that he at times veers from his desire to die?
I also wonder if more about his mother and father could be sprinkled throughout the narrator's time Vietnam. Perhaps quick, stark, graphic flashbacks to his mother during her decline.
Perhaps indulge in the compelling the voice of this character for a while, see what riches his voice fills your screen with. This character, this voice, will keep yielding more and more beautiful material!
Awesome work, Alan--and what range!
Guys,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for you comments. It's great to get input from such tallented and insightful writers. I feel so lucky to be part of this group. Thank you for including me.
Bill and Dave. Thanks for asking me why I chose to wirte this story. I hadn't consciously thought about why. I realize there is a lot of why. I need to think about it some more.