Yo, Write-Fuers. Got another few scenes of Dark is the Night for you. I’ve been writing this story in out-of-sequence excerpts so I apologize if the scenes are a bit disjointed. Hopefully it’s not too jarring.
The first scene starts right after Simon encounters Thomas for the first time (which I think was the last excerpt of this story that I submitted to Write Fu). Thomas was all bloody and weak and frightened in the Winnebago, said he’d been drinking dog’s blood. Simon bolted.
A bunch of stuff happens after that, including a rather uncomfortable dinner that Simon’s mom hosts for the Kellermans (Jessi, the mean girl from Simon’s school, and her mom, local socialite and conspicuous do-gooder). Simon’s mom is supposed to be working on a library charity event with Mrs. Kellerman (but is finding that in order to be involved with the project, she has to jump through hoops for Mrs. Kellerman, who is some kind of charity gatekeeper). We learn that Jessi’s a little protégé of her mother, too. She does fundraisers at school (and is in charge of raising money for a class trip to D.C.—which she wants to change to a trip to California—to do “volunteer” work). The dinner does not go well, but it gets Simon thinking about doing good…
Then, the Thanksgiving scene.
Finally, another scene with Simon and Ingrid.
Any and all thoughts & comments appreciated. Mostly concerned about voice and flow. And general readability. Do things make sense? I mean, there should be some mystery, but there shouldn't be out and out confusion. I want to intrigue you to read on, not confuse you, piss you off, and drive you away.
Thanks as always!
Riley
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, October 17, 2011
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Riley, it was so fun to get thrown back into Simon's world. Your tone continues to enthrall, with all the amazing texture you provide, and the funny, vulnerable and slightly snarky voice of Simon.
ReplyDeleteI was a little disappointed not to get back to Thomas yet, but I understand this isn't a break-neck paced story. You're settling us into the atmosphere and taking time with the characters, while still leading us forward with the Thomas mystery - even with small things like Simon circling around the parking lot and seeing that the winnebago is still there. Part of my feeling of enthrallment is knowing as a reader that I'm in good hands.
I love all the movie stuff and playing with the idea of how Simon's very movie literate mind will filter his real life experience. It's just another awesome texture to add to this story.
By the way, Is it just me, or does Simon's movie sensibilities mirror your own a little bit? I loved when he created a sub-category in his movie collection for Hughes finest. I totally pictured you doing that!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteTo echo Dave, your writing is enthralling. The readability? Smoothest prose I've read in a long time! More important, you truly conjure this story world in the reader's imagination. I want to live in Blutburgh, with these characters, with Simon filling me in on everything. Even the bit players--the twins and Brian, vegetarian son of a butcher example--have special vividness.
And I love this time of year, those parts of November and December that offer a strange, cold-but-not-snowy desolation. And you use seasonal details (the cold, etc.) to create a magical kind of ambiance in scenes such as that in which Simon and Ingrid are walking, arm in arm, after he closes the shop (early!).
Simon's an awesome character--he's smart and perceptive and he likes Ingrid so much. And of course he would like her--she's cool, she's fun, and, whether she means to or not, she sends him some mixed messages (how about the way she grabs him by the ears and brings him in for a kiss on the forehead, then runs off--oh man!). Because this section develops Simon and Ingrid's relationship so nicely, I'm dying to know how their relationship plays out. What is her arc? And does Simon's desire for Ingrid play a role in any of the momentous decisions Simon makes?
As Dave said, this story isn't the kind that moves at a break-neck pace. Instead, this story leads us expertly through a series of moods, from the quiet of eating a cruddy Thanksgiving dinner alone to the thrill of walking at night arm in arm with a witty and flirty girl to the heart-thumping surprise of finding a thank-you note a vampire has left in your mailbox! You modulate the mood the way master musicians modulate sound. Excellent!
Also worthy of high praise: the snappy dialogue, the humor, the emotional undercurrents, your ability to use only what is needed to cast very vivid pictures in the reader's mind.
Loving this story wanting more!--Andy
Riley,
ReplyDeleteThis piece is definitely readable. And your voice and flow are very good. In fact they help carry the story. You character development continues to be strong with Simon’s compulsive shredding and organizing. I particularly relate to the no interruptions during a movie thing. That’s totally me. I also absolutely love that the butcher’s son is a vegetarian.
The story does make sense and I’m not pissed off. I like how in this chapter you make us wait until the container was placed on the motor home step before you reveal that it contained blood. I was pretty sure I knew what it was before it was revealed but I wasn’t sure. Then when it turned out I was right about what it was, and about what he was going to do with it, I felt satisfied and kind of proud of myself. Readers dig that.
Love the development of the excitement Simon feels at Ingrid paying him a visit and being close to him. We’ve probably all been there, done that. It was so real. As my teen years flooded my memory it was actually, kind of painfully real.
The “Thank You” note was a great chapter climax. It was also a great way to bring us back to where we began. You created a nice, satisfying arc.
Alan
Thanks for the kind comments, everyone!
ReplyDeleteAlan--Thank you for the comment re: having the reader THINK that the container held blood, but not knowing for sure till the end of the chapter, then being satisfied in figuring it out. That's exactly the response I was hoping for, and I'm glad it's coming together. Also, I'm glad Simon's obsessive behaviors are coming through (without, hopefully, being too overt). And the Ingrid-Simon relationship. I'm happy that it feels authentic. Thanks for the insight!
Andy--I like what you said about moving the story through a series of moods. I do want the reader to FEEL this story. It is very deliberately set in the time and place that it is. Being subtle about it is the trick for me!
And Dave--organizing movies in Simon's way is TOTALLY something I would do. He and I share some obsessive traits... :)
Ri
Riley,
ReplyDeleteSorry for being so late. I was speaking at Mayo that week, got behind, and it took till today to sweep today's work away.
I read this story at a very fast pace. The language allows, no, demands, absorbing, not reading. I am not conscious of sentences or construction or what came before or later. I am standing at Simon's shoulder watching him open, fold, shut, wash, fold again. I can feel how he feels when Ingrid is around. So, it flows anywhere you want it to go because we are in the hands of a talented writer.
I would like to suggest to those of us that are submitting from one novel in progress that we perhaps include what has been submitted before. So, you submit 16 new pages, but have the first 100 handy also.
Any thoughts on this?
I want to know where the old man is all the time. He has this wierd father image of a man that almost got it right, then lost his way and is looking for a way back or at least out of the place he is in. I will copy this and include it in the blog.
Very well done, hurry up with the next 20, but consider including what came before. It is hard to keep searching for files a few months old.
Great job,
Bill