Andy,
Here are my comments on "Steve, Bobby and Lacey." You have to start writing between 3 & 5 am. That way, the rest of life won't get in the way of the rest of this story. I'll buy the book.
Love the characters, their plight and yearning and all the rest of our MFA terms. Bottom line, I know I am in the hands of a good writer as I read this story. By the way, that is a Ron Koertge line.
I am off to Mayo next week to speak at a conference. I am using all my writing and teaching tools to make a 50 minute presentation on the use of "Social Media In A Rural Hospital."
Bill
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, October 10, 2011
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Andy, Andy, Andy.
ReplyDeleteIt’s always so much fun to read your writing—thrilling, even. This story is no exception. Great voice(s). Interesting protagonist(s). Solidly told.
You do an excellent job of top-loading the first two pages (in a subtle way), providing us with the who, where, how old, and when right up front. Great job!
I love the details. The flannel. Legos. Clay. And I love the occasionally arresting descriptions your characters provide, like when Bobby talks about the emptiness of Steve’s living room or what passed between them when they locked eyes as Steve rode away from Jimmy and his friend or Steve’s selfless sandwich sacrifice sequence. Say that five times fast.
And you’ve given each voice its own distinct flavor. I get a sense of the world view of each just by the way they narrate. In short, I read Steve different than I read Bobby, and that’s good, especially since I imagine this is going to be a two or three voice story (will Lacey have her own chapters, too?).
Only things I’m wondering right now are
1. Whose story is this? I feel like it’s Bobby’s—maybe because we begin with Bobby, and because Steve’s chapter is incomplete (incidentally, are you familiar with Bobby and Steve’s Auto World?). But I think it’s more than that. While both voices are great, Bobby’s seems weightier. Does that make sense? I feel more connected to Bobby. At least in this snippet.
2. Why, oh why, do you torture us by only sending 10 pages!? ☺
Keep up the good work! Can’t wait to read more.
Thanks!
Ri
P.S.
I’ll send you a manuscript with some comments shortly.
P.P.S. I HEART stop-motion animation. Who doesn't? One of my college roommates was big into Legomation, and we all helped him create a David and Goliath movie for his religion class. What a great idea for a premise you have here!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I always enjoy about your writing is the relationships you develop between your characters. Your characters are compelling on their own but then you put these different personalities together, that shouldn’t become friends, but they do, and it makes sense.
Your character development of Steve and Bobby actually makes me feel more sorry for the jock than for the dweeb. You make it clear that Bobby values Steve’s friendship a great deal but at this point in the story it is Steve who needs the most, and Bobby is there to give it to him. Although Bobby and Steve are from different ends of the social spectrum they complement each other. It’s a great formula for true and meaningful friendship. You’ve developed the kind of friendship that can last when all the stuff that seems so important in junior high and high school is found to not be so important after all. It’s an important message and full of truth.
I don’t have much to suggest by way of improvement. You might consider waiting until later in the story to reveal the bit about Bobby and friends being transferred into the clay figures they’d sculpted. Could you make it just a hint at this point? It would be interesting to see what the others think.
You’re a great writer, Andy, and you always succeed in pulling me into the worlds you create.
Alan
Andy, my immediate reaction to these arresting ten pages is a mixture of feeling that thrilled "this is so awesome" feeling and disappointment with not being able to read further.
ReplyDeleteI'm excited about what the story promises in the first paragraph, but that's not why it keeps me reading on. I think Alan's suggestion of waiting later to introduce the clay figures plot and instead just hinting at it up front might be something worth trying out. You're very good at leaving hints at things to come that make our brains go wild with the possibilities.
What really makes me keep reading is the heart and quirk and aliveness here in just that perfect combination which lets me know I am in a story by Andy Cochran. As others have said, it's the characters and their relationships that this story is about. And I am compelled forward by the fact that you start before they were friends. What a fabulous hook for Steve - "football star and not yet my best friend in the galaxy."
Inspired work as usual, Andy.
Thanks, guys!
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