Just sent 18 new pages. Can't believe I actually got it down. Tramp meets new victims of Rodney's "Talented Animal-Napping"ring. And, he learns about making humans hear him.
Let me know if Tramp's world works.
I still have two bits to comment on. I will.
Writing that kicks your ass
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Hey Bill, I'm sending you the manuscript now with my comments. I've never tried this before and I don't use Word, so hopefully you'll be able to open it up ok. I really enjoyed these pages and the inclusion of the new characters. This story is just becoming more fun every time.
ReplyDeleteCan you give us more Flip action? What a fun personality he is! I'd like to see the little bit of dialogue he gets in this piece flavored more with his personality.
I enjoyed the part with Shannon's connection to Suzette and the way you revealed how humans can understand animals. It raises a lot of intriguing possibilities for the crime fighting team to manipulate the bad guys and communicate with the good guys.
It also raises a lot of questions. Like what would this story be like if Tramp could do this from the beginning? How did he never think about wanting Colin to understand him all this time? Do only the talented animals have this ability? What if you made it like a telepathic bond between animal and human, where the animal could only choose one human to have this bond with? If not, it seems the animals should have some reason to be incredibly selective about who they choose to communicate with, otherwise the rules of your world will change so dramatically that it will be a different story altogether.
As always, I really enjoy the moments of connection you show between animal and human. Like Shannon and Suzette's scene. Great work, sir!
We're still working out the problem with Alan being able to post. So, for now, I'll post his comment about this piece.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading more about our friend Tramp and his pals.
The basement scene could have come right out of a Disney animated movie. The animals in danger brings me back to when I watched 101 Dalmatians as a child. Like the mom and dad of the Dalmatian pups in that movie Tramp and Suzette are a great male/female team. In your story, Suzette is as much a hero as Tramp.
Although Suzette is very heroic and at times takes the driver’s seat, you succeed in making her come across as the kind of girl dog who would be quite alluring to any boy dog. She could only be poodle.
Like Tramp, I too want to know what’s been going on with Suzette. Why is she so good at unlocking and opening doors? Where does she go and what does she do?
I think I like that an animal can choose to have its human understand what he is saying while other humans only hear barking. Perhaps this could be limited to a very few or even just one human.
I wonder if Polly should tell Tramp about the evidence on the walls behind the cages before they leave the basement the first time. In a way it ups the tension for them to have to go back into the lion’s den, but some readers may see it as an interruption of the flow. Just something to think about. It may be best as it is.
If you haven’t had a chance to check out Hank the Cowdog, I highly recommend it. Hank is a sort of detective dog that’s been entertaining kids, and certain adults, since the 70s.
Thanks for keeping us guessing with Tramp,
Alan
Great ideas! Maybe Tramp & Suzette's blood scent leads to trust
ReplyDelete& human conversation. Then move this "AHA" moment earlier in the narrative.
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ReplyDeleteThanks to Dave and Alan!
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteSorry this is so late. It’s been a busy autumn here! Thanks again for a great read. It’s always fun to dive into the latest Tramp chapters!
Tramp continues to be a lovable protagonist—and an astute narrator. I like how he often seems to ask the very questions I’m thinking as I read the story. Feels like I’m experiencing the action with him that way. Really pulls me in.
And I Agree with Dave and Alan that the communication between animals and humans is a great development with a lot of possibilities. Perhaps, as you said, Bill, it has to do with blood scent. Perhaps it’s something else. But my suspension of disbelief tripped a bit on the idea of him simply needing to want Colin to understand. Because I’m sure he would have wanted it before. Whatever you decide the connection is, maybe consider how (and with whom) the animals communicate revealing something about specific relationships between the animal and human characters (i.e. Shannon & Suzette, Colin & Tramp, etc.). Like maybe the communication is different for everyone? And maybe then it could tie into the "aboutness" of your tale?
And I think the communication “reveal” works okay at this point in the story. It could be earlier in the narrative, or it could stay where it is. But I think if you have it here, then a little more groundwork must be laid early on. There should be foreshadowing that suggests whatever the link is. But be subtle, because I think it is fun having it as a “reveal" that you readers won't necessarily see coming but will be able to look back in the story and be like, "oooh, of course!" :)
Thanks again, Bill.
Happy writing!
P.S. I’ll email a manuscript with comments to you shortly.
Riley,
ReplyDeleteHow great to have contrasting viewpoints on human - animal conversation. Thank you. I have decided to try our coaching approach at work. I am scheduled to speak at Mayo on Oct. 19 on "Social Media Use In Rural Healthcare." Next week I will invite some of my colleagues at the hospital to review my 50 minute power point and ask for their coaching advice. I will wear protective clothing.
Thanks again to all our Write Fu Team.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm late posting.
I'd like to agree with the praise the others have given--especially with Riley's point about Tramp continuing to be a lovable protagonist and an astute narrator. In the basement scene, he demonstrates how clever he is--and how heroic. I'm expecting more heroics will follow, as he has promised the mice he'll return for them.
I also wish to praise how well you create the tone of the basement scene. The vividness arises because of the writing's starkness and your careful choice of very suggestive details. As I read, I prickled from the danger.
I do feel that Tramp's learning how to communicate with Colin changes the story's fantastic "rules." I like the questions the others have posed regarding this. You may want to try imagining what benefits the different possible solutions would offer. Perhaps play "What if?" Say, what if Tramp tries at various times throughout the story to communicate with Colin, perhaps knowing that communicating will not only bring him closer to Colin but also may help them solve the case and rescue the animals?
All in all, wonderful job, Bill! I sense the story's coming to the climax soon. Have you finished? Or feeling close?
Bravo!