This will be the first 21 pages of Albert No-name again. Sorry. I just don't feel like it has been what I want.
All comments are very welcome. I especially would like to know if I'm improving things or just muddying the waters.
I'll email the piece to each of you.
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
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Alan,
ReplyDeleteYou've done wonderful job reworking this piece. It's amazing how quickly you now pull in most of the main character--you've changed the staging of the opening scene (A's soon-to-be former foster parents are in the next room with Grimsley) so that conflict is more immediate. Also, by having Albert rescue Susie from Lunk and his thugs in the first few pages, you demonstrate A's heroic potential immediately. And how revealing of A's heroic nature that even though he gets trashcanned, he considers the rescue attempt a success because he has diverted the bullies' attention away from Susie!
Rewriting these opening chapters from Albert's point of view has given the story focus--I like it (Are you rewriting the whole story from A's point of view?). I know when I rewrite after making a similar change, I reimagine the story through a new filter, and the story somehow comes out more pure (at least I think it does!), and this story seems purer--like it's becoming itself. There is less of Grimsely now, and I wonder if there could even be less--is the scene with Albert observing her talking to Squeakers necessary? Her intentions seem revealed by the note Albert finds on his bed.
I'm reading your piece while just working beyond the opening chapters of my own novel, so I'm struggling to find when the opening chapters are good enough for me to move on and just move on with the rest of the story. I feel your opening chapters are very fluid and moving forward, and as a reader I'm wanting more story! How far are you into this draft? Where is the story now?
Great writing, Alan!
Great job! Albert's pov is just the right amount of insight and humor. I
ReplyDeletetrust him and his observations that are physical, disgusting sometimes,
"The Sock Episode."
Your chapter endings lead me directly to the next page. Chapter three's
ending could use a re-work giving us another lead to chapter four.
However, I can't think of a better one right now. Good ending to chapter
four.
We are engaged with Susie and Albert. Why does Albert choose to tell his
story to her? Something about the way she smells, the way she walks like a
wolf? Or, is it her voice that reminds him of his family?
I hope they are the best of friends, but they will have their own
relationship challenges. Right?
Is the creature closer to a hyena or jackel?
Now I have to worry about a broken bone in my hand, a visiting
brother-in-law, the first baby born in the new hospital, probably on
Monday, August 1st and other family/job/life stuff.
Who's next?
Alan, I'm going to tell you something I would like to happen with this story, but I'm not sure how much work it would mean for you. So, at this point if it doesn't resonate, please forget it and rest assured you have a hilarious, intriguing mystery of a story here with a truly unforgettable protagonist at it's center.
ReplyDeleteI think there are two voices in this story. The narrator and Albert. The narrator's presence is strong because of all the information he gives us and because of his sense of humor. But we also hear Albert's thoughts throughout as well. Sometimes Albert's thoughts give us the information (Albert thought the beast looked as if it had gotten a makeover from a punk rocker), and sometimes you just tell us (Lunk was the biggest, meanest kid at Bentley Manor Children’s Center). As it stands now, what this is making me want you to try is what I guess would be called an extremely close 3rd person POV. You know, like where the narrator basically is the protagonist, even though it's not explicitly stated? Correct me if I'm getting this wrong.
I say this because there are times where I feel psychically close to Albert and there are other times where I'm hanging farther back with the narrator. But what if you consciously choose to write this story with Albert's voice? You know, 1st person in the disguise of 3rd person but keeping all the omniscient elements you want. Then all the humor and quirkiness would be that much sharper and involving because we're getting to know Albert more immediately through the narrator's voice.
I can think of no better example of what I am rambling on about than Anne Ursu's Shadow Thieves. The narrator's voice had all of Charlotte's sarcastic, hilarious sense of humor and vulnerability. The narrator basically was an omniscient version of Charlotte. And so the author could info dump on us all she wanted and it didn't feel like some other force distancing us from the story.
Here's an excerpt from the opening pages:
"...just last week Charlotte had come home from school to find her mother perched all too casually in the kitchen, pretending she was not, in fact, waiting for Charlotte. But she totally was. Charlotte knew the signs; her mother was not casual about anything. That day the topic of conversation was, not surprisingly, Charlotte and her attitude. Said topic was a particular favorite of Charlotte's mom's; no one in the history of the world ever liked to talk about anything as much as Charlotte's mom liked totalk about Charlotte's attitude."
Anyway, your story is just fine if you don't try out my suggestion, but at least it's an interesting thing to think about.
Good work and keep charging!
Okay, basically ignore what I said in my first comment. I think I jumbled up the terms POV and voice in a confusing way. So to clarify whatever I was trying to say, I know you are already writing from Albert's POV, and I love it. I guess I think it would be fun to see an even closer narrator. One with even more of Albert's attitude and spin on the information he tells us, because sometimes I still feel the narrator's presence as a separate entity. I should be quiet now!
ReplyDeleteAlan-
ReplyDeleteNice. Work. !!!
This is wonderful. I flew through it, excited for each coming page and chapter. It's fast. It's funny. And I really get a good sense of who Albert is (more than I have in previous drafts).
My favorite elements:
-Albert and Susie's relationship. As Bill noted, I anticipate a strong friendship spiced with tension (emerging from their very different personalities).
-Humor. Albert's observations and turns of phrase make it a fun read. And I agree with Dave that an even closer POV (third person limited) might strengthen the narrative. But that's obviously your call.
-Immediacy. I agree with Andy that everything feels more immediate and urgent. Conflict. Albert's potential for heroism. The contrast in his love of wolves (and dog-like traits) with his fear of the jackal/hyena thing prowling the property.
-Symbolism. I love the idea that Albert's behavior is sometimes out of his control, almost animal-like ("It wasn't my fault"). Serves as a nice metaphor for adolescence. I also like the overall animal motif you've got going. You introduce Suzie with a cat-like trait, which is a nice complement/contrast to Albert's dogness/wolfness.
My only suggestions:
Maybe think about moving some things up in the narrative. Like his lock of white hair. Can you mention that in the first page or two?
And his love of wolves (and maybe the planned trip to the zoo). If we know this about him--and know that maybe the trip to the zoo is the only thing that will make returning to the Center tolerable--we'll feel his pain even more when Grimsley doles out his punishment.
Great work, Alan! Write on!
Ri