Hi fellas,
This is a revision of a short story that I once submitted to workshop at Hamline (actually for my first workshop during my first semester at Hamline). I'm at a tough point in my novel draft right now, and I thought it might be nice to try a short story again (and have the chance to "complete" something). Let me know what you think about the two central characters. Do you get a good sense of who each is? Are they too similar? Do they feel authentic? Or flat? What about the dialogue? How is it working? Is it not working? Also, what does this story mean to you? What do you feel is its theme?
I'd, as always, greatly appreciate any other thoughts/feedback you might have, too Thanks in advance for your help!
Write on!
Riley
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, May 29, 2011
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Riley,
ReplyDeleteWonderful writing! Please refer to my past feedback on your work for praise on your deft characterization, crisp dialogue, and ability to suggest so much with so little--that praise applies here, too!
The theme seems to be one of reconciliation--after acting like he doesn't care about Meagan (or simply pointing out she wasn't perfect when it's perhaps too soon to do so), Sean does come to acknowledge he didn't totally dislike her, he even made a sacrifice for her once, and this reveal makes it possible for he and Jack to bury the delicate bundle together (wonderful resonance that image has with what's between these two characters) in a place where they've both buried things (deftly done).
I gather that Sean and Jack were friends when they were young but have grown apart, I think because Jack abandoned for other friends. And that's why Sean's so bitter and seems to point out too soon that Meagan wasn't perfect--she was one of Jack's newer friends and Sean's getting a kind of revenge by exploiting Jack's vulnerability, making it hurt). Being left friendless would motivate Sean to hurt Jack.
I do think the characters are well delineated, though I feel there's just a little something, some point of contrast that might give me that little bit of knowledge I still desire. Perhaps something that suggests both these characters' once-upon-a-time closeness and the chasm that has opened up between them (am I on target here?). I wonder when this schism took place (end of eight grade? beginning of high school?), who initiated it (I'm guessing Jack), and what the consequences were (I could imagine Sean being suddenly friendless, experiencing a kind of social death his parents couldn't help him out of--they're his parents, so they can't offer what friends offer). I'm simply fascinated by what happens in this story and the oceans whirling beneath the text, and so I'm wanting to know a lot of things, but I don't need to know all of them--just enough to suggest the rest, just as the rest of this story suggests so much.
Feel free to let me know the backstory--I'm dying to know!
Again, a wonderful story!
This is a sublime piece of writing, my friend, and I'm truly sorry it
ReplyDeletehas taken me so long to get to it. It's been a long time since I've
sat down and read anything substantial, unfortunately. This was just
the kind of storytelling spell I've missed falling under.
I love how many layers you always put down in your stories. It's the
more challenging path, but yields rich rewards. The estrangement and
reconciliation of these two in the context of death and finality is
poignant. The aliveness of a lilac mixed with messy death. I love
how Sean gets progressively more messed up and bloody as this scene
unfolds. It's kindof like a tangible consequence of estrangement from
a loved one and brokenness that can't be made whole again.
There are two questions that are posed in the story for which I
wouldn't mind more fleshed out answers. One is why it so important
for Jack at the beginning to pick the rabbit off of the road? Sean
asks Jack this question on page four and Jack's accusatory reply seems
to indicate that he's trying to make a point about how Sean doesn't
give a damn about anything, including the death of Meagan. But I
would buy deeper into the story if I could understand more clearly
that this is something about Jack's character. I do get that he
always looks perfect and that he's grieving more than Sean right now.
There may be something else I'm missing.
The other question is on page 12 when Sean asks why the loss off
Meagan hurt him so much even though they didn't get along. Jack's
funny answer about beating the shit out of him could indicate a deeper
answer. For example, maybe you're telling me that the reason the
death hurts him is because Meagan was Jack's friend and not Sean's and
Sean was maybe a little jealous of Meagan. And now that she's gone
it's like this part of Jack that Sean can never have. Ha! Is that
going way too deep? In any case, if you gave me just a little more to
chew on there, maybe a paragraph, I think I might feel a little more
like I've finished the story. I would be interested to see what the
other guys think about my points here, because I could be having a completely different experience with it than a normal reader. There's my two bits for a
piece that I thoroughly enjoyed in all it's thoughtful texture and
compelling dialogue (I wish most of today's TV shows had you for a
dialogue writer). Terrific job as always Riley!
Thanks Andy, Dave, and Alan for your helpful comments! Gives me a lot to think about as I revise!
ReplyDeleteAnd Alan, I'll see if I can post the message that you sent to me. Thanks again!
Riley
Alan's Comments (Part 1):
ReplyDeleteRiley,
You ask questions that are important to answer for any piece.
What do you think about the central characters? Do you get a good sense of who each is?
As individuals, I do get a good sense of who each character is. I think the real power of this scene is who they are together. All the elements are there but for some reason I didn’t really get the power of it on the first read. After reading it a few times I think I understand these two were best friends. Close best friends. They had a relationship that was important to them both but a wedge was driven between them to the point they became enemies. Once, they would have enjoyed the ride together but now it’s almost torture. I don’t how you would make this hot spot hotter but it feels like there is great potential to do so.
Are they too similar?
No. They seem quite different to me. Their physical build, attitudes and female preferences are all different.
Do they feel authentic?
Yes.
What about the dialogue? How is it working?
The dialogue is a big reason this scene so full of great tension.
Is it not working?
I would only suggest anything which might help communicate early on that the characters have a long and important history. You did a great job showing they hate each other at the beginning of the scene, at least on the surface. Anything that might convey that they miss that old relationship, in the right sequence, and without actually saying it straight out could be good.
Alan's Comments (Part II):
ReplyDeleteAlso, what does this story mean to you?
To me, this story is about these two guys who were best friends turned enemies, turned friends again. Now that they are overcoming their differences perhaps their bond of friendship will be stronger than ever. Woven throughout that relationship and strongly influencing it is the death of someone who is, in a way, important to both of them but in very different ways.
What do you feel is its theme?
On the first read I thought the theme was humane treatment of animals. Now I think I see a dealing with the death of a loved one theme. I feel there is also a theme of reconciliation.
I can be a bit dense so it took me few reads to appreciate what you are offering in this piece. I finally realized you are dealing with some extremely powerful and important issues. They are issues that female authors often take advantage of but that men often neglect. You’ve managed to present these issues in a very masculine way. Especially the part where the characters beat the crap out of each other. Now that’s male bonding. Sometimes a punch in the gut and a knee to the groin is as articulate as we get.
Thanks for tackling such important and meaningful issues.
Alan