Here's the opening for Clutch (which used to be Kid Clutch and, before that, Rattled).
I've been using a different approach. Basically, for the past four months, I've been doing all sorts of prewriting with Clutch in an attempt to gain as much knowledge about the story world (characters' motivations and relationships, sensory knowledge of all the settings, possible scenes and scene sequences,etc.) as possible. So this is actually the first scene I've drafted in months, and it may be a little bloated. I'd just like to know how you react to what's here. And, as always, I'm uber-grateful for your brilliant feedback!
Best,
Andy
(Note from Riley: Hi Andy. I posted your original E-mail message here so I'd have a place to put my comments on Clutch. Hope you don't mind! Great work, by the way!)
Thanks for sharing, Andy.
ReplyDeleteI’ve enjoyed every version of this opening. And they keep getting better and better!
I love the vocabulary and cadence to Clutch’s narration. From the sports nicknames (or even just calling a player by his last name), to the slang, to the great insults (dickless asshole!), his language reads easy and feels authentic. I’ve read that one of the reasons John Hughes’s teen dramaedies of the 80’s stand the test of time (despite the outdated clothing and hairstyles) is that he invented amusing language of his own that was entirely plausible, authentic, and interesting, without tying itself to a specific time period. Likewise, Clutch’s language feels fresh.
Also, I have only a basic understanding of basketball (I played in 4th-6th grades). I’m more of a baseball guy. But the game terminology and action is clear and quick and exciting to read (and I think understandable to even basketball laypeople).
And I love the way you weave in details, hinting at what’s happened without giving it all away. You’ve found the sweet spot. Readers like to figure stuff out (but don’t like to feel too off-balance). You’ve given us enough to go on, enough to understand the action and feel the underlying tension, but we want to read on to know more.
Finally, the Boom-boom-CLAP is a stroke of genius. Perfect use of something ordinary and recognizable to escalate tension. It feels like a pounding heart!
I really, really, really can't wait to read more of this, Andy.
Thanks so much!
Riley
Andy,
ReplyDeleteHow do I react to this, you asked. Wow! That’s how I react. Nice. Very, very nice. Best beginning yet. I don’t know what else to say other than to echo what Riley said about your masterful weaving in of information and the gripping cadence of the story etc. I particularly liked, “Of course I didn’t take my one chance at escape.” I want to know what Clutch needs to escape from. I also want to know what Cake-eaters and Dirtballs are but I’m happy to wait to find out. There’s so much rich stuff going on right now. These masterfully placed tidbits pulled me right along. I can tell you know where you want this story to go and as a reader I want to go there with you.
I do still have a vivid memory of Clutch’s dad’s bachelor mobile home and the poking stick. If that scene still fits in with the current tone and with what your story is going, I think readers would get a kick out of it.
You’ve shown me that an already good beginning can become a lot better. I’m still not happy with the beginning of Albert but I’m tired of working on it. You’ve inspired me to go back over it.
Andy, I love starting it like this. The prose moves with the same rhythmic, coordinated momentum as the game, sliding in important information and character dynamics so smoothly I don't even know what hit me. I seriously don't know how you do it! The mystery is so urgently presented I almost shook my laptop when I realized there was no more to read. So yeah, that's how I reacted to it. I could go on about your dialog, character descriptions and action verbs. It all sounds so well suited and authentic, you have created a real, breathing place.
ReplyDeleteI guess I could tell you it took me several re-reads to catch that the smell of whiskey and manure paragraph was a flashback. But that's mainly because I can be a bit of a dense reader, as you did clue us in with "the phantom smell".
So just what is Coach up to - what with giving Clutch that look at the beginning and starting him and talking to his son beforehand about something and at the end uttering those famously dubious words "trust me." And are the principle and Clutch's dad together?
Thanks for this Andy, my friend. Your devotion to storytelling and truth never fails to inspire me to try to do better. I feel like shouting "Dinglebart!", you know what I mean? ;)