I am emailing the next 14 pages of "The Dog And His Boy." Tramp is taken captive by Rodney Smithers, the leisure suit wearing uncle of Big Bob. I am looking for comments and suggestions on the characters and the progress of the mystery and the mess Tramp is in.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteAnother enjoyable section of "The Dog and His Boy"!
I like what you're doing with Rodney--he's not a flat character. He's complicated. He lies to Eddie, telling him his wife died instead of the truth, that she left him. His lying seems to be an attempt to cover up what he thinks of as a failure of his. And she left because she was tired of the cleaning, so Rodney has pursued a course of action that has had consequences. That leads to interesting questions about his character--and I imagine that we'll end up with a more complicated portrait of Rodney than we have now.
Something that may be deepen the story--and perhaps you're setting up a way to reveal all this--is to explore how Rodney might justify or rationalize his actions. I was reading somewhere (STORY by Robert McKee?) about how the antagonist often has a take on reality or morality that is flawed, perhaps fatally so. I wonder what Rodney's take on the morality of his actions would be.
Something else I really like is that Tramp is clever, and he has this plan of getting caught by Rodney so he can get a look inside Rodney's place. It takes courage and an admirable amount of self-confidence to pull something like this off--you have to believe you can get out of the tough situation you're putting yourself into. Also, Tramp doesn't reveal this wrinkle of the problem until Rodney has a rope around his neck and is dragging him into his house--the timing of the revelation is a punchy surprise and is pulled off well. The clever plan, the acceptance of risk, the punchy timing--I'm reminded of the show BURN NOTICE and it's protag, ex-spy Michael Weston.
I also like how you're pacing this story. At the end of this section, Polly is found, but there are still several driving questions--Will Tramp get out of Rodney's with Polly, and if so, how? Will Tramp also save the other animals? Will Rodney be foiled in the end? Clearly the action is rising to the crisis and climax!
Another fine installment, Bill!
Thanks for this, Bill! Sorry for the late response.
ReplyDeleteI echo what Andy says about how you're fleshing out of Rodney (and Andy would know, the expert on the sympathetic antagonist that he is!). I also enjoy Tramp's cleverness. You've entitled this section "Tramp is Taken Captive," but we don't know until the moment of capture that being captured is precisely what he wants!
And with each section I've read of this story, I feel like I understand Tramp even better. He's becoming more real to me. I especially love what you've done with the red blanket. When he's locked in the pantry, wondering what everyone's doing without him (and thinking of his blanket), it's heartbreaking!
And speaking of chapter endings, you do such a great job with them! They're punchy (and often cliff-hangy), making me want to dive into the next chapter!
I don't have much to offer in the way of suggestions. Just keep plugging away. I can't wait to see what happens next! Here are a few things I thought/wondered about, though:
First, while your "showing" vs. "telling" ratio has improved with each submission, I think there's still a few opportunities to show more, especially in dialogue. Right now, there tends to be a lot of exposition/explaining in character's speech. Certainly characters need to offer these tidbits to the reader (in the guise of offering it to other characters), but be selective and think about how the WAY in which characters speak can tell us more about them. You've given some flavor to Rodney's and Eddie's dialogue. I feel like Suzette could use some, too!
When Tramp says he has the best of his poodle and lhasa ancestors, what are some of those specific traits?
This might be nit-picking, but which direction is Suzette facing that she doesn’t see Rodney sneaking up to put a rope around Tramp’s neck?
And I wonder why Suzette slides the key under the door to Tramp? If it's locked from the outside, wouldn’t it unlock from the outside?
That is all! Thanks again! Write on!
Bill sorry for the long time no write. I was back in America for a while, but now I'm getting into the flow of things again. To respond to your question about how we handle writing with our busy lives, my answer is I don't. I need help in this regard too. Right now what I do is wait for things to slow down and then do a whole bunch of writing at once. This means I don't write very often. So that needs to change. I don't know. It feels like THE question of my life sometimes!
ReplyDeleteSo, about your story. What an eerie turn things have taken as our hero enter's the basement! I love the bit about bloodhounds and creature's bloodprints. It makes so much sense that Tramp would be aware of all the memories and ghosts of that place. And that in turn deepens my investment in the story and the character of Tramp as I imagine how this sense affects and changes him.
Tramp is so incredibly brave to intentionally get caught. What do you think about slowing down that whole bit about him being caught and put in the pantry? Maybe tell us what he is feeling or what his visceral reaction is. It must be an independant dog like him's worst nightmare. Make us suck in our breath and hold it for a while.
Do you ever read your stories out loud? I think, especially with first person, this can really provide some additional definition to a character's voice. So guess who Tramp always sounds like when I read your story out loud? Joe Friday! You should try it at least once – it's almost too much fun. Read Tramp with a Dragnet voice or maybe Humphrey Bogart from The Big Sleep.
Yeah, he's found Polly! I definitely sense that climax coming as well, like Andy said. Some crazy stuff's about to go down! Keep of the good work Bill.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteI agree Riley about your chapter endings. They make me to want to know more and grab me emotionally. My favorite ending is at the end of the chapter where Tramp gets captured and he says, “I wish I had my red blanket.” His statement is made more powerful because in the chapter before we learned how much that blanket means to him. That chapter ending isn’t completely serious but it has vein of truth. A tough guy with a comfort blankie. I love it.
Finding out that Tramp was actually looking for his lost canine family was a nice surprise. It made sense that all his sniffing around the lake was actually to find them. I was a little unsure if he was just at that moment figuring out for himself what his own motives were or if his “Aha moment” had come earlier and he is now revealing it to us. I also think you could hit this emotional hot spot a little harder by showing a strong reaction from Tramp when he figures it out.
It’s been a while since I read your early installments and I’m sure I don’t remember everything, but I don’t recall much that would lead me wonder about his canine family or that he had any interest in finding them or that he missed them. A few clues strewn along the way that reveal that yearning without giving away too much could also add punch to Tramp’s Aha moment.
I’m with Andy and Riley on Tramp arranging his own capture. I liked it. That sneaky dog.
I also liked your description of the pantry. I felt like I was there.
A fun story with a lot of surprises.
Alan
Andy, Dave, Alan, Riley,
ReplyDeleteGreat comments. Inspiration and instruction skillfully woven into the written word.
Makes it all worth while.
Tramp now understands Suzette when she barks in French.
Rodney makes the Mrs. wear the same colors he does and she rebels. Rodney is color blind and doesn't know it. He is multi layered.
Tramps yearning for his family appears earlier in the story.
Suzette needs to know if Tramp knows how to use a key.
Just a few of the adjustments I made based on your comments.
Thank You,
Bill
Great to watch a strong story get stronger!
ReplyDelete