Hi all,
I just wrote a long introduction to this section for those of you who haven’t read previous chapters from this story, but then I said “screw it” and deleted the whole mess. Hopefully the work can speak for itself. If you’re really lost, send me an email and I’ll answer any questions (or I can send you earlier chapters from the story).
These chapters come about a third of the way through the book.
I’m looking for any comments about what’s working and what needs work. Thanks in advance, and I hope you all had a great holiday! Happy (almost) New Year!
Riley
Riley,
ReplyDeleteThe more of this story I read, the more of it I want! You develop each storyline incrementally, bit by bit, so some revelation is always tugging me along. For example, Mark and Ingrid don't appear in this section, but their absence is significant--they've gone to the dance together, making me wonder if they're starting to have a thing (Jessi even mentions it to give Simon a little dig).
And most exciting for me is Simon's voice. I love how witty and opinionated he is. He really digs on the Kostlo, and yet he's able to imagine the Kostlo from Benjy's perspective (huge toy section!). Simon's vulnerable, too--he has such an emotional attachment to the knife his father gave him that he got snippy with Ingrid for leaving it at the mission site. He's also miffed that Jessi would go to get cupcakes for her new boyfriend but she never did for him.
Here's one question, and it very well may be one that other sections of the story answer. What does Simon get emotionally out of the missions he and Mark (and now Ingrid) go on? The idea of Simon and Mark going on these missions is so intriguing, and in this section, the Winnebago's reappearance and Simon's investigation of it (after he has returned Benjy home safely) are so compelling that they give the story adventure and suspense.
As I read past sections of _Dark is the Night_, I desperately wanted to read the scene in which Simon and Thomas meet--thank you for giving it here! And I must say that I was fully satisfied with how they meet. I like that Simon's alone--his relationship with Thomas, then, has a specialness that his friends' relationships (if Mark and Ingrid do indeed form relationships with Thomas) with Thomas likely won't have, and that seems to fit with what I've read of the "later" chapters. Also, the descriptions of Thomas in this scene are stunning--at first Simon gets only a glimpse of his face, with a bright red smear across his mouth.
And I love the magical aura around the Winnebago--it makes Thomas all the more surreal. Wonderful.
Something I'd like to know a little more about--and maybe other sections give what I'm wanting--is the dinner Simon's mom is arranging for the Kellermans. Why is she doing this, and what are the stakes--why does the dinner need to succeed, and what happens if it fails? It seems Simon's mom wants to impress the Kellermans. Jessi seems to be Simon's ex and a Kellerman, so I can imagine that the dinner would be extra uncomfortable for Simon.
Riley, wonderful storytelling, wonderful writing--I hope to read more!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of this piece Simon does a lot of grumbling about his situation in general and then specifically about having to go to the Kostlo and being required to take Benji. Prior to this he didn’t seem like the complaining type. You do a good job of showing why he’s in such a mood, but you also remind us he’s still the same old Simon by letting him show affection to his mom and his brother. He even kisses his mom and saves his bro. from dumping it on the landing. I’m glad you gave us these reminders of his character before he rips his ex at the Kostlo. That scene with her was something any young reader who’s ever been dumped will relate to. Not that ever happened to me as a teen, of course.
The dialogue is great. It moves the story along and fills in backstory.
The scene where Simon approaches the RV at the Kostlo parking lot is suspenseful. You could build up the suspense even a little more just prior to that first knock on the RV door.
Simon says that whatever was inside the RV was dead or good at playing dead. Simon would probably be pretty clear that whatever was in the RV would be alive. He would realize that somebody alive recently moved the vehicle and had the tires patched, and judging by poor paint job, whoever owns the RV painted it himself. The “playing” dead bit does set a nice ominous tone.
Simon probably wouldn’t be able to see the tire patches. My understanding is that automobile tire patches are applied on the inside of the tire or are rubber plugs that are pretty much invisible.
I enjoyed how you orchestrated Simon’s first look at Thomas. It was chilling, and was a great way to end the chapter/day.
Alan
I love the language in this story. Simon is alive via the narrative that is believable for a kid his age. 16, I think. The lack of a father, that could be made up for by a strange guy in a van, is chilling, but perfect for the YA section in B&N that has expanded so rapidly. Is KostLo Mart, great name,the same as Wal-Mart that is mentioned in the first bit we read? Or a competitor? You probably don't need both chains in the story.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece finding van, blood, strange guy, then run.
I care most about Simon's relationship with Thomas. The other characters let the reader know what Simon's facing on a daily basis, but the impact of how he reacts from the lost dad and the seeming surrogate dad is what intrigues me as a reader.
Your language and understanding of Simon is great. I would like to know more about how he balances mom, brother, peers, with this wildly unusual new friend.
Great work, Riley.
Riley, this tone, voice, and pace all feel spot on to me. I don't have much to add to what the others have said because I think the biggest suggestion I can give you is to keep doing what you're doing. You have found a story and a voice that you were born to write.
ReplyDeleteIs Simon a bit obsessed with hygiene/cleanliness? He spends a good chunk of time thinking about his zit, sensitive skin, and even massages his blemish with ice. And he tells us how much he hates Kostlo, not because of their questionable business practices, but mainly because of the filthiness of the store.
Nice setup for a contrast with Thomas’ dirty lifestyle. Actually, during Thomas’ blood soaked introduction, I was looking for a touch more of Simon’s nauseated reaction to the blood everywhere and the dead animal smell before he actually sees him.
The loss of his dad on top of other family and teenage angst issues has also made Simon’s voice a little angry in tone. I`m interested to see how the vampire element may present some kind of invitation towards an emotional resolution. I`m looking forward to finding out what his relationship with Thomas will offer him.