I am proud to have sent 13 pages. Without this team, there would be 0. Work, teaching, and now, editing, takes up the the day and night. Does this all sound familiar? And, 13 sounds better for a two week turn-around.
This piece finds Colin, Bobby and Tramp searching for answers and they find an unexpected ally in Dr. Oliver, the vet that treated Tramp for his "Green Stick Fracture." I am finding a timeline of events on the wall to be crucial in the process, and yet, there may be a few erroneous statements. Please provide you usual insightful commentary and point out where you become confused.
Thank you and good night.
Bill
Writing that kicks your ass
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Hi Bill. Sorry this is late. For some reason, I was thinking it was due next Sunday. How time flies this time of year, right?
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing your work. I’m impressed that you were able to churn out these thirteen pages so quickly!
The story/mystery is coming along nicely. I’ve enjoyed the snapshots of this novel I’ve been able to see so far. These pages are no exception.
Tramp’s personality is really coming through nicely. I like how he interacts with the other characters, especially Colin and Bobby. The brainstorming session in chapter twenty-seven (when the boys run ideas by him) is great!
I also like how you work in appropriate vocabulary terms by having characters explain what words mean when they come up. Very well done.
Just two things I think you might want to look at while moving forward:
First, there’s some clunky phrasing that confuses the action a bit. I’ve marked a few of these instances in the annotated manuscript I’ll be sending you shortly. Nothing major. Tightening up the wording in these spots will just help us follow the story a little more easily.
Also, you occasionally tell us more than we need to know (or repeat information). Like when you tell us that Bobby is a good storyteller (twice, I think, in just these thirteen pages). You don’t need to tell us, because you’ve already done a great job of showing us (i.e. when you describe how intently everyone—animals and people alike—are listening to him).
Otherwise, keep up the good work, Bill. This story is really coming together. I hope I get the privilege of reading a completed draft soon!
Riley
Bill,
ReplyDeleteThe setup on the first few pages of an almost telepathic link between Colin and Tramp works for me. Colin says he seems to see things more clearly when Tramp is around and Colin seems to defer to Tramp when ask the dog, “what’s next.” Colin says Tramp is thinking and when Tramp thinks they shouldn’t start with Uncle Rodney because St. Paul is closer, Colin echoes him. Even though the humans can’t hear Tramp you’ve put the canine hero in charge because the humans actions are a result of Tramp’s actions.
Now we know that Polly and Calico are just the tip of the iceberg and are only a part of a full scale organized pet theft ring. I can’t wait for Tramp the dog and his human sidekick Colin to blow this case wide open.
The ending two sentences have strong emotional impact, “The store became a morgue. More dead than alive.”
I agree with Riley's comments. It could use a little tightening but considering how quickly you cranked this piece out, I’m impressed.
Alan
Riley and Alan,
ReplyDeleteWithout the support of good writers who are willing to share their time and talent, poring over a manuscript and making insightful comments and critiques, these 13 pages would still be locked inside a hidden catafalque. Thank you. I am proud to be a part of Write Fu.
Bill
Wow, I'm late. I somehow got thrown off a week too! Bill I continue to enjoy your thoroughly charming caper. One of the things that really shone about this piece was how much fun the dialogue scenes became when Tramp was part of the conversation! My reader’s energy is mostly invested in wondering how Tramp is going to get them to do what he wants them to do next. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI like the further emergence of Calico’s personality. I really felt I got an authentic inside look at what it means to be him – I mean the scene where he talks about how he's getting on with Buster and remembering Polly.
One thing I’ve noticed both in this submission and in the previous chapters is that, occasionally, Tramp’s narrative remarks to the reader are confusing. The psychically-close point of view of the story tells me I’m inside his head and so I should understand what he’s talking about. So if he says something unclear to me, I think there should be a reason it's vague. Otherwise, it slows my reading down while I try to figure out what our hero is talking about. Here is one example:
“I wanted to start with Rodney’s house for obvious reasons.” Are you sure the reasons are that obvious to the reader? When was the last time we were reminded what those obvious reasons were? So I wouldn't mind if sometimes Tramp spelled out what he was talking about just a titch more (but not more than one titch). I want to be on the same level with his snarky doggy detective brain.
And then here are two very minor quibbles:
1)Tramp gagging at the smell inside the vet’s struck me as a human reaction. Perhaps he could do something with his nose instead? I don’t know.
2)The vet recognizes Bobby without having ever met him. So then I thought, well his dad must have shown him a picture. But then when I read that he knew his dad because he’d visited the vet's office before, I thought that would be odd for him to show him the picture of his son then. So, is this my reader’s energy being needlessly misdirected, or is this part of the mystery?
Geez I’m fiesty to today! Hiyaa! Great work Bill and Merry Christmas!
Bill, great work--this story is fun and fast, and it has an exciting emotional component (Bobby's transformation seems tied to the this mystery that we can feel is coming closer to be blown wide open, to echo Alan).
ReplyDeleteI admire how deftly you deal with several characters in the same scene. This section begins with three and ends with seven, I believe, and I'm always clear about who's saying what and whom they're saying it to. The dialogue is good and you trust it to carry the story when it can.
The account Bobby tells reminds me of the best accounts told by witnesses in Law and Order. The witnesses have been deeply affected by what they've experienced and sometimes participated in, but they must tell a good story if the audience will share in the emotion. Bobby tells his story well (I marked on the copy I'll send you how good those last two lines--"The store became a morgue. More dead than alive."--are).
And as Law and Order had good investigative duos, so does your story. Tramp and Colin work well together and the dynamic of their relationship is convincingly portrayed--Tramp figures out ways to help Colin along, Colin is attentive to Tramp, and both are sharp characters.
An enjoyable read, Bill--thank you for sharing!