This is a recap of my comments on the manuscript that I will email to you. You are a master at mixing classic horror and contemporary magic stories. And,making the story yours and new. Albert is a charater that every 5th grade boy will envy because they see his pain and his ability to make his life better. What more could they ask for.
I have no idea how to help you make it better. It is already great. It is clear you are having fun with this and I wish the same for all of us.
Keep going. I even like the Grimsley Glee character that should be in all our stories.
Alan, this is great fun. The story is full of humor, mystery, and action. I agree with Bill that middle grade readers (especially boys) will LOVE this! The banter between the Old Wolf and Albert is great (as are the Old Wolf’s comical asides, especially about Grimsley). I suspect he and the old head administrator have an interesting back-story.
The scene between Grimsley and Ug is good, too. We see a different side of her here: still tough—but with cause. I miss Albert a little bit in this chapter, though. I realize he’s just an observer (not directly involved in the scene), but an occasional thought or reaction from him about the situation would be good. Same goes for the conversation between the Old Wolf and Avian. What are Albert's thoughts on these encounters? His feelings?
I also enjoyed Albert’s transformation scene. The details you include about how his senses come alive and his animal instincts take over (about the new things he can smell and the discomfort of the mouse in the room and the howl he just has to let out) are excellent. And I like how Albert still has the lock of white hair, even as a wolf. Great, important detail.
I think you’re handling the dream sequences well, too, and successfully blurring the lines between the real world and the dream world, keeping mystery and wonder alive in the story.
The only thing I’d suggest for you to keep an eye on is that occasionally characters will be a little information-dumpy (giving just too much exposition to explain what’s going on). I’ve marked two or three spots in the manuscript I’ll send to you shortly where I see this happening. It’s not a major issue, but see if there are ways to integrate some of the information a little more naturally.
Thanks for sharing! Like I said, this is a lot of fun. I can’t wait to read more!
Alan, I wish I'd had more stories like this--witty, adventurous fantasy with a protagonist I'm compelled to root for--when I was young!
I praise what the others have--the appeal to boy readers, the humor, the enjoyable banter, the character complexity that's slowly revealed (Grimsley, the Old Wolf), the transformation scene (because you appeal so effectively to the sense of smell, I feel what it would be like to become a wolf and suddenly have a wolf's very keen sense of smell--I'm inside Albert as he transforms, experiencing the transformation as he experiences it).
The relationship between the Albert and the Old Wolf is something to admire. These characters are so vividly imagined--and imagined in relation to each other (mentor/pupil)--that their relationship is organic and intricate. Old Wolf is whimsical and experimental in his methods, and all the same time I believe that he could be a wonderful mentor for Albert or a disastrous one. He doesn't want Albert to be dependent on a staff right away and does get Albert to tame the tornado, but having a new pupil work with natural disasters is risky, dangerous. He knows that he's being hard on Albert, but he doesn't hide that from Albert (the last chapter in this section ends with the Old Wolf winking, suggesting that he knew Albert was listening when he said that training must be hard).
Albert is the eager pupil who's also willful--he argues with the Old Wolf and challenges him, which gives the relationship some good tension and shows Albert to be an active, assertive protagonist.
What helps me best identify with Albert is his yearning--he yearns to belong, to find his family, and I admire his assertiveness. He aches, but he also strives, and at this point I'll believe he will keep striving despite larger forces tugging him off course.
I do enjoy the Grimsley/Ug scene (amazing dialogue and action and humor!), and I really enjoy the last scene with the Old Wolf and his wife. Riley felt Albert was absent from the page during the Grimsley/Ug scene, and I felt a similar way, both during that scene and the last one. Because Albert has an assertive quality to his nature, I wonder what might happen if he participated more in these two scenes--it might be interesting to see what the other characters would do. What if Albert went towards danger and was there when Ug broke through the wall? How would Grimsley react? The Old Wolf? The guys who have always picked on Albert? And what would happen if, after the wee waterspout lesson, Albert were, instead of half asleep, very fatigued but still able to talk and respond? It might be interesting to see how the Old Wolf's wife would react--would she speak as openly about things or maybe be a bit more guarded?
Alan, what I enjoy (and admire) most about this piece is that Albert and this story world are so richly imagined--I enjoy being in these pages, spending time in these places, with these characters.
I need to piggyback on Andy's comment regarding Albert's relationship with the Old Wolf. I'm not adding anything new, only agreeing strongly with what Andy wrote. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I think Andy hit the nail on the head in characterizing their interaction. There's comfort and familiarity to their relationship, but there's tension, too. And that comes from--as Andy points out--the Old Wolf being wise (but also, perhaps, a bit reckless in his training methods) and Albert being very assertive and willful. I can't wait to see how this unfolds! Because rooting the conflict and action of a story in this sort of concrete, complex relationship (not to mention Albert's unique longings) will separate this tale from a hundred other fantasy adventures, making it meaningful and especially satisfying to read!
I read the first Artemis Fowl book a few weeks ago. I enjoyed its fast pace and its action and adventure, but add quality emotional texture to such a mix--as Alan's piece does--and there's something more that's driving me to read. Artemis Fowl has high emotional purpose, but it's not present on every page the way Albert's is. Skilled storytelling, Alan!
Alan, occasionally you tell us things you've already shown us. For example, you could easily drop the last sentence from both of these two excerpts:
"Ug laughed hugely. He obviously thought he was quite funny and was very proud of himself."
And
"He looked at Mrs. Grimsley. She had her crazy eyes. Albert was terrified."
But the main thing I wanted to talk about wasn't really in the way of a critique. It was the way your writing makes me feel. I get a kind of giddy joy. You do something that I rarely see in stories; you play. It is obvious that you are having a blast, but you are enough of a skilled storyteller that you know how to make the weird, wondrous mischievous things going on inside your brain accessible to the rest of us. So I get a sense that I'm sharing some of the playful imaginative aliveness you must feel as you dream up these things.
I think I'm talking about one of those "can't be taught" things. I think it's the mark of a great storyteller. You are a writer who invites his readers to play with him.
Alan,
ReplyDeleteThis is a recap of my comments on the manuscript that I will email to you. You are a master at mixing classic horror and contemporary magic stories. And,making the story yours and new. Albert is a charater that every 5th grade boy will envy because they see his pain and his ability to make his life better. What more could they ask for.
I have no idea how to help you make it better. It is already great. It is clear you are having fun with this and I wish the same for all of us.
Keep going. I even like the Grimsley Glee character that should be in all our stories.
Bill
Alan, this is great fun. The story is full of humor, mystery, and action. I agree with Bill that middle grade readers (especially boys) will LOVE this! The banter between the Old Wolf and Albert is great (as are the Old Wolf’s comical asides, especially about Grimsley). I suspect he and the old head administrator have an interesting back-story.
ReplyDeleteThe scene between Grimsley and Ug is good, too. We see a different side of her here: still tough—but with cause. I miss Albert a little bit in this chapter, though. I realize he’s just an observer (not directly involved in the scene), but an occasional thought or reaction from him about the situation would be good. Same goes for the conversation between the Old Wolf and Avian. What are Albert's thoughts on these encounters? His feelings?
I also enjoyed Albert’s transformation scene. The details you include about how his senses come alive and his animal instincts take over (about the new things he can smell and the discomfort of the mouse in the room and the howl he just has to let out) are excellent. And I like how Albert still has the lock of white hair, even as a wolf. Great, important detail.
I think you’re handling the dream sequences well, too, and successfully blurring the lines between the real world and the dream world, keeping mystery and wonder alive in the story.
The only thing I’d suggest for you to keep an eye on is that occasionally characters will be a little information-dumpy (giving just too much exposition to explain what’s going on). I’ve marked two or three spots in the manuscript I’ll send to you shortly where I see this happening. It’s not a major issue, but see if there are ways to integrate some of the information a little more naturally.
Thanks for sharing! Like I said, this is a lot of fun. I can’t wait to read more!
Riley
Alan, I wish I'd had more stories like this--witty, adventurous fantasy with a protagonist I'm compelled to root for--when I was young!
ReplyDeleteI praise what the others have--the appeal to boy readers, the humor, the enjoyable banter, the character complexity that's slowly revealed (Grimsley, the Old Wolf), the transformation scene (because you appeal so effectively to the sense of smell, I feel what it would be like to become a wolf and suddenly have a wolf's very keen sense of smell--I'm inside Albert as he transforms, experiencing the transformation as he experiences it).
The relationship between the Albert and the Old Wolf is something to admire. These characters are so vividly imagined--and imagined in relation to each other (mentor/pupil)--that their relationship is organic and intricate. Old Wolf is whimsical and experimental in his methods, and all the same time I believe that he could be a wonderful mentor for Albert or a disastrous one. He doesn't want Albert to be dependent on a staff right away and does get Albert to tame the tornado, but having a new pupil work with natural disasters is risky, dangerous. He knows that he's being hard on Albert, but he doesn't hide that from Albert (the last chapter in this section ends with the Old Wolf winking, suggesting that he knew Albert was listening when he said that training must be hard).
Albert is the eager pupil who's also willful--he argues with the Old Wolf and challenges him, which gives the relationship some good tension and shows Albert to be an active, assertive protagonist.
What helps me best identify with Albert is his yearning--he yearns to belong, to find his family, and I admire his assertiveness. He aches, but he also strives, and at this point I'll believe he will keep striving despite larger forces tugging him off course.
I do enjoy the Grimsley/Ug scene (amazing dialogue and action and humor!), and I really enjoy the last scene with the Old Wolf and his wife. Riley felt Albert was absent from the page during the Grimsley/Ug scene, and I felt a similar way, both during that scene and the last one. Because Albert has an assertive quality to his nature, I wonder what might happen if he participated more in these two scenes--it might be interesting to see what the other characters would do. What if Albert went towards danger and was there when Ug broke through the wall? How would Grimsley react? The Old Wolf? The guys who have always picked on Albert? And what would happen if, after the wee waterspout lesson, Albert were, instead of half asleep, very fatigued but still able to talk and respond? It might be interesting to see how the Old Wolf's wife would react--would she speak as openly about things or maybe be a bit more guarded?
Alan, what I enjoy (and admire) most about this piece is that Albert and this story world are so richly imagined--I enjoy being in these pages, spending time in these places, with these characters.
Bravo!!!
I need to piggyback on Andy's comment regarding Albert's relationship with the Old Wolf. I'm not adding anything new, only agreeing strongly with what Andy wrote. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I think Andy hit the nail on the head in characterizing their interaction. There's comfort and familiarity to their relationship, but there's tension, too. And that comes from--as Andy points out--the Old Wolf being wise (but also, perhaps, a bit reckless in his training methods) and Albert being very assertive and willful. I can't wait to see how this unfolds! Because rooting the conflict and action of a story in this sort of concrete, complex relationship (not to mention Albert's unique longings) will separate this tale from a hundred other fantasy adventures, making it meaningful and especially satisfying to read!
ReplyDeleteI read the first Artemis Fowl book a few weeks ago. I enjoyed its fast pace and its action and adventure, but add quality emotional texture to such a mix--as Alan's piece does--and there's something more that's driving me to read. Artemis Fowl has high emotional purpose, but it's not present on every page the way Albert's is. Skilled storytelling, Alan!
ReplyDeleteAlan, occasionally you tell us things you've already shown us. For example, you could easily drop the last sentence from both of these two excerpts:
ReplyDelete"Ug laughed hugely. He obviously thought he was quite funny and was very proud of himself."
And
"He looked at Mrs. Grimsley. She had her crazy eyes. Albert was terrified."
But the main thing I wanted to talk about wasn't really in the way of a critique. It was the way your writing makes me feel. I get a kind of giddy joy. You do something that I rarely see in stories; you play. It is obvious that you are having a blast, but you are enough of a skilled storyteller that you know how to make the weird, wondrous mischievous things going on inside your brain accessible to the rest of us. So I get a sense that I'm sharing some of the playful imaginative aliveness you must feel as you dream up these things.
I think I'm talking about one of those "can't be taught" things. I think it's the mark of a great storyteller. You are a writer who invites his readers to play with him.