I have posted the most recent pages via email. Tramp is cleverly leading Colin.......well, that is what I want the reader to think. Let me know if it is working.
Writing that kicks your ass
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Also, I sent the pages to everyone before I had Dave's guidance, so if in Group B, read if you wish, otherwise delete.
ReplyDeleteThe mystery deepens and the darkness rises! Boy that last couple pages was intense with the sinister, mysterious Uncle Rodney. Bill, I like your story and your characters. I love the promise of what “special” animals could mean. And your voice is very unique. I think this has been said before, but it's hard to categorize your story. I want to say its an animal who-dunnit for 5-7th graders. But it's central mystery is darker in theme than I am pre-conditioned to expect. Yet it is seasoned well with humour that is both sarcastic and playful.
ReplyDeleteI think I love it best when I see Tramp and Colin start to partner up more consciously on pages 14/15. This crime-fighting dog and boy team feels like the heart and soul of the story. I would like to see this awareness of each other as detective partners come across even stronger. I know Tramp calls himself a detective on page 12, but I'd like them to communicate with each other about it and make plans. I'm probably being too nosy here, but I think it would be cool if they had a clear communication system. Like a shorthand that the reader can easily understand. Like a certain bark is a signal for a certain thing. Or a paw over the nose means something else.
I love love their little connecting moments together. Like when Tramp lays his head on Colin's leg. Or when they're walking home together all wet and shaking off the excess water.
I want to know how Calico and Buster fare together! Buster is hilarious. I still don't understand why Mrs. Oliver took Calico. Maybe you could lesson her hesitation or take out her “I've decided,” line. This way I won't be asking the question to begin with. I'll just know that of course this sweet, kind lady would take Calico. And does she understand Tramp? Mystery mystery.
Continue to work on tightening scenes and making action clear. Don't put things in there that distract us. For example, I really think Chapter 26 could have begun with Tramp and the boys talking it out on the wooden bench, instead of the whole scene of them walking to the bench. There's some great setting details in that scene and Tramp has a moment of reflection, but I think this isn't the best place for it. It slows down the “velocity” of the story. (I got that word from residency. I think Marsha Q.). And then since Tramp can't hear them as their talking and walking, later I'm wondering what they said instead of concentrating more on the important conversation that happens on the bench.
What age group do you imagine The Dog and His Boy to be for? Sometimes your vocabulary tends towards older than middle grade: respiratory shock, conducive, radius, tandem.
This is good, touching and highly enjoyable work Bill! And a true page turner. I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteI liked your opening paragraph in Chapter 19. It offers a look at Colin’s character and because Tramp is so impressed with Colin it also reveals the depth of Tramp’s caring. The wording touched me. As a special ed teacher, anything that shows sensitivity for those who are at a major disadvantage is a hot spot for me.
I do wonder if there is an earlier place that a version of the paragraph could be placed. I wonder because while the information in chapter 19 is important I feel that you did a good job of revealing the info. in previous chapters and in chapter 20.
You did a good job making the personalities of the characters match the kind of animal they are. Buster doesn’t like cats and is nervous and flighty, as a small bird should be. Tramp likes rolling around in smelly stuff and Calico spends a lot of his daylight hours sleeping and wanted to be petted.
Loved this line, “Colin said with a smile that knocked the freckles off his face.”
I liked ch. 23. I was wondering if you’d figure out a way to make Colin understand that Calico’s son was missing because it’s such a hot spot. Yeah, at this point, Collin still doesn’t realize who the kitten is but he’s on the right track.
As Tramp and Coling get further into solving the mystery I’d like to see more of Colin's recognition that, “Somehow I think more clearly with you standing next to me.” We know that the “somehow” is Tramp nudging the boy in the right direction.
On page 16 Tramp says he’s helping the boy solve a mystery but could he instead say his boy is helping him solve a mystery.
On page 20 you set it up so Collin learns from Bobby that the missing kitten is Calico’s son. Good.
“Bobby rubbed my back” on p. 22 conveys a lot. Without saying so, you’ve shown that Bobby is a good guy after all, that Tramp accepts him as such and that Tramp forgives him for the past.
I think there are still opportunities for some general tightening here and there.
I don’t know how you’d go about it but it might be nice if you could do something to make Tramp and Colin feel like more of a team working toward a common goal. Maybe Dave’s suggestion to have a clearer communication between the two is the answer. Although, you and I are old enough to remember the old Lassie episodes that went something like this:
“Bark”
“Billy fell into a well?”
“Bark”
“The one over at the old Jorgenson’s place?”
“Bark”
“You want me to watch out for a rattlesnake that’s under a chunk of granite on the northeast side of the big old oak?”
“Bark”
People still make fun of that. Just something to watch out for.
What I really like about your story is that Tramp is in charge. He’s the one directing the show and I hope that whatever you come up with in building the dog/boy team doesn’t diminish that.
I think I also like that Bobby seems to be totally with them. I didn’t see that coming.
Alan I love you suggestion for page 16. That's so fitting for Tramp's character!
ReplyDeleteTo All,
ReplyDelete1) I have a teaching gig in October; teaching a 55 minute poetry class to 10 Jamestown High School English classes. No previous classroom exposure to poetry. What is the one thing you would be sure that they get from this class?
2)The feedback from Dave and Alan is editor quality. I get in a hurry and sometimes miss the subtle exchange of motive and action that they have picked up. Thank you for this dialog.
Bill
Bill, that's a great opportunity--congrats!
ReplyDeleteI'd hope students realize literature is something to be enjoyed. For a poetry class, I might throw some Shel Silverstein and some picture books into the mix.
Are you familiar with Billy Collins' "Poetry 180" project? He tries to gather poems high schoolers would enjoy--I think he's chosen some of Ron Koertge's. Many of the poems are available online at this link: http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/