I've sent you the opening chapters of Kid Clutch and The Breeze--the new incarnation of Rattled.
I've been working hard to re-imagine this story--lots of rewriting and experimentation. In this draft, I'm giving dual narrators a try, and I've tried to amp up Brian's reason for suddenly moving to Winona (though that reason isn't revealed yet in this opening section, do I give enough that the reason seems significant?). I've also been working on deepening the story of the other main character, Trina. Are you drawn into her storyline?
At this point, what I'm interested in is ratcheting up the story's significance and its feeling--does the story hit you where it counts? Maybe some things do but some things don't? I'd love your insights you have into these characters, questions you can pose to help me imagine the characters more fully, and any other suggestions and possibilities you can offer.
Thanks, guys!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI have sent my comments via email with Word "comments" inserted into the text.
Let me know if this works ok.
Comment "17" sums up my feelings about this intriguing story.
"Trina has a mom problem, blames her for a lot; Brian has a dad problem, I think. They are being set up to meet." Next chapter please.
Hey Andy,
ReplyDeleteFirst, great read! I was thoroughly engaged in this story, even though I am personally not too interested in sports. BUT. I am interested in great characters with a great story, and I think you already have the begginings of both here.
First, I think you did a good job of makin gme like both of the protagonists. Brian is kinda cocky, but at the same time very interesting. He has an air of mystery about him that I want to know more about (aka, a great hook!). Why would he leave the "big time" for some small Minnesota school? Why is he hiding who he is? Great questions for the reader to think about. I'm almost wondering if he's missing on purpose or if he's doing it to hide.... maybe clear that question up a little bit in the story. The way he's missing now I wonder if he had the talent and something psyched him out. He lost big. And now he's trying to start over. OR. He's hiding and if he was too good they'd immediately find out who he is, so he misses every shot that he visualizes making in his head. If that's the case, make it harder for him. I assume this is the first game he's basically thrown in his life. He's used to being champ. Now he's forced to hide it, at least for now. how would it make him feel to have this "power" and not be able to use it. Onto Trina. I think she's a very caring character, despite a bit of a callous teenage facade. She's working to pay the bills and fines her Mom should be paying. She goes to pick her up after she's out drinking and driving again. And even though she'd like to leave her in her own mess, she becomes the mother of the story and cleans her mom up. I know (or think I know!) that there will come a point in the story where this relationship has a crisis. Mayvbe she realizes she has to worry about herself, and that her mom isn't her responsibility, leaving her free to pursue her dreams. Maybe the Mom finally ralizes what she's doing to her daughter and tries to get clean. Or, perhaps the mom keeps going darker and darker until she winds up in jail or dead. All excellent roads for this relationship, and paths that you have lain the possibility for in the story already. Nice work! I do wonder about that golf cart. Is it legal to drive that on the open road? I really want Trina to just take a hammer to that things motor so Mom can't get in trouble. :)
Just from twelve pages I can see how both of their stories tie together thematically, so it's clear that when they meet up in the story both of their journey's will be affected. You have on character choosing to hide his talent and another forced to give it up. I think this difference in how they each deal with their skill will be crucial to their development as characters. Excellent chemistry already!
I really like how the first round of chapters went. You know from the heading which character is speaking, and they act differently as well, giving them more distinction. One thing to watch out for is their inevitable meeting. Once they are both in the same story at the same time you have to decide how to handle their roles as narrators. I would tend to suggest that you keep the more critical character as narrator, in regards to a particular chapter. ie, if it's the big basketball game, and Trina agrees to come to it, it should probably be from Brian's perspective since he has the bigger role. However, it could be quite interesting to see him play from her perspective as well. I think that once their stories converge you will have to plan carefully whose eyes' we're looking through. And don't be afraid to try it both ways and decide later which one to use!
I don't know what more I can say. Great believable characters. I like the dueling narrators and expect exciting interactions from them. And I would love to see more of this next go around!
I'd personally like Write-Fu to move more towards a conversation amongst writers... so if you have any questions for me or want to know more about anything I've said (or didn't say) please ask! It'll make me feel less awkward when I ask you guys for more discussion when I submit a piece. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing, Andy! Great opening. I’m totally sucked into the story. I like the changes from the earlier draft. There’s more movement (literally).
ReplyDeleteI will admit, Trina’s chapter is more interesting for me. At least right now. It almost throws Brian’s chapter under the bus, almost makes me want to tell you to forget about Brian and write Trina’s store. ALMOST. But the first two chapters are SO strong (and pull me into the story, emotionally, from two different but complementary angles) that I know you’re going to take us somewhere meaningful with these two characters. And I sense that their interaction will BE the story.
Trina’s chapter is so organic, effortless. It flows nicely. The details are just perfect. I’ve noted specific details I love in the text (which I’ll send you by email shortly). I wouldn’t change much with this chapter. It’s really quite wonderful. We get a little of her story and a little of who she is just in the action of the chapter (and her one-liner thoughts). Like when she wonders who else could be calling? She’s only got ONE friend. And the subtle differences in the way she talks to her friend, boss, and mother help us understand what a difficult juggling act this girl has. Great stuff.
Brian’s chapter is a little clunkier. But only slightly. I want to make clear that this is a great chapter, and a great opening, but after reading Trina’s chapter, I think it could be a little cleaner. We’re getting a lot of explanation in the opening paragraphs. What would happen if Brian told us less about his past and just stuck to narrating the action? Screaming into the parking lot. Sprinting to the gym. Making mistake after mistake on the court. Throughout this, maybe he could give us his own one-liners (but in a different way than Trina’s offering them—we don’t want them to come across as too similar) about his “past life,” offering hints of what he’s left behind. And hints of why.
These characters are so wonderful, the opening so strong, that I trust you. I know you’ll give me what I need, when I need it. So try just trickling the information my way. For instance, instead of telling us all about his clutch performance (and subsequent failure)—after all “Clutch” is in the title—Brian can hint at it. Like him saying he’s from Chicago because he doesn’t want anyone doing a Google search for him. That’s a great detail! Think of how powerful it would be if Brian hadn’t told us so much about what had happened there. We’d wonder what he’s hiding from, what he doesn’t want his new team/coach to know.
As far as emotional charge, you’ve got it, man. On several levels. In Trina’s chapter, there’s the obvious strain from an alcoholic mother, but there’s also a sense of longing—the college letters, the places she wishes she could go. And there’s immediate tension—will she get fired for getting personal calls at work—AGAIN? She loses her shift for the night because of her mother—AGAIN. Could’ve really used that fifty bucks.
And for Brian, even without knowing much about his past, his performance on the court is painful to read (in an emotionally gripping way). You do a nice job of weaving in details about how he EXPECTS the practice/tryout to go (i.e. Brian ends up the hero with lots of friends on the team—especially the really good player) and juxtaposing them against the REALITY of what happens. Just great! That’s the kind of trickling of information I’m talking about, the kind of storytelling that will infuse the narrative with emotion.
Keep up the good work, Andy. This piece rocks. So do you.
Hey guys,
ReplyDeleteAs I wrote to Bill a few days ago, I'm glad we're going again--your feedback is charging me up.
I want the reader to be wondering the question Dan asks about Brian--"Why is he hiding who he is?" And Riley, you make a wonderful point about withholding some info about who Brian is--doing so will generate mystery, intrigue, suspense. Once I establish Brian's on the run, in hiding, I can wait a little while to describe who he is (like the bits about his game-winning shots and his missed free throws at the end of the state tournament). I can slow the rate of revelation.
Bill, you noted something similar in Trina's section--early on, too early, she gives an "over-share" with the never-been-kissed reveal. Not only does the reader not need this info yet, but Trina, as I imagine her, would be a little more guarded with that intimate detail. Maybe it's info for her second or third chapter.
Trickling in the backstory (love that term, Riley!) will be a tough thing to do with Brian's story--after all, he just fled home and will be moving in with his father (who is very much as he was when this story was RATTLED). Next stop for Brian--his father's house.
Brian and Trina will meet soon--chapter four or five. Dan, good comments on using POV with intention. I'll often switch POV in the middle of what would otherwise be one scene.
Here are a few questions:
You guys note some intriguing contrasts between the characters--that one is hiding a talent and the other may be forced to give a talent. Do you notice any other contrasts that may be a source of connection or tension? For example, one I've noticed is how Brian's ego soars and Trina's plunges--that difference in their personalities may influence how they interact, react to one another, etc.
Does KID CLUTCH AND THE BREEZE remind you of any particular books?
Can you guys think of any good books with multiple narrators? Books about a kid concealing his or her past?
Anything about art or craft that has occurred to you during this round (could be something not related to my story at all!)?
Again, guys, thank you very much!
Dan-I love the idea of having an ongoing discussion! Thanks for the suggestion.
ReplyDeleteAndy--A couple books with multiple narrators comes to mind. First, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. This book was actually written by two authors--a guy wrote the male part, a women the female part. Good read, and relevant to your story because of the alternating viewpoints (and male and female narrators). Second, As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner. This book is pretty far removed from what you're writing here, but it's a fascinating exploration of multiple viewpoints. Everyone in the novel tells the "same" story, but with their own slants. It really makes you think about objectivity vs. subjectivity of reality (specifically, whether or not there IS such a thing as objective reality). It's Faulkner so it's dense, but it might be worth a look.
Brian's chapter, at least, makes me think of some of the better sports books I've read--Chris Crutcher comes to mind. Also, Carl Deuker. I think I've recommended him to you before. If you haven't yet had the chance to check him out, you should. He's excellent. Heart of a Champion and On the Devil's Court are my favorites.
Finally, another contrast between the characters--Brian's mobility. Sure, it comes from the fact that his parents live in two different states, but he has the ability--the choice--to pick up and move to Winona when things go south for him in his hometown. Trina has seemingly zero chance of ever getting out of Winona, though clearly she wants to.
Yes, Brian's mobility and Trina's immobility. Awesome observation! The kind that lets me know more of what i have in this story, and what I can do. Excellent.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for the recommendations--I put those Deuker books in my Amazon wish list.