I have emailed the pages to the team.
New Title: The Dog and His Boy.
Less telling, more showing.
Bobby Sigley is not an evil cat killer, now he is a.....
Let me know what you think of the pacing, the characters, the direction you see the story going.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteNice job increasing the showing. I felt much more as if I were in the story.
I like the way this story is going. It’s a good mystery and being from the POV of a dog makes it fun to read. Tramp is becoming a sort of urban Hank the cow dog but he isn’t too canine proud to get some human assistance from his boy.
I felt part of the story throughout but I think it could benefit from some more tightening. That would help me be even more engaged.
Finding Calico’s collar with a license and phone number on it might be a little convenient for older audiences but for a young audience it might be OK. I do hope to read how the collar got in the bag. If it was originally on Calico’s neck while she was in the bag how did it come off?
This installment of Tramp was a huge improvement. You’ve done some great showing and I didn’t feel there was anything too scary even though there is still some dangerous stuff going on. I think I know that if Tramp manages to figure things out then he can save a lot of innocent animals from getting hurt.
Alan
Bravo, Bill!
ReplyDeleteThe short chapters work well for me--they keep the story moving along. I liked the quick pace.
I feel that you also do a good job of writing within the rules this story sets up. You deftly portray the animals communicating with one another, even when in the presence of people (a difficult thing to pull off), and you do a wonderful job of showing how Colin figures out the things Tramp tries telling him.
Tramp's motivation in this section is clear and urgent--he's rescuing other animals and he's figuring out how to get Colin, who's kind and assertive in his own pursuits of rescuing animals, to help him. This section seems to open with Tramp discovering this motivation (as he discovers Calico and the empty bags), so I do wonder how the earlier chapters set up Tramp as a rescuer, if that makes sense (and I can't know the answer without reading the new opening chapters, so I just pose the question).
It is an intriguing blend of mystery and rescue/adventure. If this story were told from Colin's POV, the story would be straight mystery, I feel, but since Tramp knows a lot about what's going on (he knows individual animals and knows Big Bob and Bobby), he has an idea of what he needs to do, and he's on a mission (that he's on a mission gives the plot linearity and a forward flow--excellent). Tramp has to keep the mission moving forward and the effort he has to make gives the story excitement.
The changes I like most of all--and these are the things that make me hunger for more chapters!--are 1) that Bobby is a much more complicated character and 2) because Bobby is more complicated and he cares about the animals he takes out to the island but is fearful of his father, the conflict is much more complex and I expect a very powerful, very thrilling denouement.
I have no idea how the story will play out, and I like that--there's a lot of suspense and the stakes are high (the saving of other animals). But because the author has created such wonderful characters, I expect the denouement will emerge from their natures, if that makes sense. What will Tramp and Colin be confronted with and how will they react? What will Bobby be confronted with and how will he react? I really couldn't wait to see how Bobby grows or (it's always a possibility) fails to grow.
Great job, Bill!
Also, awesome pic of your pooch!
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, sorry this is so late! Secondly, I agree with what Alan and Andy have had to say, and I'll try not to overlap their comments too much. Thirdly, I’ve sent you a copy of your manuscript with a few more detailed comments. I'll keep my thoughts here on the "general" side.
It’s great to see more of this story! And I’ve gotta say it again—I love the “first dog” narration/POV.
Good characterization. You've created and developed (through more showing) unique, likable characters. I have a great sense of who Tramp, Calico, Colin, Buster, and Mrs. Oliver are from their words and actions. Great job!
And I love your use of humor. It’s very subtle and works well. I like the communication between animals (and how they interact with humans). Buster is a hoot. Also, I love the scene when Tramp and Calico cross the channel. It really brings out the personality of these two characters. Especially Calico. Very funny.
You help me get a pretty descent sense of place without a lot of overt description, too. You work it into the action of the story. We know that it must be somewhere in Minnesota when, at the end of this section, the St. Paul phone number is found (although, I think this is mentioned in an earlier section of the book, too). But before I KNEW the location, I still felt like the story was set in Minnesota or Wisconsin, with the lakes and rivers and foliage, and boats, and whatnot. Nice job.
Only things to work on—there are times when I get a little bit lost in a scene (the end of chapter fourteen is a good example, or the scene in which Tramp and Calico are opening the sacks Bobby left). I know it’s a delicate balance, because you’re writing a mystery story and don’t want to give too much away. But we should still be rooted in a scene and have a clear sense of what’s happening (or, at least what we THINK is happening). We can be wrong about it, and you can surprise us later with a revelation or twist, but we shouldn’t feel lost in the action of individual scenes.
One more thing to watch out for: Right now, Tramp’s personality is strong, and that’s good. But in the last chapter or two in this section, he turns into a bit of a Lassie character, trying to get Colin (Timmy) to understand the situation—gesturing, pointing, whimpering, or some such. My suggestion is to continue to give us Tramp’s thoughts through all of this. He can be fiercely loyal to Colin, but still get frustrated with him. So, as he’s trying to get Colin to follow him, maybe we can get some of Tramp’s trademark wit, quips, etc. Create more interplay between Tramp’s inward thoughts (that Colin can’t hear) and his outward actions (that Colin’s trying to figure out). Does that make sense?
Great stuff, Bill. Thanks for sharing. Can’t wait to see more of this!
Riley