Hi all,
Sorry this is so damn late. I am a bad person.
What you have now is the first four chapters of a YA novel I'm working on. Dave, you've read most (not all) of this already, but I think it's new to everyone else.
Some questions (similar to Andy's):
1. What's working? Not?
2. How's the characterization?
3. Is the protagonist sympathetic?
4. Given what’s here (especially in chapter one), what are your expectations? Where do you see the story going? What contract do you expect to be fulfilled?
Thanks!
Riley
Writing that kicks your ass
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
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1) There's a lot that's working--and working very well!
ReplyDeleteThe mystery of what exactly the controversial thing that Simon did/may have done (he does say it isn't his fault) is working very well. We get clues and how other characters feel about what Simon did (Mark and Ingrid feel so strongly they don't even want to forgive him), and those things accrete and build suspense and add appeal to the mystery-- I want to know!
The dialogue is awesome--so good you can rely on it to actively drive the story. Also, you're trusting that your dialogue can do that, which is excellent--you're writing with confidence.
Simon's narrative voice is awesome. Dynamic, thoughtful, insightful, reflective at times (important because this story has a before/after structure or method of development--some big event happens between Nov 15th and Dec 7 th, and I feel that big event changes Simon, deepens him).
There isn't much here that isn't working for me (I want to keep reading!). The only thing coming to mind is, at the very end of this section, what Simon's motivation for not wanting Ingrid to come with him and Mark to scope out the camper. Simon thinks of her as a keeper for getting the War of the Worlds prank and not caring about what the rest of the class thinks of her, but then Simon doesn't want her to come on the mission. Why? I think all I need is a brush stoke. A sentence or a detail.
Oh, another thing that's working--how you bring Simon and Ingrid together so fast, and by "bringing them together" I mean that you've established quickly why they'll be together in ensuing scenes, even though they have just met for only the first time. I already know that they and Mark will be checking out the camper and that from there bigger things will happen, I just don't what or how--I'm hooked!
2) You characterize deftly. For example, I even know what Simon's father was like--you establish what he was like through the dream and Simon's remarks about him. Another place where you deftly characterize is Benjy's first time coming on stage and we can see exactly what he is like (he tries winking but blinks--a wonderfully endearing image of innocence) and what Simon and Benjy's relationship is like. The other characters--Mark, Simon's mom, Ingrid, etc.--are as deftly characterized.
3) Simon is sympathetic--he has depth and he has sympathy for other characters. Yes, he may have done something other characters don't approve of (whether Simon's truly responsible isn't clear yet), but he's trying to right whatever has gone wrong. He doesn't want to do the conference, but he's going to anyway because he feels he has to.
4) What you do so well is alternate between two storylines--one heading towards Simon and Thomas and Ingrid meeting Thomas and towards whatever it is that Simon may/may not be responsible for (the whole John Terwilliger business?), and another storyline that's heading towards the press conference. You weave these storylines deftly--the pattern of plot and relationship development is something to be admired.
I do expect that Simon will get a shot at redemption. He seems to have failed in some way and I feel that he'll have a shot to make things right, even if things can't be as they once were, and this redemption may involve healing his relationships with Mark and especially Ingrid. And what's going to happen to Benjy? What has happened to Benjy? And what will Thomas's fate be? As I reader, I'm wondering how the heck the conflicts are going to be resolved (I love that feeling!)--and I'm wondering how some of them came to be. Where this section ends, I'm reading hungrily!
Awesome job!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteGreat first sentence; it hooked me and the rest of the first paragraph set the hook deeper. What’s up with the slouching, the candles and the black rubber coating the windows? I want to know!
The second paragraph brought me in deeper still.
“I’m late for Biology,” I say, looking at my naked wrist, a pasty white band where Dad’s watch used to be.
It’s short but says so much. The protagonist is in school, he has the habit of looking at a watch that is no longer there and the watch was his dad’s. I have no doubt that each of these pieces of info. are important.
By the end of page one there’s plenty of mystery and I’m compelled to go on to page two. Although with all the vampire stuff out right now I am hoping that the “fang” comment and the possible aversion to light suggested by the rubber on the windows isn’t leading up to the old guy being a vampire. I love the rotted out teeth though. It would be quite ironic for a vampire to be toothless.
Great return back to the absent watch on page 2 and thanks for the flu clue. I’m glad you described the protag’s cloths on page 3. It really changed my view of him. I was thinking of him as a casual dresser who would not want to be picked out in a crowd. However, with the description of his clothes, I suddenly see we are dealing with someone who might be a more careful personality type, perhaps respected and certainly noticeable in his blazer.
You keep up the suspense with the introduction of the Terwillger character. Now I want to know who he is. You’ve succeeded at giving a lot of fascinating information in a few pages without giving away anything that the reader should have to work for. You also manage to avoid bogging the story down with too much info. too quickly.
I Love the blood mobile idea. It almost makes me inclined to accept a vampire character. It would be the perfect place for toothles blood sucker.
Great ending to chapter one. Your play on the word hope is clever and saying hope is fading is a great foreshadowing device.
I agree with Andy that you skillfully use dialogue to move the story along. The dialogue tells the story well and is a good fit with your first person narration.
I was grateful to be given the protag’s age on page seven but I wonder if it could be revealed that he’s sixteen a little sooner. The dialogue with his mom helped me place his age but before page seven I still wondered if Simon might be a college student at some expensive private college.
Great references to dad throughout. They kept me wanting to know what’s going with the father.
I like Simon’s neat freak quirk, it’s unique for a male YA main character. That quality made him more sympathetic to me as did the suggestion at the beginning that he might be behind some real do-gooding.
I see the story going toward Simon having an increasingly more difficult time faking the Terwillger character. I see this sham somehow connected to his pranks.
I see Simon getting tighter with Ingrid and I see a developing rivalry with his friend Mark for her affection. I see the mystery of what happened to Simon’s dad being cleared up and I suspect it will have some connection to Simon’s pranks and other secrets.
I had fun reading this.
The language throughout is enviable,"a pasty white band..." The first chapter sets up the conflict and mystery very well. So many clues about Thomas's existence,"dead animal odor," and " skin on his forehead wrinkles like wet paper.." Reminded me of Skellig, in that I want this character to have some saving grace, but I won't know for awhile. And the boy in the hospital with who knows what ailment. Imagine what the nurses think, and how about the doc on call, and the marketing guy trying to figure out what to tell the press.
ReplyDeleteSo, lets say I am your reader, a ya boy.
I love the first chapter.Living in a winnebago with a wierd old guy of unknown age and orientation, going to a religious prep school, fun. The ending sets me up for big conflict and resolution. "HOPE is fading too."
Chapter two has a morning feeling and set up for what went on the month before. Simon is a prankster, misses dad, wears a uniform in high school, didn't we all? Mom does dumb things. Winnegbago in the neighborhood.
Chapter 3 - when? I am now confused, but I love the five year old's memories and the develish details. "Press Conference?" early phone calls from buddy Mark? Ingrid is a co-conspirator for what?
Chapter 4: When? November 15 again? New beautiful girl, Ingrid. And she is literate. And wants to find out about the camper.
Great characters, great physical detail, I am very interested to see what happens next, after I decide to forget the dates. I like back story, moving through time, but if I am a ya boy, will I put up with the slight confusion. Looks like Alan and Andy didn't have the momentary issues that I did.
All in all, I know I am in the hands of an exciting narrator, thus a very talented writer, so I will plunge forward to find out what the ... is going on here.