Not so gentle men...
I just sent my Cherry Picker story to Alexandria LaFaye, my deadline was TODAY! :) So you get to sample what the experts get to look at...(Check your E-mail!)
Some things I am looking for:
Readability. I want you to have the impression that these guys are really talking and communicating via a variety of platforms such as game chat, texting, email, email to text, blog (I think that is all in these 18 pages!)
Teens have an entire life that happens after their parents’ lives are over for the day, and for many that heavily involves technology.
The language. Workshoppers have complained about the language (all women). Thoughts from the guys? Is this REAL?
My age group is 14-19-year-olds, the action takes place shortly before the beginning of their senior year. Hi-jinks ensue...
Thanks for looking at it!
Jason
PS: Hope you enjoy my the mock-up of my cover that I use for inspiration! ;)
PPS: Remember to comment below this entry.
ANDY'S COMMENTS PT 1
ReplyDeleteJason,
So much to praise! With Ryan you've created a sympathetic character who is clever (all he has done with the Man Cave!) and, yes, nice (he's a good big brother). I love how brilliant he has been in constructing his Man Cave, a place of independence but perhaps too self-isolating (he has set up quite a mechanism to warn him when people are entering his territory!). In this way, you've created not only a vivid and unique setting, you've also created one that informs how the reader understands your protagonist. Also, by exerting so much influence on his setting, your character has power and displays his smarts and his abilities to work with technology and with his hands. He's a creator of sorts--a builder.
For me, the reading is smooth. There are a few little things I'm not clear about, but they're minor and don't arise from the use of multiple kinds of texts/media. You use the multiple media smoothly--as a form of dialogue, it seems, which works well--and by employing all these media you convey that immediate connectedness teens must feel they have with each other through technology. You make good use of this immediate connectedness, this network of instant communication--you're able to convey to the reader what's happening in this community of teens right now, tonight, and that makes the story happening (in the hip sense!).
I feel the language these characters use is 1) very realistic, and 2) used for intended effect that always works well for the story. All the communication (dialogue included) between the characters feels authentic, and that, I think, is hugely important to a YA story (or any story) working. These characters have realistic voices that make them feel like real people. They are distinct individuals, and you employ language in so many interesting and surprising ways that the reading feels fresh, lively. Wonderful job!
The plot is developing nicely. I feel that Gretchen may be the character taking on the role of antagonist, and at the end of this section, I'm eager to find out what her reason for pulling of this stunt is--suspense! And she feels like she has the ability to really stir things up--she is sort of like the puppet master of the whole incident involving Jeff recording the girls, and she seems to have manipulated Jeff, too. She comes on stage, and the game changes. Excellent.
To use that "what do we know, what do we think we know" method of critique, I think I know what Ryan wants, though I don't feel I know with absolute clarity, and maybe that's fine because Ryan himself may not know exactly what he wants. I do know that he likes Allyssa and he wants her to like him, so I feel that he does want connection. And I don't think he's at all a guy searching for "The One"--I think he just, plain and simple, likes Allyssa, and that's good except she writes this post in which she says he's nice though not exciting (and while Ryan feels this is a "nut shot"--and who wouldn't be a little hurt about being called nice and not exciting?--I'm under the impression that Allyssa is cool with nice).
Maybe what Ryan wants will become clearer as he goes through the pressures of the conflict. The trials he'll face will be ones of temptation (I gathered this from the comments you had inserted), and it seems that he'll be faced with a libido's dream come true--many partners. But the libido is only a part of a person, and from the way Ryan cares about Allyssa liking him, I don't feel that many partners will make Ryan happy, will make him feel like a whole person. So I wonder, what is it that would make Ryan whole? And maybe that goes along with what Ryan needs, and what he yearns for?
ANDY'S COMMENTS PART 2
ReplyDeleteSorry, Jason--all my comments wouldn't fit in one post!
One minor thing I wonder is if Ryan, soon after he reads the blog post and maybe even as he's texting Allyssa, might flashback to his night with Allyssa. The experience would have been very memorable, maybe intensely so, and so soon after the experience he may vividly recall it. Even if the flashback comes in little bits--how her face looked, something she said, some other small but significant detail--that may convey the nature of his reaction to the blog post. And from his text conversation, having sex with Allyssa does seem to have been meaningful for him--he wasn't just messing around.
One other minor question I have is about the timeline of what has happened to Jeff just before Ryan contacts him. It seems there has been a game (girls basketball?) and, sometime after this game Jeff makes the recording of the girls in the pool, and shortly after that, Gretchen finds Jeff, breaks his pone, and takes the memory card. When was it that Gretchen told Jeff to be in the pool--before, during, or after the game? A minor detail.
Jason, again, wonderful writing--very impressive! And please let me know if I haven't been clear about something.
Andy
BTW--love the mock cover!
ReplyDeleteJassan,
ReplyDeleteI didn't get your piece via e-mail, or I deleted it by mistake. My e-mail address is alanwowmarkham@yahoo.com. I'm having a hard time not readig the other guys' comments before seeing your story. I better put down the laptop and walk away.
Alan
Andy: it is a great experience, having men read this work, as I feel that many of the comments that I receive in workshop (and from advisors) often are from the female perspective and are looking for something more feminine in their characters. I am reviewing your comments with enthusiasm, and I received Alexandria's comments back today, both yours and Alexandria's are excellent I might add. Thanks for looking at this guys... Alan, I hooked you up via e-mail...
ReplyDeleteJason, I liked this one from start to finish.
ReplyDeleteReadability: Not only was the use of communication via various media authentic and smooth to me, it was effective in revealing character in a way that regular prose wouldn't have been. Like using caps and double exclamations and abbreviation slang. I liked how it gave setting too. Like "alwaysonpoint: F-U Special K. respawn at checkpoint 4."
I thought the various platforms of language was also intriguing. Like another level of immersion into this world. You are so obviously a YA reader and HS teacher. I think you have a great grasp of the rhythm and slang of American teens.
One thing I would look forward to seeing even more of is the use of these modes of communication to sharpen each character. Like Casey's style frequently being all caps and almost bullyish. Or Allyssa being big on the emoticons like ;). I almost see her personality like the emoticons. Kind of short-cut facade-like expressions of feeling contrasting to Ryan's deeply-felt thoughts.
Language:
Assuming you mean the cussing? It did sound authentic to me. I could see what they might mean though when I read Ryan's narration in curse words. Like when he says "Kevin-Fucking-Birsich." Kind of jars against this idea I have of Ryan being a nice guy. Yeah he cusses with his friends, but would he be an ass in his inner thoughts too? Maybe he would. I know I'm a nice guy, but I've been known to rip the occasional bloke a new one in my head!
Speaking of nice guy. This is the most intriguing thing to me when I read this. Ryan feels deeply and has a sensitive nature. He hates being labeled nice and is clearly pushing back against that, which will be entertaining and compelling to see. The obvious thing to me is he has layers of truth-seeing beyond the normal kid. This is evident to me not only in how he is looking for something more from Allyssa, but also in the way he clearly values alone-time and how he knows about star surfing.
So, why is he going to be a Cherry Picker? This is the most interesting thing to me. Why is a deep, caring soul going to go on what seems on first impression to be an American-Pie style sexcapade? Clearly he is looking for something. I can't wait to find out what this is.
Just a side note: I think the movie, "The Girl Next Door" is a great example of a nice guy wanting something more from the girl of his dreams than she has to give at first. I think his very proactive approach to winning her touches something deep in young men. The movie is slightly raunchy in parts just so you know.
Jason,
ReplyDeleteYour physical details are very well done. I could taste the cigarettes and felt I was watching him build his room.
The tension with women is clear. There is a whisper of misogynism in Ryan with the exception of Jone. That balance needs to be worked out in whatever way you see fit.
The setting is clearly 2010 with the dependence on tech gadgets for communication. I found myself speeding over the texting until I settled in with the classic narrative. I trust the narrator when the physical details are leaping off the page.
Just my own tech note, YouTube may be better than flickr for viral videos, and a JPG is easier to manipulate than a BMP.
I want to know what Ryan's yearning is. What does he want from Alyssa, and eventually, women in general? Where does his very exaggerated aversion to parent's come from?
He seems to be a combination of Holden Caulfield and Ty Pennington. I am very interested in Ryan when I see him reacting with emotion.
Good work.
Bill
Part I
ReplyDeleteJason. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing. This is great! I’m trying to remember the last time I’ve seen or read any of your work, and, I think, because we’ve never been in workshop together, that it was when we read in a circle during our first residency. And, if I remember correctly, you read a very early draft of this story (or, at least a story in the same format).
I agree with my fellow write-fuers. You have a great rhythm. Great hooks pulling us into the next chapters. And the situation you’ve set up is fascinating. I can’t wait to read more, as I’m sure there will be fallout from that video.
And the language? You have a great feel for teenspeak. I’m jealous. Really, I think you’re right on. And if it’s vulgar at times, it’s authentically vulgar. Just great. The opening makes me think of MT Anderson’s Feed, being immersed in this totally teen world, language. I understand that he read hundreds of issues of Seventeen, Maxim, etc. to get the lingo down. What’s your secret? Classroom observation from your students? Other sources? Whatever it is, it’s working!
And I love this format. It serves your story well. I especially love that we have the text/email/IM dialogue interwoven with first person narrative. The piece holds together well that way, and we have a psychological/emotional connection with the protagonist, Ryan. I think that would be hard to do if the book were written entirely in texts, etc. And this is a story, and character, which we NEED to feel psychologically close to.
And there’s something about that emotional connectedness that gets to the heart of your story. I’ve often felt, and think it might have even come up during the discussion after my lecture, that the great irony of the “communication age” is that the more we use new messaging/media/social networking services, the less emotionally connected we actually are with our peers, friends, family, co-workers, etc. We talk, write, text—whatever—more, but we communicate less.
That said, I agree with Dave that the different forms of media offer a lot of possibilities for revealing character. And bringing out that interplay between Ryan’s thoughts and texts, emails, IMs would be interesting. Is he always writing/saying what he’s thinking? Is there a discrepancy? Also, maybe experiment with the differences in how characters might talk to each other in person vs. through multimedia devices (vs. what Ryan says/thinks about them in his own head).
Another strength of your piece is that you really tap in to the vulnerability of guys. We always focus on girls’ feelings about sex, loss of virginity, or relationships in general, but there’s not a lot of guy-focused lit on these topics. Really, I connect with Ryan. And I think Andy’s on to something, that Ryan doesn’t really realize what his problem is. He may think it’s that Alyssa is not as interested in him as he is in her, but perhaps it’s a larger problem—the way he relates to young women. Who knows? I think we have an unreliable narrator on our hands—which is probably a good thing (after reading that great article you posted on Facebook!).
---end part I/see part II---
Part II
ReplyDeleteDetail I liked: The satellite surfing section is great. Maybe you can skip the part about lighting his cigarette (unless we need the detail of his lighter for something later in the story). Perhaps start with the line “I start Satellite Surfing.” Maybe even just “I Satellite Surf.” I dunno. He can still be smoking, but it distracted me from the awesome imagery you were conjuring.
Other minor things:
1. I agree with Bill. YouTube is more recognizable than flickr. Not even sure if flickr does video?
2. I could have maybe used one or two more clues that they’re playing & talking on a Playstation earlier on pg. one. I was a little lost for a paragraph or two. But that might just be me. I don’t play war video games (I’m more of a Mario person), but your audience probably understands the lingo. After I finished page one, I went back and read it again, and it made total sense, once I understood that “get your head in the game” wasn’t a metaphor, but literally a command to focus on the video game.
Final thoughts: Flounced is a great word.
Nice job, J!
Well,I'm chirping in here quite late in the game--sorry 'bout that. There's not more I can add here that hasn't already been said...
ReplyDeleteRegarding the language, I have no problems with the swearing, etc. It's funny: the women who read some of my work all honed in on the language. They all crossed out a "Jesus Christ!" and wanted to water down "shit" into "damn." Anyone who spends time eavesdropping on high schoolers knows they use colorful language. Keep it. Ultimately, an editor will share his/her thoughts when the time comes.
Perhaps because I don't even own a cell phone and have never texted and I'm 40, I was confused in the first two/three pages and had to really concentrate on what was being said back and forth. However, your target audience isn't a Luddite like me--so keep the communication in line with reality.
My last thought--as I was reading, there was something that made me not find Ryan to be very sympathetic. It seems he's always scheming. There was one comment that he truly is a nice guy--he cut his sister in on how to parent-proof her room--but I guess I didn't totally buy into why he was giving her the tips. I wonder if he's only doing it so he has something to hold over her in the future. Again, is he only scheming? I've just finished reading Chris Lynch's Inexcusable, where a self-proclaimed nice guy rapes a girl and doesn't think he did anything wrong--maybe I'm letting that nice guy story influence the nice guy in Ryan...
Regardless, the story moves along at a quick pace; I'm ceratin teen boys would eat this up. Smoking, sex, video games...continued luck!
Jason,
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't gotten back to you earlier! But, I figure late comments are better than none. I think you've done a great job of crafting a compelling and rich story, nice job.
Okay, so the first comment I have is simply a details thing (but as they say, the devil is in the details) I got pulled out of the story when he opens the picture in photoshop on page 2. For me, this seems unauthentic. Not that he would have photoshop, because he might, but for the fact that he uses it to open an emailed screenshot. Photoshop is an editing program, not really a default picture viewer. I immediately wondered why he would open it in that rather than just double click on the photo and let the picture viewer pop up. I use photoshop all the time for drawing, and it made me wonder if he was an artist or photographer. In short, this specific detail gave me questions when I don't need them. My advice is to just make it simple. He pulled up the picture or he double clicked on it, something like that.
Another thing I'd look at is the "first time" blog shot. It just seems a little too neat. I know she takes a lot of steps to make it "perfect", but it still seems a little inauthentic. However, his reaction to this part is great and spot on! He doesn't want to be "nice" and the thought that she used him is a wonderful idea.
I love the idea of a Man Cave! And I think making him be so good at building things gives his character an added dimension. Nice relationship work between him and his sister, too. Feels right to me. The text messaging later does, too. I can tell you know your audience, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with the language.
I love the last couple chapters! Something big is going on and it will definitely pull the reader along. I love the way you ended what you sent us, you have a talent for chapter endings!
Hope that helps. :)
Thanks to everyone who looked at "Cherry Picker" I really respect every one of you and will seriously address all issues presented in one form or another. Alexandria got this piece the same day you guys did, and she mirrored many of your concerns and compliments. I think this is a great thing we are doing, Thanks Dave for making it happen.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Riley on your life changing month. Hope you can find the time to sit down and think about other things than babies and sleep.
Looks like I am off the hook now for a few months. I look forward to reading and responding!
Jason