I've emailed the first 20 pages of my middle-grade novel Critter to everyone--please let me know if it didn't come through.
Just to give you an idea of the story's pacing, I think it will end up being around 220-240 pages.
I guess that's all I want to tell you--let's see how it stands on its own!
I have just three questions:
1) What's working well?
2) What isn't working well?
3) Where do you imagine the story going from here? (I ask this because I wonder what story I'm setting up in the reader's imagination).
Thanks, guys!
Andy
Part I:
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe you cut us off in mid-sentence like that! Not just mid-chapter, or even mid-paragraph. Mid-sentence! Take my irritation as a good sign, though. It’s such a good story—and such good writing—that you have me hanging on your every word (including the word you left me hanging on!).
I like the interplay in the first chapter, connecting Critter’s family’s pet store (and his experience and observation of animals) to his baseball game: Critter hunching down like the tree frogs and Jerry hiding his eyes like a snake waiting to strike. It’s an interesting pair of metaphors, too, that tell the reader a lot about both Critter and Jerry.
The action sequences in chapter one are great, too. I’m not a huge sports fan, but I do love baseball. You manage to use baseball terminology effectively (capturing the love of the sport and communicating the action without overusing the lingo). And I think even a baseball outsider (or, at least, novice) will follow without trouble.
(to be continued...)
Part II:
ReplyDeleteGreat brother dynamic, too. I can’t speak from experience (I’m an only child), but the relationship seems authentic. And in response to your question about where this book is going, I feel like this will ultimately be a story about brothers. I think Jerry’s storyline is more interesting than the one you’ve set up for Critter: Will Jerry’s winning streak be broken? Will he earn MVP and be able to do the traveling team (that his family can’t otherwise afford)? But I think that might be okay, because the story is in the relationship between the brothers and how Critter responds to Jerry. I mean, look at the last paragraph in chapter one:
He doesn’t even say anything to make me feel stupid. He just frowns a little—like I’m not even worth teasing. Then he folds his arms and pedals along, no hands, like nothing in the world could knock him over.
Jerry is the one acting. Critter is just observing. But it’s heart-breaking, and tells us a lot about the both of them. Very well done.
I like this idea of magic that you’re using. Specifically, the two types of magic their father has. Each son has apparently inherited one of those magics: Jerry—athleticism; Critter—caring for animals. But it seems neither of the boys’ magics have matured to the level of their father’s magic yet. Maybe that maturation is something we’ll see in this story (if it becomes a sort of coming-of-age tale).
Chapter two is amazing. I feel that it’s so much stronger than even chapter one (which I also enjoyed). I’m not sure if this observation is helpful for you or not, because I can’t be very specific about why this chapter works better than the first. But it does. Maybe it’s just a matter of us meeting Dad and seeing his interaction with the boys and animals. It’s a gripping scene, really. And it’s so natural feeling, smooth.
A general observation about pacing. Feels okay, except you might want to look at chapter length. Many (perhaps even most) middle grade fiction novels have short chapters. Jerry Spinelli and Louis Sachar books come to mind. Gary’s books, on the other hand, tend to have longer chapters—The Wednesday Wars has one chapter for each month (each about 20 or so pages long, I think). I like the arc of your first chapter (and I like the arc that’s developing in the second, although I didn’t see the whole thing). But I think this story might (MIGHT) benefit from shorter chapters. Especially if you’re going to have more baseball action sequences (which I imagine you will). I think I’ve mentioned him to you before, but if I haven’t, check out Carl Deuker. He tells a great (character-centered sports) story in short chapters. And there seem to be several points within each chapter that could have marked a chapter break. Again, I like the arcs of your chapters, but think about it. This is something I’m working on in my own writing because I tend to write long chapters myself.
Well, I hope I answered your questions (if in a somewhat oblique way). Overall, great job, Andy. You’ve hooked me. I’d love to see more of this sometime.
And I will get comments to you about your middle grade gross-out ASAP (probably late this month). Thanks for sharing!
Final note: Your story definitely needs a bearded dragon. I’m just saying…
What's working in the first 20 pages for me is the family dynamic. Young readers will be able to sympathize with Critter--who hasn't had a nemesis growing up, whether a sibling, playground opponent, etc. You bring the reader fully into Critter's mind, so there's no wondering how the unfolding events affect him. I like the father character--we get a balance of the here and now with what could have been had he been able to hit in the bigs. I like that he isn't living in the past, or (at least from what we've seen so far) throwing baseball down either son's throat. I do wonder about the mom and her relationship with the boys and father--I believe she was mentioned once.
ReplyDeleteIf this were a Disney movie, at the end, the pet store will go gangbusters from some sort of miracle, the father will find a way to accept the past, the older brother will realize he's being a dink to Critter and come around, and Critter will hit the dinger or make the diving catch or steal home to win a big game and everyone will go out for ice cream the end. I hope none of this happens--that you take the story into unchartered territory--although I'd personally vote for a sweet kick-ass female ninja instead of a bearded dragon. Just Sayin'.
Part 1
ReplyDeleteThank you Andy for providing me such a pleasant Sunday afternoon! I am in San Fransisco with a couple who are friends of ours. The husband is an umpire for college baseball and so we have talked baseball frequently this last week. I can tell you that your baseball speak works perfectly! The powerful action verbs of baseball are some of the most poetic I have ever heard.
What worked for me:
Critter. I identify with being more interested in other things, but still trying to be good at sports in order to prove my manliness to my peers, and adults too. I think so many boys will understand a character who's motivation for success in sports is purely negative - his dread at possibly being struck out forty times in a row. I understand why he clams up when he talks to adults.
The baseball talk. As I mentioned at first. You use the poetry of baseball to create a tone in your prose that is lyrical and hypnotic in its action.
The narrator’s voice. The way you vary your sentences to tell the story from Critter's mind. One word sentences that give us a chronology of his thoughts, like "Jerry. Magic. Pff." Or breaking up a sentence of action so that we experience it the same way he notices it, like "Halverson and Stevens laugh. Brooks, too." Your control of the narrator's voice absolutely captures my attention.
And then just such a strong sense of Critter, Man and Dad through the details. I am shown their character and history in well-chosen, useful details. I love how dad's blue eyes are extra light from his skin being darkened by his years in the centerfield. Then I am able to see how his eyes sparkle like they don't at any other time when someone recognizes "Magic Martin."
Part 2
ReplyDeleteWhat isn't working well:
A couple small nitpicky things that I was a little unclear on. You have clearly worked hard to avoid confusion, and have succeeded largely, but there were still a couple of spots that I didn't understand at first, and had to keep reading for clarity. I know that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just so you are aware.
I couldn't picture the opening paragraph, though it is full of excellent, character-revealing detail. I was trying to picture Critter hiding from the baseball, the way the tree frogs tried to hide. But he's really just making his strike zone smaller because he's determined to not strike out this time. I didn't understand this until subsequent readings. I guess I didn't associate tree frogs hiding with a determination to hit the ball. It's a rich opening paragraph, and this I think this might be an example of an adult overreading a story. Especially because I actually love the idea of him thinking about his frogs while playing baseball. I have more to say about this later.
Then when he's running to first and he doesn't see the base path but the road sloping up the hill that he and Pat race up, I got a little confused between the immediate action and his imagination. "And even though I’m running uphill, I run faster and faster and faster." I asked myself here why first base was uphill. Silly when you reread it, I know, but just an extra couple words that separate the action from his visualization of the action might not hurt - though it isn't necessarily a bad thing to have your young readers reach a little bit in order to put them further in his mind. And I can tell you already put a lot of thought into how to word that.
Where I see this going: Critter doesn't like baseball, but this is a baseball themed story with rich baseball action that will appeal to boys who play baseball. I'm curious to know how baseball plays into his character development - particularly if he is going to like it and succeed at it.
As in your opening paragraph where he uses the tree frogs hiding as a strategy to make his strike zone smaller, I'm interested to see how he uses more of his knowledge and experience with the frogs to help him play baseball. Maybe another frog characteristic will help him make a winning play? I like the idea of him listening and staying true to himself internally(love of frogs), being the way he succeeds externally (baseball).
I like that he and his brother each succeed in one of dad's two loves or magics. I don't know where that goes but you should know you have made me very aware of this.
Finally, the pet shop setting and Babe Ruth immediately spoke to my playfulness. I imagine a scene of chaos at some point perhaps with loose snakes or tree frogs around the pet shop or in the dugout.
Snakes In the Dugout. You have my permission to use that as your book title.
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ReplyDeleteThe pacing in this story is exact. So many of us race to make a point or speed through a description, we forget that kids want to be given hints and figure our what's going to happen next. They thrive on physical detail and analogy. The tree frog comparison is the kind of detail that tells a kid that the writer knows what he is doing.
ReplyDeleteCritter has a brother whose tongue slithers in and out of his mouth. The narrator gave me that image. And now I am ready to go where ever the writer wants to go.
The conflict between Critter and Jerry is set and can go anywhere. The destination comes from the writing, not from us telling you where to go. I get Critter's yearning to be a science nerd even though he has some talent with a bat and flying feet. I don't really care where he ends up. I just want to read the story and see how he handles the difficulties set up in the first 25 pages.
Most of all, I want to know if the x!@#$%^&*fish lives. I have an idea and hope I am right, but that doesn't matter. I care about the fish, because I care about Critter and his dad and know that whatever happens to the foreign fish, maybe a herald, is important to the story.
A very minor point,I don't think "grazeing" the ball would get it out of the infield.
Don't over analyze the story this early. Get it done and then go back and check your themes and the plot curves.
Good work Andy.
Bill
Working - The point of view is great, we get right into Critter's head. I love the use of specific metaphors that give us information. That first line is perfect, "I step into the batter’s box and hunch down the way the tree frogs in my parents’ pet shop do when I open their cage." We immediately know his parents have a pet shop, he's playing baseball, and there's even that caged-in feeling that we can sense, not to mention it immediately associates him with an animal, which, since his name is critter, is great! Love the name, btw. I also like the idea of magic that you put in this! Not necessarily anything supernatural, but something amazing. Something beyond ordinary. I think it's great and i'd love to see critter develop his own magic as the story goes. Perhaps he will be faced with the same choice his father had, baseball or animals? And while sports aren't really my genre, I think you did a nice job weaving in specific details and at the same time not making it goe beyond what an average person would know.
ReplyDeleteNot working - I have to agree with the pacing. The chapters do seem a tad on the long side, so cutting those unnecessary words and details might be a good place to start. Often the real highlights shine all the brighter when you cut out the just okay parts.
Where to go from here - I definitely can see some conflict between Jerry and Critter, and also between father and son. I really think you should thread that detail through, as he is so much like his father, and his father may or may not have chosen pets over the majors... I know he says he couldn't hit the curve, but did he really? I wonder, because he dropped out right before a baby was born. Perhaps he could, he just chose not to. If he didn't choose, could critter choose? I see the book maybe ending on a big game, just like his fathers, where he either succeeds or fails, and then has to reflect on what matters most. I don't know, there are so many ways this story can go!
Keep up the great work!
Thanks, guys--I've been working on the story a lot this week and all your feedback has been a huge help!
ReplyDeleteBTW--the fish lives!
Andy, sorry it took so long to get back to you on this.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s working:
Your imagery is wonderful. I liked you’re earlier versions of Critter but your added pet store metaphors make your story even more vivid and engaging. I also like that you explain more about Critter’s dad and his background, it explains so much up front and doesn’t keep the reader guessing about how his background is tied to the boys’ baseball and love of pets. You made a tough call since keeping your audience guessing can be good thing but I think you went the right route here.
Your story is relevant. Family relationships is something everyone can relate to. The way you bring in baseball and animals as a stage to play that story upon is great. I like that you weave in what the characters dream of and that they have not all been met. I think I know that going to the bigs is a dream unsatisfied for the father and that because the window in to achieve a dream in sports is limited by age it is a dream he will never realize.
What’s not working:
Not much to say here. It did bother me a little that although Critter was fast and as a batter managed to get piece of his brother’s ball when no on else did he still led the league in innings benched. There doesn’t seem to be any indication that he’s a bad player. Although he expresses regret for not telling his dad he didn’t want to play baseball I couldn’t tell if that was because he didn’t really like baseball or if it was because he wanted to avoid the friction that came with playing ball with his brother.
I like the dad’s background and the two magics you added but you might be able to tighten those parts up a little.
Where do I imagine the story going from here?
I think this is a story of reconciliation and understanding going all directions among a father and two sons.
I see the possibility that the sons inherit their father’s weaknesses as well as his strengths. If this is so then Critter’s brother will not only be a great ball player like his father but also be unable to hit a big league curve ball like his father. It could go to his sons then overcoming his weakness or to dealing with them better than he did or in just being able to reconcile that that’s way things are and dealing with it.
I might also be OK to keep the audience guessing a bit about why the father really left baseball and reveal at some point that he, since he left just before Jerry was born, that he left because his son was being born.
As corny as it sounds, I see the brothers reconciling and their father learning to not be such a jerk.
Fine work and pleasure to read.
1) What's working well?
ReplyDeleteThis reads like a polished, natural manuscript. I like your casual style, and just finishing a few Chris Crutcher books, the style is very similar. I think middle grade novels (or young YA) are sorely lacking quality in the market place, and if this is what you are shooting for here, you have nailed it. The dynamic between the son Jerry’s prowess on the ball field, to his disappointing sales performance is an excellent contrast. It is also great that you have split the father’s talents between the two boys. I used to manage a large pet department, and the majority of my job was fish, you have all of this very spot on. I like the pet store chapter quite a bit and thought it was very real. I am also writing in 1st person (immediate tense!) and you handle it much better than I do. I felt like I was right there, and nothing seemed forced or gimmicked. The relationships are well defined between the boys and the father.
2) What isn't working well?
If I were to focus on something, it would be that I think it needs a bit of “punching up”. It feels a little flat, but that is a strong word. I would like a few more details sprinkled to make these characters POP. The dad seems the most real and complex. There were a few places where there were a lot of names, and I was confused after the first break, what was going on. With a few more details, I think some of that would be more clear. Also, I don’t know Critter’s name, or age. Plus he is playing ball against/with his older brother which muddles the age there again (these are not major issues, but you asked!) I feel like I know more about Jerry and Dad than I know about Critter.
3) Where do you imagine the story going from here? (I ask this because I wonder what story I'm setting up in the reader's imagination).
Right now it feels very traditional, in that the brothers don’t get along, and the father and older son are in conflict. I think I could see the younger son getting better at baseball and taking away a bit of Jerry’s magic. This will cause some major conflict at home and on the field. The idea that both boy s are keeping tally marks for their own successes is also a great parallel. I wonder what will become of that. Will Jerry be the MVP? Or will Critter?
I don’t really like Jerry at all, and wonder if he is going to get some redeeming qualities. His relationship with Babe Ruth, and the fact that he throws the ball at Critter give him some depth, but those things are not necessarily appealing. An example of adding detail would be us seeing Jerry tear up the tally mark sheet, because of how Critter wrecked the streak. I see Jerry not keeping track to rub it in Critter’s face, but for himself. I think you have hinted at this, but you haven’t showed us the emotion behind the tally marks yet. I see that scene as a powerful one. Maybe Jerry tears up Critters sheet too? After he is forced to sell the python… who knows?
Andy, this is wery polished and natural work, I can’t stress that enough. I am not sure how much you have to revise, but if it is not much, you will have a VERY productive career!
PS: My appologies for a late response, grades, grants, and Pack 2 work were taking priority! Now Alexandria wants me to DOUBLE my production! ;)