I just sent you the latest chapter of To Kill or Not To Kill. I also attached the whole draft - four chapters, 66 pages, because you haven't seen it in a year and I thought you might want to skim it to refresh your memory. There are couple of highlighted passages in the full draft - ignore these - they just indicate things I need to fix.
Enjoy - I hope! Happy Easter!
Writing that kicks your ass
Saturday, March 26, 2016
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Carolyn, it’s good to again meet Jack and Fiona and the others. Here are my thoughts. Please pardon any blathering.
ReplyDeleteThe lead-in from chapter 3 to chapter 4 is very effective. In chapter 3 Jack and the residents in his head deduced that Doug was murdered and that his murderer must be Drew. But Doug doesn’t see a motive. Chapter 4 then takes the baton and ends with a powerful realization that the motive for murder is Drew wanting Fiona.
Love the ending of Chapter 4. It’s nice and tense and things seem to be coming together. At this point I’m wondering how long the story is. I’m trying to imagine the arc and that’s a good thing. At the end of chapter 4, Drew seems to threaten Jack with a statement that has a double meaning, “Yes, do be careful where you step. It would be terrible if anyone else were badly hurt.” This raises some delicious questions. Is it a serious threat of murder? Does Drew want Jack to know he was involved in Doug’s death? It’s wonderful reading to have these questions come up just as some questions are being answered. You’ve also raised the stakes because Jack is now in peril AND he’s an invalid making him less able to defend himself. Also, because of his condition he takes meds, which could be an invitation to a guy with Drew’s ability to off Jack through those meds.
The cafeteria scene helps develop Elon and the relationship between him and Jack. The encounter with the cute sophomore reemphases Jack’s commitment to Fiona even though they aren’t officially together. I wonder if these two important elements could be developed in other scenes. The cafeteria scene also shows Jack is in crummy shape but you do a good job of developing that elsewhere.
I like that there are two voices in Jack’s head. Several stories have one voice in a character’s head so it’s nice that this is different. It also gives a feeling that things are crowded up there. Koertge and others might say you don’t want to have two characters that do essentially the same thing but I think this works. Having two incidental deaths instead of one also makes Jack’s and Fiona’s shared loss seem even greater than if there were one. That Drew caused two extra deaths to get the one he wanted also makes him a real bad bad-guy.
I look forward to experiencing the struggle Fiona and Jack share in getting over their emotional and psychological issues that keep them from embracing how they feel about each other. They will get together right? I hope so. I also hope that at some point Jack tells Fiona that her bros are hanging out in his head.
This is a fun piece and I keep enjoying your humor, the different characters and the strong plot.
Thanks, Alan! Actually the two ghosts in Jack's head are Brian and Alex, Fiona's twin brothers (they are triplets). They died naturally. Doug was Fiona's boyfriend - that's why Drew killed him, or at least made it so the paramedics' actions would kill him. Doug is not a ghost in Jack's head. (He was when I first started writing the book but I think it would make Jack's head too crowded.) Obviously I need to sprinkle the names of the ghosts throughout the chapters more often.
ReplyDeleteElon was a surprise. I knew there was going to be a roommate/minder but I thought he was going to be kind of creepy - Drew has asked him to keep an eye on Jack's progress with PT and "keep him posted - for the good of the Ultimate team." So I thought he was going to be a spy for Drew but the way he's developing I think instead he's going to be a sort of double agent, and an ally. And being from New Orleans, he's not going to have any trouble believing in ghosts. There's going to be at least one other set of MacLeod twins appear at some point. Ron K. makes a good point; maybe Brian and Alex need a running disagreement to give them both a reason to exist. Thanks for your comments!
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ReplyDeleteFinally, I am alive and enjoying every word of "To Kill Or Not To Kill." My first comment is how my wife and I have watched the first season of "River" on Netflix and how the imagery in TO KILL is intriguingly adjacent. River is a cop whose partner, female, is murdered and he is constantly seeing and hearing her give him little clues as to who her murderer is. Another ghost, male, appears with negative input.
ReplyDeleteEnough about River. Your imagery is magical and realistic, ahh, Magical Realism at its best. I love this world of inescapable danger coupled with Jack's energy and how he continues to move forward, maybe to Fiona, maybe not. Elon's entrance brings the world to today. How will the relationship between Jack and Elon play out? Will you speak more to to the history of black and white in America? There are as many questions here as what will happen between Jack and Drew and Jack and Fiona.
The theme in Beep,,,has evolved from literary to the crashing present. Maybe the introduction of a cop or two would only complicate the scene, but with your talent, I think it will be even more relevant in a world that needs constant reminders of what can go wrong without caring, thoughtful people.
May we all rest in the peace of Purple Rain.
Bill, Thanks for reminding me about River! I watched one episode and liked it, and am looking for something to binge on right now (have a sweater I want to knit quickly and need some TV to do it by. Watched season 4 of The Killing on Saturday. Thinking of the latest season of Homeland and The Man in The High Castle but am open to suggestions.)
ReplyDeleteI wasn't really planning to go into race relations. Elon, as I said to Alan, surprised me. I thought making him from New Orleans would be useful because he would be totally open to ghosts. His change in personality (from the creepy minion of Drew that I thought he was going to be) helps solve another problem I was having with the plot. It's a treat when your characters get up and start doing the unexpected!
You may not remember but there was a cop in the last scene. Well, Jack called him on the phone. There was a lingering question about the amount of nicotine in murdered Doug's blood. He will appear again later. We are not done with nicotine.
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteI’m enjoying this! There’s so much you’re doing great—generating suspense, telling the story with lively language, directing a cast of vividly drawn characters.
I think you’re doing a great job of handling Brian and Alex’s voices with the other elements (Jack’s narrative voice, dialogue, description, etc.). A place where I particularly liked the interplay of Brian and Alex’s voices with other story elements was the scene in which Jack’s talking with the detective on the phone.
I also like the interplay between this story and the play of Hamlet. I say “interplay” because I feel like the connections are more oblique—and compelling—than straight-up point-to-point commonalities. I like how Jack’s thinking about why Hamlet puts off taking the decisive action, and I wonder if there comes a time when Jack comes to ponder taking some decisive action. I also like how Hamlet in a way conducts his own investigation, and Jack is doing that now, too.
Page 36: Jack mentions he’s just the “fallback Ghost Host.” I loved that phrase “Ghost Host” so much I thought maybe it’s title worthy, or maybe worthy of being a chapter title? It is an exemplary instance of the playful language this story is rich with! (Sorry to dangle the preposition.)
Page 46: I like how Jack and Alex and Brian discuss what Drew’s motivation for killing Doug might have been, and they bring up the interesting point that if Drew had meant to kill Doug, how could Drew have known the crash was going to happen, and how could he have had the nicotine stuff ready. These compelling, unsolvable questions are awesome—they portend twists I can’t yet see, methinks! Could Drew have some supernatural aid, maybe some “ghosts” of his own? Maybe Alex and Brian are playing Jack somehow? I don’t know. But I’m compelled to read on! [BTW, I read in one of your comments above that Drew's the killer--I think the story's doing a great job of keeping the possibilities open while pointing the finger pretty much at Drew.]
Page 51: Jack, when talking with Reuben, gives the nicotine theory. Reuben asks, “How’d you come up with that?” I wonder if this moment may offer some interesting possibilities—maybe it casts Reuben’s suspicion on Jack? It’s a compelling moment, and I like how Jack recovers after Reuben asks him he came up with it—Jack shows he thinks quickly on his feet.
I also thought an interesting possibility for future events in the story could be that Jack tries contacting Reuben but Reuben is hard to get a hold of. Maybe then Reuben calls back, but it’s at an inopportune time? Reuben is a vector for important info, so controlling what info Jack gets from him and when may be a helpful way to pace/structure/sequence.
Elon’s a great character. I like that he’s attentive. He notices, for example, on page 62 that something is up with Jack. He asks if Jack is tired and if Jack wants him to reschedule a meeting. I wonder, what will Elon’s role in the story be? How will he affect events?
On page 65, Jack starts saying something about the Ultimate camp the Macleods put on, but then he catches himself—he remembers. That’s so poignant, so real. Powerful little details charge up the emotion and the significance of Jack's quest.
I do like the suspense generated by Jack encountering Fi with Drew! Drew wanting to be with Fi could definitely be a motive for murder, and Drew does say that seemingly uber-creepy line to Jack: “It would be terrible of anyone else were badly hurt.” Also, this development seems to place the villain closer to Fi than Jack is. Fi could be in grave danger!
I hope this feedback helps! After finishing a semester, I feel like my feedback-giving skills are a little zapped. If you have any questions about feedback, please let me know!
Thanks for sharing!
--Andy